Sister and My Behavior

[baseballLife]

Hi CAF! I have an extremely embarrassing question. When my sister was 13 and I was 12 we were “curious” about each others bodies. We had always been close so there wasn’t much shame on our part in seeing each other naked. The problem was it didn’t stop there and of coarse we started touching and going further (no intercourse). That continued until we were 20 and 19 respectively (after I found a gf we stopped). We didn’t know how wrong it was at first but even after learning we didn’t stop b/c we got used to it. My gf has helped me rediscover my Catholic roots and I want to go to confession but I feel like this is sooooooo bizarre that I don’t know what to say. I love my sister but I’m really sorry this happened. We talked about it and realized we were ignorant kids that were stupid. She won’t go to confession (yet) but we are both happy we stopped doing that awhile ago and have forgiven each other. Has anyone had to deal with this before?

 

[CatholicServant]

Hi CAF! I have an extremely embarrassing question. When my sister was 13 and I was 12 we were “curious” about each others bodies. We had always been close so there wasn’t much shame on our part in seeing each other naked. The problem was it didn’t stop there and of coarse we started touching and going further (no intercourse). That continued until we were 20 and 19 respectively (after I found a gf we stopped). We didn’t know how wrong it was at first but even after learning we didn’t stop b/c we got used to it. My gf has helped me rediscover my Catholic roots and I want to go to confession but I feel like this is sooooooo bizarre that I don’t know what to say. I love my sister but I’m really sorry this happened. We talked about it and realized we were ignorant kids that were stupid. She won’t go to confession (yet) but we are both happy we stopped doing that awhile ago and have forgiven each other. Has anyone had to deal with this before?

Hi Baseball Life,

Never dealt with this, but God is waiting for you in the sacrament of penance - there is nothing you could tell the Priest in confession that would shock him. Go as soon as you can and receive the Graces available to you in that beautiful Sacrament. Also, pray for your sister’s conversion/reversion. Welcome home! Study and learn as much as you can about our faith.

God Bless

 

[Sacredheart1208]

My suggestion is to go to confession. No matter how embarrassing it seems the priest is their to give forgiveness, not to judge you and refuse to listen to you. Remember, the Sacrament of Confession is where we receive Jesus’ forgiveness through the priest in Persona Christi. It is a wonderful sacrament and once you are completed Gods love and mercy will flood your soul, because He is so glad that you have repented and come back to Him.

Just explain what happened, someone used to say to me “Don’t worry! The priest has heard it all!” Hope your confession goes well.

 

[Ginkgo100]

My gf has helped me rediscover my Catholic roots and I want to go to confession but I feel like this is sooooooo bizarre that I don’t know what to say.

It doesn’t matter how bizarre a sin you confess. No matter what you have, the priest HAS heard worse. And the thing is, he doesn’t even care. All he cares about is the joy of a sinner returning home! He is happy to help you get clean from the garbage in your soul, no matter what the garbage is—he does not look at it too closely. Our Lord is waiting for you to encounter him in Confession!

 

[baseballLife]

I’m not going to lie, I’m really embarrassed to confess this. Sure the priest may have heard it all but still. How many people do you think really go in there to say what I did? I’m sure not many. Also, I’m confused how upset I am over this. My sister and I made it all through HS and college without getting involved with anyone. I guess we took the attitude that since we satisfied each other there was no need to get it elsewhere. Part of me realizes the sin in this but I also feel like I protected my sister from getting involved with some guy that didn’t care about her feelings and abandoned her. I wouldn’t do that to her. This is just really confusing.

 

[russet1]

Hi CAF! I have an extremely embarrassing question. When my sister was 13 and I was 12 we were “curious” about each others bodies. We had always been close so there wasn’t much shame on our part in seeing each other naked. The problem was it didn’t stop there and of coarse we started touching and going further (no intercourse). That continued until we were 20 and 19 respectively (after I found a gf we stopped). We didn’t know how wrong it was at first but even after learning we didn’t stop b/c we got used to it. My gf has helped me rediscover my Catholic roots and I want to go to confession but I feel like this is sooooooo bizarre that I don’t know what to say. I love my sister but I’m really sorry this happened. We talked about it and realized we were ignorant kids that were stupid. She won’t go to confession (yet) but we are both happy we stopped doing that awhile ago and have forgiven each other. Has anyone had to deal with this before?

You need to go to confession as fast as you can. Confession can be embarrassing but God already knows what has happened and the priests personal opinion is not even relevant. It is Christ Himself you meet in the confessional.

We didn’t know how wrong it was at first but even after learning we didn’t stop b/c we got used to it.

I take issue with this part. I think you were kids. BUT you did know it was wrong. Knowing incest is wrong is one of the things God writes on the human heart. How in the world did you hide it if you had no idea it was wrong?

