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cthulhubryan
Guest
Maggie C;4676602 said:
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Cathhsmom
Guest
We were just talking about something similar on one of my homeschooling lists. I will give you the advice a priest gave me at my 1st confession, Catholic convert, when I was talking to him about my brother’s father. He said that forgiving does not mean forgetting. I had to forgive him to release myself from the destruction of the anger and pain of what he did, but that did not mean that I had to forget what he did. I do not have to ever be around him.
I am saying this because my 1st recommendation to you would be to consult your priest for counseling on the issue. I hope that like my priest, he supports your desire to protect yourself and your family from someone who is unhealthy to be around at best.
You need to remember that your 1st job is to get yourself, your husband, and your children to Heaven. (This is something I tell my kids all the time when they complain about having to do their school work and being a mean task master!
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I know that if I had someone like that in my family, that I would avoid them for my sanity and safety. My kids need a sane mommy and don’t need to be under the stress and conflict that would go on. (I am not one to sit back and be attacked without fighting back.) I would go somewhere else with the kids whenever she came over. Then my dh could spend time with his sis, but I wouldn’t. You could even do it in one of the sickly sweet ways like, “Oh, you guys Never get to spend time together. So, we will just go and do ------- and let you guys be able to have some time together. … No, no, no, I insist. We can’t interfere with your limited time with your brother. Have fun. Bye!”
I am saying this because my 1st recommendation to you would be to consult your priest for counseling on the issue. I hope that like my priest, he supports your desire to protect yourself and your family from someone who is unhealthy to be around at best.
You need to remember that your 1st job is to get yourself, your husband, and your children to Heaven. (This is something I tell my kids all the time when they complain about having to do their school work and being a mean task master!
)I know that if I had someone like that in my family, that I would avoid them for my sanity and safety. My kids need a sane mommy and don’t need to be under the stress and conflict that would go on. (I am not one to sit back and be attacked without fighting back.) I would go somewhere else with the kids whenever she came over. Then my dh could spend time with his sis, but I wouldn’t. You could even do it in one of the sickly sweet ways like, “Oh, you guys Never get to spend time together. So, we will just go and do ------- and let you guys be able to have some time together. … No, no, no, I insist. We can’t interfere with your limited time with your brother. Have fun. Bye!”
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mama2lovebugs
Guest
Rolltide Fan - I am truly sorry for your loss. I too am very close with my only sibling and I would be heartbroken if I were to lose her.
Obviously, you had only the best intentions with your posts; however, I do think that you are making a judgement (re: your uncle and his wife) with only half the story. Please reserve judgment until you know ALL the facts.
I’m sure if you were to talk to my husband’s family they would tell you a very similar story about me. I know how much they have bad mouthed me to the rest of the family, neighbors and basically anyone who will listen really and that REALLY hurts my feelings and gets me down when I think about it. The truth is that they bullied me and after years of just taking I finally stood up for myself and SIL really verbally abused me then in front of my child. MIL blamed me for everything and neither her nor SIL will apologize or try to work it out even though I have apologized for my part and tried to make amends many, many times. This is not what I want but I cannot accept the uncharitable way they choose to treat me. Nor does it help reconciliation to think about what all the “others” think about me because of what my MIL and SIL have told them.
To the OP I would say grin and bear it as much as you can but you do not deserve to be treated badly and if it gets to a point where it is interfering with your self-esteem, marriage, or children you have every right to cut off contact with her until she changes her ways. But always leave the door open. You are not a doormat.
Obviously, you had only the best intentions with your posts; however, I do think that you are making a judgement (re: your uncle and his wife) with only half the story. Please reserve judgment until you know ALL the facts.
I’m sure if you were to talk to my husband’s family they would tell you a very similar story about me. I know how much they have bad mouthed me to the rest of the family, neighbors and basically anyone who will listen really and that REALLY hurts my feelings and gets me down when I think about it. The truth is that they bullied me and after years of just taking I finally stood up for myself and SIL really verbally abused me then in front of my child. MIL blamed me for everything and neither her nor SIL will apologize or try to work it out even though I have apologized for my part and tried to make amends many, many times. This is not what I want but I cannot accept the uncharitable way they choose to treat me. Nor does it help reconciliation to think about what all the “others” think about me because of what my MIL and SIL have told them.
To the OP I would say grin and bear it as much as you can but you do not deserve to be treated badly and if it gets to a point where it is interfering with your self-esteem, marriage, or children you have every right to cut off contact with her until she changes her ways. But always leave the door open. You are not a doormat.
