Sibling association

[magoose]

I have a question regarding whether you should or have to associate with your siblings. First, I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers.
In 1999, both my parents past away, and soon after sister #5, under the guise of needing a housemate, took in a male to help with the expenses of living in the family home. In reality, they were seeing each other behind our backs. She also had 2 young boys and this living situation was just very scandalous. I spoke with 2 different priests and they said the same thing. So I simply
did not associate with her. SHe knew how I felt because she told my husband what she did and didn’t bother telling me. The rest of the family except 1 brother in Kansas, rode the fence which in turn, turned against me. I was just trying to act as the priests told me and live according to the faith. There was no
talking to her, she made up her mind and eventually married this person in front of a judge because he was of ill health and if he died she would get SSI. Unfortunately he did pass away right before he received his “anulment” papers for his 1st marriage.
There was also many ugly situations that happens, a few nasty emails, and I did not respond to them. Also since Mom & Dad are no longer here, my older sisters feel that it certainly was not necessary to keep up the facade that they even care about me.
Shortly after sister#5 moved her housemate in, I told my husband that I was not going to call anybody anymore and see who calls me. Time went on and nobody called and basically that is where it stands. We have 10 beautiful children and have received not an ounce of help from them at all. I have no ill will towards them, I pray for them out of respect for Mom & Dad, but I do not want any contact with them at all. They put the wall up and I am tired of being hurt and don’t want to take it down. There will be other family events coming up, i.e. weddings, funerals, etc., and I feel extremely uneasy in attending and running into them. I can’t stand putting on a fake appearance and conversation and don’t want to give impression things are fine. they’re not. I don’t know I guess where to draw the line. As a result of this, I feel like a hypocrite in trying to go to confession.
I have no one to ask, and my husband is bias, glad to hear what you think and maybe how you would handle this.

K

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First let me say that I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

I don’t know and I don’t know your family. I only know what you have told me…

based on that, I think you have a few decisions to make.

You say “I do not want any contact with them at all. They put the wall up and I am tired of being hurt and don’t want to take it down.”

You need to decide if you really mean this or if you are reacting out of hurt and anger etc. You might consider seeing a good therapist who can help you work through this.

Now, if that is what you decide is best, then follow through. Don’t have any contact, but don’t waste one more moment thinking about the situation…for your own good and that of your immediate family.

As for family gatherings like weddings etc…decide if you still want to be a part of those. If you don’t, then it’s easy to stay away. You do not need to give an explaination. A simple “I’m sorry, we can’t make it” is enough.

If you do still want to be a part of those family gatherings then the advice is simple. Be polite. Being polite does not mean pretending that nothing is wrong or having to “kiss butt”. It just means being as civil to them as you would be to a stranger.

I really hope you can find a way to make peace with this situation, I will pray for you.

Malia

 

[otm]

magoose:

I have a question regarding whether you should or have to associate with your siblings. First, I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers.
In 1999, both my parents past away, and soon after sister #5, under the guise of needing a housemate, took in a male to help with the expenses of living in the family home. In reality, they were seeing each other behind our backs. She also had 2 young boys and this living situation was just very scandalous. I spoke with 2 different priests and they said the same thing. So I simply
did not associate with her. SHe knew how I felt because she told my husband what she did and didn’t bother telling me. The rest of the family except 1 brother in Kansas, rode the fence which in turn, turned against me. I was just trying to act as the priests told me and live according to the faith. There was no
talking to her, she made up her mind and eventually married this person in front of a judge because he was of ill health and if he died she would get SSI. Unfortunately he did pass away right before he received his “anulment” papers for his 1st marriage.
There was also many ugly situations that happens, a few nasty emails, and I did not respond to them. Also since Mom & Dad are no longer here, my older sisters feel that it certainly was not necessary to keep up the facade that they even care about me.
Shortly after sister#5 moved her housemate in, I told my husband that I was not going to call anybody anymore and see who calls me. Time went on and nobody called and basically that is where it stands. We have 10 beautiful children and have received not an ounce of help from them at all. I have no ill will towards them, I pray for them out of respect for Mom & Dad, but I do not want any contact with them at all. They put the wall up and I am tired of being hurt and don’t want to take it down. There will be other family events coming up, i.e. weddings, funerals, etc., and I feel extremely uneasy in attending and running into them. I can’t stand putting on a fake appearance and conversation and don’t want to give impression things are fine. they’re not. I don’t know I guess where to draw the line. As a result of this, I feel like a hypocrite in trying to go to confession.
I have no one to ask, and my husband is bias, glad to hear what you think and maybe how you would handle this.

