Should a couple postpone their wedding if the woman is still in university for 2 years even though the husband could provide for future children or is

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avemaria154

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I know I’ve already asked this question in a previous forum but would like to get thoughts from others! Some might have a more conservative view with using NFP. I will definitely continue to pray, speak with my future spouse, and priest about this!

By the time I marry my finance, I will have two years left of university. Finishing university is very important to me. Do you think I should postpone our wedding until we are ready to be open to children or do you think it’s ok to marry and use NFP to avoid conception for a year or two?

Thanks and God Bless
 
My husband and I got married and I’ve just completed courses to apply to nursing school.

The difference with us is we have an infant and we just bought a house. My husband has an excellent job in the military but is getting off of orders for six months to stay at home with the baby while I finish up school…also, his job is highly stressful and he really needs a break from it for a little while.

We can take care of ourselves just fine thanks to military benefits, our simple lifestyle and excellent financial planning. However, we have decided to wait to have another child for a year or two and are using NFP somewhat conservatively…mostly just phase three and conservative use of phase one. It’s worked so far…but whatever happens will happen.

I don’t like the idea of postponing a wedding for any reason other then a couple with relationship issues. I don’t think marriage should get in the way of college, age, culture or other outside influences. Unless the couple is experiencing relationship issues then why not get married? Unless chastity is actually working for you two and you could wait another 2 years then go for it…but to me…that sounds very, very unrealistic and unfair. It’s too difficult to discern marriage with someone and then decide to just wait it out an additional number of years. If both of you are ready for marriage and you’ve prayed about it and talked about it…then you’re ready…no need to wait.

A grave reason to use NFP should be between God, you, your husband and your priest and that is it…no one else.
You’ll see a huge, wide variety of people on this site giving you all kinds of opinions about NFP and what is considered serious and grave reason to postpone pregnancy. Some people don’t even think NFP is a valid church teaching and that we should never postpone a pregnancy and always be open to life. Others can’t fathom the use of NFP because they are convinced it doesn’t work and use contraceptives instead.
 
I think it depends on a lot of factors.

How old you and your fiance are, is this your undergraduate degree you are working on, how important is a degree to you (whether you plan on using it or not) what do you families think, are you sure your fiance can provide, do you want to live off campus and be less involved in your university life, etc.

The first two are sort of inter-related. I would say that if you are 18, working on your undergraduate degree (that will only take you 4 years) then I would say wait. If you are working on a graduate degree or are older going back to school, I would say go for it.

I made my future husband wait for me until I graduated undergrad. (I then went on to law school, and had babies at the same time, but I am really glad I waited and experienced college.

Otherwise realize that when you get married your focus will rightly be at home with your husband, you will be less involved with your university life and extras. And realize that it is very difficult to do some of these fun things once you leave school and have a family.

I don’t know about you, but I was always very busy at college. Some days I would be up at 6am to work and would not get home until 10pm. After a day full of work, classes, practice, choir rehearsal, Mass, intramural sports or clubs. A lot of this stuff I would have to give up once I was married. One just isn’t able to maintain that kind of schedule of fun things while married. I also got pregnant with a wonderful honeymoon baby right away, it was just the timing even thought we had planned on using NFP to avoid for a while.

I knew that if something happened it would have been difficult to finish, and having a degree was important to me. Also undergrad programs in the US seem not to be very accommodating to pregnant women, though graduate programs are better.
 
I think it is more important to marry in order to preserve chastity and to begin the mutual support of married life than to avoid the prospect that you may have to occasionally see fit to use NFP to avoid conception.

After all, finishing university isn’t just important to you. It is important to your ability to develop your capacity to contribute to the support of your family, not to mention to render service to the sick (because of the line of work you have chosen). The choice to work as a nurse might be necessary, for example, if you are to give your children a Catholic education. It isn’t as if you were avoiding conception because you wanted to preserve your figure for beauty pageants or something like that or because you are working for financial success beyond what prudence requires–for instance, you want to take a career path beyond what will give you reasonable earning power and allow you to start a family in favor of putting off a family in order to pursue wealth beyond your need. In most cases, though, your education would be a prudent goal for your marriage and family.

I say “in most cases” because there are times when what would otherwise be good for the family has to be subordinated to some greater need. Obviously, though, you understand the principle of ongoing discernment.
 
avemaria154 said:
I know I’ve already asked this question in a previous forum but would like to get thoughts from others! Some might have a more conservative view with using NFP. I will definitely continue to pray, speak with my future spouse, and priest about this!

By the time I marry my finance, I will have two years left of university. Finishing university is very important to me. Do you think I should postpone our wedding until we are ready to be open to children or do you think it’s ok to marry and use NFP to avoid conception for a year or two?

Thanks and God Bless
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First of all, if you would not be “open to have children” you should not get married yet. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try to postpone conception until after you graduate but if you aren’t even open to the idea, you aren’t ready to get married. Sorry to be blunt but the best laid plans sometimes go astray and if getting pregnant would be a big disappointment, that’s a red flag.

Second, if you marry, it’s going to be up to your prudential judgement to decide when to stop trying to postpone. Just be cautious about waiting for "the perfect time’. It’s easy to say “wait til I graduate” then “but I don’t want to waste my degree” then “we need to have a bigger nest egg”, etc.
 
It seems that some believe or think the use of NFP means a couple is not open to life … in fact that is not true …

A married couple are not required to engage in sexual activity every day, every other day or even every week … also - they are not required to abstain from intimacy during periods when they are not fertile.

