Should I file for divorce or bear my crosses?

[puppylove]

Hello everybody. I’ve been married 4 years, only 3 months in the church and already feel like I"ve made a very big mistake. Shortly before the marriage, we spoke to our priest about getting anullments. The priest explained the process and told us it would take about 1 1/2 years. My spouse didn’t want to wait until the anullments were approved so we got married by the JOP. I told our priest of our decision 4 days before the ceremony and he was very understanding and never once told me that it would be sinful. When our anullments were approved 1.5 years later, I refused to get our marriage convalidated. You see, we have children from previous marriages, a “blended family” from hell (so to speak). The children are our major conflicts, then comes the medaling mother in law, then $. About 8 months ago, I came to terms with all of this when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I turned to God. My faith grew in leaps and bounds. At first my spouse didn’t like it and I also refused marital relations until after the convalidation. I decided that I would put my faith in God and we had our marriage convalidated (just 3 months ago). In past few weeks, things have gotten awful. Both of his children are on drugs, have no job, and are always wanting a hand out, not to mention the “medaling mother in law”. One of the children told me that he wished I was dead. To top that off, this past weekend, my spouse left me at my 20 year class reunion and went home because of being tired and I was nagging. This was simply an excuse to make me out to be the “bad guy”. I simply asked him what was wrong. Sorry for the long post.

 

[Tom]

puppylove:

When our anullments were approved 1.5 years later, I refused to get our marriage convalidated. … and I also refused marital relations until after the convalidation.

Am I reading this right? You chose not to validate your marriage, then refused to have “relations” since your marriage wasn’t validated? If that is the way it happened, that may explain a lot.

puppylove:

My faith grew in leaps and bounds. At first my spouse didn’t like it

Perhaps he was equating your “finding God” with some unusual behavior?
Let me see if I have this straight, your first husband was a drug / alcohol addict? And your second husbands children are also drug / alcohol addicts? Ya think maybe you’re attracted to the wrong type of males? Not trying to be judgmental here, but it seems like it’s becoming a habit itself.
I suggest professional help, not forum help.

 

[Elizabeth_B]

I agree with Tom that you need more help than a forum can provide. Please contact your parish to see if they have a family counselor available or can recommend one. It’s really important that you sort everything out with a prayerful, well-trained counselor.

 

[space_ghost]

i agree with the two prior… we are not trained to advise you, and i suggest you seek professional help in this situatuion… we wish you luck and love and God’s peace…

 

[puppylove]

We’ve been to counseling many many many times. Thanks for nothing. Maybe I am just crazy. You would be too… At least I am raising my daughter better than my marriage. Admin, please close this post.

 

[Ana]

Hey … it’s alright. Let’s see, you’ve gotten closer to God only recently. You had your marriage convalidated three months ago. Two things that infuriate “the enemy”.

Two people from broken marriages. Translate … two people with broken hearts and dreams get together for another try, bringing with them thier own broken wounded children. Lots of pain and hurt flying around. Consequences of sin, our own or others. Even long ago hurts can affect our today attitudes.

This is where counseling can come in handy. But if you have a willingness to accept responsibility, acknowledge your own misery, sinfulness, helplessness, and your hurts and bring them to God. I believe a counselor is not necessary. It’s so darn hard to find a good one anyway.

Pray for a good counselor, and in the meantime leave your husband alone (whining, complaining, trying to get him to see your point etc.) Be as kind to him as grace allows. Complete faithfully your duties and responsibilities, and bring every single hurt and concern to God. Don’t bother your husband with these things, very likely he is too hurt to see clearly, and most likely you are also. But bring your concerns to God who can and will inspire and encourage change. Who can and will heal.

Even if you are praying now, do you give God the freedom to work on your marriage? Or are you constantly taking it back trying to fix things? (Maybe if I talk to him [hubby] this way, maybe if I tell him one more time.) Shhhhhhhhh … stop interrupting the Holy Spirit.

Relax … Trust.

 

[puppylove]

Thanks for the post. Let me explain some things. First of all I refused to have the marriage convalidated when our anullments were approved which was Oct & Nov 2002 for fear of making a huge mistake again. About 8 months ago, things got so bad in our marriage that I turned my life over to a Power greater than myself in hopes that this would restore my life to sanity. There were many days that I wished I was dead. No, not suicide, just wished I was dead. I am not ordinarily a “crazy” person, but things got so bad in my life. I figured it had to better being dead. Around Feb/March 2004 I began seriously reading the Bible and other Church teachings and realized that I might be sinning if I had relations with my spouse prior to having the marriage convalidated and this is when I told my husband that the marriage would have to be convalidated first. I was afraid that if I died I would go to hell. Yes, my first spouse is an alcoholic/druggie and yes my second spouse’s children have drug & alcohol problems, but I didn’t marry my spouse’s children. And yes, Tom, I tend to be attracted to the worst kind of men. Many children of an abusive and/or alcoholic parent(s) marry the exact duplicate. Thats why I divorced my first spouse, because I didn’t want my daughter thinking this was normal. And yes, we’ve been to counseling many many times, but my spouse refuses to pay for it. I want to thank Ana for her words of encouragement. May God always bless you! You are a true angel :angel1:sent by God for me. Thanks…

 

[timbo1980]

I first want to say I am rather suprised at the lack of love the first couple responses conveyed. When someone gets up the courage to post a cry for help, the last thing they need is a brush off and accusations of how they must be bad at picking mates. What does that help! She came here seeking support, love, and Godly suggestions and got none of that from the first couple posts.

