Sexless Marriage by Choice

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Sumarlin

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I am married with several young children. I have had decades of struggles with the sins of impurities. With my perseverance in fighting against this evil & helped by the grace & mercy of God, my struggles have been less & less. In the past few years, I had multiple sexless marital affairs & my wife knew all of them. All of the affairs happened in my office & involved with my single co-workers. Despite these many affairs, I never intend to leave my wife and that’s why I never want a sexual relation with anyone outside my 15-year marriage.

After analyzing all of these problems, I found out that the underlying cause for all of these affairs is my impurities. Chastity & fidelity cannot get along with my impurities. So, I decide to combat the impurities within my soul with lots of prayers & novenas.

But first, I have to deal with my libido & sexual energy. I am 50s & in good times, I had enough energy & drive to have sexual relations with my wife several times a week & she enjoyed it very much. But when I am on medication to treat my high blood pressure, I could go on for weeks without any interest at all in sexual relations. My high blood pressure hovers around 160s/110s but with medication it goes down to 140s/90s. But the side effect of daily high blood pressure medication on me is a mortification of my libido & sexual energy. My wife is not under any medication & surprisingly she has a healthy libido even though she is having menopause.

Due to the multiple sexless affairs that seemed endless to my wife, I understand that she is fed up & she asked me to stop having sexual relations with her for an indefinite time. I consented with her request knowing that I am the one who is at fault & maybe I need to do a lifetime of penance for all my sins.

My best friend to sustain a sexless marriage for an indefinite time is my high blood pressure medication. The side effect is powerful enough to kill off my libido entirely & of course, zero interest in socializing with the opposite sex, so another marital affair is impossible.

These questions are actually for ladies who can imagine walking in the shoes of my wife with all her conditions. Due to the multiple sexless marital affairs, she asked me not to have sexual relations with her for an indefinite time. Providing that all these times after she asked for sexless marriage, I am sober & be a good husband…
  1. How many months/years will she last for this sexless marriage before her inner physiological / biological needs for intimacy starts to kick in & subconsciously she will look for sexual relation?
  2. If I am OK with sexless marriage (thanks to my high blood pressure medication) & I respect her request for the sexless marriage, will she be worn out with the sexless marriage that she requested for or maybe, she will be happy with it & thus prolong it till, forever?
Everyone is welcomed to give extended opinion on this issue.

Thanks.
Sumarlin
 
Sumarlin said:
  • How many months/years will she last for this sexless marriage before her inner physiological / biological needs for intimacy starts to kick in & subconsciously she will look for sexual relation?
  • If I am OK with sexless marriage (thanks to my high blood pressure medication) & I respect her request for the sexless marriage, will she be worn out with the sexless marriage that she requested for or maybe, she will be happy with it & thus prolong it till, forever?
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Friend, no one can answer these questions. Not even your wife. No one knows what the result will be in the future.

Please, keep the fervent prayer life you are living and frequent the Sacraments. Let the grace of God sustain you.
 
In addition to what @Psalm30 said, it seems that there are more issues that need to be addressed and resolved, such as the underlying causes of impure actions, trust, and communication. Perhaps this time could be well spent on these.
 
You need to go discuss this business with your wife, a marriage counselor, your doctor, and a priest. Not with a bunch of strangers on the Internet.

I have no idea what you mean by “multiple sexless marital affairs”, nor can I somehow imagine how your wife feels about them, or what’s going on with her “libido”, because I am not her.
 
Only your wife can tell you how long she’s willing to remain in a sexless marriage. Don’t automatically assume that she will seek sex elsewhere. She may not.

I suggest you and your wife speak to your priest or spiritual advisor and listen to his advice.
 
I sort of think you’re asking the wrong question though. I mean you’re treating the symptom as though it’s got some sort of meaning apart from the trust damage that set it spinning off in the first place.

So for sure she’s not wanting to be intimate with someone she can’t trust. But don’t take that as the rule of law.

I’d say she’s more wanting to show the level this hurts her. I think you need to focus on that really.

So really your question might be better off angling towards, “Knowing I have hurt her and no longer wish to do so, what should my loving response be to this proposal?”

And to answer that I’d have to say you need to at least show your wife more than the combined level of interest you’ve already handed out free of charge. But not in a showy way. Not in a pushy way. And not in a measured-out-by-the-ounce way either.

What you need to do is fix your emotional compass to point back to her. That sex is no longer on the table makes it possible to have solid motivations that stretch into her emotional needs instead. If I was you? I’d take things back to the beginning. Take time away from your hobbies and interests to see what she wants to do. Make things more about her and keep the distractions to near zero.

Then follow things up evenly in as natural way as possible.

I don’t know man. You’ve got some ground to recover? But maybe with a lot of prayer and dedication it might be possible.

Good luck. I hope you can honestly earn back your place.

Peace
 
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