Should spouses "bare their souls" to one another?

[The_Rigbys]

This has been mentioned in a couple of threads, and I’d like to bring it up for discussion.

In a good Catholic marriage, would it be ideal for husband and wife to “bare their souls” to each other? I.e., to be completely open, sharing all their innermost thoughts, feelings, and spiritual experiences?

Or should some things deliberately be kept private, between oneself, God, and one’s confessor or spiritual director?

How did you come to this opinion?

(I’d be especially interested in evidence from the lives of married saints, or advice from any devout Catholics who’ve been married for a long time. )

Thanks!

 

[Catholic_Cadet]

Or should some things deliberately be kept private, between oneself, God, and one’s confessor or spiritual director?

Yes.

 

[carrieloon]

My vote is definitely keep some things private. I really have no desire to know everything there is to know about my husband. A little mystery is fine with me!

On the other hand, I wouldn’t want him keeping any secrets from me that are detrimental to the marriage (for instance, if he had become addicted to prescription drugs).
In other words, I want him to feel that he CAN come to me, not that he has to.
I believe we both act this way towards each other now.

Are there really couples out there who share EVERYTHING??

 

[JimG]

The should be completely open. But they should confess their sins to a priest, not to each other.

A friend told me about a guy he knew who had a brief extramarital affair, a one night stand, so to speak. Afterwards, he was entirely guilt-ridden and remorseful, wishing it had never happened. He was, in Catholic terms, repentant. When he told this to my friend, he said he wanted to confess to his wife, ask forgiveness, and start with a clean slate.

My friend strongly urged him against it. It was done, he was repentant, he loved his wife, he was committed to never repeating the mistake. Confessing to his wife at this point could only make things worse, my friend told him.

But he disregarded that advice, and confessed this sin to his wife. She was devastated, and could never trust him again. The marriage ended in divorce.

It seems to me that he confessed because he wanted to make himself feel better, relieve himself of the burden of guilt, at the expense of his wife and his marriage. Had he been Catholic (which he was not) he could have gone to sacramental confession. Certainly the confession to his wife in this case did not help anything.

Of course, if their was possibility of transmitting any disease to his wife, the answer would have to be different, as he has a responsibility to protect her. But too often, we simply unburden our sins on others who should not have to carry that burden.

JimG

 

[kaj3]

My husband and I share everything. There are areas wherein he is strong while I am weak, and he helps me with those and vice versa.

We also have some of the same weaknesses and being able to hold each other accountable helps us in our walk with Christ. As a married couple, we are called to help each other get to Heaven. To me, one of the things that entails is knowing the worst about your spouse and helping him or her overcome that sin or attachment.

 

[Detroit_Sue]

If “baring your soul” only hurts your spouse and brings nothing to the marriage, I agree it should be left unsaid. Echoing the senitments above, sins must be absolved in the Sacrament of Confession. I too, have seen first-hand what brutal honesty can do to a marriage. My own brother lost his wife, and family because he feels compelled to blurt out the “truth.”

 

[kaj3]

Maybe I’m confused about the original question. I don’t think that spouses need to “confess” their sins to one another the way that they would to a priest, but I do think each spouse has a responsibility to be honest – not only with themselves, but with one another. You can be dishonest by omission.

For instance, adultery was given as an example. If one spouse commits adultery, that is indicative of other problems in the marriage. It could be argued that if they were communicating and being open with one another, the extra-marital affair may not have even happened.
It would seem to me that deep, honest communication is key to a healthy marriage. Maybe I’m missing the gist of the question, though.

 

[The_Rigbys]

JimG:

The should be completely open.

I don’t see how this statement is compatible with the rest of your post. After all, if spouses aren’t open with each another about something as big as having an affair, then they’re certainly not being “completely open.”

Not that I disagree with your friend’s advice - quite the opposite. I don’t think the man in question should have told his wife about the affair. What’s more, I think there are other, more everyday things we should sometimes refrain from “sharing,” in the name of prudence or charity. For instance: certain temptations, lustful or angry thoughts, or minor dissatisfactions with one’s spouse’s habits.

I have to say, I’m surprised that so many people are voting for “soul-baring.” Maybe we’re starting from fundamentally different perspectives regarding the purposes of communication in marriage?

 

[The_Rigbys]

kaj3:

Maybe I’m confused about the original question. I don’t think that spouses need to “confess” their sins to one another the way that they would to a priest, but I do think each spouse has a responsibility to be honest – not only with themselves, but with one another. You can be dishonest by omission.

For instance, adultery was given as an example. If one spouse commits adultery, that is indicative of other problems in the marriage. It could be argued that if they were communicating and being open with one another, the extra-marital affair may not have even happened.
It would seem to me that deep, honest communication is key to a healthy marriage. Maybe I’m missing the gist of the question, though.

