Should I back out of volunteer positions if my anxiety is returning?

[mommamaree]

I had been doing so well. Not having anxiety attacks, no heart palpitations, no shaking. Nothing, other than the usual social anxiety I have long dealt with. Then, recently, I had volunteered to organize two different groups that failed before they got off the ground, and last month, I volunteered for an open position on a steering team, called Care Team Coordinator. It is the person responsible for organizing meal trains and other help for people going through rough times. It sounded great. But I immediately started regretting it. My desire to be more involved led me into a situation which caused increasing anxiety. Now, my anxiety attacks have restarted. The other people on the steering team have altered the responsibilities of my position so now there are more complicated things for which I would theoretically be responsible. Every day I worry that I am not doing my job. My first steering team meeting, the ladies discussed whether or not to “fire” another not-present steering team member because, despite the fact she was going through a mini-crisis, she was not involved enough. I thought I would just be helping make meals for moms who are sick or who have sick kids. Now I have to prove my dedication and manage this complex meal-sharing system.
I do not have the time or the mental/emotional resources to deal with this.
I have four kids, 8, 6, 3, and nursing infant.
I homeschool three of them.
So long story short, I am considering quitting. Would other parents in my position bail, even though it might mean I become persona non grata in this organization?

 

[pensmama87]

Based on how you describe the situation, I wouldn’t mind being persona non grata in this organization. Yikes!

I have two littles (2.5 and 6 mos) and I have minimal involvement in outside groups - I participate in a Catholic moms group, but I don’t run anything. I do make meals for other moms in the group when they have a baby, etc (actually, I raid my freezer store for already made meals ) I know I am susceptible to pleas for help, but I have finally realized that I am just not capable right now and probably won’t be for many years - especially if I keep having kids. I am introverted and have intense social anxiety - what you’re describing is very familiar to me. There are other people who can step up and handle these things. If you’re in this much stress, it’s going to affect your primary jobs - being your husband’s wife and your kids’ mother.

Based on my experiences, my vote would be to step down and let the ladies say whatever they want. You can help out without running anything.

 

[fontgoddess]

I have been there. You need to resign now, no matter if there are hard feelings. Your primary responsibility is to your family, and they should understand that! You have more than enough on your plate at home to cause you anxiety, withouthaving this additional stress. The worst part is telling them, I know. But you will feel such relief afterward. Trust me.

 

[mommamaree]

Thanks. Yes, I am introverted with intense social anxiety, too, but I will usually be easily coerced into doing something when emotional pleas are directed my way. Sigh. I need to learn my lesson from this and never ever ever do this to myself again. I ended up resigning through the steering team message board, because my anxiety attack was growing worse and it was all due to this group. I am the fourth person they have run off from the steering team in less than a year. The groups does have some serious flaws and my friends were worried about me joining the steering team. So, despite my own issues, this group is quite dysfunctional.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. Say, “I’m very sorry, but as important as what our group does, I’m not going to be able to continue volunteering with you. I will keep you in my prayers, but I will be resigning as of _______”.

Not “I feel as if I ought to” or “I think I should” but use direct language that does not invite an argument. If you are asked for reasons, you ought to say, “It is personal, but it is for health reasons, not anything that anyone here has done wrong. This should not be taken as a criticism of any of you.”

Do not worry about someone else making you into persona non grata. Concern yourself with whether you are morally doing the right thing, and after that do not concern yourself with how other people judge you. That will give anybody anxiety attacks.

You do not have anything to “prove” to anybody. Your family is the only one entitled to have you see to them completely before taking anyone else into account. That doesn’t mean you always have to put their wants ahead of anyone else’s needs, but that is not what you are talking about. They need you to be of sound mind.