One thing else. This is exactly the slippery slope of sexual permissiveness that the homosexual agenda pushers have been creating. The next time someone states that homosexuals do not hurt anyone, just think of this.

 

[russet1]

Part of me realizes the sin in this but I also feel like I protected my sister from getting involved with some guy that didn’t care about her feelings and abandoned her. I wouldn’t do that to her. This is just really confusing.

This part of the post shows that while the behavior has stopped, the issue is still very much a problem.
The damage you did to your sister is worse than a THOUSAND guys that would abandon her.
If you are still struggling with that type of justification for your sin, you need to seek help beyond the confessional as well.

 

[Aloysium]

You would also benefit from psychotherapy.
There are all sorts of negative feelings associated with this type of behavior: difficulties with sexuality and trust, anger, guilt, hate, shame. Lots of people engage in self-harm activity.

I will pray that God will help you and your sister to resolve your issues.

btw: where were your parents!!!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Hi baseballLife,

Tell me if the following sounds familiar: there is something that happened in your past – before this sexual relationship between you and your sister – that hurt you badly. You didn’t know how to face this pain, and you didn’t want to face it. But, instinctively, you knew that God wanted you to face the pain. So when you ran into the arms of your sister, you were running from God.

Or maybe – and this is a bit like something that happened to me – when you and your sister were innocently naked together, some authority figure found you and they were absolutely shocked. You began to feel shame, and this shame was VERY hard to handle.

Every time you think about doing the right thing, you find this shame staring you in the face, telling you that what you did was unforgivable, that you are unlovable, that you are unworthy of forgiveness. You hate this feeling, so, in order to make it go away, you look to sexual pleasure. The forbiddenness of the relationship with your sister made it all the more appealing: since it buried you under more shame, it made your favorite drug more and more necessary for you.

Here is the important message, though, brother: There is another way. God loves you, He adores you. He is searching for you, even now. Don’t be afraid! You are a long way from being the person you need to be, but that is OK. God is your Daddy, and He will patiently bring you back home.

Here’s what you need to do: you need to find some older man who you trust, who will work with you through this. Confession is critical, but on its own, it won’t get you past the shame. You need to talk through this, at least once a week, with someone. Perhaps a priest, a Christian counselor, I don’t know – but remember that God is in charge of this process, and He will be helping you find someone.

The other thing you need to do is pray. I’m dealing with besetting sexual sin, and I’ve been told to pray an hour every day, just listening to the Lord. God wants you to know his love for you. He wants to know that you are His son, that He has chosen you despite your sin. He wants you to feel the pain of your childhood, and the pain of your sin – but NOT to feel it as shame. He wants you to be sad, not guilty.

Jesus took the “guilty” judgment for you, bro. You are not guilty anymore. But you need to humble yourself before God, and man, before you will begin to feel freedom again.

You might want to read Romans (especially 5-8) for God’s perspective on all this. Many good men, even saints, dealt with this sort of thing. God does not find the sin of incest somehow special, or shocking, or any such thing. It’s ordinary. Here’s what is extraordinary: a young man having the courage to confront his pain and his sin, and to choose God instead.

Blessings! I’m praying for you!

 

[baseballLife]

This part of the post shows that while the behavior has stopped, the issue is still very much a problem.
The damage you did to your sister is worse than a THOUSAND guys that would abandon her.
If you are still struggling with that type of justification for your sin, you need to seek help beyond the confessional as well.

Well I’m not going to point a finger but she being older approached me about this. I was curious so I wasn’t going to refuse but she kind of took charge. I am not however looking to continue this behavior. Its over and we both agreed to that.

You would also benefit from psychotherapy.
There are all sorts of negative feelings associated with this type of behavior: difficulties with sexuality and trust, anger, guilt, hate, shame. Lots of people engage in self-harm activity.

I will pray that God will help you and your sister to resolve your issues.

btw: where were your parents!!!

Don’t really have those feelings except shame. Our parents were usually quite busy and left us alone in the den while they were up stairs working. At 13 and 12 you really aren’t supervising your kids as much.

This part of the post shows that while the behavior has stopped, the issue is still very much a problem.
The damage you did to your sister is worse than a THOUSAND guys that would abandon her.
If you are still struggling with that type of justification for your sin, you need to seek help beyond the confessional as well.

I don’t want to justify it as I want to confess it. The thing is sometimes people have above average libido as I think my sister does and its not easy for them to control it. What we did was not good but I think it was less harmful than her being used like a toy and discarded. I would never discard my sister and I always cared about what made her feel good more than what felt good for me. Most guys wouldn’t have cared.

 

[baseballLife]

Hi baseballLife,

Tell me if the following sounds familiar: there is something that happened in your past – before this sexual relationship between you and your sister – that hurt you badly. You didn’t know how to face this pain, and you didn’t want to face it. But, instinctively, you knew that God wanted you to face the pain. So when you ran into the arms of your sister, you were running from God.

