Should I be concerned about my parish's parochial vicar?

[sscott]

His behavior is inappropriate on two levels, he is rude to the adults and too friendly with the children. I think you should report him to the bishop and let him get to the bottom of this. He might already know something you don’t. Don’t worry if your kids can’t confess to him, their safety is your first concern.

 

[thequeen]

Yes–check diocesan policy. He might easily be in violation.

In our diocese he would be in violation.

 

[BaronFanatic]

In our diocese he would be in violation.

I have checked the policies provided on the diocese website- no clergy member is supposed to be alone with minors.

(Side note: how does this work with confession?)

 

[savedbygrace71]

. For instance, someone with a manipulative personality will often be contemptuous and cold and towards those they cannot manipulate, while at the very same time seeming to be nothing but solicitousness and warmth towards those they think they can manipulate. A kind priest will be kind to everyone. A manipulative person will make a great show of good will towards those they hope to prey upon or whom they hope to lull into a false sense of security, but can be very prickly towards those who offer them no opportunity for gain. They can be very jealous towards those who have power over them, since they naturally resent anyone telling them what to do instead of the other way around. Often, they will work to covertly undermine the authority of those who could step in and stop them, too.

All of this summarizes my thoughts as I read your OP. I have worked with and I’m related to several people with narcissistic personality disorder. They flock to people who praise them and instinctively turn from those who would challenge them or appear to be “superior” to them. They can become very, very nasty when faced with criticism. Be prepared with the clear, calm, written thoughts when you speak with the pastor- and keep your children away from not only him but perhaps his current club of young men, too, to protect them from possible fall out. It may, in fact, have nothing to do with sexual abuse, but instead his twisted ego. The mention of his holiness jumped out at me. The need to have the elderly Deacon at his beck and call too. He is not well- I am sadly familiar with this mental illness.
Prayers said.

 

[1ke]

I have checked the policies provided on the diocese website- no clergy member is supposed to be alone with minors.

(Side note: how does this work with confession?)

Well, in the confessional there is a wall between the two.

If it is a reconciliation room, there should be a glass window/door.

 

[Allegra]

I agree that the special attention given to select boys seems inappropriate and I would probably say something. It is highly possible that this is simply an individual that is immature and prefers the company of boys rather than adults. It doesn’t sound like he knows how to interact with adults appropriately.

I once had to deal with a fellow teacher who was like this and I did make a complaint to my boss. Despite the fact that I’m 99% sure that nothing sexual was going to happen, her attention in seeking out “favorites”, offering to visit with them outside of school, giving them candy and toys, and visiting with them alone in her room, was inappropriate and opened the school up to a huge liability.

Like I said, I highly doubt this person was grooming children for sexual reasons. I honestly think that she just didn’t know how to interact with adults appropriately (Like the preist in the OP, she was consistantly rude, bossy, and attention seeking with other adults) and liked to have children as her special friends. That being said, her behavior was inappropriate despite her intentions and that’s why I complained about it to the boss and why I think the OP should say something to his pastor immediately.

 

[Brandall]

While on a confirmation retreat, (this is on video), Fr Bill was quoted as saying that he was a “man of great virtue” and he takes great pride in his personal holiness. i don’t have any proof of any other statements like this on video, but he makes comments like this frequently.

Also there is an elderly deacon at our parish, who cannot walk well. During one mass, Fr Bill was purifying on the altar, when he wished for a page on book to be turned. This apparently is something that the deacons normally do for him, but for whatever reason, this deacon had forgotten and was sitting down. Fr Bill made a large show of stating at the book, then at the deacon, then the book again. It is little occurrences like this that have made the lay people aware that there is tension.

As far as other instances, on the same confirmation retreat, he was allotted a time slot of 30 minutes to talk to the teens. He talked for an hour and a half, causing the rest of the day to be very behind schedule. This retreat follows the same structure every year for the past 10 years.

While all of this may be rather simple misunderstandings, particularly since you don’t seem to have first hand information, it would bother me enough to take it up the food chain.

I really do hope the lines of “he was a “man of great virtue” and he takes great pride in his personal holiness”, were a joke on his part. I feel guilty for feeling like I had a good confession because it shows a lack of humility on my part. I truly hope someone misunderstood what he meant when he said this.