K

Neither side is handling their feelings, emotions, old hurts and old tapes very well.

It takes two to make a fight, so when you cut off relations with your siblings, the fighting stops. Not ends, but stops. However, I hear a hint of victim in your voice. I wonder how often you play that card with them?

Not everything has to be a fight, and I wonder, when I find individuals who seem to be perpetually fighting, why it is that neither side will ever see anything but that the other party is the one in the wrong.

How you are handling your relationship with them is pretty much your business, but frankly, you do not do very well with it. You should explore what part you have in the relationships being so sour.

I find it very strange that you should have 6 siblings and seemingly have no solid stable relationship with any of them. Problems with one, or maybe two, I can understand, but with all of them? There is more to this issue than just sister #5 being a jerk.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

otm:

Neither side is handling their feelings, emotions, old hurts and old tapes very well.

It takes two to make a fight, so when you cut off relations with your siblings, the fighting stops. Not ends, but stops. However, I hear a hint of victim in your voice. I wonder how often you play that card with them?

Not everything has to be a fight, and I wonder, when I find individuals who seem to be perpetually fighting, why it is that neither side will ever see anything but that the other party is the one in the wrong.

How you are handling your relationship with them is pretty much your business, but frankly, you do not do very well with it. You should explore what part you have in the relationships being so sour.

I find it very strange that you should have 6 siblings and seemingly have no solid stable relationship with any of them. Problems with one, or maybe two, I can understand, but with all of them? There is more to this issue than just sister #5 being a jerk.

I was gently steering her that way with this comment:

“You need to decide if you really mean this or if you are reacting out of hurt and anger etc. You might consider seeing a good therapist who can help you work through this.”

I am not sure that taking a harsh approach is the best way to handle someone in am emotional state who turns to us with their first post. I prefer to see a bit of dialogue first and see what type of personality the OP has.

With that said, I do agree with your comments…just not the timing.

Malia
*

 

[otm]

Ouch.

You are right.

It is late, I’m a bit tired, and I tend to be fairly blunt.

Sorry for the bluntness.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

otm:

Ouch.

You are right.

It is late, I’m a bit tired, and I tend to be fairly blunt.

Sorry for the bluntness.

Oh don’t beat yourself up over it…I understand what you mean. My poor backspace key is getting very worn out from me rephrasing things over and over and over…lol.

I also try not to reply when I’m tired anymore. The best case is that I just don’t make much sense…worst case? much more blunt than you were…

Now go get some sleep

Malia

 

[La_Chiara]

magoose–Clearly, you are hurt and angry that your siblings have embraced lifestyles that you disapprove of and that conflict with the Catholic faith with which they were raised. And you are probably hurt that you don’t have the kind of relationship with them that you desperately would want to have. But unfortunately, you can’t make them be what you want them to be. They are who they are.

You should pray about acceptance and forgiveness–accepting and forgiving your siblings and yourself. You are all who you are and no one can change grown adults except themselves. Stop trying to change them and stop being upset that they might want to change you. You need to find peace in your own life–you, your husband, and your kids. Focus on achieving peace and acceptance. Offer it up, as we Catholics say. (Hand your struggles over to God and focus on what you can influence.)

Really listen to the readings at Mass when they deal with family problems and forgiveness–or find and read the passages in the Bible. And finally, please go to Confession and talk about this. You will feel so much better and you will start going down the path towards forgiveness and letting go of your anger at your siblings.

By the way, I say this as one who struggled with the same issues that you are struggling with and having the same reaction as you. I am sharing with you how I finally found peace. If it makes you feel any better, the dynamics in my family have indeed changed a bit, with a few (but not all) siblings getting closer to their Catholic faith. But more importantly, I have found peace and strength. And every time the Mass readings are about forgiveness, I contemplate, pray, and progress further on my spiritual journey.

 

[contemplative]

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Some whole families are just plain old toxic. Sometimes the only way out is to leave forever.

Look at the whole picture of your life and pray and ask God for discernment.

