Should I Apologise?

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DoughnutGuy

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This might take some explaining and it might be cringe-worthy, so please bear with me. Also, it seems it is too long for one post, so I shall have to post some of it in the replies.

Around mid-2017, I started developing feelings for a woman online, and she for me. Let us call her Karen. This was the first time either of us had felt such strong feelings. Eventually, Karen confessed her feelings to me, and at length I did the same. However, although I told Karen I loved her, I made it clear repeatedly over the next two years that I did not want to date her. That was because a) I did not want children and b) if I married Karen, my religion would require me to have uncontracepted intercourse with her, open to the possibility of life.

Our relationship, such as it was, went through various ups and downs, causing tremendous pain on both sides, and causing our respective clinical depressions to relapse. At one point, we started describing things we would like to do to each other, but I put a stop to that, because I realised that we were causing each other to sin. Over time, it became clear that Karen had a serious problem with jealousy. She would get jealous not only of other women, but even of my platonic male friends. Nonetheless, we stayed in contact, because we were both part of the same online community.

It is now necessary to introduce another character to the online melodrama that my life has become. Let us call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Karen became friends around the end of last year, after Karen and I had another fight and she confided in Elizabeth. Eventually, Karen and I made up again. Karen and Elizabeth remained close friends, and I myself found it helpful to have someone in Elizabeth who understood our situation. Now, I should be clear that neither Elizabeth nor I had any romantic interest in the other whatsoever. In fact, Elizabeth was in a relationship with another member of our online community. Nonetheless, my interactions with Elizabeth eventually made Karen jealous.

I should say a few words about the different personalities of these two women. Elizabeth is a rather wild and shameless woman (and she would be the first to admit it), while Karen is considerably more strait-laced. Elizabeth gets into all sorts of amusing antics. As an example, and I mention this only because I think it is necessary to explain the story, Elizabeth regaled us with tales about her misplacing her underwear and going to McDonald’s wearing nothing but a dressing gown. Now, I myself am also very strait-laced, which is one reason why I had no romantic interest in Elizabeth. However, I did find Elizabeth very funny, and I would interact with her about her escapades. I would make fun of her (in a friendly way) for misplacing her underwear and so forth.

To be continued in the replies.
 
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Now, here is the thing. I knew my interactions with Elizabeth were making Karen jealous. However, I was utterly convinced that it was not reasonable of Karen to feel this way, precisely because, as I say a) I had no romantic interest in Elizabeth, b) Elizabeth was in a relationship, and c) I had made it very clear to Karen that I did not want to be in a relationship with Karen either. Nonetheless, I knew that my interactions with Elizabeth could cause problems between Elizabeth and Karen. Part of me might even have wanted it, because I was worried that Elizabeth would be a bad influence on Karen. However, that is not why I interacted with Elizabeth the way I did. I just found her a fun and funny person (although I certainly did not approve of the way she behaved).

At one point, Karen found out that I had seen Elizabeth’s LinkedIn profile. This also made Karen jealous, in part because Karen was under the impression that I might have seen inappropriate pictures of Elizabeth on LinkedIn. Karen asked me whether I had, to which I replied sarcastically (something along the lines of), “yes, people often put inappropriate images on LinkedIn. It is an excellent way to impress potential employers”. Now, to anyone else, the sarcasm here would have been obvious. No one who wants a respectable job would put inappropriate pictures of herself on LinkedIn.

However, it was immediately obvious to me that Karen was unable to see the humour. In retrospect, given Elizabeth’s stories about her losing her clothes and going out in public in nothing but a dressing gown, I can see how Karen might have thought that Elizabeth really might put inappropriate pictures of herself on LinkedIn. Nonetheless, at the time, I was so convinced that Karen’s jealousy was unreasonable that I did not think I should even have had to point out that I was obviously joking. In fact, I considered blocking Karen, because I knew from past experience that when she got like this, it could be bad for my mental health. At one point, Karen asked me to tell her whenever I was joking, but I refused, saying that her irrational jealousy and inability to comprehend humour were her problems, not mine.

Eventually, Karen could evidently stand the situation no more. So a few months ago she went to Elizabeth and basically accused her of leading me on (or something like that). Karen told Elizabeth that the situation was analogous to Elizabeth’s boyfriend expressing an interest in seeing inappropriate pictures of Karen and Karen “adding fuel to the fire”. This analogy infuriated me, because I was not in a relationship with Karen and she had no claim to me. It also infuriated me that Karen would have the audacity to treat a friend like that; as Elizabeth and I saw it, Karen was basically accusing Elizabeth of trying to steal me. Evidently, Elizabeth did not appreciate being treated that way, and she ‘dumped’ Karen as a friend. This hurt Karen deeply, because she had been so close to Elizabeth, and Karen now hates both Elizabeth and myself. She tells me she curses me every day.
 
