Sister in trouble

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cutecathchic

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HELP! my sister is 26 yrs old just graduated college got a job and bought a home. but recently she found out that she is pregnant by her boyfriend who is 27 has a 5yr old son by another woman and who has no job and no car and lives at college as he is still going to school. he has been going to college for 9 yrs now and has not graduated yet. they are planning to get married and my sister wants me in the wedding but i dont know if she is doing the right thing by marrying this man just because she is pregnant. its a bad situation to begin with but i think marrying this man may only make it worse. should i support her no matter what since she is my sister or should i tell her that i have reservations?
 
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cutecathchic:
should i support her no matter what since she is my sister or should i tell her that i have reservations?
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How can you support her without sharing your concerns?

Just politely smiling and nodding and going along with someone is not support.

True support would be sharing your concerns and your wisdom. Give her a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on. She might be getting married just because she thinks she “has” to.
 
I’m trying to figure out a tactful way for you to ask her if she’s ready to assume full responsibility for three kids, because that’s essentially what she’ll be doing. Besides her own child, she’ll be legally and financially responsible for her husband (who is obviously not ready to grow up yet) and likely for his daughter as well.

If he’s been in college for 9 years and is still not done, what are his finances like? My husband’s 25-year-old sister recently called off her own wedding. She had been with this young man since high school, and they were planning to marry after she finished her master’s degree this May. They started college at the same time seven years ago, and while she is nearly done with a grad degree and already has a good job and a nice apartment, he is still in undergrad with only about 60 completed credits on his transcript (120 is usually the required number of credits for a 4-year undergrad degree). Apparently his debt is astronomical, and he had no plans to finish school before the wedding so that he could move to where she lives and works (his school is two hours south of her home), although this was the only thing she had asked him to do with regards to wedding prep. His father got both of them together and confronted them with the realities of this young man’s situation- besides the finances, there was the fact that he had failed all of his classes for the previous semester and that there was nearly an arrest warrant issued for him, as a result of unpaid tickets that the father had to cover. After a lot of thought and heartbreak, my SIL realized that she couldn’t go through with this marriage. It had too many strikes against it from the start, plus she would then be completely financially responsible for him and would likely be enabling him in his immaturity.

I will pray for your sister and your family. This is a tough situation.
 
You need to tell your sister how you feel. You can’t make that decision for her, it’s up to her but voice what you feel in a loving manner.
 
Is your sister planning to marry in a Catholic Church? Has she been through pre-Cana? Has she talked to her priest?

Marriage is a sacrament, and it’s forever. While the baby deserves both a mother and a father, marrying simply for the sake of being married probably will not work. And yes, the needs of the 5 year old are important too. This is a very tough situation and the fact that she is going to have the baby and take on that responsibility shows character, fortitude, and grace, IMO. Someone who has those attributes is capable I think of hearing your loving doubts and considering the situation from all the angles, prayerfully.

She and you are in my prayers.
 
My sister was involved with a guy that could never keep a job, had a daughter by another girl and never took responsibility for her. Then my sister got pregnant and they were living together with no intentions on marrying. I told her what I thought about the whole situation but she continued to do what she wanted. A few years after my sister had her baby I found some things were going on with her boyfriend and I had him set up and arrested. This situation may be a little different than yours, but you probably love your sister as much as I do mine and I did not want her to get hurt anymore than she already was. Tell your sister how you feel and even if she does marry this guy you will know that at least you tried. In the meantime pray she will make the best decision for herself, and just be there for her. God bless you!
 
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OldStNick:
How long has she known this guy?
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they have been dating for about a year now and are planning on getting married in las vegas actually. i am worried that she is acting irresponsibly even though she seems to be doing the right thing my marrying the father of her unborn child.
 
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cutecathchic:
they have been dating for about a year now and are planning on getting married in las vegas actually. i am worried that she is acting irresponsibly even though she seems to be doing the right thing my marrying the father of her unborn child.
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If she is Catholic and getting married in Las Vegas in a wedding presided by anyone but a Catholic priest, you (as a Catholic) should not be in the wedding. Please check out similar situations that were asked and answered on the “Ask an Apologist” forum. Or pose the question on the forum.

If you are feeling as uncomfortable about this situation as you seem to be now, you will feel even worse if you are in the wedding and the marriage breaks up later. Pray about this situation and talk to a priest. Encourage her to speak to a priest. At the very least, you need to share your concerns with her and encourage her to consider other options. You can (and should) politely decline to be in the marriage (especially if it is not in a Catholic Church), yet continue to love and support her no matter what she does.
 
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cutecathchic:
they have been dating for about a year now and are planning on getting married in las vegas actually. i am worried that she is acting irresponsibly even though she seems to be doing the right thing my marrying the father of her unborn child.
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This story sounds like a tired plot line for a sit com pilot. Whatever you call it–it certainly doesn’t suggest “forever.”

By all means support you sister through her pregnancy which she thankfully is not terminating. If you live close to her, help her in tangible ways to minimize stress, (as much as is possible with her situation) exercise with her, go with her to her check ups at the doctor’s office, help her out with cleaning/yardwork at her new home and encourage her to rest and get good nutrition.

But with respect to her relationship/proposed marriage there seems to be a big disconnect between her level of accomplishment and self-sufficiency and the pattern of this loser she is dating. His impact on her seems to be to drag her down to his level instead of complimenting her talents and bringing out the best in her.

In these situations, sometimes it’s more productive and less alienating to ask probing questions instead of preaching, ranting or foisting your opinions on your sister. Ask her specifically what qualities and values traits would she ideally want in the man she plans to marry…as a husband…as a father. Does she intend to stay married forever? Does she want to be home with her children? Does her current boyfriend share these values? Can he support her choices–emotionally, financially? Can she respect his choices/values on issues where they disagree?

It will become painfully obvious that this current dolt is not the partner she imagined or intended for herself or her unborn children–not because you’re telling her, but because you’re leading her by your questioning to her own conclusion. Perhaps this man will grow up at some point–but I can imagine how you could support a marriage until he demonstrates a change in his character. Pregnancy is never in and of itself a reason to marry if the partners are incompatible. Don’t let her turn one mistake into a lifetime disaster.
 
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cutecathchic:
… should i support her no matter what since she is my sister or should i tell her that i have reservations?
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You should support her with the love of a good sister and NOT attend any wedding of a Catholic outside the Church. This specific situation does not sound healthy for your sister. While she is apparently prepared to become a mother, the man she is with, from your description does not sound like he’s ready to be a mature father. And that they plan on starting their marriage outside the Church also does not bode well. Do you realize that in the eyes of the Church they would not even be in a valid marriage.

For you to go would be supporting a lie. I know. I, after much soul searching have had to decide not to attend my brothers wedding when he determined he definitely would not be having a priest officiate. I’m heart broken, most of the family don’t understand what I think I’m doing, but I know that I can’t pretend that it’s OK for them to enter into a long term commitment to live together without the blessing of the Church and no intention of getting the blessing of the church.

Know that I’ll be praying for you,

CARose
 
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