Single parents with young children -- to date or not to date?

[Gertabelle]

I’m a single mom of a 5yo boy. He’s an absolute joy!

His dad is a non-Christian (fallen away Catholic) who practices Sufism. But I remember the time during his high school years when he found all his purpose in life from loving and serving God. We were civilly married for four years, then divorced shortly after I returned to the Church, and then I got a decree of nullity.

So I’m free to date, and I did try it for awhile through a couple Catholic singles sites. But working full time, being a single mom, playing the piano for church, and working on a doctorate does not leave much time for dating. I am committed to chastity and make efforts to grow in my faith daily.

In the moments when I feel the pain of loneliness, I offer my sufferings for the conversion of my son’s dad – not that he would want to remarry, but that he would again recognize and live his life with God as his source. I “place him” on the altar at every mass I attend.

So I’m good with being single, not that it’s easy, but the difficulties are opportunities to live my faith – know what I mean?

Anyway, I went to confession with a faithful priest and told him my thoughts about dating or remaining single. First he reminded me of Paul’s admonition to remain single. Then he said that I should get married so my son wouldn’t grow up to be gay. That hit a nerve because of my ex’s liberal ideas, and the one gay relationship he had in college. But I don’t honestly think that single or dual parent households have the slightest bearing on SSA in the child (and that’s a topic for a DIFFERENT thread, not this one please).

And it’s not as if I could just go to Walmart and get a husband

Other single parents of young children, have you dated? Do you consider it? Are you worried about the influence of a single-parent house (and traveling between parents’ homes) on your child?

If God wants me to remarry, I know He’ll open that door. But if you’re a single parent with small children, and you’ve dated or considered it, what are your thoughts on the subject?

Thanks!

Gertie

 

[kage_ar]

While not Catholic, it seems Dr. Laura makes sense on this topic.

Be the best mom you can be, make sure your son has good Catholic male role models in his life, and leave dating on the shelf for awhile.

 

[yellowbird]

While I’m not a single parent and have not been in your shoes, I have been in your child’s place and I can promise you that the absolute WORST part of my childhood was having to deal with the guys my Mom dated. Some were nice, some not so much but ALL seemed to take what little time I had with her away from me. And I knew straight up from an early age that SHE was the one they wanted and I tacked on as part of the deal. Her they loved, me they tolerated.

Add their kids to the mix who can’t stand me as much as I can’t stand them - and worse, they don’t like my Mom and vise versa… uggg. It was awful awful awful.

So, if it were me and heaven forbid something happened to my husband, there is NO WAY IN HELL I’d date (because dating leads to a relationship which leads to the mess I just described) and I just love my kids way too much to put them through what I went through. I would sacrifice that for them, until they are grown.

Disclaimer: I am CERTAIN there are good guys out there who end up being wonderful stepdads… but that was not my experience so I’m just speaking from what I know.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I was a single mom, and I did date.
Granted, Vivi was wee when I met my husband. But if I had to do it all again (and I may very well be), I think I would date again. But I would wait a long time to introduce your son and your boyfriend. But make sure they both know about one another. And don’t go “sneaking around”. Let your son know what you are doing. Keep him involved.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with Patience. I think it’s absolutely possible to date while being a single mom…but if it were me…I would be completely, absolutely and positively sure that the person I was dating was heading somewhere serious before introducing him to my kiids. Your son already has to deal with missing his dad, it will be equally hard bringing someone into his life that doesn’t have long term plans in mind. Granted things can go wrong in the best of situations, but I’d be extra careful before bringing a new man into his life, that’s all. Good luck to you.

 

[Trishie]

Gertie, my son dated a single mother of three, and she dated a single Dad of one, so now they’re married, with four children. And her ten year old said, “Grandma, I have to do a project for our family tree. Can I have yours and Grandpa’s family trees.” So I gave them to the dear boy whom it didn’t seem to worry in the least that I’ve only been his grandma for a brief time. And the teacher and friends say how much happier her children are. And they call my son “Dad”. And their mother says, "Go and help your father."And my son’s boy has turned from an early adult into the boy he missed out on being because he spent most of his time with adults.

Sometimes it really works. Sometimes it doesn’t though. These two didn’t expect to find someone again, and certainly not someone they delight in beyond words. May God bless them always.

