Should a married person keep his or her memories about his or her ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends

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Many friends like to talk to me about their marriage. They just can’t forget their ex-boys or ex-girls. Should a married person be thinking about their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends? I suggested them not to but they said they couldn’t forget them.
 
**Depends HOW they talk about them. Exes are part of our lives (for most of us) so they will be in our memories. I have many memories that I cannot separate from an ex but that doesn’t mean I still have feelings for them or wish I were with them instead of my wonderful husband.

If friends are telling you that life was better with an ex than with their spouse or they wish they could go back in time and change their life, they have problems and you should suggest counseling. If you are upset simply because the person is referring to an ex in the past, you need to relax.**
 
dumbseeker said:
Many friends like to talk to me about their marriage. They just can’t forget their ex-boys or ex-girls. Should a married person be thinking about their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends? I suggested them not to but they said they couldn’t forget them.
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Actually, praying for them would be in order especially if there was any pre-marital acts in the relationship. I’d suggest e5men.org/ as a perfect example of what I mean. I have former girlfriends I pray for for various reasons, but mostly because they all had unique situations of their own. I called one in 2004 about the same time I was thinking about what it would be like to come back home to the Catholic Church. I called to particularly to see if she was happy and to connect with people from my past. I have a unique situation where I had to abandon everything and everyone from my past. It was a nightmare. I also called her sister, who in reacted by telling me she was a happily married woman. I laughed to myself because I wasn’t interested in “reconnecting” like that. I really was trying to find the best man at my wedding and reconnect. They live in Lafayette and if you know what it’s like there you might understand why I abandoned the place. My former spiritual director lived there and I really didn’t want to be near the guy. He’s “laicized” or his faculties have been removed now. He’s the real reason I didn’t complete my seminary studies. Fortunately I didn’t live like a cat or dog. I tried to live with dignity and treat them with dignity. A couple of them treated me like trash because I wouldn’t give into their comeons. I wish I could say I was perfect, but I know better and would be lying. I appologized for all the stupid things I said and did during the converstation. I love them, but not like I love my wife. They are more like sisters to me now. Sisters that I never talk to or write. I know their husbands are great guys and would give their lives for them. One is a fraternity brother and the other is the son of a former boss of mine. The only reason I contacted them and not the other is because I knew these when I was right out of the seminary and sort of adopted their family. That’s why I contacted both of them, and not just the one I dated. I used to get into little spats with the younger sister and ironically had all of my chances and chose not to act upon sinful ways. I think she had feelings for me too. But she doesn’t even come close to my wife who is so so so sweet.

My wife contacted an old boyfriend about the same time, but to help us. He’s a state senator and we needed some help with a military issue. He was a West Point graduate. They caught up on old times and that was that. We weren’t fishing for something new. It was all about moving forward from the Protestant faith we were stuck in, my wife’s faith. Now that she’s converted she’s unbelieveable, though stressed from keeping it a major secret from her family who are leaders in that denomination.

Man I just told you a lot. Sorry. As long as they don’t act wrong on those relationships they’re fine. Having photos is one thing. But if my wife said burn all of those pics, I’d get rid of them. But I wouldn’t ask her to get rid of hers, and one of them is a former fiance.
 
I should add that I lament not having finished the seminary much more than breaking up with this girl. She was a girl, materialistic and into the shallow life that I couldn’t stand. I was much more deep and wanted a deep relationship with God and if it was in the cards, a spouse. This event happened in 2004 and I found a post I made that year asking about the diaconate with an anti-Catholic wife. She’s Catholic now…and loving it.
 
vocatio said:
Actually, praying for them would be in order especially if there was any pre-marital acts in the relationship. I’d suggest e5men.org/ as a perfect example of what I mean. I have former girlfriends I pray for for various reasons, but mostly because they all had unique situations of their own. I called one in 2004 about the same time I was thinking about what it would be like to come back home to the Catholic Church. I called to particularly to see if she was happy and to connect with people from my past. I have a unique situation where I had to abandon everything and everyone from my past. It was a nightmare. I also called her sister, who in reacted by telling me she was a happily married woman. I laughed to myself because I wasn’t interested in “reconnecting” like that. I really was trying to find the best man at my wedding and reconnect. They live in Lafayette and if you know what it’s like there you might understand why I abandoned the place. My former spiritual director lived there and I really didn’t want to be near the guy. He’s “laicized” or his faculties have been removed now. He’s the real reason I didn’t complete my seminary studies. Fortunately I didn’t live like a cat or dog. I tried to live with dignity and treat them with dignity. A couple of them treated me like trash because I wouldn’t give into their comeons. I wish I could say I was perfect, but I know better and would be lying. I appologized for all the stupid things I said and did during the converstation. I love them, but not like I love my wife. They are more like sisters to me now. Sisters that I never talk to or write. I know their husbands are great guys and would give their lives for them. One is a fraternity brother and the other is the son of a former boss of mine. The only reason I contacted them and not the other is because I knew these when I was right out of the seminary and sort of adopted their family. That’s why I contacted both of them, and not just the one I dated. I used to get into little spats with the younger sister and ironically had all of my chances and chose not to act upon sinful ways. I think she had feelings for me too. But she doesn’t even come close to my wife who is so so so sweet.

My wife contacted an old boyfriend about the same time, but to help us. He’s a state senator and we needed some help with a military issue. He was a West Point graduate. They caught up on old times and that was that. We weren’t fishing for something new. It was all about moving forward from the Protestant faith we were stuck in, my wife’s faith. Now that she’s converted she’s unbelieveable, though stressed from keeping it a major secret from her family who are leaders in that denomination.

