Should I have reconsidered this a while ago?

[mschocolat]

The year of 2012 in August, my boyfriend finished his job and came back to his home state where I live. Since we met online, we were doing long distance for roughly about 3 months until he came back and we met in person and everything was the way we expected it to be and now it has been over a year now.

As some of you might or might not know, i have a LONG thread about me worrying about his past.
Anyways, him and his ex met on facebook when she one day randomly messaged him. He lived about 3-4 hour drive away from her and since he was tied up with his hectic job, they only got to see each other about twice a month and they mostly talked on fb.
The total length of their relationship lasted for about 1 year and a half but she broke up with him about 2 or 3 times and would come back to him. (he’s not a sort of person who begs someone to stay). Also he heard from his friends that she was dating other guys while he was busy working and cheated on him. He told me, by then his feelings for her were almost fading away anyway and he knew that they were going to break up. Although in the end, she was the one who officially decided to end the relationship via mail, once he found out she cheated, he stopped talking to her (he never stated that ‘hey we are breaking up’, he just kinda stopped talking to her) but she would message him again.
He told me he was way over her even before they officially broke up via mail (happened while he was overseas for about 6 months) and he did not take it by surprise at all.

The thing is, back in april this year, his ex tried to add me on facebook and she was basically trying to feed me off false info, messaging me.
How he kept messaging her, how he used her etc, how he contacted her before he left to meet up and say goodbye.

I found from my boyfriend that she was the first one to message, (he never initiated anything) constantly messaging him on facebook couple of times after the break up telling him about her mental issues and how she’s seeing a doctor.

He told me him contacting her in Cali was in fact true but he only did it as a curtesy, no feelings involved whatsoever. He just messaged her very casually saying ‘hey, i’m leaving , wanna say goodbye?’ and she said no, so he just went ‘well that’s cool, bye’.
And this was bothering me for a while since i found out that it was true whether he was just trying to be nice.
He told me that he was completely over his ex but he contacted her out of the blue(after breaking up and only probably couple of messages from her, not even seeing her when he got back from overseas until he left for home which is over the span of roughly about 3 months) before he left just to say goodbye?
Maybe it’s just me but I find this very hard to comprehend still. Why would you want to say goodbye to your ex who cheated on you, who you had no feelings for?
I was just so hurt that he never told me about it and having to find out through his ex was even more shocking and hurtful although he told me it was such an uneventful thing to even remember that he’s actually forgotten about the whole thing until I mentioned it.

Also, couple of weeks before I found out about this whole thing, I was just incredibly feeling insecure about the relationship that I had to constantly ask him if the ex has messaged him and he said never. He later told me, he just wanted to get rid of her by himself, not involving me, and telling me that she had will make me more insecure and he was scared that i would leave him. Apparently, i’ve told him that I’m going to break up if I found out(I actually do not remember saying it funnily enough)

 

[Della]

If it were me, I’d move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[mschocolat]

I just might add, this was my previous post…

About getting over my boyfriend’s past sexual sin and past in general
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=824846

I’m glad to say that it is getting better but just wanted to throw it out there, what happened in April this year most likely contributed A LOT to how I feel about his past at the moment.

Other than that, I have nothing bad to say about him(no trust issues, faith issues, commitment issues, loyalty issues etc… you name it, just mostly, “I don’t like celebrating everyone’s birthday let alone mine” that makes me feel disappointed but at least he does it for his family and me…haha)

 

[Della]

If two people are suited to each other they should both know it. If you’re not sure then move on. If he really cares he’ll pursue you and leave all other attachments behind. If he doesn’t then you have lost nothing since being with the wrong person for life is no joke.

 

[mschocolat]

If two people are suited to each other they should both know it. If you’re not sure then move on. If he really cares he’ll pursue you and leave all other attachments behind. If he doesn’t then you have lost nothing since being with the wrong person for life is no joke.

Oh yes, we both know that so well. If we didn’t get along in the first place, we would have never even come this far. I’m his first love and he’s also my first. I’m not exaggerating this, he’s getting more and more serious and attached than when we first met and since the first time he said he love me which was around this time last year, and that was actually holding back those three words for a month or two because he thought he would scare me and not believe him

 

[1ke]

I’m sorry, messaging and breeaking up on Facebook? "friending and gossiping to the new girlfriend? Being long distance facebook boyfriend/girlfirend?

That is 12 year old stuff. How old are the people involved here? Sounds like high school.

 

[Kelfa28]

The maturity level in this relationship…from both of you…is around the high school level in my opinion.

All of this is overly complicated and nonsensical.

Both of you need to do some growing up before taking on a serious relationship.

All of this shouldn’t be an issue. Talk to him and tell him this is not acceptable. His immediate answer should be “okay, I’m sorry” and the behavior stopped.

If he has an excuse or refuses to stop contacting his ex…then you break up with him. If this is something you can’t handle at all, even now…don’t wait. Break off the relationship.

My husband had a difficult relationship with an ex-girlfriend before he met me. In fact…it sounds somewhat similar to your boyfriend’s past relationship with this girl.

