Sister is alcoholic?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Kamcee
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

Kamcee

Guest
This forum was so helpful to me in the past I thought I’d ask for Catholic advice right here. I’ll try to make this as brief as possible. I’ve not had a great relationship with my sister my whole life, but it has gotten worse as adults. We’re very different - I was always studious and somewhat insecure, and she was the typical “mean girl” in school. I’ve been married 27 years and she has flitted from relationship to relationship, living with her last boyfriend for 3 years. That ended badly. I’ve tried to support her over the years, giving her advice and money when she’s asked, and she was nice to me for as long as it took to secure the money then ‘poof’ she’s gone.

Her last relationship ended horribly about 4 years ago and she has spiraled since. She doesn’t visit on holidays and birthdays. The last time we saw her on a holiday was a few Christmases ago. She drank so much she threw up in the guest bed. When I do hear from her it’s always confrontational. She’s always trying to provoke an argument, usually about politics. She called me a few months ago at night completely drunk, cursing at me for some article I posted on Facebook. It was benign - just about the right to try act whereby dying patients can try experimental drugs. I had it - I told her I wasn’t putting up with her abuse any longer and hung up. The next day I apologized but told her again I was tired of her constantly attacking me, and I was not going to put up with it. She didn’t apologize. She never does. A close friend of hers confirmed that she is always angry. I was surprised to hear they hadn’t spoken in 4 years. She is isolating everyone.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I had not seen her in a year. Me, my husband and my sister were taking my 81 year old mother out for her birthday. My sister walked in and my heart sank. She looked TERRIBLE. She was bloated and looked like she had just rolled out of bed. My father died alone as an alcoholic, so I know that look. She barely spoke to me and is obviously still mad at me for finally sticking up for myself a few months ago.

I called out sick today and spent an hour in the Adoration chapel praying for her. I pray for her all the time - Rosaries, Chaplets of Divine Mercy. I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what I ever did to her. I forgive her, but that doesn’t mean that I need to be a doormat whenever she needs to kick the proverbial dog. I wouldn’t dare to try to offer her advice - as my husband said I’d probably get a hand to my face.

Besides prayer I’m not sure what else I can do. I feel so guilty, but I’m not sure why. We have a small family and she’s my only sister. I feel like she is going to end up just like our father - dead in a dirty apartment. Any advice is appreciated.
 
Last edited:
I’m so sorry.

There’s very little you can do without her wanting to help herself. I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs. Don’t give her any more money.
 
Kamcee said:
She didn’t apologize. She never does.
Click to expand...
This is the single most insurmountable obstacle to legitimate functional relationship (other than something extreme like physical violence). I’d leave it at praying for her, personally.

Unless she’s said she recognizes a problem and wants to stop she’s not going to unless something changes.
 
Kamcee said:
I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what I ever did to her.
Click to expand...
You didn’t do anything to her. She has a disease.

I suggest you get into an Al-Anon program. They can help support you through this.
 
I definitely wouldn’t try to give her any kind of advice unless she asks. But I’m not sure what exactly you’re asking for here either. I don’t know if you already know her story and why she’s made a mess of things.

Are you thinking that she is looking like she is close to death, and you want to prevent it? Or are you looking to bury some hatchet?

It doesn’t necessarily sound like she’s an alcoholic. It sounds like she has some kind of issue. I don’t know if you know what that issue is.
 
I do think she’s an alcoholic. Because I went through the many stages of alcoholism with my father, I know what it looks like. She is not close to death yet, but unless she changes she is on a dangerous road. Also, at the very least she is agnostic, maybe worst case an atheist. I worry about her soul. I guess I was just looking for (name removed by moderator)ut as to what I can/should do over and above prayer.
 
Boy do I agree with you on this! I have a family who never apologizes. I had to learn about the importance of an apology when I got married to a “normal” guy. You can forgive someone, which is an act of the will, but true reconciliation cannot occur without contrition.
 
