Should I speak

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My son is planning to get married in a few months.

He just confessed me that he would just do it because his girlfriend wants to. He said, if it were up to him, he would do it withing the next three years, or might not do it at all. He even said he feels he is being pushed and is not looking forward to the big day. But, he said, he really loves this girl and believes there might be a life for them together.

They are living now in different cities because of my son’s job. I think this is why this girl wants to get married soon. They have been apart for two years by now and still in love and wanting to be together.

I tried to persuade him to postpone the wedding but he said he doesn’t want to risk loosing her because she might not, actually isn’t, willing to keep a long distance relationship for three more years or, even worst, for an indefinite time but he is sure he is not prepared yet.

I know very well the priest who is preparing them for the sacrament. Sometimes I wonder if I should speak to him about this. But, I am very afraid of the consequences.

What if they end up not marrying or even worst, breaking up,and my son reproaches me. On the other hand, what if I do nothing and they marry and break up after because my son was not ready to be married.

Please help.
 
Oh wow I don’t know what I would do. My thoughts are that you should probably just pray for them and not say anything. I’m sure others will have advise for you in this matter.

:signofcross: I say a prayer for you. :signofcross:
 
I know there comes a time when a couple needs people to sign a statement saying they have no knowlege of anything that could stand in the way of the marriage.

Before it gets to that point, in good conscience, you need to go to a good confessor and tell him what you told us. That priest could give you better advice in a better context. I think they like to know this kind of information to better help a couple.

Sometimes a good priest will tell a couple they need to postpone the wedding. It sounds right now that if they married and didn’t make it work, your testimony would then be used to show there was not full and free consent of the will on your son’s part and he lacked due discretion and the marriage wasn’t valid.

Better to deal with that issue before any promises are made.

If her love is so flimsy that she’s not willing to move to be with him, or wait a little longer, what kind of “love” is that? He doesn’t sound ready. He loves her, but if he’s in no fire engine rush to marry her, he’s not ready.

A pressured vow could be an invalid one.

You need to discuss this more with your son and let him know that you are concerned that he is being pressured and ask him if he thinks he may ever regret marrying before he was ready.

Then drop the subject and let the question rattle around in his head at two in the morning and while sitting in traffic.

He may already know his own answer, but is just looking for someone to tell him that if he isn’t looking forward to his own wedding, he shouldn’t be getting married. And a woman who pressures him on this will pressure him on everything else whether he wants to or not.

At the very least, if he cares for her, he should know she deserves a husband who wants to marry her at least as much as she wants to marry him. If he can’t do that, he needs to let someone else make her happy.

You don’t get married because you MIGHT have a future together.
 
Speak with your priest. This is your son you are talking about!!!
 
Your son now stands at what I call a crossroads decision. They come around every so often in life.

He loves this girl and wants to marry her, he sees a future with her. The problem is he doesn’t want to RIGHT NOW. OTOH she’s ready and does not want to endure another 3 years of a LDR.

If he feels like he’s being railroaded then he needs to step back. If he puts this off she could very well balk, and living apart from each drift into another relationship. It has been my experience when a young lady says she wants to get married, better take her seriously, because she’s marrying somebody, even if it ain’t your son.

I recall several relationships where this happened. A couple together 3-4 years ends, and a year after the break up she’s engaged to someone else.

What makes decesions like this so hard is the fact, it couild go either way. He could marry and come out fine, or he could say no and also come out ok. You just don’t know. All he can do is make the best decesion he can given the moment.

I tend to believe, there is only one love in a lfietime. A person may love others, but there will always be the ONE. When that doesn’t workout, you can move on, and love again, but you will never forget him/her and what the relationship meant.

People can meet that person, and the timing not be right. There is NO sadder thing,to end a relationship with someone you still love because the timing is not right. It is easy to leave someone you no longer love, but do it when every fiber in you wants to be with her/him and it is painful beyond belief.

I was in several failed relationships before I met my wife. I knew I was not going to marry any of those girls after a few months. Sometimes I stayed in it longer then I should. They were painful breakups. I forgot all that when I met Debbie, I knew she was THE one.

You know he could go through with this and be miserable, and he could leave her and wind up the same way. Always thinking and second guessing if he did the right thing. Perhaps she is NOT the one, and that girl is still out there somewhere, but he can’t get there in this situation.

Nobody has anyone of knowing. Needless to say, he should put this in God’s hands, pray about it, and He will show him what he needs to do.
 
Friend,

Yikes.

I have to say, honest opinion, coming from a woman (if that matters), I see about 4 zillion red flags waving all over the place in this situation.