 

[BaronFanatic]

While all of this may be rather simple misunderstandings, particularly since you don’t seem to have first hand information, it would bother me enough to take it up the food chain.

I really do hope the lines of “he was a “man of great virtue” and he takes great pride in his personal holiness”, were a joke on his part. I feel guilty for feeling like I had a good confession because it shows a lack of humility on my part. I truly hope someone misunderstood what he meant when he said this.

I was present for this talk, I was a parental chaperone on the retreat. I assure you his comments were not a joke. He was quite serious.

 

[Chayla]

…All of this summarizes my thoughts as I read your OP. I have worked with and I’m related to several people with narcissistic personality disorder. They flock to people who praise them and instinctively turn from those who would challenge them or appear to be “superior” to them. They can become very, very nasty when faced with criticism. Be prepared with the clear, calm, written thoughts when you speak with the pastor- …

Based on the information provided, and patterns of “Fr Bill’s” behavior described, this apprears to be a spot-on assessment and excellent advice.

…and keep your children away from not only him but perhaps his current club of young men, too, to protect them from possible fall out. It may, in fact, have nothing to do with sexual abuse, but instead his twisted ego. The mention of his holiness jumped out at me. The need to have the elderly Deacon at his beck and call too. He is not well- I am sadly familiar with this mental illness.
Prayers said.

Very likely, the reason “Fr Bill” has his in-group of young people to hang out with is to provide him with hero-worship.

 

[EasterJoy]

Based on the information provided, and patterns of “Fr Bill’s” behavior described, this apprears to be a spot-on assessment and excellent advice.

Very likely, the reason “Fr Bill” has his in-group of young people to hang out with is to provide him with hero-worship.

It is hardly impossible for a sexual predator to also have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Look at the following typical features of a sexual predator, and see how many attributes are also found in narcissists. (Obviously, not every predator will exhibit all of these warning signs.)

*There are some common characteristics of sexual predators…look for these warning signs:

•Refusal to take responsibility for actions and blames others or circumstances for failures
•A sense of entitlement
•Low self-esteem
•Need for power and control
•Lack of empathy
•Inability to form intimate relationships with adults
•History of abuse
•Troubled childhood
•Deviant sexual behavior and attitudes
From the book, Protecting Your Children from Sexual Predators, by Dr. Leigh M. Baker.

Other Tips on Spotting a Sexual Predator:
•Often offend where they won’t get caught — when they have misdirected people’s attention
•Often married or in relationships
•Offend when the victim is handy
•Not always strangers, often family members, family friends and neighbors
•Most attracted to adults
•Good manipulators (seduction is an integral part)
•Overly self-indulgent
•Arrogant
•Sexualize, objectify women
•Users of various kinds of pornography
•Typically known as rationalizers, intellectualizers, justifiers
•Great helpers — are there to lend a helping hand — prey on people in need, when they can insinuate themselves in your life
•Use stressful and vulnerable situations to get in — they find a need they can fill and they use that to get next to the victim

•Pedophiles are notoriously friendly, nice, kind, engaging and likeable.
•Pedophiles target their victims, often insinuating themselves into that child’s life through their family, school, house of worship, sports, and hobbies.
•Pedophiles are professional con artists and are experts at getting children and families to trust them.
•Pedophiles will smile at you, look you right in the eye and make you believe they are trustworthy.
*
drphil.com/articles/article/266

This is what has me the most concerned about this guy: A priest who holds other clergy in low esteem and brags about himself is either self-deceived, deceiving, or both. Always, always be wary as if near a tiger in the grass when you are around someone who lies with ease, without scruple, and with contempt towards the person being deceived–the guy who sucks up to a superior with a big smile and then laughs with derision later about what a schmuck the superior is. That person is capable of daring anything he decides to put his mind to do, and he might put his mind to just about anything. Do not put ANYTHING past him and be especially sure that he will lie to you just as easily as he will lie to anyone else. (Be ready for him to cut off his nose to spite his face, too–stay far away from his radar.)

If the priest is just the same no matter who he is around, that would concern me quite a bit less–I would take a man who truly has no filter on saying what he is thinking before the liar capable of concealing anything any day of the week–but if that were the case he would be a young priest who has refused an awful lot of correction and kept a high view of himself in spite of an awful lot of correction. This is also a big problem in a priest.