And may God bless you and your son. Yes, if God wants you to go through that door, you’ll find the one who delights you, and you, him, and who will be a good father to your children.
“Amen” to your prayers for your ex.

 

[dulcissima]

I waited quite a while before I started dating. First, I waited 6 months before I left my ex, really trying to give him every last possible chance, then my divorce took more than a year, then I had the annulment to go through. All the while I went to lots and lots of counseling, and thought long and hard about what I had learned and what I wanted. On this very forum I made a pretty specific list of what I wanted. I signed up with Catholic Match, went out with one guy who was nice, but not what I wanted. I talked to some others and didn’t talk to several others who wrote.

Then I met my current boyfriend, whom I have decided fits my list, which was really random and rather eclectic, to a T. We wrote to each other for a month, then went out once, weren’t too sure, then talked for a month. The sparks weren’t there until the second date, then wow.

Anyhow, I have 4 children, aged 6 to 17. My older two are much less accepting of my boyfriend because they do not like the change in life, even when it is for the better. My younger two are really liking him and are learning a lot from him.

I do think that I am finding myself getting back to being a better mother to my kids as a result of dating him. There was so much chaos in my house as things fell apart in a big way in the marriage and with the divorce and me starting to work. I am happier now. I cook better meals. We sit down at the table for dinner now. When my boyfriend comes over we go to Mass and cook a nice meal together. We take the kids on outings to museums and historic places. He taught my youngest to ride a bike.

I waited until we had been dating in person for 3 months before I introduced him to the kids. Yes, I am the reason that he is seeing me. I would be worried if he was in it for the kids, but he cares about them because he cares about me.

That’s my experience. You might not have the personality type that loves to have someone special (in addition to your son) to care for. Something that you might want to think about though is that you might become too involved with your son, since he is the only one that you would focus on. You might not cut the apron strings when they need to be cut, and you might feel empty when he is ready to go off on his own and have a life that doesn’t center on you. I’m not saying that you will have those types of problems if you don’t date, but there is always a balance that we should be looking for.

Hoping you find the best answer that works for you. There is no one size fits all right answer that works for everyone.

 

[Viki63]

True enough that there is no one right answer for everyone.
I was a single parent for 17 years, and was miserable for awhile, until one day I realized that I did not have to be married to find things to enjoy in life.
Statistics tell us that stepparents are often abusive, which is one reason why it may be safer to wait until your son is much older to date. Also the point is well taken that you would be taking time away from your son.
There is little chance that being in a single parent home will result in a homosexual orientation, as long as your son has some adult role models in his life. Boys are able to find role models in most situations: teachers, Boy Scouts leaders(highly recommended), priests, neighbors, uncles and other relatives.
Many women find that when they stop looking for a spouse, God sends someone into their lives. As I waited 17 years, I told God he would have to supply my needs, and He did a pretty good job.
It is not easy, but life mostly isn’t easy.
Praying for you.

 

[Gertabelle]

Thanks for the prayers and advice. I’ve had a lot of friends tell me that I should get out and date, but it just hasn’t seemed like the right thing to do (or even possible with my schedule). What little time I have for socializing I’d much rather spend with friends I already know and enjoy. And the few men I’ve met I wouldn’t have introduced to my son – ever!

I was really surprised by how many single mothers there are in my parish, some who are dating, and some not. I sometimes think there’s an area of ministry missing here, one to support single parents in parenting, chastity, etc.

God bless y’all.

Gertie

 

[nogreaterjoy]

I am not a single mom, but I think the focus at this season of life should be on raising your son. Being the best model of the blessed mother for him that he can have and use the support network at church. How about seeing if one of the knights will spiritually adopt your son?? Do those "father son things with him?? Surround him with good and Godly examples of manhood.
(as a side, if all the males raised without fathers were to be gay, well there would be a huge ginormous number of gay men out there)
Just keep being a good and Godly example.
HUGS
God bless

 

[Urf]

Anyway, I went to confession with a faithful priest and told him my thoughts about dating or remaining single. First he reminded me of Paul’s admonition to remain single. Then he said that I should get married so my son wouldn’t grow up to be gay.