Puppylove,
My heart goes out to you. I don’t think you are crazy in the least, just honest. Everyone wishes they were dead sometimes. Its a convenient way of dealing with hard times.
Since I don’t know all the details of the whole situation I can’t offer much detailed advice but the advice I do have is for you to keep in mind that the hurt you are feeling your husband is probably feeling as well.
You both entered into this marriage because you love eachother, and love is a decision so you must have seen good things in eachother. Don’t loose site of those good things.
Another thing I have found is that many times both spouses do things to show they love eachother and the other spouse doesn’t realize for whatever reason. The truth is that we all show and feel loved in different ways. I would reccomend Gary Chapman’s book The five languages of Love .
Like I said not knowing all the details, I may be way off and your problems could stem from something else. But one thing is for sure, showing more love can never hurt.
Keep praying and drawing closer to God. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. If you like I would be open to talking more with you. Sometimes talking about your problems with someone else can really help, sometimes you even answer your own questions. (I don’t have all the answers, just a perspective but we can always seek guidance from the one who does)
God Bless.

-Tim

 

[Poisson]

Normally in difficult marriage situation where there is no abuse I would say to bear your cross. I think it is praiseworthy to hold your cross as long as possible. Your situation has other considerations, you need to protect your children from the influence of his.
If I were in a situation as bad as the one you described I would have to take my kids and live elsewhere and try to work on my marriage frankly expressing my concerns to my spouse and get some marriage counselling.
You need marriage counselling (preferrably Christian) and talk to your priest regularly.
We will all pray for you.

 

[rfk]

In addition to the other messages, I would continue working the steps (which is what I am assuming from the “Power greater than myself” mention), going to meetings, and working with a good sponsor. The one potential pitfall I would warn against is you will get people who will try to convince you that selfishness is the proper course to take.

Instead, I will call attention to your daughter. If you can find a way – and the proper help – to work through your marital issues and build a solid marriage, you will be providing a terrific example to your daughter. She needs to know that people can recover, that marriages can heal, that lives can be rebuilt. She needs to see for herself that it can be done, because words are cheap. Seems like she has known a lot of upheaval and craziness so far. When the path with your husband is difficult and painful, remember that the actions you take now have an impact for generations. Have courage! It is worth the battle! Christ is your Answer!

(P.S. if it ever reaches the stage that you believe your daughter is in danger, either from abuse or from the drug-addicted stepkids, that is when my advice changes. You have to protect her, whatever the cost, even at the cost of married life.)

Feel free to PM if you wish. God be with.

 

[kamz]

puppylove:

Hello everybody. I’ve been married 4 years, only 3 months in the church and already feel like I"ve made a very big mistake. Shortly before the marriage, we spoke to our priest about getting anullments. The priest explained the process and told us it would take about 1 1/2 years. My spouse didn’t want to wait until the anullments were approved so we got married by the JOP. I told our priest of our decision 4 days before the ceremony and he was very understanding and never once told me that it would be sinful. When our anullments were approved 1.5 years later, I refused to get our marriage convalidated. You see, we have children from previous marriages, a “blended family” from hell (so to speak). The children are our major conflicts, then comes the medaling mother in law, then $. About 8 months ago, I came to terms with all of this when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I turned to God. My faith grew in leaps and bounds. At first my spouse didn’t like it and I also refused marital relations until after the convalidation. I decided that I would put my faith in God and we had our marriage convalidated (just 3 months ago). In past few weeks, things have gotten awful. Both of his children are on drugs, have no job, and are always wanting a hand out, not to mention the “medaling mother in law”. One of the children told me that he wished I was dead. To top that off, this past weekend, my spouse left me at my 20 year class reunion and went home because of being tired and I was nagging. This was simply an excuse to make me out to be the “bad guy”. I simply asked him what was wrong. Sorry for the long post.

PuppyLove: First of all, I am so very sorry for what you are going through, I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult and stressful this must be for you, I’m so sorry.
Second, I don’t have any words of wisdom, oh, how I wish I did, my heart hurts for you. Third, from this day forward you are in my prayers and your family, may you know the peace that passes all understanding. I’m sorry I can’t do more for you but I’m going to be praying very hard for you as will alot of people here I bet.
God loves you and don’t you ever forget that!

 

[kmmd]

I didn’t read all of the responses, but I can see myself in your shoes. To you it probably looks like I have it a lot easier and I am sure I do, but it is pretty tough. A priest advised me more than 10 years ago that a divorce might be appropriate. The way he saw it, my choices were to “live alone with him or live alone with out him”. My husbands addiction is work, and his abuse is verbal, but I won’t get into that. I think it is much more important to witness to the FACT that letting God in has improved things tremendously. I am not a very assertive person, but when we had been married 16 years, I insisted that we had to stop contracepting. He went berserk and wouldn’t come near me for about a year. That was 1994.

