Sibling fighting! Ahhh!

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Mamamull

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OK, So, my situation is a little different, that the average family.

I have two sons. The older one we adopted at birth and he is almost 7 yrs. old. The younger son is 5 yrs. old and we have had him for six months.

Both kids are used to being only children – but of course the younger one has more problems with solving his problems in a non-physical way.

They have been at each other’s throats this week. We have a membership at a pool and I have them in swimming lessons four days a week – for about an hour. I thought the schedule of getting to the pool at a certain time and the lessons would help them to not be too out of whack with no school.

At the pool, the boys are not usually near each other. The older son can swim like a dolphin, so to speak. The younger one has never been in a pool before this week. :crying: He is learning water skills quickly – I just can’t believe that he never was allowed to go swimming, but I digress.

At home they yell at each other, fail to compromise and generally end up in fisticuffs whenever I leave them alone to do something trivial – like laundry.

So, what help can you give me? It is only the first week out of school and I am feeling more than a bit stressed.

I separate them frequently, but honestly, I need more freedom to do my chores. If I keep the younger near me, I will go nuts because he talks more than me – an amazing feat --:D.

All this is happening and we are approaching finalizing the adoption. Talk about cold feet. Please help me!
 
Warm those feet up;) Mom you are in a wonderful position and you do not know it:D Ok have you used the guilt factor yet?All I have is boys and it works,they would get after each other,and I would say why are you at each other like that?They would proceed to tell on each othersigh:rolleyes: then I would tell them about how important being brothers are and how lonely it would be with out their brother,put as much drama as you can they usually feel bad and are nice to each other again.
 
Guilt – why didn’t I do that? I was destined to be a good Catholic with how well I accept guilt.

It is a powerful motivator. Thanks!
 
As I am not yet a mommy, I don’t feel qualified to offer any advice.

What I can offer, however, is a few suggestions.

First, have you ever seen either “Nanny911” or “Supernanny”?

They send an experienced nanny straight from England into homes to help families deal with difficult situations.

I am learning so much about parenting… I just hope I can remember it all by the time I need it, lol.

Also, my sis and I are 6 years apart. She is younger. We fought constantly (and still do to a lesser degree). What I find made things much worse (now that I can look back on it with adult eyes) is my mom’s constant interference. She allowed herself to get sucked into our fights and took my sister’s side because I was “older and should know better”, lol.

It led to a competition mentality between my sis and I.

I would assume the competion mentality between adoptees (especially one from birth and one at age 5) is huge. The 5 year old probably feels displaced and the older one may feel more entitled to your love. They both need to be clear on the fact that no matter what they do, you will not choose sides.

I also suggest you make it more rewarding for them to work or play together. If they do so with no fighting, they both get rewarded. If they fight, they both get punished (take away their favorite toy or a privelege or something). Make it mutually beneficial for them to be nice to eachother.

Most of all, don’t get emotional!!! That was my mom’s downfall and I’m sure will be mine too if I let it;) . Kids seem to do best when they know exactly what is expected of them and have a clear picture of action=consequence.

I wish you luck!!!

Malia
 
Hi Mamamull!!!

When my kids fight (it’s usually my 2 girls, my son gets along with the girls great), I’ve tried a few Dr. Ray things, and they work pretty good.

Your boys are a little young to write essays. However, instead of “writing” 10 nice things about each other, have them come up with 5-10 nice things about the other one, you are the judge as to whether what they say counts. At least a few things need to be character traits(“he’s nice”, “he shares his toys with me”).

I’ve sat them in chairs facing each other for up to 30 minutes. They can not speak or touch each other.

Lately, I have them clean each others’ drawers and make each others’ beds if one is particularly nasty to the other. (My 5 year old is cleaning the 11 year old’s drawers right now:D ).

Have them do chores where it takes more than one—wash/dry the car, sweep and dust bin the floors, etc. If they fight while doing the chore, assign another chore. They must do an entire chore without fighting.

Also, if they fight, they MUST apologize to each other in a sincere way and give each other a hug. I don’t care who started it or whatever—they MUST apologize and forgive each other. Just as a Father does in Heaven, right? If we apologize sincerely, we are forgiven.

I’ll bet you want what I want for my kids. LOVE!!! I want them to love each other and have a good relationship, so that when I’m gone, they have each other. I’m close with my sis and we’re 9 years apart. If I didn’t have her, I don’t know what I would do. She’s my best friend.

As always, you’re in my prayers:) .
 
When my brother and I fought, my Mom put us in the bathroom and we couldn’t come out until we hugged and kissed each other three times. It may sound a little weird but it worked! It saved Mom’s sanity too!

Then one day we were going to a friend’s pool but brother and I were fighting again and Mom said, “If you don’t stop fighting you’re not going to the pool!” Well, we didn’t listen. So Mom went upstairs and called the babysitter. The babysitting arrived, Mom said “Ok, I’m going to the pool, you’re staying here.” We were shocked. We were ever more shocked when Mom got home and made us pay for the babysitter.
 
Don’t feel alone. we are in the same boat. my kids are ages 6 and 4 - and our goal for this summer is for them to “co-exist”.

