Should I remarry someone who puts his kids first?

[step_mom_2_be]

I have been dating a man for seven years, we both have children from previous marriages, I love him deeply. I have always been brought up to believe that your partner always comes first because he is the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life. I believe children are a wonderful blessing and should be nurtured and taken care of so that they can grow up to be independent, educated, and good members of society.

The problem that I have is that my boyfriend does not understand this. He always puts his children first to the point where I get neglected and made to feel like an outsider. (I am not exaggerating.) I want it to be he and I as the parents and the children (all of them, mine and his) to be the children. I want to be able to collaborate with him and make this all work out, but it is not. I strongly believe in the bond of marriage. Yes, I made a mistake the first time and so did he. I want to have the sacrament of marriage with the everlasting love that I was brought to believe in.

He doesn’t feel this way (and he is Catholic) because he is terrified of the court system because of his ex. This has nothing to do with me. I am not looking to do that to him. I just want to love him, grow old with him, and be there for each other, no matter what until the end. My parents were happily married for 57 years; his parents are married, but not happily. Is it right for me to feel this way? Am I wrong to want to be first in his life? Is it wrong for me to want to be married for a second time? Please let me know.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Blending families is difficult under the best of circumstances; and two people recovering from first marriages, one of whom appears to be hyper-romantic about marriage and the other hyper-fearful of marriage, certainly are not facing “the best of circumstances.” I can only recommend that you take a long step back from your marriage plans and re-evaluate whether you really are ready for a second marriage and, even if so, whether this man is himself ready for a second marriage. You may wish to seek more personalized assistance from the Pastoral Solutions Institute, a Catholic counseling apostolate.