Single At Church and Discomfort

[MA1965]

I am different. My childhood abuse probably saw to that.
I can concieve of marrying a woman but I am very different. I doubt seriously about being a good father and even fear thowing a child off the wall the way my father did with me. I fear this although I have no history of violence.The fact that it happened and his fther was a child abuser oppresses me as if there is a curse on the family.

I do frivolous things too and am picture book represenative of the bipolar person I am.

I am a quandry about well meaning people. When I was younger those who wanted me to date this woman or concsider the priesthood didn’t know I was just getting by.

I want to go back to Mass, I am afraid the four major physical and mental disabilites are crushing me. I dread, however, being asked to do things. I feel I would pollute any ministry or group with depression and despair. I am seing a doctor about this. But I am empty, even dead in a spiritual way. Something impels me back to Mass. But I don’t expect a sunny, cheerful revolution. rather I only see the Cross. That is OK. I just don’t want to be upsetting with parishoners. I don’t mind being asked to do things. I am at a loss about being alone and hiding so I don’t have to explain. Saying why I am saying no. I couldn’t always do this for myself. It seems Catholic singles groups I have seen are oriented to getting married. Am I wrong about this? I feel my place is in the corner too far away to participate in the sign of peace.

Peace
MA1965

 

[Neil_Anthony]

Hi Ma1965,

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Some days I’m feeling more positive and social than others, but I found a mass at a big basilica where I can be anonymous at mass, and if I’m feeling extra un-social that day I can sit near the back or near the corner and there’s less chance that I’ll have to do lots of hand-shaking at the sign of peace. And no one is going to ask you to help with anything if you don’t want to, at least that would be very rare. If they do, you could simply explain that you’re having some trouble with a mental health issue and don’t feel able to do it. I’m sure they would just ask someone else.

I don’t think anyone is going to notice if you aren’t 100% cheery and happy at mass. Assuming the worst you would do is frown a bit or sigh, it’s really nothing they have any right to complain about. Just go, and remember you aren’t there to entertain the other parishioners, you’re there to worship God and participate in the mass. And if you were perfect, you wouldn’t have to be there

I also bet that you’re worried about things that aren’t a big concern… but I’ll leave that to someone more people-oriented to help you with that. Good luck, and I hope you can find a big half-empty parish where you feel comforable

Sincerely,
Neil

Edit: Once I was out of town and went to a new parish and the priest really did ask me to help with the collection. I just explained that I didn’t feel comfortable with it… I felt lousy for declining the request to help, but he just asked the next person, and I know I had a good reason. In my experience its very rare for them to look for volunteers just before the mass like that.

 

[dafalax]

I am different. My childhood abuse probably saw to that.
I can concieve of marrying a woman but I am very different. I doubt seriously about being a good father and even fear thowing a child off the wall the way my father did with me. I fear this although I have no history of violence.The fact that it happened and his fther was a child abuser oppresses me as if there is a curse on the family.

I do frivolous things too and am picture book represenative of the bipolar person I am.

I am a quandry about well meaning people. When I was younger those who wanted me to date this woman or concsider the priesthood didn’t know I was just getting by.

I want to go back to Mass, I am afraid the four major physical and mental disabilites are crushing me. I dread, however, being asked to do things. I feel I would pollute any ministry or group with depression and despair. I am seing a doctor about this. But I am empty, even dead in a spiritual way. Something impels me back to Mass. But I don’t expect a sunny, cheerful revolution. rather I only see the Cross. That is OK. I just don’t want to be upsetting with parishoners. I don’t mind being asked to do things. I am at a loss about being alone and hiding so I don’t have to explain. Saying why I am saying no. I couldn’t always do this for myself. It seems Catholic singles groups I have seen are oriented to getting married. Am I wrong about this? I feel my place is in the corner too far away to participate in the sign of peace.

