Should I attend the baptism of a friend's child?

[freethinker83]

Our (my wife and I) good friends recently mailed us an invitation to their infant’s baptism. We’ve never really discussed religion with them in past, but we are not closet atheists. They participated in our wedding ceremony and the lack of religion during the service should have been one clue. I am also an open atheist on facebook which they could easily see. I am no sure if they are aware of our religious views or not.

Would you invite atheists to your child’s baptism? I am not offended by the invitation or anything like that. I am uncomfortable going to the service. A religious wedding or funeral is a bit different b/c it isn’t a purely religious event.

Should I decline the invitation? I do not want to insult our friends, but at the same time I don’t really feel I have any place at the event. I’m not trying to start a debate, but I am personally opposed to infant baptism. Our friends can be a little bit touchy, so I’m worried that declining will leave them feeling insulted.

Also, what sort of gift is expected? I’m obviously uncomfortable buying a religious themed gift. I also can’t help but feel that if they know our beliefs the invitation is a gift-grab.

I’m hoping to get responses from the perspective of our friends. Would you invite an atheist? Would you be insulted if they didn’t come? Do you think it could be gift-seeking?

 

[Jayne_L]

1. Whether I invite my atheist (or other religion) friends, which depend on the friendship. I would if they were close friends, but generally I’d probably try and stick with christians. It is a celebration of the christian faith, so why invite atheists? The exception would be people I expect to be a part of my childrens lives and who would expect an invitation (i.e. my non-christian brother).
2. I wouldn’t be insulted if they didn’t come. I have family members who don’t accept infant baptism and I understand why they’d feel uncomfortable going to one.
3. Further on that point, there are religious events that I would not be comfortable going to and I hope my friends/family would accept that, so I need to show the same courtesy.
4. If you want to buy something (I don’t personally think it’s necessary) then you could do something simple like a nice frame. Non-religious, but still event appropriate.

Is it gift seeking? I’d say it’s more a lack of thought. Most people just don’t think about these things as deeply as you have. It’s an event - like any celebration you invite everyone.

Can you come up with something to be busy with that day? That way you can say you are other wise engaged without having to go into your religious objections.

 

[Catholic90]

They undoubtedly see baptism as an important event in their child’s life, and they also want to share that event with good friends - you!

If you are really “good friends”, as you said, then they simply want you there to help celebrate their child.

Could you skip the religious service part and join them afterwords for the party part (assuming they are having one)? In my experience, baptism gifts are not elaborate at all - a frame, a soft toy they can use in church, a blanket, etc.

 

[MartyrForJesus]

1. Whether I invite my atheist (or other religion) friends, which depend on the friendship. I would if they were close friends, but generally I’d probably try and stick with christians. It is a celebration of the christian faith, so why invite atheists? The exception would be people I expect to be a part of my childrens lives and who would expect an invitation (i.e. my non-christian brother).
2. I wouldn’t be insulted if they didn’t come. I have family members who don’t accept infant baptism and I understand why they’d feel uncomfortable going to one.
3. Further on that point, there are religious events that I would not be comfortable going to and I hope my friends/family would accept that, so I need to show the same courtesy.
4. If you want to buy something (I don’t personally think it’s necessary) then you could do something simple like a nice frame. Non-religious, but still event appropriate.

Is it gift seeking? I’d say it’s more a lack of thought. Most people just don’t think about these things as deeply as you have. It’s an event - like any celebration you invite everyone.

Can you come up with something to be busy with that day? That way you can say you are other wise engaged without having to go into your religious objections.

 

[freethinker83]

They undoubtedly see baptism as an important event in their child’s life, and they also want to share that event with good friends - you!

If you are really “good friends”, as you said, then they simply want you there to help celebrate their child.

Could you skip the religious service part and join them afterwords for the party part (assuming they are having one)? In my experience, baptism gifts are not elaborate at all - a frame, a soft toy they can use in church, a blanket, etc.

The frame is a good idea, I never would have thought of that. The other poster suggested it as well, so thank you both.