Now for the reason I am putting this in moral theology. Should I have interacted differently with Elizabeth, or at least told Karen that I was joking about the LinkedIn thing (and agreed to tell her whenever I was joking about such things)? My interactions with Elizabeth cost Karen her friendship with Elizabeth, which was something I knew might happen. I have mentioned this situation in confession just in case I did anything wrong, but I am really struggling to see how I did anything wrong here. It would have cost me very little to refrain from joking around with Elizabeth and to make it clear to Karen when I was joking. It might have been the prudent thing to do, given the potential consequences. Perhaps it would even have been the right thing to do, given how much Karen cared about me and given how I was making her feel. However, I did not see any reason why I should have to do anything at all to assuage Karen’s jealousy, because that jealousy was so irrational.

I do not think there was anything necessarily wrong with my interactions with Elizabeth in and of themselves. So it seemed to me like it would have been an oppressive restriction on my freedom to have to act differently just to prevent Karen from getting jealous. Keep in mind that, as I said, Karen would get jealous even of my platonic male friendships (and mistreated one of my friends because of that). Obviously, I am not under any obligation not to have friends just to keep Karen from getting jealous. Now, if I had actually been in a romantic relationship with Karen (and if Elizabeth had not been in a relationship of her own), then perhaps her jealousy would not have been so unreasonable. However, we were not dating, and I think Karen behaved quite disgracefully towards Elizabeth. Even so, I am open to being convinced that I did something wrong, too.

Karen has said that she will never forgive me, even if I do apologise, but let us put that to one side. I have been trying to find something to apologise for, but I will not lie and say I am sorry when I am not. I really want to know whether other Catholics think my behaviour was sinful, and thus whether I should apologise. Feel free to comment on the merits of my “just in case” approach to confession, too. Thank you for your time.
 
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You need to get some “real life “ friends. Having online relationships need to develop into real life.

But the bottom line is that Karen is too needy, Elizabeth is not for you and you won’t be marrying either of them, so cut them loose as friends because they both cause too much drama.
 
Just curious,did you actually meet either in real life ?
If it were myself I would have ended communications long long ago if attachment,attraction and hope of more was there but no hope of marriage for Karen.
God bless .
 
No, I never did. Fortunately, I at least had enough sense not to let that happen.
 
Well, I was really trying to be self-deprecating. It could have been bad for both of us.
 
If you don’t intend to marry and have children, you must understand the basics of human nature. People can become attached to the fantasy of another person and hope for more in the relationship than agreed.

And when you originally detected the hurt jealousy, it would have been respectful to withdraw at that time as clearly the first girl hoped secretly for more than you are prepared to give. Her reaction was immediately evident as attached and hoping for a deeper relationship. To continue beyond that time was unkind.

Consider writing books, or whatever creative activity is possible to you rather than to tie up a girls feelings in a relationship that has no real substance.
Vicarious living in social media prevents people from moving on to live real life. And we must try to be less self-involved than we are tempted to be.
 
@DoughnutGuy —Reread what you’ve written. Karen sounds a bit mentally unbalanced, especially since you’ve never met face-to-face, and given that she knows that you’ve told her that you have no intentions to marry.

However, it’s human nature to dwell upon one’s hopes for the future, and Karen clearly hoped that you ultimately would be in her future, since you both had proclaimed your love for each other, and even, for a time, engaged in a version of phone sex. She hoped that, in spite of your telling her you had no plans to marry, given enough time, you’d change your mind.

Obviously, since you’ve posted here, asking if you should apologize, this entire episode bothers you, and you sound as though you do want to do “the right thing.” If I were in your shoes, I’d acknowledge her pain, but not apologize for having actually done anything wrong. I’d say something like, “Karen, I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt, especially since you know that I’d made it clear that we cannot be a couple. We’ve discussed that several times. Your refusal to accept that we aren’t a couple and that we are free to talk with whomever we wish has caused way too much drama. It’s time for us to stop our conversations. I wish good things for you and that you find the happiness you seek. Good-bye, and good luck.”

Then, I’d either permanently leave the site or block her. I wouldn’t wait to see her response. She’s said that she won’t accept an apology, so let her live by her words. There’s no point in dragging this out into a longer good-bye than it’s already been.

Learn from this experience, though. Don’t tell a girl, online or offline, that you love her, unless you’re ready to commit to marriage. Although I do know some who’ve met online and have been happily married for several years, there’s generally too much opportunity for living in a fairytale world in the anonymity of online friendships. Lol! Typers, beware!

Best wishes to you, DoughnutGuy!
 
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