Peace
MA1965

My dear friend in Christ:

I am so sorry to hear of the huge cross you bear. I cannot relate directly, but i can comfort you by telling you you do not bear it alone. Jesus is with you and wants to help you with your problems. The best way to let Him in to do that is regular attendance at mass. A doctor cannot heal you if you don’t go to his office, no? It’s been my experience that more traditional parishes tend to be less “social”, so if possible find one of those. You can also try keeping your head down and your hands clasped so people will assume you’re very prayerful instead of stand offish. If the sign of peace bothers you very much, you could make a trip to the restroom as soon as the priest starts to get near that part (or during the Our Father, if hand-holding is a problem). There are many ways to go to mass with your special circumstances, but that yearning you feel for mass is surely our Lord drawing you closer.
Take St. Dymphna as your special patroness (for mental health problems) and attend mass. Daily mass, even, if you can. Daily communicants tend to be less “social” also, so it probably wouldn’t be so awkward. Also try offering up your suffering for different sinners each day. Focusing on how your suffering can help others will help you avoid getting bogged down in your own problems (which depression can do) and also help you find meaning in your daily cross so it becomes eaasier to bear.
God bless you with this matter.

 

[Stolen_Rutters]

Unfortunately that title is me. At 36 and still single, I feel looked down upon every time I’m there. I have no calling to the priesthood, but I’m 100% more comfortable with science, physics and mathematics than I am around women.

 

[mahoneyt]

I am different. My childhood abuse probably saw to that.
I can concieve of marrying a woman but I am very different. I doubt seriously about being a good father and even fear thowing a child off the wall the way my father did with me. I fear this although I have no history of violence.The fact that it happened and his fther was a child abuser oppresses me as if there is a curse on the family.

I do frivolous things too and am picture book represenative of the bipolar person I am.

I am a quandry about well meaning people. When I was younger those who wanted me to date this woman or concsider the priesthood didn’t know I was just getting by.

I want to go back to Mass, I am afraid the four major physical and mental disabilites are crushing me. I dread, however, being asked to do things. I feel I would pollute any ministry or group with depression and despair. I am seing a doctor about this. But I am empty, even dead in a spiritual way. Something impels me back to Mass. But I don’t expect a sunny, cheerful revolution. rather I only see the Cross. That is OK. I just don’t want to be upsetting with parishoners. I don’t mind being asked to do things. I am at a loss about being alone and hiding so I don’t have to explain. Saying why I am saying no. I couldn’t always do this for myself. It seems Catholic singles groups I have seen are oriented to getting married. Am I wrong about this? I feel my place is in the corner too far away to participate in the sign of peace.

Peace
MA1965

I struggle with the same things, I’m at the point in my life where engagements are starting and I’m so relationship handicapped Its not even in the picture. I want to have kids but am afriad I’ll snap the same way my parents snapped around me, and fists start flyin. I’m a theology major who wonders what the heck he can add to the church. Thats why I believe in Jesus, because with him I know I can put it together. The voice that is trying tear me down is the devil, I have to name that voice and think past it. Thats the voice that says your not good enough, or youre gonna screw up. When God is the voice that says I love you, I’m still trying to learn this, and I know I’ll screw up but I have God on my side.

 

[PazFeAmor]

MA1965 I am in the same boat as well but the CROSS is good even though it is very heavy at times. When it comes to the after-affects of abuse that is a lifelong process of figuring out how to piece back together ones emotional, physical and mental well-being. It is not easy at all and I commend you for seeing a doctor about this as this is a step in the right direction.

At mass if you feel too overwhelmed to even make the sign of peace then God knows this already and if you feel like being in a corner in church or even all the way in the back then do so until at some later time you feel finally able to make the sign of the peace. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.

And concerning the Singles groups, I agree that most are concerned with dating or marriage and don’t really see single life as a vocation.

Keep up the good fight and love the CROSS.

Peace

 

[blessedstar]

I am so very sorry to hear of the life you have had to endure in the past.

But you are not your past though your past had bearing upon you, you are a fine young man with a kind and humble heart who is suffering as a result of events that happened to you and were beyond your control and were in no way your fault, this is not your ‘mea culpa’ ; you were sinned against and for that Jesus is very sorry and saddened for you.

