Should parents give ultimatums?

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yves

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I am a mother of two boys who married my only boyfriend and have no personal experience of modern dating. I am a romantic but also an old-fashioned Catholic. I am worried about our older son.

My son (20) and his girlfriend (19) have shared a very needy, codependant relationship. Neither trusts the other and they have always been either rapturously happy, upset, furious, or extremely agitated with each other. They tend to ignore everyone and everything, including work and school, when they are on a high or low together. They have broken up four times in eight months. Our son has been nervous and moody and not always cooperative at home, the opposite of the way he usually is. Everyone who loves him is worried about the relationship and also unhappy about it. Yet, he insists he loves her and is very happy with her. A few days ago, after they argued and then we argued, I told him that a drastic change would have to occur if he wants our continued support and that after many broken promises neither of them have shown the will or ability to change. I advised him not to break up with her right away as we were all upset, but if things continued the way they were going, he would have to make a choice. He lives at home, all expenses paid. To my concern, he broke up with her that day, but cried that evening. I’m so upset. I don’t want to hurt him. It just seems they are going to hurt each other. They both lost a college semester because of their arguing. But is it for me to dictate my son’s romantic life?

All of our friends and family, including his friends, tell me it was the right thing to do, but does the fact that they are two insecure, immature individuals mean that those of us who control their financial concerns can exercise authority over their feelings? I know I am contradicting myself and that’s why I’m posting. He is normally very sweet and said he cannot choose a girl over family no matter what, but he wished it didn’t have to be this way.

I would be most grateful for some words of wisdom. God bless.
 
Lots of wisdom coming your way from the 22-year-old male who has never been on a date in his life 😃

Sorry if I’m not an expert. I don’t think it is necessarily your right to dictate your son’s romantic life; however I do think that something needs to be done. Your son is involved in a self-afflicting relationship. It looks like the relationship is only getting worst, but neither side will leave the other.

This might seem like a crazy suggestion, but have you considered counseling for your son? Perhaps he and even his girlfriend can go see a “marriage counseler,” even though they are not married. Maybe if they talk it out with a third party, they can clean up their relationship, either by letting go of it or fixing it.
 
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yves:
A few days ago, after they argued and then we argued, I told him that a drastic change would have to occur if he wants our continued support and that after many broken promises neither of them have shown the will or ability to change. I advised him not to break up with her right away as we were all upset, but if things continued the way they were going, he would have to make a choice …but does the fact that they are two insecure, immature individuals mean that those of us who control their financial concerns can exercise authority over their feelings? … He is normally very sweet and said he cannot choose a girl over family no matter what, but he wished it didn’t have to be this way.

I would be most grateful for some words of wisdom. God bless.
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I’ll try for some words of wisdom. My children haven’t yet started to date, so I can’t speak from personal experience as a parent. But simply reading what you wrote, your son’s romantic relationship appears to have a negative impact on him and your family. It seems that negative impact is what you seek to correct, and you’re not simply trying to dictate his emotions. You even wrote that you told him NOT to break up with her right away but he did anyway. I don’t know you, but your post doesn’t sound like you’re trying to dictate, but guide them to a healthier relationship.

First love can be turbulant. I didn’t always choose boyfriends wisely, and then I had learned so much about “unconditional love” through our faith, that I didn’t know how to reconcile breaking up with that. Fortunately, I learned how to choose better before I married.

Several years ago Dr.Laura wrote a book: Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives. I don’t recall all of it, but I remember who they date and marry played a big part of it. And I remember she warned men about being “knights in shining armour” who always find “damsels in distress”, because that was a common problem for nice guys. Maybe that fits your son’s situation, or maybe not. But the book might offer some wisdom to share with your son. And I haven’t read ABC’s of Choosing a Wife by Steven Wood, but I understand that book is written from a Catholic perspective and it may also offer some help.

And the greatest wisdom I can offer is the suggestion to pray for both your son and this girl. Ask God to help them and you know His will.
 
Your son may be 20 years old, but he lives at home with your family and is fully dependent upon you for his financial stability.

Any “child” who is an adult age and living at his parents’ home needs to abide by their reasonable rules. If he is so consumed with this relationship that he misses work, argues with his family and even flunked an entire college semester over the situation with this girl, then…WHAT ELSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY DO!?!

If he is interested in pursuing this “very happy” relationship, then he needs to move out, pay his own living expenses, be accountable for work and pay his own tuition. Otherwise, you and your family suffer the negative consequances for his “relationship.”

I think you were absolutely right to set this limit. I am only 25 years old, by the way. It wasn’t so long ago that I was in the midst of turbulent dating. 😉 But I grew up, found a wonderful man, married him and have been married for two years. My parents did not baby me and allow me to mooch off of them and nor did I have relationships at their expense. The real world is not the fantasy that some kids live during college and come to think that being an “adult” is pretty easy.

If you want to continue helping your son, find some good Catholic books that speak to the true meaning of marriage and relationships.
 
Originally Quoted by Princess Abby:

If you want to continue helping your son, find some good Catholic books that speak to the true meaning of marriage and relationships.
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Although I have not yet read the work, there is a good book written by the late Pope Pius XII called Dear Newlyweds. You might want to see if you can check this work out of the library or even buy it. Then again, the book may not be applicable to today’s world, since it was written about fifty years ago and likely was written with a traditional Catholic mindset.

However, If it’s by a pope of the 20th century, it can’t be that bad 🙂
 
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yves:
They have broken up four times in eight months. Our son has been nervous and moody and not always cooperative at home, the opposite of the way he usually is. Everyone who loves him is worried about the relationship and also unhappy about it. Yet, he insists he loves her and is very happy with her.
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Four times in eight months??? What is going on here? It does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. It is rediculous to push everything aside for that relationship, and if they really loved each other, then they would realize that they need to succeed and be mature about life in general if they want to be together. It sounds a lot like some of my friends in high school. It never ended up working out.

So, my message to him would be this:
He needs to look at himself and realize that he should not have to act differently because he is in a relationship. His girlfriend should complement him, not bring him down and cause odd behaviors. I would also ask him if he could see himself going through that for the rest of his life, because that is exactly what would happen if they got married. There would be no way out. So, if he isn’t satisfied with the relationship (and it doesn’t sound like he is, considering the number of breakups there have been), then he needs to end it. Yes, it will be painful, but it is unhealthy for both of them.

That said, he is an adult and can make his own relationship decisions. But, if he is going to act that way, then you may have to tell him that if he continues to make decisions that are hurting your family, then he will have to stand on his own two legs and move out. Ultimatums can be effective (my parents have done it to me before).

Hope it helps. I’m sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

Eamon
 
You’re dealing with an adult, so its a little trickier. If he was 16, I’d say you could make the decision for him, but you can’t really tell him what to do now.

I emphasized really. You can’t control his life, but you can set boundaries on what you tolerate in your home. If he lived on his own, his decisions would be mostly his business. But when his decisions causes turmoil under your roof, I think setting boundaries (less threatening than ultimatums) is very appropriate.

Exactly what boundaries to set depends a lot on how your son is, and how this is disrupting your home.

Hope this helps.
 
Thank each one of you for your help and advice. I will probably show him this thread in the end and I will certainly look up those books. You have made me feel better and given me some good, solid ideas.

May Christ’s peace protect you always.
 
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