I seem to recall Fr. Gabriele Amorth describing how evil can dominate an entire family. What do you do an event like that? Ask God for protection. Ask God to bind whatever divides.

 

[contemplative]

contemplative:

I seem to recall Fr. Gabriele Amorth describing how evil can dominate an entire family. What do you do an event like that? Ask God for protection. Ask God to bind whatever divides.

An Exorcist: More Stories by Fr. Gabriel Amorth

Questions and Answers

Page 185

Is demonic possession contagious? Can we be victims of some form of satanic revenge if we help a demoniac?

Evil activity is not contagious, but it is possible for an entire family or a large group to be victimized. But at times, when one individual in the family is affected, no other member is affected, for instance, a spouse or children. More distant relations are less likely to be struck.

Helping these victims is very meritorious, just as it is very praiseworthy to help anyone in trouble. We can help by our constant prayer, by receiving the sacraments, and by our daily actions.

 

[CatCat]

I would say that it certainly is your choice whether you associate with your siblings. However, I believe the innocent ones in all of this are the children. Wouldn’t your nieces and nephews benefit from interaction with you and your wonderful family of cousins for them?

My husband and I are facing a fraction of what you are right now. His sister is pregnant, with a non-Catholic wedding before the baby is due. My husband was so irate when he first found out that he vowed to have nothing to do with them. His anger mainly stems from her already having given one baby up for adoption, and he thinks she doesn’t seem to have learned her lesson. He even stated that he wouldn’t want to be a godfather to the child if his sister manages to have the baby baptist (Fiance is not Catholic). I’ve been working on him not to punish his niece/nephew because of his frustration with his sister. So that’s how I see it. Your nieces/nephews are not responsible for their parents actions, and it is not our place to punish the children for the sins of the parents.

As for me, it would take a GREAT deal to get me not to associate with my three sisters and three brothers. We are all very close, and even when we were doing things that others didn’t approve of, we aired our concerns, everyone prayed for resolution, and eventually everything came around. Just pray, and God will touch hearts as they are opened to him.

 

[Island_Oak]

otm:

Neither side is handling their feelings, emotions, old hurts and old tapes very well.

It takes two to make a fight, so when you cut off relations with your siblings, the fighting stops. Not ends, but stops. However, I hear a hint of victim in your voice. I wonder how often you play that card with them?

Not everything has to be a fight, and I wonder, when I find individuals who seem to be perpetually fighting, why it is that neither side will ever see anything but that the other party is the one in the wrong.

How you are handling your relationship with them is pretty much your business, but frankly, you do not do very well with it. You should explore what part you have in the relationships being so sour.

I find it very strange that you should have 6 siblings and seemingly have no solid stable relationship with any of them. Problems with one, or maybe two, I can understand, but with all of them? There is more to this issue than just sister #5 being a jerk.

While blunt and pointed (an approach I tend to appreciate when receiving advice), I think this post is on right on target. I have a very large extended family (eldest of 38 grandchildren) and there are all sorts of poor choices, fallen away members, and scandalous behaviour mixed in with the fun, kindness, affection and admirable qualities. The only solution is to live your life consistent with the values you profess. This may on occasion mean you don’t attend the wedding shower for a second marriage or baby shower celebrating the birth of another out-of-wedlock child. Send a gift and card of good wishes.

Bottom line: Maintain contact. The reason you probably don’t feel any support from your family is they feel none from you. Not a one of us gets through the journey of life perfectly, and it sure helps to know our family loves us and is behind us when we need them even if they don’t fully support/agree with every decision we make. Sometimes when someone finally “sees the light” they are most grateful for the constant presence of someone who was stable and supportive and it is that example to which they turn.

 

[contemplative]

An Exorcist: More Stories by Fr. Gabriel Amorth

Some causes of evil presence
page 111-112

Absorbency:
I notice that , often, victims of evil ailments act like sponges or absorbent paper. They very easily soak up all negativities that come their way and suffer for it. The source of the negativity can be a place or an object, but most often, it is a person. Someone may notice that being near particular individuals (going to their house, or receiving a visit from them, or even just being near them) causes suffering that lasts for hours, or even days. It is important to mention that, often, the carrier of this negativity is unaware of it and has no evil intention. Victims of negativities often are able to feel when somenone else is a victim, and their presence is a source of pain. In this case, they must try to avoid contact with the person who causes the affliction—although it may not always be possible–because the contact is a source of pointless suffering. We may even have regretfully to break relationships with friends or close relatives and reduce contact to a minimum.

