Sin arising from abuse

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richierua

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Hey guys. Been a long time since I’ve been here!

I’ll get straight to the point. I was abused quite heavily as a child and young teen. A close relative exposed me to adult material, some boys touched me inappropriately for three years and I was groomed by a teacher. Needless to say this has led to not-insignificant mental trouble and problems.

I have some issues with drink and anger but my chief problem is pornography from the time I was 7 when my close relation exposed me repeatedly to it. I find myself almost unable to quit for any length of time. I have spoken to multiple priests about it and they have told me it is not a mortal sin for me due to the fact it arose from abuse and I’ve been hooked on it from age 8 or so.

I want to believe them as it would mean I don’t offend Our Lord so heavily by my shameful addiction but I don’t want to commit the further sin of presumption. Before you ask, I’ve seen many counselors and shrinks over the issue. I’d like your opinion and counsel on the matter.

Thanks and God bless.
 
God allows sufferings in your life to draw good from it. God has made you aware of such abuses that could also be suffered by others even right now. Perhaps your purpose in life is to help those who used to be like you. Only you, who truly understands what it feels like to suffer this way and because you have been there, is able to reach out your hand and pull those victims from their plight. Maybe God wants you to be His merciful hand to others?
 
richierua said:
I have some issues with drink and anger but my chief problem is pornography from the time I was 7
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You have to work on these issues. It is a process that requires time and effort. Bad habits are overcome by good habits. Pray when you feel tempted. Meditate and keep busy doing good works.
 
I try and help others in similar situations but I’m mostly concerned about mortally sinning or not. I try to fight it but it is exceedingly hard and I don’t succeed often or for very long. I feel shame and disgust for my sin but I wonder if I should listen to the priests when they say its venial
 
Rich,

I suffered similar abuse and am still healing from it. I strongly suggest that you seek professional help to ease your sense of guilt and shame. It was never your fault. You were the innocent victim of some very disturbed people.
 
Don’t give up.
I recommend frequent confession.
The Church recognizes mitigating factors in determining culpability for what would objectively be grave matter relating to mortal sin. We have to do our best.
 
richierua said:
I feel shame and disgust for my sin but I wonder if I should listen to the priests when they say its venial
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Sometimes in life we never get true justice for the hurt that we have suffered. Our anger at the injustice has to go somewhere, we either turn it against other people, or we turn our anger against ourselves. When we turn the anger against ourselves, we find some way to harm ourselves.

Jesus died in advance for all our sins; he prayed on the cross; forgive them Father. But how did Jesus hold out his hands on the cross and love and pray for the man with the hammer and nails?

We say the Lord’s prayer and we ask God to forgive us in exactly the same way that we forgive those who hurt us. If you can come to terms with forgiving and praying a blessing on those who abused you, you will come to understand how God also forgives you too; and how you can also come to terms with forgiving yourself.
 
You seem to be suffering from scruples.
You have consistently been given the same answer by multiple priests who know more than we do.

Yet you come here, a bunch of untrained people who know nothing about you for a 3rd opinion.

You do see that this is irrational behaviour dont you?
That means it is driven by emotional issues you choose not to reign in.

Please ask these questions of a 4th priest if you do not trust the first three and control your compulsive need for reassurance in a reasonable manner. Mention likely scruples over this issue.
God bless.
 
My counsel on the matter is to listen to the priests you’ve spoken to and continue getting help from a therapist.
 
richierua said:
I’ve seen many counselors and shrinks over the issue. I’d like your opinion and counsel on the matter.
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If that is the case what makes you think we have a magic solution I wonder? Those people are trained and maybe experts.

If you watch pornography you must be thinking something whilst you watch or it wouldn’t be anything like as strong an addiction I would posit. Presumably the attraction is in the fantastical ideas of participating somehow. So let’s be honest about that. Stop participating mentally and realise that for you as an observer it isn’t real.

After you’ve tried that I’d suggest that you stop watching pornography. Naive, simple idea but it would help and I’d be surprised if none of the experts you’ve already consulted hadn’t suggested it.

You may need to confront this issue with self discipline. That’s an old fashioned idea these days, because everyone wants an easy answer. The old answers sometimes are best because we haven’t changed much over millennia, our IQ have risen over that time by a few points but our minds are pretty much the same as ever.

God bless.
 