I think we agree that good communication is an important part of a healthy marriage. But does “good communication” mean telling each other everything? Or does it sometimes mean holding certain things back? “Things” could be anything from admitting an affair, to telling your husband that the way he chews his food is annoying you. Basically, any situation where one believes that honesty could be destructive, rather than constructive, to one’s relationship.

I’m inclined to think that the only way to justify “telling all” would be to consider honesty as an overriding good, above all the other virtues. This seems to me to be a modern attitude. Still, if anyone would like to take a stab at defending it from Catholic tradition, I’d be interested in hearing from you.

 

[SteveG]

The Rigbys:

I think we agree that good communication is an important part of a healthy marriage. But does “good communication” mean telling each other everything? Or does it sometimes mean holding certain things back? “Things” could be anything from admitting an affair, to telling your husband that the way he chews his food is annoying you. Basically, any situation where one believes that honesty could be destructive, rather than constructive, to one’s relationship.

I’m inclined to think that the only way to justify “telling all” would be to consider honesty as an overriding good, above all the other virtues. This seems to me to be a modern attitude. Still, if anyone would like to take a stab at defending it from Catholic tradition, I’d be interested in hearing from you.

I think we would need to define some terms here. Is ‘telling all’ the same as ‘baring one’s soul’? I would argue it is not. If we think of baring one’s soul as sharing the fullness of ourselves with our spouse, then yes we should be totally open in that regard. By this I mean sharing our faith, dreams, fears, expectations, weaknesses, strengths, etc; the essence of who we are. In a sacramental marriage, we our supposed to help our spouse become the person God intended them to be (and help them make it to heaven), and vice versa. How can we truly attempt to help them in such a way if we don’t know the essensce/truth of who they are?

Also, the example of the Savior tells us (as well as Scripture explicitely stating) that as husband and wife we are to give ourselves away to each other and become one. So, are we only supposed to give away part of ourselves? Or rather do we give away our whole selves, even unto the point of dying to ourselves (i.e. keeping nothing ‘for ourselves’) as our Lord did? I’d suggest the latter.

All that being said, telling somone that the way they chew their food, the petty annoyances we have with them, or every random thought that crosses our mind is not bearing our soul, it’s just being obnoxious and hurtful. Those things (including our sinfulness) are things we do and while they come from us, they are not US. Keeping hurtful information to ourselves does not necessarily equal not baring our souls. Keeping things TO oneself is not the same as keeping things FOR oneself.

I suspect that this idea of ‘keeping some things for ME’ springs from the modern hyper-individualism that western society has fallen prey to.

 

[kaj3]

The Rigbys:

I think we agree that good communication is an important part of a healthy marriage. But does “good communication” mean telling each other everything? Or does it sometimes mean holding certain things back? “Things” could be anything from admitting an affair, to telling your husband that the way he chews his food is annoying you. Basically, any situation where one believes that honesty could be destructive, rather than constructive, to one’s relationship.

I think we agree – maybe just need to define the terms as SteveG suggested. I think I was probably confused about the original meaning of the question.

I don’t think that things that are potentially destructive to the relationship need to be shared if good is not to come out of them. However, that’s not to say that difficult subjects shouldn’t be discussed. If your spouse’s soul is in jeopardy, I would contend that you have an obligation to have that conversation – uncomfortable or not.

Look at your motives – if your motives are rooted in selfishness and good will not come out of it or it is potentially hurtful to your spouse, no need to share. If your motives are rooted in charity and it is potentially hurtful to your spouse, I think you have an obligation to share. I guess that’s what I would base it on.

 

[kaj3]

SteveG:

I think we would need to define some terms here. Is ‘telling all’ the same as ‘baring one’s soul’? I would argue it is not. If we think of baring one’s soul as sharing the fullness of ourselves with our spouse, then yes we should be totally open in that regard. By this I mean sharing our faith, dreams, fears, expectations, weaknesses, strengths, etc; the essence of who we are. In a sacramental marriage, we our supposed to help our spouse become the person God intended them to be (and help them make it to heaven), and vice versa. How can we truly attempt to help them in such a way if we don’t know the essensce/truth of who they are?

Yes – you put my thoughts into words!

 

[Pug]

If a husband doesn’t tell his wife about an affair and she later asks him about his fidelity, what should he do? If he confesses to the past affair or hems and haws about the question, her trust might be more deeply shaken than if he had confessed right away. If he lies, well, that just doesn’t seem right.

Just to weigh in on the main question, I do think some things must be kept to oneself. If you hold the secret of a friend, you are not free to share it with your spouse. If you are tempted to think your spouse is making a big fuss out of nothing, don’t just blurt that out.

Let’s hope our raw, unfiltered thoughts aren’t who we are anyway. They may be what we have to deal with, but they are not the person we are and hence you are not hiding yourself if you don’t share every one of them.