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rolltidefan
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Thank you so much for your post. I don’t think what any of you are getting is that I am not judging this woman. And I have more than half of the story. Obviously, I cannot go into all of it on here as I would be typing for hours to tell it. But I was present when there was even a “family meeting” to get everything straight. Everybody apologized to this lady, even when they should not have been the ones apologizing because they had done nothing. They just wanted the situation to be right. They wanted their brother back and neices and nephews back and grandchildren back. I litterally watched my grandfather beg her to please tell him what he could do to make it better. You all would have to know my grandfather. He died on Thanksgiving and up until the day he died, he NEVER had said a bad word about any of them. He prayed for them until the day he died and even on his death bed, told his son that had not spoken to him in years to never have a regret. So, I have seen the outstretched hand from this side to offer up anything that would make that woman happy. But in the end on that day, you know what she said, it was not, oh lets try to work together…it was, I think I would just as soon go get a gun and kill you all. I feel sorry for the lady actually. As I said earlier and I mean it with full respect, she has a mental disorder. I work in the medical field, there are some people that just have mental disabilities and probably her mind cannot function correctly, which is really even more sad. It has not only been our family that has been broken up, she broke up her own and then even caused trouble and broke up a cousins family. Again, I am sorry that most of you on here see me as judging, because I can tell you that I am probably one of the most unjudgemental people there are. I believe in forgiveness no matter the situation. I agree with what somebody else wrote, we all have to forgive, doesn’t mean we have to have anything to do with them, but we do have to forgive. I either think I am not using my words on here right or you all are misjudging me. Which is probably the first case! lol But again, I think if someone in the family steps up to ask for forgiveness and stretches out that hand to make change and the other does not accept it, then the one that does not accept it has that on their consious then, because they are choosing the other road. That is what I have seen in my family. I am not JUDGING anybody elses family here, just saying what I know has happened in mine. I do completely understand there are people that you cannot be around and have to protect yourself from. I have a grandfather that went to prison for supposed “child molestation”. Do you think I would DARE allow my daughter to be around him alone?? NOPE…However, we have family events at Christmas and etc. where we get together and eat…I am not going to disrespect and tear up my dad because his father is coming to those events. Nor would I ask my dad to not invite him to those things. My children know about him and they stay with me the entire time he is there until he leaves. All I have said here on this particular thread is that if there can be peace, please take that route, because I know we are not promised tomorrow and there will be things you regret when people die and I have been stoned for saying that. I think probably the best thing on this site is to keep your mouth shut when it is controversal subjects because as I said I am apparently not making myself clear here. But again, I do appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut, I think you said it with respect and I appreciate that. God Bless You.
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latinmasslover
Guest
Have you asked your brother why she doesn’t like you?
If she refuses to work things out, cut her off. Jesus tells us to do this, and St. Paul reiterates this. If you can’t avoid her, and she does it again, I personally would put her in her place…but that’s just me…call yourself God’s instument while doing it (without going overboard). Keep praying, but there’s no reason to continue a “relationship” with her.
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Maggie_C
Guest
Thank you for all your good responses. I have to confide that I am very confused by this behavior by my SIL. I know her behavior is crazy but for some reason I think I sould be strong enough to deal with it. I’m pretty sure I am not.
As for my husband, that is the part that wounds me the most… that he won’t confront her about her behavior. Because I know that one word from him would end this. And I think that she knows that he is a bit of a wimp(sorry but it’s true) and that is why she continues. I also think my husband’s avoidance is a bit crazy. I do think as his wife, I should be the defended. I certainly would never allow my siblings or parent or any relatives to be rude to him but then my sibling know that that kind of nastness would never be tolerated. My husband is not going to support me, but I am going to end my visits with his sister and if he wants to call her or send a card to her he’ll have to do it on his own. As for my children they are grown but she as started on my youngest by gossiping to my other SIL that maybe the reason he doesn’t have a girlfriend was because he may be homsexual. My youngest who is chaste is waiting for marriage and has not found a girl who shares his interests and values. So the children are game too in her gossip and attacks. They don’t like her inquiries into their personal lives. They distance themselves already. Please pray for me that I find peace with this situation.
As for my husband, that is the part that wounds me the most… that he won’t confront her about her behavior. Because I know that one word from him would end this. And I think that she knows that he is a bit of a wimp(sorry but it’s true) and that is why she continues. I also think my husband’s avoidance is a bit crazy. I do think as his wife, I should be the defended. I certainly would never allow my siblings or parent or any relatives to be rude to him but then my sibling know that that kind of nastness would never be tolerated. My husband is not going to support me, but I am going to end my visits with his sister and if he wants to call her or send a card to her he’ll have to do it on his own. As for my children they are grown but she as started on my youngest by gossiping to my other SIL that maybe the reason he doesn’t have a girlfriend was because he may be homsexual. My youngest who is chaste is waiting for marriage and has not found a girl who shares his interests and values. So the children are game too in her gossip and attacks. They don’t like her inquiries into their personal lives. They distance themselves already. Please pray for me that I find peace with this situation.