Uh. Well for one thing, I’d avoid taking advice from said priest too seriously.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the prayers and advice. I’ve had a lot of friends tell me that I should get out and date, but it just hasn’t seemed like the right thing to do (or even possible with my schedule). What little time I have for socializing I’d much rather spend with friends I already know and enjoy. And the few men I’ve met I wouldn’t have introduced to my son – ever!

I was really surprised by how many single mothers there are in my parish, some who are dating, and some not. I sometimes think there’s an area of ministry missing here, one to support single parents in parenting, chastity, etc.

God bless y’all.

Gertie

On the flipside, by dating, and discerning who might make a suitable spouse, your son is still young, as opposed to waiting for him to be a teen, and then…well, let’s say at that point it might get harder, because they are not as willing to accepting someone, if it is just you and him for many years. I am not saying run right out there and get yourself a man…lol I’m just saying, if you are putting off dating, because of your son’s age, your son being young right now, might be easier to acclimate a potential spouse/suitor into his life. It’s hard, either way, I know. But, I don’t believe that a person should have to remain single until children are grown…single/divorced parents just need to be chaste.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I think you should date, but wait until you feel like the relationship is going to go somewhere before introducing him to your son. Younger children are more accepting of a step-father, but if a boy doesn’t have much of a relationship with his father, very often he will accept another kind and loving male just to have some testosterone in the house.

My ex-husband lost his father at age eight. He was always pestering his mother to marry so he could have a father. His mother said that he wanted her to marry anything that wore pants.

I know of other young boys who have been in this situation who did the same thing.

I would just wait until you feel fairly certain that you are with the one, before introducing him to your son. You don’t want your son to bond with someone who will leave and break his little heart.

 

[EvelynEVF]

You might be wise to look for vocational discernment exercises, on the web or through your parish/diocese, and really seek to discover whether your calling is to be single or married.

And then once you are clear on that, you can start thinking about dating. I tend to side with those who suggest letting children grow up a bit before introducing more change into their lives, but there is a difference between actively looking for husband material, versus being involved in your parish and accepting what/whom God might drop into your life.

 

[warriorforlife1]

While I’m not a single parent and have not been in your shoes, I have been in your child’s place and I can promise you that the absolute WORST part of my childhood was having to deal with the guys my Mom dated. Some were nice, some not so much but ALL seemed to take what little time I had with her away from me. And I knew straight up from an early age that SHE was the one they wanted and I tacked on as part of the deal. Her they loved, me they tolerated.

Add their kids to the mix who can’t stand me as much as I can’t stand them - and worse, they don’t like my Mom and vise versa… uggg. It was awful awful awful.

So, if it were me and heaven forbid something happened to my husband, there is NO WAY IN HELL I’d date (because dating leads to a relationship which leads to the mess I just described) and I just love my kids way too much to put them through what I went through. I would sacrifice that for them, until they are grown.

Disclaimer: I am CERTAIN there are good guys out there who end up being wonderful stepdads… but that was not my experience so I’m just speaking from what I know.

Hey there… I am glad I read your post… I am in the same situation as the autor of this thread, and I wish her all the luck in the world!! For myself, I feel the same way you do… I never had to deal with it as a child, but I had friends that were in your spot… I would cry if I ever saw my son in that kind of dilemma… I will treasure very year I have with my boy… I know they go fast. I am lucky to have GREAT brothers, and a great brother in law that my son spends a lot of time with. I have plenty of time to date later on in in life anyway… Eventhough I will be close to 50 when he is grown, lol… Oh well… My youth was wild enough to last me a lifetime!! Too many creepy weirdos out there anyway… Again, like the author of this thread said, if God has it in store for me, it will happen!

 

[warriorforlife1]

I think you should date, but wait until you feel like the relationship is going to go somewhere before introducing him to your son. Younger children are more accepting of a step-father, but if a boy doesn’t have much of a relationship with his father, very often he will accept another kind and loving male just to have some testosterone in the house.

My ex-husband lost his father at age eight. He was always pestering his mother to marry so he could have a father. His mother said that he wanted her to marry anything that wore pants.

I know of other young boys who have been in this situation who did the same thing.

I would just wait until you feel fairly certain that you are with the one, before introducing him to your son. You don’t want your son to bond with someone who will leave and break his little heart.

