Should we explore an annulment?

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Barnabysmom

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Background.

I’m a cradle catholic. Ive been married for 20 years. We got pregnant after 6 months of dating, he was a new catholic convert who a few years earlier divorced his protestant wife. He had been sexually promiscuous during his marriage to her (they married young). The Catholic Church granted him an annulment.

Fast forward to the current issues:

He still carries the shame of being unfaithful to his ex wife and deals with doubts in regards to the validity of his annulment. He has seen different priests that reassure him it’s valid.

He is austere with sex. He sees sexual sin in marriage

He has in the past asked me to live like brother and sister. I refused.

He has recently picked apart the martial act into the strictest do’s and don’t s categories, far beyond what the magisterium teaches.

He’s reluctantly started therapy with a catholic counselor.

I love him, and he’s a great dad.
He is faithful to me.

My questions:

Since it is ever so clear to me that he was NOT ready to enter marriage, I was pregnant, he did not understand that the marital embrace pleases God, and that we give each other that sacrament during sexual intimacy… is this grounds to explore an annulment?

We are not sexually active, I am terrified of his cyclical ‘rejection’, and am trying to pick up the pieces of what’s left. I feel vulnerable and tricked.

Beyond discussing it with our priest, any thoughts? Where should I be reading about the CC’s stand on annulments? Would this be one?

Thank you
 
Do you want a divorce? That would be required prior to an examination of validity for a decree of nullity.
 
That makes sense. Where should we go for that? Our local pastor?
 
No. I’d love to stay married to him. It’s a desperate situation that has me in an emotional vacuum.
 
Honestly, you sound like you would divorce him if you knew there were grounds to do so when you talk this way. Grounds are discussed after one is divorced. Because before then, your marriage is considered valid.

But if, as you say, you want to remain married, there is no need to consider any of this annulment talk.

It sounds like your husband needs to get his issues straightened out with his counselor. But it sounds like you may need some help to figure out what you are willing to do to stay married too, it’s not all on your husband. “For better or worse,” and this now may be the worse. Hopefully, counseling will help your husband and things will turn around for you and your husband. 20 years is too long to throw away. Hand in there.
 
As pointed out. The Church will not investigate the sacrament of marriage until a civil divorce is attained. It’s the only sacrament I’m aware of that requires something like that.
However, you are far from having this be the issue. What you describe sounds incredibly troubling. I generally don’t like it when people just refer you to something they liked and did but from what you post, you need to get involved with retrouvaille
You both need this ASAP. It can save your marriage.
 
As mentioned, you are putting the cart before the horse.
And counseling is a wonderful first step. Do you have a local Catholic Social Services?
Best of luck and loads of prayers for you both!
 
I have given retrouvaille serious thought lately. But I’m concerned that if we reconcile too soon (he’s so eager to “start anew”) it’ll lead him to sweep unresolved issues under the rug, which would perpetuate the cycle. That’s my only reservation about a couple’s retreat. I favor individual therapy. He insists we should go together. I think his psychological issues must be delved into before we jointly participate, so I’m not sure. We are waiting for the diocesan counselor to call us this week.
 
So each approach has merits. I’ll just say this, every couple (3). That we knew that went to individual therapy and then couples therapy are done. And it all happened sumilairly with the individual therapist counseling to divorce or one person in the couples therapy feeling that the therapist took sides. We know 2 couples in couples therapy now and we talk about what happens. My wife and I look at each other like “well, that would have been the end of our marriage”
Now retrouvaille is not therapy and it sounds so simple to say but it’s a way of communication. One thing I’ll just say is short of stopping affairs or drug use you don’t and shouldn’t “get to a place to go to Rv,” it’s purpose is to help couples in deep distress who are far apart from anything resembling a marriage. Waiting for him to fix himself first won’t help.
Now, Rv would not recommend this but we attended rv outside of our diocese. The road trip was itself a big part of it. One thing you should consider is rv isn’t a weekend. It’s 1 exhausting weekend followed up by like 12 week sessions. It’s intense. But it’s worth it. We have 7 kids, we are friends with the Bishop, we know the marriage and family life office, we know and work with our priest. We needed the anonymity of an out of state retreat. But I see the value of meeting in person with couples in your area. The Church in our diocese was almost inept at helping. RV saved our marriage.
 
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Your (name removed by moderator)ut is priceless. Thank you so much for it. I will pray about this option, and talk to my husband, I already know rv is available in our diocese. I can see why you chose am out of state program. Smart move!
 
Listen, I’ll pray for you and your marriage. We were in a dark place and now it is very strong. We use the tools rv taught us. We even used them in a great conversation today. Even if we thought they were a little awkward when we first did the retreat. I used to be someone who thought my marriage was untouchable, strong. But you Wouldn’t believe how dangerously close we were to it being over. We both took it for granted. Any marriage is worth fighting for. Fight for your marriage and encourage him to do the same!!!
 
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Thank you so much for your loving encouragement. He’s on board!. We will be looking for a retreat opportunity and he’s already emailed our pastor. Thank you for your prayers!
 
Horrible UPDATE.

He confessed he’s been using pornography on his phone during our entire marriage of. 20 years. He always lectures our children about the dangers of pornography, damnation, etc. He told me I ‘never asked’ him, and that he was glad I didn’t! Until now.

We pray the daily Rosary as a family! He’s really strict about how or daughters dress, etc. How would I even suspect this?

He assures me it’s always been confessed. I told him it’s a grave sin against me and he never apologized to ME.

I’m devastated and my world seems over.

Where do I go from here? Would you please pray for me and our children? They need their momma. One has fragile mental health, and loves hear daddy.

I’ve got no other family.
 
Listen. This has retrouvaille written all over it.
It also is more common than you might think. That does not negate the betrayal only to point out that you are not alone
 
I feel like I’ve been living a 20 year old lie. We’ve had such beautiful intimate love life, now I feel like he’s been fantasizing about all these women in the videos he was watching, not ever there with me. I feel so violated. I was ready to try anything to address his taking me for granted and disrespecting me in other ways ,but this shows I was married to an impostor. Too tall an order for any couples retreat
I do t know who this man is.it’s revolting.
 
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