When you get into volunteering, use this experience to consider in advance what sorts of volunteering you will NOT agree to do. If God wants to make a Moses out of you and wants to put you in a position to excel where you seem to be utterly unsuited for the job, God will find a way. What usually happens instead (as you know) is that it is someone else other than God who is behind these railroad jobs. Your children will thank you if you do not allow that to be you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. Yes, I am introverted with intense social anxiety, too, but I will usually be easily coerced into doing something when emotional pleas are directed my way. Sigh. I need to learn my lesson from this and never ever ever do this to myself again. I ended up resigning through the steering team message board, because my anxiety attack was growing worse and it was all due to this group. I am the fourth person they have run off from the steering team in less than a year. The groups does have some serious flaws and my friends were worried about me joining the steering team. So, despite my own issues, this group is quite dysfunctional.

It is a bad fit for you. That is all you need to know.

As for finding yourself an easy target for coercion, it can help to have a policy where “My husband and I talk about these things before we take on any new commitments, so I will have to get back to you.” Your husband will help you to stick to your guns, just as you would for him. You, your husband, and God: a three-ply cord is not easily broken.

 

[mommamaree]

It is a bad fit for you. That is all you need to know.

As for finding yourself an easy target for coercion, it can help to have a policy where “My husband and I talk about these things before we take on any new commitments, so I will have to get back to you.” Your husband will help you to stick to your guns, just as you would for him. You, your husband, and God: a three-ply cord is not easily broken.

That is an awesome plan, EasterJoy! Thank you.

 

[mommamaree]

Yes. Say, “I’m very sorry, but as important as what our group does, I’m not going to be able to continue volunteering with you. I will keep you in my prayers, but I will be resigning as of _______”.

Not “I feel as if I ought to” or “I think I should” but use direct language that does not invite an argument. If you are asked for reasons, you ought to say, “It is personal, but it is for health reasons, not anything that anyone here has done wrong. This should not be taken as a criticism of any of you.”

Do not worry about someone else making you into persona non grata. Concern yourself with whether you are morally doing the right thing, and after that do not concern yourself with how other people judge you. That will give anybody anxiety attacks.

You do not have anything to “prove” to anybody. Your family is the only one entitled to have you see to them completely before taking anyone else into account. That doesn’t mean you always have to put their wants ahead of anyone else’s needs, but that is not what you are talking about. They need you to be of sound mind.

When you get into volunteering, use this experience to consider in advance what sorts of volunteering you will NOT agree to do. If God wants to make a Moses out of you and wants to put you in a position to excel where you seem to be utterly unsuited for the job, God will find a way. What usually happens instead (as you know) is that it is someone else other than God who is behind these railroad jobs. Your children will thank you if you do not allow that to be you.

I think I did a good job of giving a diplomatic notice of resignation. I said I was a bit hasty in volunteering, and once I knew the extent of the responsibilities, I realized that I simply do not have the resources or qualities they need. I expressed my regret, offered an apology, praised them for the good work that they do, and mentioned my interest in participating in some activities with them, as far as I am able. I do not want to cause hard feelings, but I wanted the resignation to be firm. While the group seems to have some serious problems, the individual women I have met are people I enjoy seeing socially, and I do not want to lose out on deepening friendships with them, if I can at all help it.

 

[pensmama87]

It is a bad fit for you. That is all you need to know.

As for finding yourself an easy target for coercion, it can help to have a policy where “My husband and I talk about these things before we take on any new commitments, so I will have to get back to you.” Your husband will help you to stick to your guns, just as you would for him. You, your husband, and God: a three-ply cord is not easily broken.

This may not apply to you, mommamaree, but for anyone else who may be reading this thread who has a problem saying “no” to emotional appeals (which as I said in my previous post applies to me too ): If the response to the above suggestion by EasterJoy is, “Your husband should trust you/he’s only controlling you/aren’t you smart enough to make your own decisions”…or anything like that…RUN, do not walk away.

I hope it wouldn’t happen for a charitable-type endeavor, but I’ve had this line used on me before, when I was in an incredibly vulnerable position. The line worked, and I’m still clearing the wreckage. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge into a marriage to get what they want is someone any spouse should completely avoid.

 

[EasterJoy]

This may not apply to you, mommamaree, but for anyone else who may be reading this thread who has a problem saying “no” to emotional appeals (which as I said in my previous post applies to me too ): If the response to the above suggestion by EasterJoy is, “Your husband should trust you/he’s only controlling you/aren’t you smart enough to make your own decisions”…or anything like that…RUN, do not walk away.