Does your son’s fiancee know how he feels? If she knows he’s not wanting to get married and she still wants too I have to question her motives. If she doesn’t know, your son absolutely has a responsibility to tell her honestly how he feels. If he cares about her at all he would not enter a marriage with her under false pretenses. That is not at all a loving thing to do.

It sounds like both of them are acting a little spoiled maybe or just immature, both wanting what they want despite what’s best for the other. It shows a lack a maturity and a lack of understanding of the sacrament of marriage.

Can I ask why your son isn’t ready to get married? Is it because he doesn’t want to give up bachelorhood, or something else? It sounds like he’s not ready to make the kids of sacrifice marriage takes. I have to wonder if this is really the ‘one’ girl, because most men would bend over backwards for the girl they know is the ‘one’. It sounds more like he doesn’t want to loose her as an opportunity, but is overlooking her as a person.

On the other hand,if she is really pressuring him into this knowing he’s not ready, I’d be very, very, very concerned.

Rather than talk to the priest, I think a man to man with your son is in order. :twocents:
 
FF:

I have no advice on what to do with the information you now have.

But I just want to point out that this is the biggest decision in his life so far, and he most likely recognizes its significance. I think it would be pretty normal for him to have some doubts or express some general reservations at some point in the process. I don’t know if that is the case with you son, or if it is something more significant, but I thought I would offer that up in opposition to the other responses so far.

–Rico
 
Thanks everyone for your responses. You had given me very important issues to consider.

I just would like to add that he has some professional goals that he would like to fullfill before getting married. We struggled so much financially as a family when he grew up that he feels he can only offer a financially stable home to his new family when he makes a better income with a master’s degree. She says she will support him in his desicion and that they can “delay” children until he “is ready”.

I hope this adds some more background.

By the way, I’m his mom.
 
The best way to do this, since I would do it myself, would be to go to your priest, let him know in confession what your son has told you in all confidence that your thoughts and words will be kept a secret, ask him for his advise and then see if after confession he’ll be willing to speak about it with you and see what he can say to this young couple…Priests are really good at these things and can decide what will be best for them, besides if they break up it is because GOD intended to be so, but if God wants them to be together then she will respect that decision…If your son and his gf have an open relationship then they need to talk it out…If they have great communication then it’s they whom should be dealing with this but you need to advise your son to speak with her…That’s the only way to do this…Do not interfere in his choices but do ask your priest to help with the situation in advising them on what is the best thing to do…Obviously they will need to postpone the wedding because there is nothing worst than getting into something you really don’t want…I am divorced because I wanted children and my then husband didn’t…🤷 So believe me the best thing to do is speak with your priest!!! AND FAST!!!
 
Friend_forever said:
My son is planning to get married in a few months.

He just confessed me that he would just do it because his girlfriend wants to. He said, if it were up to him, he would do it withing the next three years, or might not do it at all. He even said he feels he is being pushed and is not looking forward to the big day. But, he said, he really loves this girl and believes there might be a life for them together.

They are living now in different cities because of my son’s job. I think this is why this girl wants to get married soon. They have been apart for two years by now and still in love and wanting to be together.

I tried to persuade him to postpone the wedding but he said he doesn’t want to risk loosing her because she might not, actually isn’t, willing to keep a long distance relationship for three more years or, even worst, for an indefinite time but he is sure he is not prepared yet.

I know very well the priest who is preparing them for the sacrament. Sometimes I wonder if I should speak to him about this. But, I am very afraid of the consequences.

What if they end up not marrying or even worst, breaking up,and my son reproaches me. On the other hand, what if I do nothing and they marry and break up after because my son was not ready to be married.

Please help.
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Personally, I think it’s best for you to stay out of this one. Your son came to you, but not necessarily for your advice or intervention - he may have just needed to vent. It’s important to realize that it’s his decision whether he wants to go through with it or not. You can let him know where you stand, but you need to also let him know that you will support him in whatever decision he makes, because he’s old and mature enough to make his own decisions. Honestly, you really do not want to be the mother-in-law who tried to break them up before the wedding. You can suggest to him that he might want to speak to a priest, but I wouldn’t talk to the priest without your son’s knowledge.

Anyway, this is just the advice from the son of another mother. Hope this helps!
 
I think your son needs to talk to his girlfriend and tell her what he told you. They need to work this out together. And you need to stay out of it and support whatever they decide.

Honestly, from what you wrote, I don’t think your son should marry this girl because she deserves to have someone who is wholeheartedly wanting to be her husband NOW, not in 3 yrs. maybe or maybe not. I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry a man with this mindset.

And I’m not saying your son is having sex with this woman, but many times that will cloud the issue and make it harder for the man to commit. The old ‘why buy the cow when the milk is free’ syndrome.
 
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