NFP uses information about human biology to predict the most favorable times of fertility … which the couple uses in their decision to engage or not …

For many reasons only one of which is in order to avoid fertility - while this may be the most often use of NFP - this information is used by couples seeking to concieve as well 😉 … many supposedly infertile couples have successfully used NFP to concieve when other artifical methods have failed.

important to note - at all times the couple using NFP are open to a life that results from the marital intimacy.
 
As related as the 2 questions seem to be (should they marry? are a couple in these circumstances justified in deferring pregnancy?), they are separate questions.

To the first, they should only marry if they are spiritually prepared for marriage, etc. Most parishes require marriage preparation classes or meetings with the priest to help them discern this. There is no reason to avoid marriage because of college.

To the second, only a couple who have married and taken stock of their state in life are qualified to answer it. Hopefully, they are prayerfully approaching the question and are seeking guidance (as you do here). In the end, however, it can only be answered by the couple.

The second question is implicitly tied to a third, unasked question: Is it acceptable for a person to risk postponing completion of a college degree in order to be open to life now? (My SIL has a now 1-day-old child - her 3rd - whom she suspended her college education for) Again, this question can only be answered by the individual. Your fiance doesn’t have a say in the answer (though he can be involved in helping you address the issue). If you haven’t already addressed this question, here are some rhetorical questions that may help your consideration: Does the school have child care resources? Would you be able to continue your degree part time (i.e. can you take a couple night classes each term while your husband watches a child until you finish - also, are there a lot of corequisites: required classes that mist be taken at the same time)?
 
Corki said:
First of all, if you would not be “open to have children” you should not get married yet. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try to postpone conception until after you graduate but if you aren’t even open to the idea, you aren’t ready to get married. Sorry to be blunt but the best laid plans sometimes go astray and if getting pregnant would be a big disappointment, that’s a red flag.

Second, if you marry, it’s going to be up to your prudential judgement to decide when to stop trying to postpone. Just be cautious about waiting for "the perfect time’. It’s easy to say “wait til I graduate” then “but I don’t want to waste my degree” then “we need to have a bigger nest egg”, etc.
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I think these are issues addressed by a good NFP course, which the OP will want to have taken well before marriage. Perhaps the bride and groom ought to take one, and use the understanding gained there to help them discern when to get married?
 
YADA said:
It seems that some believe or think the use of NFP means a couple is not open to life … in fact that is not true …
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I think some people are responding to this part of the OPs post.
avemaria154 said:
By the time I marry my finance, I will have two years left of university. Finishing university is very important to me. Do you think I should postpone our wedding **until we are ready to be open to children **or do you think it’s ok to marry and use NFP to avoid conception for a year or two?

Thanks and God Bless
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EasterJoy said:
I think these are issues addressed by a good NFP course, which the OP will want to have taken well before marriage. Perhaps the bride and groom ought to take one, and use the understanding gained there to help them discern when to get married?
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And consult with their priest.
 
Corki said:
I think some people are responding to this part of the OPs post.
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I agree - the OP seems to be starting from the position that NFP is being “not open to life” and is somehow ‘wrong’ except in certain cases … 🤷 I was onlly trying to point out that NFP is the use of knowledge and personal action to abstain … not using artifical means to eliminate personal responsibilty … one [NFP] is open to life that occurs naturally - the other [ABC] is not

I understand that there seems to be a movement that equates NFP with ABC … in fact I fail to see the correlation specifically because making a decision not to engage in intercourse [for whatever reason except to punish or hurt one’s spouse in some way] happens between couples every day … we are not animals that act without thought … using knowledge in our relationships is what we do … decisions regarding finances, lifestyle - they impact lives … married couples respect each other … ABC is an attempt to block God’s plan - to artifically prevent life from being formed during a natural act… NFP does not place that same artificial barrier … conception can occur with that encounter - naturally …

As I mentioned many couples use NFP to enhance the chances of conception - 🙂
 
Wow, I’m so grateful for all of your feedback. Thank you!

I am aware that practicing NFP is being open to life but I thought practicing NFP to avoid conception could only been practiced if there were grave and serious reasons. I got the feeling that you shouldn’t get married unless you’re ready for children, meaning not practicing NFP to avoid conception, from a conservative point of view. Also if you plan to use NFP to avoid conception right from the start, should you even be getting married when you can wait to get married when you’re ready to be open to life fully and completely?

I wasn’t sure if university was a grave enough reason to use NFP to avoid conception from the start of marriage and if one should postpone a marriage if they plan to use NFP to avoid conception from day 1…

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be open to life if God were to bless us with a little one when I was in university and practice NFP. We certainly have the finances and are in our mid twenties. We both love our nieces and nephews immensely. They just don’t live close to us. 😦

I agree I should definitely take an NFP class with my fiance, speak with a priest, and continue praying.

Thank you. 🙂
 
avemaria154 said:
I know I’ve already asked this question in a previous forum but would like to get thoughts from others! Some might have a more conservative view with using NFP. I will definitely continue to pray, speak with my future spouse, and priest about this!

By the time I marry my finance, I will have two years left of university. Finishing university is very important to me. Do you think I should postpone our wedding until we are ready to be open to children or do you think it’s ok to marry and use NFP to avoid conception for a year or two?

Thanks and God Bless
Click to expand...
Finish university first, or you never will. Think of that degree as life insurance.
 
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