This.

An alcoholic must get to the point where they want to help themselves. They leave a path of destruction in their wake as far as those who love them are concerned. Pray for her. When she speaks to you again tell her that her drinking is a problem and you won’t entertain it. Offer her help as in getting her into a rehab program and that’s about all you can do, It’s a case of tough love for you at the moment.

Does she have children
 
Last edited:
No no children. She’s never been married either. So thank goodness there are no children. She and I were “those children”. We were raised by 2 alcoholics and it’s no fun.
 
It’s not fun, you moved on from that. You left the issue of alcoholism and are now living your life. She is not. There is an argument for genetic issues with drinking.
 
Kamcee said:
This forum was so helpful to me in the past I thought I’d ask for Catholic advice right here. I’ll try to make this as brief as possible. I’ve not had a great relationship with my sister my whole life, but it has gotten worse as adults. We’re very different - I was always studious and somewhat insecure, and she was the typical “mean girl” in school. I’ve been married 27 years and she has flitted from relationship to relationship, living with her last boyfriend for 3 years. That ended badly. I’ve tried to support her over the years, giving her advice and money when she’s asked, and she was nice to me for as long as it took to secure the money then ‘poof’ she’s gone.

Her last relationship ended horribly about 4 years ago and she has spiraled since. She doesn’t visit on holidays and birthdays. The last time we saw her on a holiday was a few Christmases ago. She drank so much she threw up in the guest bed. When I do hear from her it’s always confrontational. She’s always trying to provoke an argument, usually about politics. She called me a few months ago at night completely drunk, cursing at me for some article I posted on Facebook. It was benign - just about the right to try act whereby dying patients can try experimental drugs. I had it - I told her I wasn’t putting up with her abuse any longer and hung up. The next day I apologized but told her again I was tired of her constantly attacking me, and I was not going to put up with it. She didn’t apologize. She never does. A close friend of hers confirmed that she is always angry. I was surprised to hear they hadn’t spoken in 4 years. She is isolating everyone.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I had not seen her in a year. Me, my husband and my sister were taking my 81 year old mother out for her birthday. My sister walked in and my heart sank. She looked TERRIBLE. She was bloated and looked like she had just rolled out of bed. My father died alone as an alcoholic, so I know that look. She barely spoke to me and is obviously still mad at me for finally sticking up for myself a few months ago.

I called out sick today and spent an hour in the Adoration chapel praying for her. I pray for her all the time - Rosaries, Chaplets of Divine Mercy. I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what I ever did to her. I forgive her, but that doesn’t mean that I need to be a doormat whenever she needs to kick the proverbial dog. I wouldn’t dare to try to offer her advice - as my husband said I’d probably get a hand to my face.

Besides prayer I’m not sure what else I can do. I feel so guilty, but I’m not sure why. We have a small family and she’s my only sister. I feel like she is going to end up just like our father - dead in a dirty apartment. Any advice is appreciated.
Click to expand...
When you are dealing with an alcoholic, you must never cede any ground, because if they ask for an inch and you are nice enough to give them a foot, they will complain it is not a yard. Also, never apologize if you are right. This is the only way to protect your boundaries.
 
I also agree with Al-Anon. I’d also recommend you consider Adult Children of Alcoholics given that your father had a similar problem.
 
My uncle was an alcoholic for at least 30 years. The last 15 years were extremely rough for him. He wanted to change but never fully recovered. Sadly, the alcohol destroyed his body 🙁
 
It’s a terrible disease and touches almost everyone in some way. Through lots of prayer and therapy I’ve come out ok. I knew how it was going to end for my father, but I never thought it would repeat itself with my sister. Addicts are always the victims in their minds, and are by extension always right. My sister is ‘always right ‘. You can’t reason with someone like that, or, sadly, have a meaningful relationship. God bless you all for taking the time to respond to me. It means so much.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top