Or maybe – and this is a bit like something that happened to me – when you and your sister were innocently naked together, some authority figure found you and they were absolutely shocked. You began to feel shame, and this shame was VERY hard to handle.

Every time you think about doing the right thing, you find this shame staring you in the face, telling you that what you did was unforgivable, that you are unlovable, that you are unworthy of forgiveness. You hate this feeling, so, in order to make it go away, you look to sexual pleasure. The forbiddenness of the relationship with your sister made it all the more appealing: since it buried you under more shame, it made your favorite drug more and more necessary for you.

Here is the important message, though, brother: There is another way. God loves you, He adores you. He is searching for you, even now. Don’t be afraid! You are a long way from being the person you need to be, but that is OK. God is your Daddy, and He will patiently bring you back home.

Here’s what you need to do: you need to find some older man who you trust, who will work with you through this. Confession is critical, but on its own, it won’t get you past the shame. You need to talk through this, at least once a week, with someone. Perhaps a priest, a Christian counselor, I don’t know – but remember that God is in charge of this process, and He will be helping you find someone.

The other thing you need to do is pray. I’m dealing with besetting sexual sin, and I’ve been told to pray an hour every day, just listening to the Lord. God wants you to know his love for you. He wants to know that you are His son, that He has chosen you despite your sin. He wants you to feel the pain of your childhood, and the pain of your sin – but NOT to feel it as shame. He wants you to be sad, not guilty.

Jesus took the “guilty” judgment for you, bro. You are not guilty anymore. But you need to humble yourself before God, and man, before you will begin to feel freedom again.

You might want to read Romans (especially 5-8) for God’s perspective on all this. Many good men, even saints, dealt with this sort of thing. God does not find the sin of incest somehow special, or shocking, or any such thing. It’s ordinary. Here’s what is extraordinary: a young man having the courage to confront his pain and his sin, and to choose God instead.

Blessings! I’m praying for you!

This was probably the most helpful post here. Thanks!

 

[russet1]

I don’t want to justify it as I want to confess it. The thing is sometimes people have above average libido as I think my sister does and its not easy for them to control it. What we did was not good but I think it was less harmful than her being used like a toy and discarded. I would never discard my sister and I always cared about what made her feel good more than what felt good for me. Most guys wouldn’t have cared.

This is problematic and an indicator of abuse. The fact that you think you were doing something good for your sister is something that needs to be addressed immediately. I do not think you are on the correct media to get the advice and help you need. Please seek professional help.
I have notified the mods that a poster is arguing that incest with his sister was better for her than the alternative. I guess we will let them decide.

 

[Aloysium]

. . . Don’t really have those feelings except shame. Our parents were usually quite busy and left us alone in the den while they were up stairs working. At 13 and 12 you really aren’t supervising your kids as much. . .

The ground work is done at least a decade earlier.
Like you said, your parents were usually quite busy - doing what? obviously not looking after the needs of you and your sister.
With kids of any age, when they are not in the room and you hear silence, it’s time to make sure everything’s good.
I’m not saying that one can blame one’s parents for one’s actions, but seriously, where was their guidance?
And when you and your sister were seeing each other naked and feeling no shame, no one said anything about modesty?

 

[Phil_Marinus]

When you have sinned , a sin which you feel embarrassed and ashamed about…

sometimes even going to confession may not even help......

because you must first forgive yourself....  hope that is not confusing to understand...

once you can forgive yourself , then it’s easier to move on…

most of us have done things we feel shame about… I know I have had that…

it’s what makes us human… humans can be a dumb naive bunch …

But god already Knows that… so first go to confession, and begin to forgive yourself…

Does your sister feel the same as you… feeling the Guilt ?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

This is problematic and an indicator of abuse. The fact that you think you were doing something good for your sister is something that needs to be addressed immediately. I do not think you are on the correct media to get the advice and help you need. Please seek professional help.
I have notified the mods that a poster is arguing that incest with his sister was better for her than the alternative. I guess we will let them decide.

Two things about this post, in all due respect:

(1) I think the OP implied that incest was better than the alternative because this is a rationalization he is making to himself. It isn’t somehow awful that he had this thought, but it is, of course, false. I suspect it’s a lie that he’s being told by powers of darkness that are desperate to make him think that “he’s a pretty decent chap, and doesn’t need to repent.” He is not making arguments that incest is OK. Notifying the mods about something like this seems to be missing the point.

(2) Comments like yours, however well-intended, would be more proper in addressing unrepentant sinners. The OP is seeking to repent, even though – like most sinners – he is confused about the gravity of his sin. I don’t think his sin is evidence of some deep derangement; it’s just evidence that he, like many of us, are in need of some pretty deep spiritual healing. When this healing does not come, bad things are prone to happen.

