Should a Catholic Follow Spouse's Funeral Wishes?

[christopher-m]

Should a practicing Catholic follow the funeral wishes of their spouse when they are at odds with Catholic beliefs? In other words, can you have your spouse cremated and spread their ashes over the Atlantic Ocean if they have specifically asked for this to be done? (This is complicated even further if your spouse has promised to follow your wishes and conduct a fully-Catholic funeral for you should you die first.)

Has this ever happened to you or to someone you know, and if so, what advice did you get from a priest, if any?

Thanks for your help.

I asked this question in the “Ask an Apologist” forum a couple of weeks ago, but it didn’t make the cut.

 

[urquhart]

Is this a hypothetical question, or a decision you are actually facing? If I had made such a promise to my wife and she was now deceased, I would feel obligated to carry out her wishes, since I would have wanted her to carry out mine if I died first. In your situation it sounds as if the spouse may be non-Catholic. In that case, I don’t believe that the spouse is bound by Church teachings.

 

[puzzleannie]

I would follow my loved one’s wishes, to the extent allowed by the Church. If they requested something not allowed by the Church, or by law, I would not do it. We have already put our funeral plans in place, pre-paid, with info to the kids, so there won’t be any problem when we go. My mom said she wanted a dixieland band playing When the Saints go Marching In at her funeral, but we could not find one at short notice, so my sister sang her favorite Ave Maria. I’m sure she was past caring about it.

 

[wcknight]

Cremation is acceptable to the Church but I’m not sure about spreading the ashes over the ocean.

I would ask my priest or pastor if it were okay. My wife would not want me to do something against what I believed in. And if she did, I would have to tell her I could not abide by her wishes.

 

[Shiann]

wcknight:

Cremation is acceptable to the Church but I’m not sure about spreading the ashes over the ocean.

I would ask my priest or pastor if it were okay. My wife would not want me to do something against what I believed in. And if she did, I would have to tell her I could not abide by her wishes.

Yah, spreading ashes is NOT ok with the Church.

icctampa.org/FuneralRites.htm

 

[JKirkLVNV]

Shiann:

Yah, spreading ashes is NOT ok with the Church.

icctampa.org/FuneralRites.htm

Unless you’re a Kennedy. They spread JFK, Jr.'s ashes over the site where his plane crashed. I’ve no idea if they had the Church’s consent or not.

I scattered my father’s ashes because he wanted them scattered. He wasn’t a Catholic and so not subject to the Church. I should think that we would be forbidden from scattering a CATHOLIC’S ashes.

 

[Shiann]

JKirkLVNV:

Unless you’re a Kennedy. They spread JFK, Jr.'s ashes over the site where his plane crashed. I’ve no idea if they had the Church’s consent or not.

I scattered my father’s ashes because he wanted them scattered. He wasn’t a Catholic and so not subject to the Church. I should think that we would be forbidden from scattering a CATHOLIC’S ashes.

Yup I agree, a non Catholic wouldn’t be obligated to Catholic law or Tradition.

But I also agree with puzzleannie in that I would not be able to do anything against Church teaching or the law in general.

 

[JKirkLVNV]

Shiann:

But I also agree with puzzleannie in that I would not be able to do anything against Church teaching or the law in general.

I think Puzzleannie’s the bomb! BUT: I still think that it would have been wrong NOT to have scattered my father’s ashes (he didn’t ask me to do something to harm someone else, for example, or to deny the Faith, but to dispose of his body in such a way that the Church forbids its members). The Church acknowledges in various ways (in Her marriage laws, for instance) that there are those who are not Her subjects.

Hey, this is my 2, 000th post!

 

[Black_Jaque]

Why would we only be forbidden from scattering a Catholic’s ashes?

I don’t think the Church teaches about the handling of remains because it affect the deceased person’s soul. The Church teaches proper handling of remains because it affects the surviving persons’ souls.

This is something curious to me though. What about Saints remains? We seem to scatter them over the ends of the Earth.

Also what about sea graves? I’m sure the Church understands that burial at sea is a necessity in that sailors can’t afford to carry corpses and don’t have the available earth for proper burial. But what about shipwrecks with corpses? Do they become proper gravesites? As far as the general public goes, they seem to treat shipwrecks as respectable gravesites. But the general public also thinks the fireplace mantle is an acceptable place for grandpa’s ashes.