Good advice!!

 

[warriorforlife1]

True enough that there is no one right answer for everyone.
I was a single parent for 17 years, and was miserable for awhile, until one day I realized that I did not have to be married to find things to enjoy in life.
Statistics tell us that stepparents are often abusive, which is one reason why it may be safer to wait until your son is much older to date. Also the point is well taken that you would be taking time away from your son.
There is little chance that being in a single parent home will result in a homosexual orientation, as long as your son has some adult role models in his life. Boys are able to find role models in most situations: teachers, Boy Scouts leaders(highly recommended), priests, neighbors, uncles and other relatives.
Many women find that when they stop looking for a spouse, God sends someone into their lives. As I waited 17 years, I told God he would have to supply my needs, and He did a pretty good job.
It is not easy, but life mostly isn’t easy.
Praying for you.

More GREAT advice!! I’m a happy single Mom (wished it had worked out, but he had bad problems, and I was young.)

 

[kyria]

I am divorced and going through the annullment process. I have two children and have been separated from my former husband for almost 3yrs.

Initially I didn’t want to date, then I did. But in the end I decided being single gave me the opportunity to focus on my children and God. My ex husband has a defacto now and I’ve seen the issues that has caused my children, so I don’t wish to add to that by introducing someone else into their lives.

It took a long time to decide to stay single. I feel that by doing so I can work for God more eventually, focus on my kids more. I don’t want to risk marrying someone again and have it not work out again. I don’t think that is fair to my children as they are only 10 and 11.

Being single also gives me the freedom to do things I wasn’t able to do when married. Like travel.

God has given me everything I need, and although it can be difficult sometimes watching others fall in love and have babies, I figure that God gave me an opportunity to know him more since I’ve been single, and I wish to focus on that relationship, and that relationship has brought me great spiritual benefits.

My children have a dad, although he has some serious issues, they don’t need at this stage another dad. Would be nice to find a nice practicing Catholic who can aid the development of their Faith, but then I made a mistake once, and I don’t wish to risk marrying someone whom I think is going to be ok and turns out not to be, and I’ve involved children again.

The only thing really I think one needs to do is stay focused on God and allow him to guide you to what path he feels he wants you to lead. For me after discernment, that was to stay single and work for God and focus on bringing my children strong in their Faith or as best I can.

Celibacy is a gift. And there is nothing wrong with leading a celibate life. There are many pros to doing so. There is nothing wrong with getting married again either, but when children are involved, it takes a lot of discernment. I put God and my children above my need to find a spouse, and if I can do something for the Church at some stage, then swapping a married life for a celibate life is, although a sacrifice, is something that also has great meaning. In the end, it has turned out for the better, for my children and for my spiritual development and relationship with God.

 

[Gertabelle]

Would be nice to find a nice practicing Catholic who can aid the development of their Faith, but then I made a mistake once, and I don’t wish to risk marrying someone whom I think is going to be ok and turns out not to be, and I’ve involved children again.

The only thing really I think one needs to do is stay focused on God and allow him to guide you to what path he feels he wants you to lead. For me after discernment, that was to stay single and work for God and focus on bringing my children strong in their Faith or as best I can.

Celibacy is a gift. And there is nothing wrong with leading a celibate life. There are many pros to doing so. There is nothing wrong with getting married again either, but when children are involved, it takes a lot of discernment. I put God and my children above my need to find a spouse, and if I can do something for the Church at some stage, then swapping a married life for a celibate life is, although a sacrifice, is something that also has great meaning. In the end, it has turned out for the better, for my children and for my spiritual development and relationship with God.

Kyria, thanks for a great post! My son has two wonderful godparents who demonstrate sacramental marriage beautifully. They have a son who’s about the same age as my son, so the two play together often, and my little one gets to spend time with his godfather. Finding a few families in my parish with boys about the same age as my son is a great way to get faithful Catholic men as examples in his life.

I agree that celibacy is a gift, albeit one that I don’t always want I have been blessed with friends who encourage me to grow closer to Christ and offer up my anguish and struggles for the conversion of those who are separated from Him. Personally, I’d rather fight for chastity than return to the pain of a life of sin.

Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers

Gertie