There is no reason to believe that you will do any of those things your father did and I believe you won’t do them because you have learnt that it is no way to be. You have been forced to consider these things because you were forced to endure them, this does not mean you will do them.

A person who sits in Church and doesn’t deem themselves worthy to be there is more at rights with God than those who trot into Church and think they are worthy to be there. There isn’t one person in that Church who is worthy of being there, every last one of them is a lousy sinner with issues and problems and very sick in soul in need of healing, but Jesus has counted them worthy and so desires and draws them there by the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus desires this for you too. Some people might get to thinking they are very spiritual and holy, but you can bet a healthy dose of humility is coming their way, pride comes before a fall. No-one in that Church is better than you.

Alot of people are put off from going into Church because of the reasons you state and they may well get the impression that these people in the pews are good and holy, but I assure you spend six months in any parish and you will find out that they are people, weak and flawed, just like all other people, the difference is, is that they are striving in Jesus in their faith. So there is every place for you in the Church.

As for doing things in the Church. I think there is much you can do in the Church and the primary place to start is to pray. Nothing good is going to happen in a Church or be done well with all charity unless the people of that Parish pray. If prayer is neglected then Jesus is neglected in all efforts to do good and so the work is not blessed by God being made manifest in prayer amongst those doing ‘things’.

There is a place for everyone to use their talents in the Church and it is unimaginable for me that people with all kinds of health problems and all kinds of backgrounds should be ommitted. That does not speak of Jesus to me.

I think initially you might like not to think of doing ‘things’ straight away. It would be too much too soon. Anyone who asked you get involved in Parish activities and ‘things’ would be asking too much of a new Parishoner, people need time to find their feet and what they’d like to do as they feel called to do it. This is why I say prayer is the first ‘thing’

If I was you I’d call up the Priest and go and have an informal meeting with him and get a feel for what he is like. Talk to him about your past and talk to him about your call from God to come back to your faith. Priests love meetings like this. He’ll be so pleased to see you and will do all he can to gently ease you into the Mass and coming back to Church. If you feel the time is right make a confession at this meeting and receive the peace and absolution of Jesus.

I like to go to Mass and pray, that is what I am there for. I am not there to have a social meeting with my friends in the Parish. On most occassions I give people a friendly nod and that’s it. I do this even with people I don’t know in the Parish (mine is a huge Parish). I have been in that Parish since birth and I’m now 36. I’ve had alot of time to make friends and yes I do have friends in the Parish, but that has come over time, thank God for the kindness of friends. However when I am at Mass I am not there for hugging and kissing and going pew to pew to be buddies , the Holy Spirit didn’t draw me to Mass for that. I go to wherever I will sit, I sit down, I bow my head, I don’t look up much at all and my friends leave me alone because I am there to pray and be with my Jesus and they can see that with their own eyes can’t they! They know me, they know I am there not to socialise and they don’t take offense and they leave me be. No-one interrupts me, not one of them. You do the same. When you are ready, you make the friends when the time is right for you.

As for the single life, this is a vocation in itself, but you don’t have to be fixed just yet or be in a rush to decide what God is calling you to. Keep yourself open to where God may lead you in life in His Providence. Remain as you are for now, but you cannot know what the future holds just yet, nor how your heart will be drawn and convicted in a years time, so wait and pray and don’t worry about this.

continued

 

[blessedstar]

Personally I like the sound of you.

I think you will find what God desires will come about and He will give you every grace and blessing to bring it about, so trust in Jesus, call the Priest and be very very kind to yourself.

Jesus loves you and gives the very dearest of His friends great crosses because He greatly desires they share in His Glorious and Victorious Resurrection for all eternity partaking in His Divine Nature forever and their glory giving glory to Him, such is His love for the little humble souls who suffer a great deal. Jesus did not want you to suffer but He will take all of that darkness and awfulness and do great things with it for your peace and joy in Him forever. Jesus will heal everything and wipe away every tear and His healing begins this side of life.

You are in the Living Prayer of my life always.