Things are much better now and I would like to share some of the things that I think that I have learned…our marriage is a sacrament. God wants us women to be witnesses to the world that marriage is for keeps, even when it is awful. God works with us exactly where we are. Maybe he wasn’t the best choice, but then I wasn’t exactly caring too much about what God wanted at that time. Love your husband, pray for him, He needs love most when he is the most unlovable. when mine becomes abusive, I try never to holler back anymore, instead, I pray “Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”…believe me I have spent some tearful nights praying that over and over. You don’t need to handle every thing or have to be able to fix everything. Pray and don’t worry as much as possible. I try to offer my suffering for my past sins.

If there is any thing that I can do to make your burden lighter, I would. But I would urge you to stick it out. All the world will tell you to walk away, but I think you should stick it out. Yeah, I know the part about protecting the children, but what about setting an example of what it means to make a promise and how hard times can be gotten through. I am praying for you.

The rosary, Mass, confession as often as you can. Look for counselling in Adoration…thats where I get mine.

May God bless you and send you some peace.

 

[puppylove]

After reading the first three post, I was ashamed and angry. I was very hurt by the innuendos made by Tom. You see I was married to an alco/drug addict and choose to end that marriage. Now I married to a man with children that have similar problems. My thinking was that I was in a marriage that was just as bad as the first, just different players. I think my faith was being tested. Then came posters:angel1: such as Ana, Timbo1980, Poisson, rfk, kamz and kmmd. I was reassured that there is a kind, loving and forgiving God. To Timbo1980: I had been advised by our counselor to read the book, The 5 Love Languages. I started reading the book around February, but put it down and haven’t finished reading. I’ll pick that back up now. Thanks. To Poisson: Neither of my step-children are living in my home at this time.:nope: Thanks for the advice. To RFK: I sent you a private message about working that step. I really appreciate your kind words; To KAMZ: As always, thanks for your loving support and prayers:clapping: ; and KMMD: Thanks for your wonderful advice on staying in the marriage. And most of all, thank you God :bowdown2: for sending me people with such strength and conviction to give me words of encouragement that I needed at such a low time in my life.

 

[Andyz]

No. You should not file for a divorce. Pray more. Mericals happen. Keep saying the Rosary. Pray to the Blessed Mother, St. Jude and Saint Philomena, a Saint of the impossible . Become a member at the Shrine of The Meriaclous Medal. www.amm.org. and look at the favors recieved. You will see that there is hope. Do not give up. Keep your faith. Keep praying.

Andyz

 

[kmmd]

Puppylove,
I have been thinking about you and praying for you and with your permission, I would like to add a couple of thoughts that help me when times are tough:

This is the man that God chose for me to love. God knew how far away from Him I was at the time, but He still loved me, so He chose the man that would most help me to get to heaven. God knows best. We have to trust Him and hope.

Our proper home is in heaven and not on earth. We are strangers in a strange land. We can have relationships with those who have gone before us. Reading the lives of the Saints and in prayer, we know we are not alone.

I like to think of myself as a missionary of Gods love. A little bit like Mother Teresa or Francis Xavier, we live in a pagan land. The people here are not physically hungry but spiritually they are starving. God needs us to bring His love to them. (Just think: every time you receive Jesus in the Eucharist you become a living tabernacle to bring his presence home to your family)

Remember that God’s Will for you is fulfill your state in life, right now where you are the most mundane or awful things you have to do (like maybe cleaning up somebody’s puke when they throw up), do it for Jesus. Mother Teresa and Theresa of Liseaux(sp?) both preached the message of small things done with great love.

There are lots of people praying for you. May God bless you and your crazy, mixed up family.

 

[chimakuni]

Puppylove - I recommend that you read the book, Boundaries. You will learn to recognize how to set them re:your adult step children and your husband as well as your children.

I believe that the most difficult part of your life right now is that you have been sacramentally married for three months and you are looking around and seeing that even with the sacrament of marriage, life is ROUGH!

Marriage is not always easy. Our first six years of marriage were pure hell. Then things got a bit easier, then rough again, and now they are going through a relatively easy spot. We have been married for eighteen years.

I choose to stay married. There are days when I want to quit - days when I think “I deserve better than this” and then I realize that I am contributing to the problem…(on days when I am real honest with myself) and I try to change ME.

To look within one’s self and see that we are not the perfect person that we have in our minds is not easy! I know!

One day when I was having a real hard time with my marriage, someone told me “God loves John, too”. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I have always preached that God loves everyone to our children and here I was treating my husband as though he was not one of God’s children.

Patience, love, understanding…give these gifts to yourself, Puppylove, and prayerfully, your marriage will be able to get itself righted again.

Please also talk to your priest and go to confession. The best thing I did this past New Years was to confess all my anger, my resentment and my part in our bad marriage. It was humbling and freeing. Mind you, there are still rough moments, but it is getting better!

Praying for you and your marriage. God Bless you -