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rolltidefan
Guest
Gosh, I am so sorry. Have you sat down with your husband and told him how you feel about this? And also told him that he could help the situation if he would just talk to her? Not saying she would change, because she may not. Yeah, I think I would be more mad at my husband for allowing it than anything. As far as gossiping goes…that is never going to end as long as people are people. When I was going through my divorce, I was the gossip of the town and yes it made me mad, especially since I was divorcing because of an affair that he was having…anyway, I just come to the point that well as long as they were talking about me, they were giving some other poor soul a break!! lol I think at this point though, I would sit down with my husband and talk to him about how you are feeling. And you may already have, but not commuincating within a marriage is a sure way for it to fail and this could start causing you trouble in your marriage. Again, I hate it for you, don’t know why some people just want to be outright hateful, but that is the world we live in.
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basilisk
Guest
The main problem here is the husband. If he were mine, I would tell him straight out that he is being a bad husband and father by allowing, supporting, and defending his sister’s treatment of his wife and kids.
He is also violating the Biblical statement that a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. She is his number one priority, not his family of origin. So if he considers himself and upright Christian husband and father, he needs a big whack upside the head about how he is not behaving that way.
However, MaggieC, I am sure you are not shocked. You probably knew he was wimpy when you married him. So, since you made the choice to accept that in him, I’m not sure it’s now fair to call him out on it. Perhaps you thought he would outgrow it, or that surely his wife and children would be the one thing he would fight for and defend…
Girls, make sure your guy proves you are number one BEFORE you marry him. It will save you a lot of heartache in the end. My DH had to draw some boundaries for his mother, but he DID IT. He told her in no uncertain terms that if she forced him to choose, he would choose me. Amazing how that makes even the most dedicated meddlers back off!
He is also violating the Biblical statement that a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. She is his number one priority, not his family of origin. So if he considers himself and upright Christian husband and father, he needs a big whack upside the head about how he is not behaving that way.
However, MaggieC, I am sure you are not shocked. You probably knew he was wimpy when you married him. So, since you made the choice to accept that in him, I’m not sure it’s now fair to call him out on it. Perhaps you thought he would outgrow it, or that surely his wife and children would be the one thing he would fight for and defend…
Girls, make sure your guy proves you are number one BEFORE you marry him. It will save you a lot of heartache in the end. My DH had to draw some boundaries for his mother, but he DID IT. He told her in no uncertain terms that if she forced him to choose, he would choose me. Amazing how that makes even the most dedicated meddlers back off!
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rolltidefan
Guest
I read this and I was like amen sister all the way!!! My first marriage, my husband wouldn’t have stood up to his mother for nothing. We had many fights about this and her sticking her nose into our business. It does make you feel second. My second husband, I made SURE that he was not a mamas boy. I have never had to have my second husband stand up for anything for me again his parents, as they are the best inlaws ever and they mind their own business. I cannot say enough how thankful I am for inlaws like this. He doesn’t have any living siblings, as his sister also passed away, which is actually how he and I met, through a support group called TCF for people who had lost kids or siblings. Anyway, I think this poster hit the nail on the head. It is almost amazing to me though at how many parents or family members think they can stick their nose in their ADULT kids business and try rule their home. You woud think you would have enough faith in your parenting skills and to be confident enough that they will make the right decisions. I know I didn’t always do what my parents raised me to do, but it was never far in the back of my mind the way I was supposed to act and I did eventually come back to that. As a parent, I sure wouldn’t want to cause this type trouble for my kids by being a meddling parent. I would also want to ensure that my future DIL or SIL liked me. Not a good way to start out. But yes this husband needs to start putting his wife first. If he didn’t, I don’t know what I wouldn’t tell him to go back to his mom until he could cut the cord. /COLOR]The main problem here is the husband. If he were mine, I would tell him straight out that he is being a bad husband and father by allowing, supporting, and defending his sister’s treatment of his wife and kids.
He is also violating the Biblical statement that a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. She is his number one priority, not his family of origin. So if he considers himself and upright Christian husband and father, he needs a big whack upside the head about how he is not behaving that way.
However, MaggieC, I am sure you are not shocked. You probably knew he was wimpy when you married him. So, since you made the choice to accept that in him, I’m not sure it’s now fair to call him out on it. Perhaps you thought he would outgrow it, or that surely his wife and children would be the one thing he would fight for and defend…
Girls, make sure your guy proves you are number one BEFORE you marry him. It will save you a lot of heartache in the end. My DH had to draw some boundaries for his mother, but he DID IT. He told her in no uncertain terms that if she forced him to choose, he would choose me. Amazing how that makes even the most dedicated meddlers back off!
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