Man I just told you a lot. Sorry. As long as they don’t act wrong on those relationships they’re fine. Having photos is one thing. But if my wife said burn all of those pics, I’d get rid of them. But I wouldn’t ask her to get rid of hers, and one of them is a former fiance.
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I am not quite sure what you mean by “acting wrong”. What if they think they would be better off with their ex-boys/girls and still miss or even love them?
 
dumbseeker said:
Many friends like to talk to me about their marriage. They just can’t forget their ex-boys or ex-girls. Should a married person be thinking about their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends? I suggested them not to but they said they couldn’t forget them.
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Oh, I have been married nearly 40 years and occasionally think about some of my ex-boyfriends. Just pleasant memories, nothing to them, and I wonder how they are doing. Nothing wrong with that.

However, just as I’ve grown older and am not youthful looking any more, so have they, and I probably would not recognize them with their wrinkles, gray hair, or possibly bald heads, and a few pounds around the middle where none was before. So that kind of gives me a reality check:p
 
My post is in part, in reference to your other thread, dumbseeker. I think there is one thing to “keep a memory” as a way of having a nostalgic flashback that causes one to smile…and it’s another to ‘wish’ you could go back in time, and change your life to be with an old flame–feeling regretful of the life you’re living. Far two different things. I think about old high school bf’s on occasion, or college ones…and mainly it is because I’m so grateful I DID NOT marry them, and married my hubby instead. I imagine he does the same. We talk about old bf’s/gf’s with each other, not often, but sometimes…and it’s more funny than anything.

But, for a person to wish he/she was somewhere else…had made a different decision…that is a recipe for trouble, if he/she keeps dwelling on it. (if he/she is married or the old flame is married)

I am not sure what advice to give your friends who say these things, except maybe that what they wish for isn’t the old flame at all. Maybe they just wish their current person treated them better…or the current relationship was better. Maybe suggest counseling, if the two are married…and of course, tell them to pray. I often ask my friends to pray during trying times in their lives.
 
dumbseeker said:
Many friends like to talk to me about their marriage. They just can’t forget their ex-boys or ex-girls. Should a married person be thinking about their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends? I suggested them not to but they said they couldn’t forget them.
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It’s best to remember past events for the sake of the lessons they provide.

If they reflect on their ex’s in an inappropriately lustful way, then, that might be a red flag–not sinful, just a tiny bit immature. Otherwise, it should be perfectly alright to remember past loves.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
dumbseeker said:
I am not quite sure what you mean by “acting wrong”. What if they think they would be better off with their ex-boys/girls and still miss or even love them?
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I would rephrase this to say not to act upon your temptations or feelings of what once was with another person. Simple. If you’re married, you don’t toy with the thought of dumping your wife to go to an old girlfriend. That is sinful. It is a weak minded thing to fall into and very sinful at that. Souls are at stake, particularly if there are children.
 
Feanaro's Wife:
Depends HOW they talk about them. Exes are part of our lives (for most of us) so they will be in our memories. I have many memories that I cannot separate from an ex but that doesn’t mean I still have feelings for them or wish I were with them instead of my wonderful husband.
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I’d also add how much they talk about them and what triggers the talk. If it’s prompted by something particular eg being somewhere they used to go with them, a school reunion, meeting with someone who knew them them, and the memory isn’t indulged in then that’s fine.

Can be problemmatic if the memories are unprompted and long-standing.
Feanaro's Wife:
If friends are telling you that life was better with an ex than with their spouse or they wish they could go back in time and change their life, they have problems and you should suggest counseling. If you are upset simply because the person is referring to an ex in the past, you need to relax.
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Especially if the person starts telling them that they wish their spouse was more like an ex and they would have had a better marriage with them.

Wonder if people who indulge in this realise what they are really saying to their spouse when they say this, especially when they say their motive is make their spouse more loving and/or change to be more like their ex.
 
It can wreck your marriage. About a year ago my wife reconnected with a former boyfriend through one of these reunion sites (she came to the US as a refugee years ago and lost all contact with former classmates). Well to make a long story short, they began an intense and passionate email/chat affair (non-physical as far as I know though a lot of sex talk). She soon appeared very sad and distraught stopped speaking to me aside from very banal conversations, says she no longer loves me, and started treating me nastily (verbally, mainly). The only saving graces thus far are: a) he is an order priest and b) was recalled to their home country six months ago. Whether our marriage lasts the year is in God’s hands, since she thus far refuses any marriage counseling.

There were some very painful issues in her past that were unresolved and I think this is probably the key point. For people who don’t have “skeletons in the closet” reconnecting with former flames might be fine, for those that do take my story as a warning.

We have two children, so of course prayers for all of us are most welcome.
 
Jan_Bolbot said:
It can wreck your marriage. About a year ago my wife reconnected with a former boyfriend through one of these reunion sites (she came to the US as a refugee years ago and lost all contact with former classmates). Well to make a long story short, they began an intense and passionate email/chat affair (non-physical as far as I know though a lot of sex talk). She soon appeared very sad and distraught stopped speaking to me aside from very banal conversations, says she no longer loves me, and started treating me nastily (verbally, mainly). The only saving graces thus far are: a) he is an order priest and b) was recalled to their home country six months ago. Whether our marriage lasts the year is in God’s hands, since she thus far refuses any marriage counseling.

There were some very painful issues in her past that were unresolved and I think this is probably the key point. For people who don’t have “skeletons in the closet” reconnecting with former flames might be fine, for those that do take my story as a warning.

We have two children, so of course prayers for all of us are most welcome.
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Your wife’s ex-boy is an ordered priest?
 
Nothing wrong having memories, but they shouldn’t interfere with current commitments.
 
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