Should we stay together

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We are both 19 and in college. She had many family issues over the years and her parents and siblings have had troubles and issues ah have negatively affected her too. She’s so nice though and very loving and supportive. I know it’s not ideal to parents. I know. But I love thIs girl. And we were together for about a year and half and because of my dad we had some rough patches where we weren’t together during that year and a half because of my dad’s ideals not being reached. But I still held her in my mind during those times so for me I was still with her. Recently those problems were getting larger and she was having troubles. We were drifting apart and she as my best friend wasn’t having an easy rime communicating with me and my communication was dwindling due to the problems’ stress on me too. My dad said to give it up and so I did, because he said she’s going to create problems for our family and me. He said her family will forever be haunting me with stress over my marriage if I marry her. I separated from her about a couple weeks ago because my father said I wasn’t going to be happy dealing with those problems my whole life. Dad says find someone ideal and etc. you know. The whole has good parents is devout and is a great girl always happy or whatever But then who would understand my intensity in life and my goals and dreams and my unwavering persistence.I don’t think that really exists in a person really. And everyone I talk to ( I just push myself to try to see what’s out there) is so BORING to me. I want to be a good son. But I also want to have her. And I don’t know if I can do both. I’ve never met anyone who understood me so much and had the patience to love me and hear me out like her. She knows everything about me down to my small mannerisms. Sure she’s had struggles. But without those she wouldn’t have been able to understand mine. Someone help. This girl is someone important to me. I became such a better person after we met. My personality, grades, and overall life habits improved. I got so responsible too. I learned how to take care of her and be a good boyfriend due to her goodness to being an example. She changed my life when I met her. Someone. Anyone. Help.
 
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Jay11 said:
I became such a better person after we met.
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As with so many choices we must make in life, a sure measuring stick is that very question; does this make me a better or a worse person? The answer can become obvious but you have a lot of detail here that a priest or counselor could help you wade through. Ultimately, if you both want to be together and are committed to that, I see no reason to dump one another.
 
I’ve just always been so badly insecure with this part of my life because of my dad. I never understood relationships because they were “not good” or just “you’ll mess them up”. You truly believe it’s that simple? If it is. My mind is blown
 
Jay11 said:
You truly believe it’s that simple?
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My mind tends to simplify things in that way. But as I said, seek advice from those who are far more qualified than any of us on the forum. 🙂
 
Thank you. That means a lot. I truly appreciate your help and I will definitely seek out other resources to eliminate bias. But your answer was very helpful too.
 
Jay11 said:
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Keep in mind that if you marry properly with approval of the Catholic Church her being Catholic is important. If not Catholic then permission or dispensation must be sought. If not both baptised, then the marriage will not be sacramental and therefore the graces received in a sacramental marriage are not received. There may be conflict on raising children in the Catholic Church.
 
Good thing we are both Catholic and baptized already. But that’s interesting I never knew that but it makes sense
 
Hi repentant2,
I totally get that. But would I rather have some problems and a great person or a person I settled for that I’m too comfortable and bored with and great in laws that make me feel like I can’t relate with. I’ve been through enough to probably where I can’t be this messed up and find anyone else who gets me. I’m a good guy yeah. But I’m not perfect. And nobody else would understand the things I’ve been through mentally probably. She’s the only one ever to instantly know my brain in a second if she just looks at me. I guess it’s what I got to do. Take the good with the bad. For me it’d be worth it if she’s a good mom and wife.
 
You seem pretty young. 19 is young. If you are still relying on your father to make a lot of your relationship decisions for you, it might be wise to mature some more before you make any lifelong commitments.
You split up with her because your father said you wouldn’t be happy dealing with her family problems your whole life? That’s something only you can decide.

I suggest you talk to your parish priest, who can get to know you better than people on the internet, and help you make better decisions.
If she wants to stay friends, I would stay friends with her. But take it slowly and don’t get engaged or married until you are both more mature and sure of yourselves.
God bless.
 
@Jay11
Hi, Jay! Welcome to CAF! 😀 Be sure to explore all over the site in order to avail yourself of all the helpful features offered for us.

I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this anguish. Developing strong interpersonal relationships is difficult. Here are some life questions to ask yourself, but don’t feel that you must answer all these questions here. I’m simply asking to help you reach answers in setting goals so that you can reach for them.

What are your plans for your life? What interests you in terms of providing a living? Technical school or college, and then a job or advanced study? (I know you’re now in college, but sometimes plans change.) Do you want to secure a job that you can keep until you retire? Do you want your own small business with maybe one or two employees? Or a business that could grow to employ hundreds? Do you want to go with a company that has lots of jobs going up the ladder of responsibility, new challenges and bigger paychecks?

Where and how do you see yourself living 10 years from now? 20? How many miles away from your hometown do you want to live? What type of house? Furniture? Car(s)? Vacations? Approximately what will it all cost? Will your job cover all that? Insurance? Utilities? Etc? Etc? Etc? Will you be married? Will your wife work away from home? Will she help you in your business? How many children do you hope for?

When you thought about these questions, were you seeing your girlfriend as your spouse, your forever, lifelong partner?

As a parent, I’m guessing that these are your dad’s biggies, and he’s thinking that you need to become more established in your future life’s work before you get too serious.

Would your girlfriend’s answers to these questions be similar? Would either of you insist upon living close to parents and spending a lot of time with them? Those of us who’ve “been there and done that” know that if you’re both truly in love with each other, that love will survive until you’re both finished with school. Best wishes to you.
 
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Speaking from my own experience of being 19, in college, and very much in love/ committed to someone who my parents or at least my mother weren’t all that wild about, I think it would be best if you finished college and started your life on your own, such as getting started on your career, before you make a permanent commitment to a relationship. If you can stay friends with this girl and keep in touch in the meantime, without it turning into a big committed romance or an occasion of sin, then stay friends and if there’s anything permanent there it will still be there when you’re a little older.

In my case, I thought at age 19 the concerns about my relationship could be easily overcome as we were in love and this person was the most supportive, helpful, best friend etc I’d ever had in my life. Unfortunately, when I reached age 21 or 22 it started to become apparent that this person was not going to fit into my adult life post-college because of some significant personal issues they had (stemming in part from family dysfunction), which hadn’t really shown up when we were younger and still living in our parents’ homes and receiving a lot of support emotionally and financially from them. I also met another guy through my work, who was also a great friend and supportive to me and didn’t have all that baggage of dysfunctional family and personal issues, and I ended up marrying him.

Many of us fall deeply in love in our teens and often the person has some positive effect on us, but since we’re all still kind of figuring out our life and priorities in our teens, often that person is not the one we choose for a marriage partner when we get our life plans more in place.
 
What will make you more happy when you look back? I think you should marry the girl but only you know what is in your heart. Praying you make the best choice
 
This is probably the most truthful and honest advice/description for 19 year olds I have read in a long time. It is always better for both parties to have lived on their own and not have been supported by their parents the whole time. The best choice of a marriage partner is when you are both on the way with what you want to do with your life. People grow and change while in college or even holding down their first job. It refines us and makes us realize what matters to us in a spouse. If it’s real, there is no need to rush into anything—breaking up or getting married.

Great post, Bear.
 
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