 

[LSK]

magoose:

I have a question regarding whether you should or have to associate with your siblings. First, I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers.
In 1999, both my parents past away, and soon after sister #5, under the guise of needing a housemate, took in a male to help with the expenses of living in the family home. In reality, they were seeing each other behind our backs. She also had 2 young boys and this living situation was just very scandalous. I spoke with 2 different priests and they said the same thing. So I simply
did not associate with her. SHe knew how I felt because she told my husband what she did and didn’t bother telling me. The rest of the family except 1 brother in Kansas, rode the fence which in turn, turned against me. I was just trying to act as the priests told me and live according to the faith. There was no
talking to her, she made up her mind and eventually married this person in front of a judge because he was of ill health and if he died she would get SSI. Unfortunately he did pass away right before he received his “anulment” papers for his 1st marriage.
There was also many ugly situations that happens, a few nasty emails, and I did not respond to them. Also since Mom & Dad are no longer here, my older sisters feel that it certainly was not necessary to keep up the facade that they even care about me.
Shortly after sister#5 moved her housemate in, I told my husband that I was not going to call anybody anymore and see who calls me. Time went on and nobody called and basically that is where it stands. We have 10 beautiful children and have received not an ounce of help from them at all. I have no ill will towards them, I pray for them out of respect for Mom & Dad, but I do not want any contact with them at all. They put the wall up and I am tired of being hurt and don’t want to take it down. There will be other family events coming up, i.e. weddings, funerals, etc., and I feel extremely uneasy in attending and running into them. I can’t stand putting on a fake appearance and conversation and don’t want to give impression things are fine. they’re not. I don’t know I guess where to draw the line. As a result of this, I feel like a hypocrite in trying to go to confession.
I have no one to ask, and my husband is bias, glad to hear what you think and maybe how you would handle this.

K

It has been my experience that, once I truly look at my behavior, I have usually contributed to the type of situation described above. I am not saying you have done anything wrong, but oftentimes I have done the ‘right thing’ with the intention of making someone else behave properly - in other words, with the intention of manipulation.

I would suggest you look into some personal counseling, perhaps a 12 Step approach through something like Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous. Perhaps you would be able, through intense self-examination - to see how you may have contributed to this breakdown in family relations, make amends for YOUR behavior only and thereby remove your uneasiness…you may be able to interact with them at future functions with love, charity and without expectations.
You are in my prayers.

 

[Della]

I too have family members not living as they should. But, I go to all their doings: weddings, showers, parties, etc. Not because I don’t have the backbone to stand up to them–they all know where I stand. It’s because I have love and pity for them in some of the situations they have gotten themselves into by their poor choices in life.

It is not my place nor your place to lecture them or shun them or get on any kind of high horse over the stupid things people do when they think they are doing what will make them happy. I keep the lines of communication open at all times, and forgive, forgive, forgive! And pray, pray, pray! It is more important that you be a witness to love and forgiveness before them than you play “Sister Rap-on-the-Knuckles.”

Remember Jesus ate with publicans and sinners so that he might reach out to them and be there for them because they needed him to love and understand them more than the Pharisees or the Sadducees or anyone else who thought themselves too good for the likes of such depraved people.

 

[LSK]

Della:

I too have family members not living as they should. But, I go to all their doings: weddings, showers, parties, etc. Not because I don’t have the backbone to stand up to them–they all know where I stand. It’s because I have love and pity for them in some of the situations they have gotten themselves into by their poor choices in life.

It is not my place nor your place to lecture them or shun them or get on any kind of high horse over the stupid things people do when they think they are doing what will make them happy. I keep the lines of communication open at all times, and forgive, forgive, forgive! And pray, pray, pray! It is more important that you be a witness to love and forgiveness before them than you play “Sister Rap-on-the-Knuckles.”

Remember Jesus ate with publicans and sinners so that he might reach out to them and be there for them because they needed him to love and understand them more than the Pharisees or the Sadducees or anyone else who thought themselves too good for the likes of such depraved people.

Absolutely, Della. Trying to be a good Catholic Christian can be difficult but by just loving them and being who we are we demonstrate how loving and forgiving The Holy Mother Church truly is - and we get a chance to be more like Jesus.