A couple of things are are trying-

if there is any scuttle- they both go to time out- there is no discussion of who started it, etc… (i have tried this and it only escaltes things and feeds into it). We increased time out to about 8 minutes- so it means something (4 min. was too short)

if they get physcial - which happens about once per week- (scratches on faces, etc…) they both get spankings. they know this upfront. my wife and i feel this is a serious enough infraction to warrant serious consequences.

we are trying to get them to communicate there wants/needs using words. esp. for the 4 year old, she will often bother her brother when she really wants his attention to play for example.

good luck- we are with you…
 
we children all have our moments, but keeping them out of eachother’s hair is a big help. Give them all seperate chores in differnt parts of the house. That tends to help. Know that as they grow older they will get along better too!
 
I have three…15, 11, and 4…occassionally I sit them down and explain a hard truth. One day…I will be dead and gone and the only family you will have is each other… Immediately they look at each other in a different light (even if only for a moment)
 
I usually “throw” my kids outside when they start acting up. I luckily have a fenced in yard so this may not be possible for some. My kids are age 2, 5 and 8. They sometimes fight constantly. A little fresh air usually helps. I also find that giving one or all a bath helps too. I feel like my kids get on each others nerves when they are bored. Find what peaks each kids interest and run with it! There are some good kid’s boredom buster books out there. Amazon.com carries some.
 
I was truly patient when problems like this surfaced. Be truly patient and help them by being a mediator for them. They are certainly old enough to reason. Mediate with fairness, respect and love and eventually they will learn how to be civilized people that will work out problems without savagery.
 
Hi There,
When I had foster kids (teen girls) they fought horribly…I tried the standard lectures about respecting each others property and differences etc…didn’t work…so I tried forcing them to be together and viola!!! it worked…When I had my own kids, I did this too. If 2 of them were not getting along I made them accompany each other everywhere for a couple of days. They would either get along or kill each other! Well the plan worked in a different way, if they had somewhere they wanted to go alone (without a tag along) they behaved and since it takes two to fight we didn’t have so many problems. That is until my younger son wanted to go with his big brother and taunted him relentlessly then asked “do we have to do everything together?” the answer was NO of course since he was only doing it to be with his brother. The fun part was making my son accompany his sister to somewhere “girly” when he picked on her and they started fighting…He has since stopped picking on her for the most part. I think every parent goes through that “I’m gonna pull my hair out if they fight one more time today” thing. Be consoled that you are not the first nor the last and somehow they grow into adulthood despite us parents.
God Bless †
 
Thank you – each and every one of you.

I do have Dr. Ray’s Discipline that lasts a lifetime. It has helped. It just doesn’t cover the odd-ball attachment disorder stuff. The books I have on attachment disorder explain the issue from the most extreme end of the spectrum, too. New son is only a little attachment disordered. His fears and vigilance are beyond the pale of rational thought. So we work on other parts of his life to help him adjust those issues.

The competition between the new son and our older son is the worst. I know he has a lot of love that he missed. I take him on my lap, when it is just the two of us – and tell him how much I wish I had had him from birth. I try to tell him what things we would have done together. I also tell him that my love for him is based on his being part of our family. He is fully a part of our family and I love him as much as if he had been here with us since birth.

The spats are usually very progressive, but I have come in to the fight with questions – just like when they are trying to solve a puzzle, etc, – what can we do differently? Who can make the smallest compromise and still be happy? Who feels the most attached to/invovled with/possessive of the item being contended?

If I do that, I find that I am not looking to find blame and they seem to both relax a tad that way. They also seem to look at the problem being more than just their brother.

I am going to try to get some play dates for the new son. He is really jealous when his older brother gets to have aplaydate and he doesn’t.

I also have used some very tough love. When new son was being cruel to his brother while in the car on the way to the pool. I told him to stop or he wasn’t going in the water.

The new son promptly screamed in his brother’s ear. So he sat out of the pool with me for two hours. He missed his swimming lesson and watched me read a book. He was miserable. His pre-swimming behavior has really improved.

I appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut and insight. I know that kids are kids. I agree with Dr. Ray that letting them sort things on their is not always the best, but helping them to get an understanding of how to negotiate – that is useful and a step away from confrontation.

The new son, bless his heart, should be more throughly messed up and non-attachingm but he is only a little wierded out and really wants to be part of a family. His logic is not ligical and he definitely hasn’t had the educational opportunities that our home would have given him. Still he is bright a learns some things well.

He still pretty much gets to the physical level with his frustrations. I try to tell him there are times when he can’t force his usually agreeable brother to conform to his will. Then he has to find something nice to do in his room.

The older brother would find cleaning a punishment. The new kid is almost neurotic about cleaning once he starts. It sounds nice, but no trait when taken to an extreme is good. I do let him help me and fawn all over him for being a good helper. Then I have to say it is time for play time!

I will gladly take all prayers that the boys will attach to each other and I will be the best mom I can be. St. Gianna, pray for all mothers!
 
We finalize our adoption of the younger son on June 30th. 😃

We have told him about the date and tried to tell him what it means. He asked if we would be finished adopting him and that seemed to work for him.

I am excited to have the date. I have to say I had some fear over making it permanent, but just having this date has made a world of difference.
 
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