I hope it wouldn’t happen for a charitable-type endeavor, but I’ve had this line used on me before, when I was in an incredibly vulnerable position. The line worked, and I’m still clearing the wreckage. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge into a marriage to get what they want is someone any spouse should completely avoid.

Some people will give the “he’s controlling you” line, but it is easy to say, “Oh, no. With four kids, we’ve learned to be on the same page. We run a joint counsel, and I’m not going maverick now! It works very well for us, actually. It helps us each keep from rushing in to things, too. It helps us to know our mind–that and prayer. I think more people should try it.”

 

[EasterJoy]

That is an awesome plan, EasterJoy! Thank you.

From what I gather, it is really what you already do, isn’t it? It is the way it goes on our best days, at any rate. You have a good marriage, so use it!! No apologies needed for that!

 

[UbiCaritas]

I think I did a good job of giving a diplomatic notice of resignation. I said I was a bit hasty in volunteering, and once I knew the extent of the responsibilities, I realized that I simply do not have the resources or qualities they need. I expressed my regret, offered an apology, praised them for the good work that they do, and mentioned my interest in participating in some activities with them, as far as I am able. I do not want to cause hard feelings, but I wanted the resignation to be firm. While the group seems to have some serious problems, the individual women I have met are people I enjoy seeing socially, and I do not want to lose out on deepening friendships with them, if I can at all help it.

That sounds like the perfect solution. Good for you! I can have some social anxiety, and from your description of the group in question I can easily imagine having it triggered by such a situation…ugh! I’m also the sort of person who’d have no problem bringing a meal to a new mom, but dealing with committees and the like, especially when they tend to be as catty as the one you describe? No. thank. you. Nice job handling the whole business!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

So long story short, I am considering quitting. Would other parents in my position bail, even though it might mean I become persona non grata in this organization?

I’m amazed that you signed up for this given how busy you are with your family. Helping others is wonderful and we should all get involved if possible. But not to the detriment of our health. If you are already exhausted with your work at home, then this would perhaps be too much to handle on top of everything else.

I think you have every reason to quit. Better now than later, before things get going.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m amazed that you signed up for this given how busy you are with your family. Helping others is wonderful and we should all get involved if possible. But not to the detriment of our health. If you are already exhausted with your work at home, then this would perhaps be too much to handle on top of everything else.

I think you have every reason to quit. Better now than later, before things get going.

It may be surprising, but sometimes volunteering is a good outlet for a SAHM. It offers adult interaction and accomplishments that do not need to be done all over again tomorrow. Low-stress is the ticket, though, you’re right.

I found that helping out with cleaning church was a good thing…just push around a vacuum or straighten up the pews and spend time with some very down-to-earth fellow parishioners. No big projects, just clean for an hour or so. Sometimes we’d have coffee afterwards, and the group was big enough to be flexible about those who couldn’t come every time. It was just the thing. (I used to love helping my mom clean church with the ladies, so it also had that going for it.)

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Some people will give the “he’s controlling you” line, but it is easy to say, “Oh, no. With four kids, we’ve learned to be on the same page. We run a joint counsel, and I’m not going maverick now! It works very well for us, actually. It helps us each keep from rushing in to things, too. It helps us to know our mind–that and prayer. I think more people should try it.”

I absolutely agree with this. And not only that it can be used as an “excuse.” It is important to a well-regulated household for husband and wife to be on the same page. In some situations, I have simply said I needed to consult the family calendar (or that I had read the calendar wrong and I wasn’t able to help after all).

It makes me wonder when the same women who will complain about their husbands being “clueless” or not helping enough with the kids, would also be suprised when I said I needed to discuss a commitment with my husband or check a joint calendar.

 

[mommamaree]

That sounds like the perfect solution. Good for you! I can have some social anxiety, and from your description of the group in question I can easily imagine having it triggered by such a situation…ugh! I’m also the sort of person who’d have no problem bringing a meal to a new mom, but dealing with committees and the like, especially when they tend to be as catty as the one you describe? No. thank. you. Nice job handling the whole business!