 

[Shiann]

JKirkLVNV:

I think Puzzleannie’s the bomb! BUT: I still think that it would have been wrong NOT to have scattered my father’s ashes (he didn’t ask me to do something to harm someone else, for example, or to deny the Faith, but to dispose of his body in such a way that the Church forbids its members). The Church acknowledges in various ways (in Her marriage laws, for instance) that there are those who are not Her subjects.

Hey, this is my 2, 000th post!

congrats on the high post!!!

Though, I understand what you mean, and would feel very much the same way you do, if one of my parents requested something that was out of the realm of my Faith. But I still think we are obligated as Catholics to respect ANY dead, as though they were Catholic. I think of those peolpe who wish to convert their ashes to lab created diamonds in “life gems” or “memorial gems”.

This would be an improper way to take care of a loved one’s remains, though I understand the memorial philosophy. It just seems too weird to me.

So where do we draw the line?

memorialgems.com/welcome.php

 

[JKirkLVNV]

Shiann:

congrats on the high post!!!

Though, I understand what you mean, and would feel very much the same way you do, if one of my parents requested something that was out of the realm of my Faith. But I still think we are obligated as Catholics to respect ANY dead, as though they were Catholic. I think of those peolpe who wish to convert their ashes to lab created diamonds in “life gems” or “memorial gems”.

This would be an improper way to take care of a loved one’s remains, though I understand the memorial philosophy. It just seems too weird to me.

So where do we draw the line?

memorialgems.com/welcome.php

In the case of the non-Catholic, where YOU feel comfortable. I scattered my father’s ashes near a mountain stream in Colorado. I had no problem with that. I would not have scattered them over the blackjack tables in Vegas. I would not have had them molded into anything, like mixing them with clay. I wouldn’t have taken his body out and fed it to the Great White sharks lurking off the Farallones off the Californian coast. I wouldn’t be comfortable with any of those.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the diamond thing, either. Weird.

 

[Shiann]

Black Jaque:

Why would we only be forbidden from scattering a Catholic’s ashes?

I don’t think the Church teaches about the handling of remains because it affect the deceased person’s soul. The Church teaches proper handling of remains because it affects the surviving persons’ souls.

I agree.

“The care taken to prepare the body of the deceased for burial reflects our Christian belief in eternal life and the resurrection of the body. The prayers and gestures of the funeral rites also affirm the Church’s reverence for the body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. The long standing practice of burying the body in a grave or tomb in memory of Jesus, whose own body was placed in a tomb, continues to be encouraged as a sign of Christian faith.”
diocese-edmundston.ca/liturgy/a.catholic.funeral-guidelines.htm

This is something curious to me though. What about Saints remains? We seem to scatter them over the ends of the Earth.

This is true! I had never thought of that in relation to reverence for the dead before… I hope someone offers a comment on this.

Also what about sea graves? I’m sure the Church understands that burial at sea is a necessity in that sailors can’t afford to carry corpses and don’t have the available earth for proper burial. But what about shipwrecks with corpses? Do they become proper gravesites? As far as the general public goes, they seem to treat shipwrecks as respectable gravesites.

It is my understanding (though I have no references or citations within my reach for this opinion) that the Church understands the situation with sea graves and would memorialize and conduct funeral rites those individuals just as those who’s bodies were lost in other ways. And even allows for disposition of the ashes in a sea service.

seaservices.com/catholic.htm

But the general public also thinks the fireplace mantle is an acceptable place for grandpa’s ashes.

Too true.

 

[Black_Jaque]

So where do we draw the line?

Well cannibalism would be a place to start. Cannibalism is definitely out. I don’t care if the deceased was baptised in the Church of Satan, and stated me by name that they wanted me to eat their corpse - uh, uh, I wouldn’t do it.

For those interested:

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The ‘norms’ are listed in a pastoral letter called “On the Christian Burial of the Dead”, in which it is stated,

***“The cremated remains are to be buried in the ground or entombed in a mausoleum or columbarium…” (p.18) and, “Cremated remains must be placed in a worthy vessel, and they must be interred or entombed. It is not permitted to scatter cremated remains over a favorite place, and it is not permitted to keep cremated remains in one’s home or place other than a cemetery.” (p.18) ***

This paragraph references the Order for Christian Funerals, No. 417, which states,

***“…The cremated remains should be buried in a grave or entombed in a mausoleum or columbarium. The practice of scattering cremated remains on the sea, from the air, or on the ground, or keeping cremated remains in the home of a relative or friend of the deceased are not the reverent disposition that the Church requires…” ***

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