The big difference? He cut all contact with her immediately after they broke up…no excuses. He saw her exactly once…just after we started dating. It was because he went to his last drill weekend in the unit he met her in before his contract expired in the Army and he moved over to the Air Force.
He told me this in advance. He was cordial with her and made no plans to keep in touch for any reason.

That was almost 6 years ago.

If he was pulling this nonsense with me I’d break up with him. I didn’t want to put up with petty high school nonsense. I had better things to do.

 

[Catholic1954]

It sounds like you spend too much time thinking about your boyfriend’s past, and not enough time thinking about a future together. If you are not 100% convinced by now that he is The One for you, no matter what he did before he met you, or silly facebook responses to a girl he no longer has any feeling for, then it is time to learn from this relationship and move on to the next.

 

[chevalier]

Am I correct in thinking that all he sent her was a courtesy message?

 

[on_the_hill]

Forget it. If you try to stay with this guy you’ll get what you deserve: a guy who won’t commit to either your relationship or to ending his last relationship. Guys who “break up” don’t get back together with their exes just to be friendly, unless they want to see if she’s still an option. This guy is playing both of you.
Like I said, if you try to hold onto him you’ll get what you deserve: a cheater who has your blessing to keep cheating.

 

[mschocolat]

Okay, let me clarify a few things.

I’m 24 and he’s 23. Not that age determines one’s maturity level, we know what we are doing and we know what’s to come, we know what’s right/wrong.

He was approximately between the age 21 and 22 when he was involved with ex.
He’s changed from a young boy to a young man from experience he had.
We are both at learning stage however it doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s involved to make any relationship right and the way it should be.

She was the one to find him and message him on facebook and that’s how they started going out in the first place. Because they lived couple of hours apart as well as his commitment, he only got to see her roughly twice a month, facebook private messaging was the main means of communication.
However, we met on online dating website.

I never said he chased after her and i clearly said (and he clearly told me from the very beginning, he never mentioned her or made me feel threatened of his past) everything was way over even before we met.

While he was overseas, SHE wrote him an email saying that she wants to be alone.

While he never contacted her since then(except that one time he was leaving), she messaged him and sent him emails every now and then which I found out from her.
There was(and still is) no way of talking to her or even meeting her face to face because we live in two different states, far far away. She was the one to stalk me and find me on facebook through his profile and started feeding me info. I never did anything to cause this conversation.

If it’s of anyone’s interest, he told me she started developing various mental problems towards the end of relationship and she had started going to hospitals and getting treated.
(She made a fake facebook profile to stalk him and his friends before)
After I blocked her on facebook, she did exactly the same to me by posing herself as a her fake boyfriend.

As soon as this happened, my boyfriend blocked her straight away. I asked him why he didn’t do that in the first place, and he says he had no idea, he’s never blocked anyone before that it hadn’t even come to his mind.

As I said, it was his way of being nice, as human does to another human, as a courtesy.
At the same time, I’m just asking if this is something i just need to move on from and take it lightly.

 

[mschocolat]

Am I correct in thinking that all he sent her was a courtesy message?

Yes correct, according to him .

 

[mschocolat]

It sounds like you spend too much time thinking about your boyfriend’s past, and not enough time thinking about a future together. If you are not 100% convinced by now that he is The One for you, no matter what he did before he met you, or silly facebook responses to a girl he no longer has any feeling for, then it is time to learn from this relationship and move on to the next.

It’s not that simple to move on from one person you have invested a lot of feelings in and in love you know

 

[mschocolat]

The maturity level in this relationship…from both of you…is around the high school level in my opinion.

All of this is overly complicated and nonsensical.

Both of you need to do some growing up before taking on a serious relationship.

All of this shouldn’t be an issue. Talk to him and tell him this is not acceptable. His immediate answer should be “okay, I’m sorry” and the behavior stopped.

If he has an excuse or refuses to stop contacting his ex…then you break up with him. If this is something you can’t handle at all, even now…don’t wait. Break off the relationship.

My husband had a difficult relationship with an ex-girlfriend before he met me. In fact…it sounds somewhat similar to your boyfriend’s past relationship with this girl.

The big difference? He cut all contact with her immediately after they broke up…no excuses. He saw her exactly once…just after we started dating. It was because he went to his last drill weekend in the unit he met her in before his contract expired in the Army and he moved over to the Air Force.
He told me this in advance. He was cordial with her and made no plans to keep in touch for any reason.

That was almost 6 years ago.

If he was pulling this nonsense with me I’d break up with him. I didn’t want to put up with petty high school nonsense. I had better things to do.

Of course, everything stopped once it happened because i was and i am more important to him than what had happened and he knew how to deal with the situation.
He was extremely sorry and all he could do was just repeat himself, he did not want this to happen, he’s truly for sorry for what happened, he promised it will never happen again(and it hasn’t)

 

[Xantippe]

mschocolat said:

“If it’s of anyone’s interest, he told me she started developing various mental problems towards the end of relationship and she had started going to hospitals and getting treated.
(She made a fake facebook profile to stalk him and his friends before)
After I blocked her on facebook, she did exactly the same to me by posing herself as a her fake boyfriend.”