They are hosting a luncheon afterwards. I would feel rude to skip the ceremony and show up for lunch, so I guess it is all or nothing!

In regards to a card would a congratulations card of some sort be appropriate? Maybe just a blank card with a personal message? A religious card from us would not be genuine.

 

[maryjk]

Would you invite atheists to your child’s baptism? I am not offended by the invitation or anything like that. I am uncomfortable going to the service. A religious wedding or funeral is a bit different b/c it isn’t a purely religious event.

:yup:
I invited my husband, the baby’s father.

Should I decline the invitation? I do not want to insult our friends, but at the same time I don’t really feel I have any place at the event. I’m not trying to start a debate, but I am personally opposed to infant baptism. Our friends can be a little bit touchy, so I’m worried that declining will leave them feeling insulted.

If you feel that it would be impossible for you to go and keep silent about your thoughts about infant baptism, then RSVP no. If you can smile and make nice, keeping your thoughts to yourself, feel free to come and be part of the day.

Also, what sort of gift is expected? I’m obviously uncomfortable buying a religious themed gift. I also can’t help but feel that if they know our beliefs the invitation is a gift-grab.

It depends if these are really good friends or just people you know. If they are really good friends, they are simply trying to include you on an important day. If they are just people you know, yes it is a gift grab.

I’m hoping to get responses from the perspective of our friends. Would you invite an atheist? Would you be insulted if they didn’t come? Do you think it could be gift-seeking?

 

[purplesunshine]

If they’re hosting a luncheon afterward I doubt it’s a gift grab. Even if they cooked the food themselves it’s still quite expensive.

The other thing, is if it’s their first child they may be in that "baby’s first drool’ stage where EVERYTHING the kid did is amazing. Baptizm gives them a chance to "show off’ baby.

 

[jimrob]

The main rites of passage in life are birth, marriage and death. Whatever you views on religion, you’ve got to admit that our ceremonies certainly leave the events well marked. Your friends’ child is being named and introduced to the Catholic community. If you wish to show your friendship, go and observe, even if you do not believe that the ceremony has any purpose.

When the child had his or her zero-th birthday, child and parents were a little preoccupied. That’s why present giving tends to be deferred until baptism. However, presents are not part of the baptism celebration. Feel free to give the child a present or not.

 

[gh4]

When my son was baptized and confirmed and took first communion all rolled up into one (he was 12) I invited all our good friends, including my son’s friends. I didn’t even think of their religion preferences. I just wanted our good and precious friends to be there to help my son celebrate a very special day in his life. We all went out to eat afterwards on my dime. It was a wonderful time. Our non-Catholic and non-religious friends were there and it was wonderful to have them. I don’t even remember if they brought gifts, that wasn’t important. It was a lovely day and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

 

[freethinker83]

That’s why present giving tends to be deferred until baptism. However, presents are not part of the baptism celebration. Feel free to give the child a present or not.

I see. We have already met the child and given gifts to welcome her into the world. Maybe a gift is not needed.

 

[Bearontherun]

IMHO they are probably planning to invite a large number of people and didn’t want to leave you out. I suspect they didn’t want to hurt your feelings in any way or offend you by not sending you an invite. More likely than not, they won’t be surprised if you decline the invitation.

 

[Incomplete]

I have a good friend who, until very recently, was atheist. If during those years there has been such an event and he lived nearby, I would have invited him and he would have accepted, assuming he didn’t have a conflict with the date. I would’ve done this because he was a dear friend and we are interested in each other’s life. He would’ve accepted for the same reasons.

As far as a “congratulations” card, you don’t have to be congratulating them on the baptism that you don’t believe in, but on their joy in this occasion.

If this is truly a good friend, it sounds like it was the hand of friendship and sharing they were intending.

 

[vsedriver]

I see. We have already met the child and given gifts to welcome her into the world. Maybe a gift is not needed.

if they mailed you an invitation did they include an RSVP? Simply return the RSVP with unable to attend. You are not obligated to give an explanation. You’ve already acknowledged the birth and given a gift. When next you meet simply congratulate the couple on the Baptism and let it go.