Lee1 said:
If that is the case what makes you think we have a magic solution I wonder? Those people are trained and maybe experts.
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It is often easier to give advice because we are not the people who have to deal with the problem. Sometimes I feel that more powerful solutions can come from people who have been abused and groomed as a child and suffered in the same kind of way.

If they have found ways to cope themselves, they may be able to help those who are still suffering. There are no instant magic cures, for some people this can become a lifetime struggle. If we have not suffered this kind of abuse, I am not sure we can make judgements on those who have.

Prayer can help.
Blessings
Eric
 
I presume the priests in question were in the confessional when they told you this. Just a note that they were in the person of Jesus as the time, so it was technically Jesus who told you this. Either way (if they were out of the confessional) they are your superiors in the Church so it would be well to be obedient to them and listen to them. Still the porn is a venial sin for you this is one of the many reasons your soul is distressed by it. But try to calm your soul down for if it becomes anxious it is much harder to avoid sin. It is quite natural for your soul to get distressed by sin and want to become rid of it. You could ask Mary to come and be a mother to you and calm you down, so that you can think straight, when we are anxious we get in such a dither we are less able to avoid sin and then once we do it then we think why not more etc. So just because the priest has said it is not a mortal sin does not mean you should do it, you should still try to avoid it. It just means it is only venial for you, you can confess it and it still upsets our Lord but his mercy is so great he gives you a special place in his heart. So keep on trying to avoid the sin of porn and keep on battling against all sin and ask God and your Angel and Mary to help you. Keep confessing and being the warrior that God has made you and wear his armour well. God bless you
 
Eric_Hyom said:
It is often easier to give advice because we are not the people who have to deal with the problem
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I did that following the line of mine that you quoted.

Like it or not, if someone needs help in stopping watching pornography at some point not watching pornography is a necessary part of the solution. That may take self discipline, I don’t see how else unless there is no accesss to pornography and I would advocate ridding himself of the equipment he’s using for an extended period of time.

Just some thoughts.
 
Definitely listen to the advice of your priests. Abuse and other factors often mitigate these sins, so they’re certainly right in that regard. These things need long term healing, so stick with it, even when it’s difficult.

That’s my very simple opinion, and the most that I can give since I’m not a professional.
 
[Post 1/2] Jesus is always there to help us, in our darkest hours He is there to comfort us, all we have to do is ask. By you asking this question you are admitting you don’t want to this attachment to porn anymore which is good. I would like to offer you some advice.

First and foremost, if you haven’t already, block all the websites you know cause you to sin. Disable any incognito or private searches. Put in place safe-search and restricted access to pornographic sites and material.

Next, take cold showers every day and give up something you like (soda or if you can alcohol) because by giving up what you enjoy, you gain graces to fight off these temptations. How can you say no to porn if you can’t say no to drinking a Pepsi? This is the logic. Cold showers force you to discipline yourself and it gives you control over your body.

Next, listen to think great podcast by Matt Fradd who is a world-reknown anti-porn speaker with excellent books, lectures, and podcasts:


Fourth, frequently go to confession. No matter how many times you go to confession Jesus always forgives as long as your intention is to try and not sin again and this is your intention. Go every week if you have to, go even more often. You will also gain graces to fight these temptations during the Sacrament of Confession.
 
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[Post 2/2] Fifth, write a letter to yourself while you are sober from pornography. Write about how you feel when you are not using porn or masturbating and how you want to fight these temptations. Write about the embarrassment of confessing and how you don’t want to face that embarrassment again (even though the Priest has heard it all!). Write about how you want to respect women as daughters of God and you don’t want to objectify women. Write about how when you fall to pornography how bad you feel. Then when you are tempted to use porn or masturbate, read this letter!. It will help you.

Sixth, pray that Jesus may heal you of these sins and help you fight these temptations and ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to guide you.

Seventh, find an accountability partner. Tell one of your friends about your struggles and ask them to help you. Every time you use porn or are tempted, tell them. Eventually you will find it awkward to tell them and that will be motivation to fight the temptation. Consider using Covenant Eyes, it is the best accountability and blocker software for pornography on the market.

Eighth, stop masturbating cold turkey because if you masturbate, the temptation to use porn is going to be higher most likely.

I will be praying for you and know that many people struggle with this and these are the steps people must go through to fight and ultimately conquer the temptations of porn and masturbation.

St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us!
 
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