 

[jc413]

I agree with Steve also. What exactly are we talking about here? When you use the phrase “baring souls” to one another, I assume you are addressing the sharing of things that are near and dear to our hearts, such as our dreams, our expectations, our values, our fears, what have you. I cannot see how *not *“baring one’s soul” to one’s spouse is conducive to a good marriage. How could it be?

Certainly there are instances in which hurting the other is not conducive to a healthy marriage, times when being “brutally honest” just isn’t the most loving thing to do. But again, would anything in that category be classified as “baring souls?”

 

[SteveG]

A little further explanation as to why one might hold the ‘soul baring’ position. Start with…

  Ephesians 5
  *25: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,26: that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,27: that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28: Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29: For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church,30: because we are members of his body.31: "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."32: **This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church;**
  * 
 ...First note the reference to 'the two shall become one flesh.'  Here Saint Paul is echoing our Lord's words from....
  
  Matthew 19
  *4: He answered, "Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female,5: and said, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
  *

…but Saint Paul takes it one step further and says that marriage and that union are the symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Does Jesus Keep part of Himself from the church? Emphatically No! He gave himself up wholly on the cross for the Church. In Catholic understanding, it is proper to say that the church (His bride) came forth from the very blood and water of his pierced side. This is parrelled with the creating of the first wife (Eve) from Adam’s side…

  ***St. John Chrysostom***
  *Christ has given us blood and water from his side to fashion the Church. God took the rib when Adam was in a deep sleep, and in the same way Christ gave us the blood and the water after his own death.*

…Christ gave his very life, in it’s fullness, holding nothing back, for his Bride. He continues to give Himself fully to us, ‘body, blood, soul & divinity’ in the Eucharist (The Marriage Feast of the Lamb).

If this marriage (between Christ and the Church) is the TRUE marriage, it seems it should be the example we are to follow. It seems by this standard at least we do indeed need to give up our whole selves and bare our whole selves for our spouse.

 

[eistoob]

Nope. The hubby and I haven’t stayed married for thirty years by telling each other everything.

 

[soldonsacramnts]

…Christ gave his very life, in it’s fullness, holding nothing back, for his Bride. He continues to give Himself fully to us, ‘body, blood, soul & divinity’ in the Eucharist (The Marriage Feast of the Lamb).

If this marriage (between Christ and the Church) is the TRUE marriage, it seems it should be the example we are to follow. It seems by this standard at least we do indeed need to give up our whole selves and bare our whole selves for our spouse.

Part of Giving up of ones whole self is refraining from selfishness. Christ was perfect he didnt have to worry about giving something sinful to His bride. We do. It can be selfish to share everything. It can be selfish to not share. someone said earlier be prudent will it do goog or will it do harm to the other person

 

[cazayoux]

Detroit Sue:

If “baring your soul” only hurts your spouse and brings nothing to the marriage, I agree it should be left unsaid. Echoing the senitments above, sins must be absolved in the Sacrament of Confession. I too, have seen first-hand what brutal honesty can do to a marriage. My own brother lost his wife, and family because he feels compelled to blurt out the “truth.”

AGREED!!

When my wife asks what I think of the back of her thighs … I don’t ‘bare my soul’ … or she’d ‘bury HER sole’ if you know what I mean.

okay … kidding aside … i agree with the above …
if some guy messes up and feels guilty … TOUGH … be repentant, go to confession, and LIVE WITH THE GUILT - that’s your penance and reminder not to do it again!! He shouldn’t hurt his wife because HE ‘needs’ to get it off his chest.

 

[SteveG]

soldonsacramnts:

Part of Giving up of ones whole self is refraining from selfishness. Christ was perfect he didnt have to worry about giving something sinful to His bride. We do. It can be selfish to share everything. It can be selfish to not share. someone said earlier be prudent will it do goog or will it do harm to the other person

You’d have to read my comments within the context of my original post. I think there is a difference between ‘telling all’ and baring ones soul. I don’t disagree that telling all can be harmful, but that is not the same as baring one’ soul.

 

[Ourladyguadalup]

JimG:

…** **if **** their was possibility of transmitting any disease to his wife, the answer would have to be different, as he has a responsibility to protect her.

OK, how is it that he was able to have a one-night stand without the possibility of transmitting disease???/

---

If you mean confessing all sins…No way!

Discussing sin in general…some of our faults…things we are praying for, answered prayers, some special spiritual experience that you’ve had, hurt feelings & disappointmets…Yes way! That’s what marriage is all about!

But, I also think much of this depends on whether or not you & spouse are on relatively equal places spiritually. If he’s not a Catholic, or a non-believer altogether, or maybe just lukewarm in his faith, I think it is best to tread lightly in the spiritual areas. It is easy to alienate him/her altogether with too much of it.