 

[dconklin]

If I was one of the parents with a friend that is atheist, I would always make subtle overtures to show the that friend that this “God stuff” is not so bad. Have a nice time at the celebration.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m hoping to get responses from the perspective of our friends. Would you invite an atheist? Would you be insulted if they didn’t come? Do you think it could be gift-seeking?

I would not invite anyone to a religious rite for a member of my family if I thought the invitation would be offensive to them, no. I might invite them to a family celebration afterward if the people in question normally participate in such family functions, holidays, birthdays etc., or if they are particularly close to the child in question.

Do I think it could be a general invitation issued to everyone they have ever had the slightest contact with as a gift-generating marketing ploy? of course not, Miss Manners would be horrified if I made such an assumption.

A card with a few dollars inside is a welcome gift on all occasions, and the card does not have to be religious but generic.

btw, if I did not know these people well enough to know whether or not they would be offended or astonished to receive such an invitation I probably would not invite them at all to what is essentially an intimate family occasion.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

My husband and I did not invite atheists to our baby’s baptism. But of course, people see things differently and maybe your friends don’t think it is an issue for you since it is obviously not an issue for them.

Do you know how many people have been invited? Because if your friends are inviting everybody they know then it would be easier to get out of it. If it is a small number of people then it is a bit more tricky.

If I were you I would excuse myself and send a card instead.

 

[smswife]

My brother, a former Catholic, and his family did not attend the baptisms and 1st Holy Communions for my children and my sister’s child.

They are Baptists and don’t believe in infant baptism or the sacraments.

On the other hand, my sister’s Jewish neighbors who are like extra grandparents to my nephew came and celebrated with us at her son’s sacraments.

Neither of us invited any acknowledged atheists to these events, but I would have if they had been family or close friends.

Are these close enough friends that you would be expected to come to major life events, like graduations, weddings, etc., and invite them to such events in your family?

If so, I suggest you go, sit in the back at church and give a nonreligious card and present.

On the other hand, if doing so makes you feel like you are denying your own beliefs (as my brother did), then graciously explain it to them, making clear that you still cherish their child and their friendship. This is what my brother did.

Or, if not that close, politely decline w/o an explanation other than “unable to make it that day”.

Good luck, and congratulations to your friends!

 

[freethinker83]

My brother, a former Catholic, and his family did not attend the baptisms and 1st Holy Communions for my children and my sister’s child.

They are Baptists and don’t believe in infant baptism or the sacraments.

On the other hand, my sister’s Jewish neighbors who are like extra grandparents to my nephew came and celebrated with us at her son’s sacraments.

Neither of us invited any acknowledged atheists to these events, but I would have if they had been family or close friends.

Are these close enough friends that you would be expected to come to major life events, like graduations, weddings, etc., and invite them to such events in your family?

If so, I suggest you go, sit in the back at church and give a nonreligious card and present.

On the other hand, if doing so makes you feel like you are denying your own beliefs (as my brother did), then graciously explain it to them, making clear that you still cherish their child and their friendship. This is what my brother did.

Or, if not that close, politely decline w/o an explanation other than “unable to make it that day”.

Good luck, and congratulations to your friends!

Thank you (and everyone else) for the insight.

Yes, these are close friends. As you said, we would likely attend this child’s other major life events in the future, and they will likely do the same with our (future) children. We will probably end up just going. I could do as you said and politely explain that the ceremony would really have no meaning to us, but it may just be better to suck it up and not risk offending anyone.

One thing I’m honestly afraid of is a family/clergy member present talking to us and asking “what religion are you” and that leading to an uncomfortable situation. I know it’s unlikely, but it could happen.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

One thing I’m honestly afraid of is a family/clergy member present talking to us and asking “what religion are you” and that leading to an uncomfortable situation. I know it’s unlikely, but it could happen.

Even if that happened you could just say you don’t attend church/are not religious and leave it at that. I’m sure the priest has met all kinds of people with different beliefs and would not be shocked. Same for other guests.