Should we treat as a couple a family member living in an irregular situation?

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So, the situation is as follows: the grandmother of my child, mother of my wife, lives in a “marital” situation with a man that she is not rightfully married, since she is “divorced” from my wife’s father, who is alive and they were married in the Catholic Church.

Since her situation is one of adultery, I think it is scandalous and I don’t think it is healthy for the spiritual growth of my child that this man attend family gatherings as the “boyfriend” of her grandmother. As such, I prefer that she presents herself alone.

Is this an understandable conclusion? I think that treating a very grave matter such as adultery as trivial can have bad consequences for the faith, specially for a child.
 
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Fidem said:
Is this an understandable conclusion? I think that treating a very grave matter such as adultery as trivial can have bad consequences for the faith, specially for a child.
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It is understandable and, especially as a father, you have every right and duty to protect your children from scandalous environments as you guide their moral upbringing.
 
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I would treat them with kindness and charity, and take them as they are, not as they should be. Would shunning them really help matters any?

I would provide the child with an age-appropriate explanation of the circumstances, why the situation is immoral, and emphasize that we must treat them civilly and decently. I have had to do that very thing, in explaining to my son the sinfulness of his mother’s illicit un-marriage to her consort (no annulment).
 
I agree–thank you for responding. I wanted to respond to this and knew I couldn’t be charitable so I appreciate your answer.

And the greatest of these is love (charity).
 
Perhaps you could simply introduce the man as grandma’s friend. When I was a kid there were family members whose friends came to dinner. I never knew the difference until I was much older.
 
Yes, but in you case is the mother and since she has the right to be with her children and possibly wouldn’t accept otherwise, you kind of have no choice. Mine is a situation that I and my wife could reach a consensus. Maybe refraining from more intimate meetings, I don’t know…
 
Thank you, I want to reach a balance between charity and fairness, I guess.
 
Fidem said:
Yes, but in you case is the mother and since she has the right to be with her children and possibly wouldn’t accept otherwise, you kind of have no choice.
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That is true, but as soon as my son was old enough to comprehend, I explained to him exactly what was going on, and I have elaborated upon this as he has grown older and is able to comprehend more. They have got the whole town thinking that they are validly married in the Church. I have formally complained to the diocese and they don’t do jack about it. It’s a very unusual, complicated situation, and if I described it further, it might run afoul of CAF guidelines, so I have to leave it at that.
 
My in-laws are in a similar situation. We saw them more when the kids were younger, but we just don’t see them as often, and there are many issues that we don’t see eye-to-eye on. For instance, they refuse to come to Church events for the kids (no Confirmation), although they did attend First Communion. Now they just see the Church as “neo-cons”. We live very far away so we have explained to the kids that Grandpa and “Grandma” aren’t married, etc, and there is another estrangement with another family member (biological Grandma).
It’s tough. Take it a step at a time, I guess, how much you want to explain and discuss.
 
Wise men don’t pick battles with their in laws. Explain to your kids it’s wrong but other than that leave it be.
 
These are tough situations. For your own actions you have to decide who you are trying to benefit and whether a given action will do more harm or good.

Two of my sons are living with their girl friends for years now. One of the girls has an ex, still around. We encouraged the guys to get married, but they don’t.

We always invite the couples to family events and try to keep up relationship with the ladies, including visiting churches with them when we visit the city where the divorce and son live.

When that couple visits our city, we don’t let them sleep together here, so they stay at another son’s home. That son is dating his second divorcee. We went to birthday parties for girlfriend #1 child, and we would for #2, but they keep her kids separate, we never met them.

Our Christmas and birthday presents for the girlfriends usually include a Catholic gift, and something else. If we excluded anyone in irregular situation from Christmas gathering, there wouldn’t be much of one.

We have one son married (after cohabitation) who has young children. We want the brothers to stay in close contact now, and after we’re gone. So we keep affirming the right thing to do, avoid cutting off our Christian influence.

I realize morality does not change, is not conditional to decade…but Prudence does need to take the decade into account, in measuring the impact of our own actions.
 
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The balance is between charity and truth, the fundamental components of love. The modern era is notorious for foresaking the latter for the former.
 
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This is your wife’s mother. How does your wife feel about this? Does your wife also not want the man around as “Grandma’s friend”? Will your wife’s father also be attending these family events and would that be an uncomfortable situation that might ruin the event, or is that not an issue?

I have seen this handled different ways in the family depending on the situation. I think it might be best if you talk to both your wife and your priest rather than asking a bunch of strangers to weigh in. In the end, this is most going to affect your own wife, your own family, and your own relations with your own mother-in-law, which is not something we here on the outside can judge.

I personally think these kinds of situations should be used as teachable moments for the kids when they’re old enough to even understand the situation. When I was old enough to understand/ care, my mother explained to me that certain relatives were basically cheating on their wives or dating someone who was married, and that they were going against Catholic teaching by doing so, and it was wrong. Sooner or later in the world your kids are going to run into people living in ways the Church doesn’t condone, you might as well start teaching them about it at home, and not by shunning everybody who’s a “sinner”, although you don’t have to be having the couple sleep over in your spare room either.
 
My husband grew up with his grandma and friend being around and they knew them as Grandma and Walter. Not grandpa. They didn’t know or care honestly. Adults kept these kind of discussions to themselves.

When the kids are older, I would rather you modelled love and charity to them over those years. The teaching of the church regarding love and marriage should be taught of course. No need to point out who the sinners are. That’s a lesson of it’s own, isn’t it?
 
You will teach your children a profound lesson.

The lesson will be that should grandma commit a sin of a sexual nature, that is the unpardonable sin so the Christian thing to do is to put her out of the family, to turn one’s back and walk away in order to remain pure. Children will take from this that if THEY commit a sin that they will also be put out of the family.

On the other hand, you can teach your children that 1 Corinthians chapter 13 is how Christians live in this world, that we love people even when they sin and that your family is a place of mercy and compassion.

Your choice.
 
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