It is a good group to be a little player in, but the steering team expects serious dedication of time and energy, and if you can’t do that, they will ask you to leave. However, I got a very kind message back this morning saying they missed me and want me to continue to participate as much as I am able and they thanked me for being honest. It appears to have gone well. I wouldn’t describe them as catty, but the steering team is cliqueish. But the group has dwindled this year and the leaders will age out next year. I think they have been so devoted to this group and their anxiety over the group dissolving after they leave is getting to them. I am just not a good fit at this season of my life.

 

[Marysann]

Mammamaree, don’t feel badly about backing our of your volunteer position. It is true that volunteering can be a good thing for many SHMs since it gets them a brake from their home responsibilities, but when I was in that time of my life, I didn’t want to be in the position of having to run a program or organization. That is what I am doing now that my children are grown. I am helped in my children’s organization by mothers of young children, but I know how busy they are. I tell them that I am paying back all of the people who made activities possible for my children back in the day. If you enjoy volunteering just do what you can now, and later when your family responsibilities had decreased you can always do more.

 

[mommamaree]

It may be surprising, but sometimes volunteering is a good outlet for a SAHM. It offers adult interaction and accomplishments that do not need to be done all over again tomorrow. Low-stress is the ticket, though, you’re right.

I found that helping out with cleaning church was a good thing…just push around a vacuum or straighten up the pews and spend time with some very down-to-earth fellow parishioners. No big projects, just clean for an hour or so. Sometimes we’d have coffee afterwards, and the group was big enough to be flexible about those who couldn’t come every time. It was just the thing. (I used to love helping my mom clean church with the ladies, so it also had that going for it.)

Yes, I volunteered for several reasons.
1- I like spending time with several of the women on the steering team.
2- the request to volunteer for the position was delivered by a tearful mama who was exhausted and stressed by some personal trials, and they had already lost several steering team members (friends of mine)
3- I need regular adult interaction outside the home each week to balance all the work I do for my family. However, the reality is I already have a weekly night out to meet friends for coffee or wine and/or go to Adoration or run personal errands. I don’t need additional things taking me away from my family right now, and I didn’t know those things would be expected until after I volunteered.
I still have some volunteer activities that I will participate in, just no position of leadership.

 

[EasterJoy]

…the request to volunteer for the position was delivered by a tearful mama who was exhausted and stressed by some personal trials, and they had already lost several steering team members (friends of mine)…

A red flag, when viewed in retrospect. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. In future, take positions that fit you, not positions offered by a group frantic to find a warm compliant body to take the place of the cannon fodder they already destroyed. This is especially true since you know and respect your predecessors. If it was too much for the reliable people who used to do it…hmmm, what’s up with that? Most people I know had to learn that one the hard way, though, including me!! If you learn after this first lesson with no repeats required, you go to the head of the class!

I still have some volunteer activities that I will participate in, just no position of leadership.

Bingo. I also choose positions that a very flexible with regards to time–either that I choose the time or that it is very easy to get a trade or that happen during something I already have on my schedule (like during the Sunday Mass we almost always attend). I do not need more “gotta be here at this time” things hanging over my head.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I think it was really great how you handled it and offered in a positive way to do what you are able to do and your prayers. If it’s meant to be, God will send them a person who’s able to do those more administrative tasks at this particular time.

I’m in my parish quilt guild and I enjoy going, but lately I was having some depression and an uptick in anxiety symptoms. Last week the thought of going to evening quilting and driving back a long way (to me anyway) in the dark when I’d had anxiety about that previously, and was kind of dreading it again, made me think “I need a mental health night” so I took one. Tonight I plan to go; I feel more rested and I will be proactive with my meds if I think I need to and am hoping it will go better.

My point is, we have to judge where we’re at and what we can take at a given time, and tailor our commitments accordingly. God will give us strength in times of extraordinary hardship, when facing big challenges, but it’s also okay to gauge our own level of strength in the everyday stuff and adjust if necessary.