Normally, the “my ex-girlfriend is CRAZY, don’t believe anything she says” card needs to be treated with a lot of suspicion, as it is one way for a guy to date multiple women and get away with it. However, her (if it is her) producing a fake boyfriend to post as really does suggest that your boyfriend is telling you the truth.

Have you asked to see his message history (texts and FB)? Obviously, ask to see it on the spot, so that there will be no opportunity to clean it up for you. I think a little bit of relationship overlap with you is not that big of a deal (end of relationship with her/beginning with you), but hopefully, he’s been clean for the past year. If there is any substantial overlap, I think you need to move on.

Have you had a chance to meet your boyfriend’s family and friends?

 

[chevalier]

Okay, let me clarify a few things.

I’m 24 and he’s 23. Not that age determines one’s maturity level, we know what we are doing and we know what’s to come, we know what’s right/wrong.

He was approximately between the age 21 and 22 when he was involved with ex.
He’s changed from a young boy to a young man from experience he had.
We are both at learning stage however it doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s involved to make any relationship right and the way it should be.

She was the one to find him and message him on facebook and that’s how they started going out in the first place. Because they lived couple of hours apart as well as his commitment, he only got to see her roughly twice a month, facebook private messaging was the main means of communication.
However, we met on online dating website.

I never said he chased after her and i clearly said (and he clearly told me from the very beginning, he never mentioned her or made me feel threatened of his past) everything was way over even before we met.

While he was overseas, SHE wrote him an email saying that she wants to be alone.

While he never contacted her since then(except that one time he was leaving), she messaged him and sent him emails every now and then which I found out from her.
There was(and still is) no way of talking to her or even meeting her face to face because we live in two different states, far far away. She was the one to stalk me and find me on facebook through his profile and started feeding me info. I never did anything to cause this conversation.

If it’s of anyone’s interest, he told me she started developing various mental problems towards the end of relationship and she had started going to hospitals and getting treated.
(She made a fake facebook profile to stalk him and his friends before)
After I blocked her on facebook, she did exactly the same to me by posing herself as a her fake boyfriend.

As soon as this happened, my boyfriend blocked her straight away. I asked him why he didn’t do that in the first place, and he says he had no idea, he’s never blocked anyone before that it hadn’t even come to his mind.

As I said, it was his way of being nice, as human does to another human, as a courtesy.
At the same time, I’m just asking if this is something i just need to move on from and take it lightly.

The only alarming thing I see in that set of facts is the fact your boyfriend started developing those mental problems. I’m not being ‘problemphobic’ here, it’s just that mental problems are difficult to deal with in romantic partners.

Yes correct, according to him .

Any good reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt?

 

[mschocolat]

mschocolat said:

“If it’s of anyone’s interest, he told me she started developing various mental problems towards the end of relationship and she had started going to hospitals and getting treated.
(She made a fake facebook profile to stalk him and his friends before)
After I blocked her on facebook, she did exactly the same to me by posing herself as a her fake boyfriend.”

Normally, the “my ex-girlfriend is CRAZY, don’t believe anything she says” card needs to be treated with a lot of suspicion, as it is one way for a guy to date multiple women and get away with it. However, her (if it is her) producing a fake boyfriend to post as really does suggest that your boyfriend is telling you the truth.

Have you asked to see his message history (texts and FB)? Obviously, ask to see it on the spot, so that there will be no opportunity to clean it up for you. I think a little bit of relationship overlap with you is not that big of a deal (end of relationship with her/beginning with you), but hopefully, he’s been clean for the past year. If there is any substantial overlap, I think you need to move on.

Have you had a chance to meet your boyfriend’s family and friends?

In all honesty and proven and me searching for info, yes she did a fake profile, it was beyond obvious, i shared the message with my boyfriend and my friends, they could all tell it was fake without a doubt.
Even the real profile that she used to message me, she uses an image of some teen popstar.
It was also clear that her intention was to break us up by threat messages about how he treated her, used her etc. We’ve been going out for longer than she has been with him, also emotions in our relationship is by far a lot of stable and getting more and more serious.

He actually deleted his old profile and made a new one a coupe of months after we started going out. He’s not much of a facebook user now(he thinks it’s stupid but he only keeps it to keep in contact with his friends from other states and things).
As for emails(even photos) he deleted everything. He’s got nothing to remind him of her because she didn’t give him anything either. There were absolutely no letters, no cards. Since I love doing things in more traditional way rather than electronically, it was first time ever for him to receive a letter or a card from a girlfriend and he loves it.

 

[mschocolat]

The only alarming thing I see in that set of facts is the fact your boyfriend started developing those mental problems. I’m not being ‘problemphobic’ here, it’s just that mental problems are difficult to deal with in romantic partners.

Any good reason not to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Oops, total misunderstanding here. SHE was the one with mental problems

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

It’s not that simple to move on from one person you have invested a lot of feelings in and in love you know

I know, because I invested way, way more time than you did. I ignored the warning signs, and ended up having a miserable marriage and wasting 15 years of my life.

While it may not be simple now, it will be far, far more difficult to move on if you get married and his behavior continues.