Should I go?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Mockingjay
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maryjk said:
It really depends on the family. And from the sound of it, going could very well be a problem.
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So we called to avoid the cross? Is that the newest interpretation of the Holy Gospels to which we are called to adhere?
 
R_C said:
So we called to avoid the cross? Is that the newest interpretation of the Holy Gospels to which we are called to adhere?
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Maybe your family is wonderful.

But some people have families that have mentally or physically abused them. When that is the case, separation is the best option.

We are called to forgive those people, but we are not called to be abused again.

Do you really think that we should send beaten wives back to their abusive husbands because they need to carry their cross?? Or is it just the children that need to go back??
 
I can’t quote from my mobile, but what I meant by just attending the mass and staying away from others-is that if it were not an issue of conflict for you you would not have posted, and I mean this in the kindest way. My father in law recently passed and he was similar to your dad. We went, left the kids home as he wanted no part of them during his lifetime. and did this because we did not want to live with the regret or guilt of not doing the things Jesus taught us. It cleared our conscience, and made us stonger and were blessed by our actions.

This is what worked for us.
 
Please bear in mind that there is another substantial consideration in all of this. I am sure there will be other relatives attending, who have no involvement in any of this, never wanted involvement, and would just be going to pay their last respects. I have to think of them too. How would it be if Family Member A and B were to act out their threats of violence in front of them, at this funeral? I have to take this threat into consideration as well. It is one of several factors that I have had to think about. I don’t want to be the cause of a scene at my father’s funeral. I don’t plan to start trouble. If I were to go I would avoid those family members entirely… but would they avoid me? It’s something that worries me a lot.

My sadness over my father’s absence in my life and the things that he most likely will never ask forgiveness for is another factor but as I said before it’s complex. I wish it wasn’t. Do I go to this and ruin the funeral for others just by being there? I mean, yes if I am minding my own business and Family Member A comes over and punches me out… yeah they are in the wrong but the result is the same, it’ll create the worst possible situation you can think of for others. I don’t want my father’s funeral to be remembered as a brawl. I have a lot on my mind when it comes to this situation.

I wasn’t kidding when I said they threatened me with violence, in fact I think they are just waiting for the opportunity and with at least one of them I am certain they will try to own the situation at my father’s funeral in some kind of bad way. Anything could happen. I live far enough away from them to where they cannot threaten me where I live, but if I were to go to where my father will be then they can threaten and I would have no way to stop them, even with my spouse there.
 
Perhaps the cross I have to bear in this is to decide to not go, for the sake of the other people who will be there. I don’t like to think of it like this. But I also don’t like to think of what could happen if I do go and things get out of control. This is so hard. Please pray for me to find some way to get through this.
 
Mockingjay said:
**I wasn’t kidding when I said they threatened me with violence, in fact I think they are just waiting for the opportunity and with at least one of them I am certain they will try to own the situation at my father’s funeral in some kind of bad way. **Anything could happen. I live far enough away from them to where they cannot threaten me where I live, but if I were to go to where my father will be then they can threaten and I would have no way to stop them, even with my spouse there.
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RACJ said:
Sounds as if failing to go would hurt YOU. Go! 🙂 Rob
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And going might cause him actual bodily harm. (Or her, not sure.)

Mockingjay,
I can’t see going to a place where you know you might be placed into harm’s way. What does your spouse think of this?
 
I think we go to funerals to support others. If you were there to hold up your mom or siblings that would be a good thing.

I didn’t go to one of my parents funerals because of major issues, but I did have a Mass offered and went to Mass on the day of the funeral, but here where I live.

I feel I showed the proper respect.
My heart was at peace.
 
To answer questions…

My mom is passed away (she died when I was a child)

One of the family members threatening violence is a sibling

Yes the threat is real and my spouse takes it very seriously and does not want me to go

They live in a different country and things are different there.

And thank you all again, I have a lot to think about.
 
maryjk said:
Maybe your family is wonderful.

But some people have families that have mentally or physically abused them. When that is the case, separation is the best option.

We are called to forgive those people, but we are not called to be abused again.

Do you really think that we should send beaten wives back to their abusive husbands because they need to carry their cross?? Or is it just the children that need to go back??
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Your appreciation on my family is most unwelcome. I do not act on Christ’s gospel based on my past experiences, and I firmly believe nobody should, as it is a universal message preached to all peoples of all ages and all states of life, on which everyone, from the son of saints to the war zone orphan, can live on.

I am giving a personal opinion to be taken for what it is: the opinion of an anonymous forum user. I would not expect him to act based on my word, but I would hope something in my words can lead to a more informed decision.

My understanding was that he asked whether he should go to his father’s funeral despite the fact that in life they did not have a good relationship at all.

Now a series of additional factors are being thrown in the picture: his relationship with other family members, whether this will be a traumatic experience, etc. To this I respond that it seems we are telling the OP he needs to consult a priest and a psychiatrist to decide whether he should attend his father’s funeral and burial. Now perhaps that may be useful, but we are all adults, and to attend a very sad once-in-a-lifetime event does not seem to be equivalent to your very unfortunate statement of “sending beaten wives back to their abusive husbands”. We are talking about a funeral, period.

If his presence will mean the unleash of physical or psychological violence against him, then he can always visit his father’s grave at a later point. What matters most is his act of forgiveness, which is more valuable in Christ’s eyes when it is harder to give - and I am aware of the fact that forgiveness can be and often turns out to be a heroic act of mercy.
 
I do forgive him but for now only in my mind, I have not had the opportunity to forgive him in person, because to this day he denies he did anything wrong and won’t admit to what happened. If a person can forgive the dead, then yes when he is passed away I will still forgive him. Thank you guys again and please don’t argue over this, instead please accept my sincere gratitude for helping me to talk and work this out. God Bless you all.
 
Mockingjay said:
Everyone wants to quote the “Honor Thy Father and Mother” commandment and some in my family use it as a tool to allow, excuse and sweep under the rug behaviors that are wrong. The man has been absent for most of my life and when he was in it, he really caused a lot of problems.

So where is his duty?

This is something that has infuriated me and caused me at times to even consider leaving the Church, because of the people who believe “feelings don’t matter” or “Honor Thy Father… who cares what he did to you… you got a DUTY”.
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You are right to be frustrated about this. Personally, I am disgusted when people talk about duty towards an abusive parent and care not about the suffering of the child. Disgusted. The millstone around the abuser’s neck comes to mind. And that comes from Jesus personally.

I also experienced some pretty bad things from my father and we no longer speak. Duty is thrown at me a lot. It makes me angry. Now I have children and realise that my duty as a parent comes first in terms of responsibility. If I treat my children badly then they will respond accordingly, and I would deserve that. A child is not responsible for abuse. The parent is.

Your reaction towards your father is based on his behaviour towards you when you were a helpless child. It is as simple as that.
 
Mockingjay said:
I do forgive him but for now only in my mind, I have not had the opportunity to forgive him in person, because to this day he denies he did anything wrong and won’t admit to what happened. If a person can forgive the dead, then yes when he is passed away I will still forgive him. Thank you guys again and please don’t argue over this, instead please accept my sincere gratitude for helping me to talk and work this out. God Bless you all.
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You are welcome 🙂

But remember that forgiveness is offered unilaterally - if the other person refuses to repent and accept it, then they have judged themselves.

For it is written:
God showed His love for us this way: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
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There are 2 reasons to attend funerals.
  1. For one’s own closure (not everyone needs this).
  2. To support others in their time of grief. (counterproductive if one’s presence causes controversy)

    I did not list “to honor a dead parent”, because they are gone. They are not there to be honored.
 
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