 

[Ginkgo100]

I’m not going to lie, I’m really embarrassed to confess this. Sure the priest may have heard it all but still. How many people do you think really go in there to say what I did? I’m sure not many. Also, I’m confused how upset I am over this. My sister and I made it all through HS and college without getting involved with anyone. I guess we took the attitude that since we satisfied each other there was no need to get it elsewhere. Part of me realizes the sin in this but I also feel like I protected my sister from getting involved with some guy that didn’t care about her feelings and abandoned her. I wouldn’t do that to her. This is just really confusing.

Actually I was just reading something (completely unrelated to this thread) that suggests that this kind of behavior is much more common than people realize. So probably quite a few people go in there to say something like that.

You’re upset about it because sin damages us, especially sexual sin. There is healing available for you. If there was some good drawn out of it, it’s not surprising, because God draws good out of evil and sin. That does not make the sin less bad. If the sin had not been there perhaps she would still have been protected, but also protected from the sin.

Don’t let pride keep you from a life of grace. It’s pride, the sin of Satan, that keeps us from sharing everything in the confessional. Find a place where you can be anonymous, if it helps, but have the attitude that you will accept the little “crucifiixion” of admitting it out loud to another person. You are admitting it only to Jesus; the priest is just the mouthpiece and will probably just forget it anyway (priests speak of a “blessed forgiveness” around the confessional). You’re in my prayers.

 

[Aloysium]

. . . I think the OP implied that incest was better than the alternative because this is a rationalization he is making to himself. It isn’t somehow awful that he had this thought, but it is, of course, false. I suspect it’s a lie that he’s being told by powers of darkness that are desperate to make him think that “he’s a pretty decent chap, and doesn’t need to repent.” He is not making arguments that incest is OK. Notifying the mods about something like this seems to be missing the point . . .

I suspect that this story is more complex than it appears on the surface

• it may be more than a rationalization - perhaps it was something his sister told him to keep him in the relationship
• and those impressions of other guys, where did he get those? By far, most young men I have known are decent people. Was his sister seeking out the types that he fears. Are they projections of his own feelings, “I love my sister, they would use her.” Is it his own anger that is projected out.
• his older sister, who should have looked after him, actually sexually abused him - was she acting out her own history of sexual abuse? why so hypersexual? where are the boundaries? the natural shyness?

I’m saying all this because I am certain that there are emotional problems both predisposing and as an outcome of this behaviour. They may not be acknowledged for fear that there would be repercussions if the story is divulged.

I would counsel the OP, if things aren’t sorted out after confession, that he consider psychotherapy.

 

[russet1]

Two things about this post, in all due respect:

(1) I think the OP implied that incest was better than the alternative because this is a rationalization he is making to himself. It isn’t somehow awful that he had this thought, but it is, of course, false. I suspect it’s a lie that he’s being told by powers of darkness that are desperate to make him think that “he’s a pretty decent chap, and doesn’t need to repent.” He is not making arguments that incest is OK. Notifying the mods about something like this seems to be missing the point.

(2) Comments like yours, however well-intended, would be more proper in addressing unrepentant sinners. The OP is seeking to repent, even though – like most sinners – he is confused about the gravity of his sin. I don’t think his sin is evidence of some deep derangement; it’s just evidence that he, like many of us, are in need of some pretty deep spiritual healing. When this healing does not come, bad things are prone to happen.

The OP is a big boy. he knows what he said. Lets let him clarify.

OP:
Is it your contention that you were helping your sister by engaging in an incestual relationship with her? That incest is healthier and better for her than multiple partners that are not related to her? You were protecting her from harm?

This type of justification shows a problem with being repentant. There is a difference between saying “I know the Church says this is wrong so I will confess” and “I sinned unjustifiably so and I confess.”

Regardless I think ALL posters would agree that there could be some HUGE issues here that need professional help. And that the OP needs to be encouraged to seek that out in an appropriate place to deal with this problem and that that appropriate place is not strangers on the internet offering physiological advice.
Now I will bow out of this thread and take a shower…

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Regardless I think ALL posters would agree that there could be some HUGE issues here that need professional help. And that the OP needs to be encouraged to seek that out in an appropriate place to deal with this problem and that that appropriate place is not strangers on the internet offering physiological advice.

Agreed. Although I would say that the help being “professional” is less important than the help being expert. Speaking of myself, I saw a very qualified Christian psychologist for a number of years, and it didn’t help free me from sexual sin. What has helped is the dedicated help from a wise Catholic man who conquered this stuff, and the consistent help of a men’s group which holds me accountable.

Professionals, however otherwise qualified, don’t always know how to fight spiritual battles.

 

[baseballLife]

Lots of comments here. I just wanted to say know what we did was wrong and there were better ways my sister and I could have protected each other. We both know this and both accept that. We have no intentions of continue the physical acts so its a moot point.