Sister is miserable and I'm getting frustrated

[LynnieLew]

I love my sister so much. She is over thirty, single and starting her career over in a very big city where she doesn’t know anyone. That takes guts and I don’t know that I could do that.

We have always been inseparable. My problem is that whenever I talk to her she has something negative to say-about everything. It is always someone else’s fault, she’s the victim, people stink, she got the short end of the stick, etc. She has been like this for years (on the more negative side) but it is getting worse and it is affecting our relationship. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her choices. For instance, she got a less than stellar review at her internship and she was mad and said it was becasue they weren’t giving her good enough directions. This could be true but I have seen the same pattern for years.

What do you do when someone says they are miserable and doesn’t do anything about it?

Whenever I make suggestions in light of a complaint she makes she shoots it down immediately. And hey, it isn’t easy for me to be Suzy Sunshine.

I want to be supportive because I love her so much. I am really proud of her because she gets straight A’s in school and has a lot of talent. At the same time I see so many choices she makes which are hurting her.

Any thoughts? I know we can’t make people change but how much do I listen? I (and my other sister) are going bonkers!

Trying oh so hard to be joyful!

 

[Brenda_V]

You say she has always been like this - have you noticed any pattern to her negativitiy? Like more negative at certain intervals? As we age those of us with severe PMS just get worse

Something else to think about is perhaps she just needs someone to listen. Have you ever wanted to just talk about something going wrong in your life (or for that matter, something going right?) and all you wanted was a good ear? Someone to just listen. I know I do and it is often my husband who gets to “just listen”. He has gotten pretty good at it too, unless I ask him specifically what I should do, he just nods his head and makes noises like he is listening and when he does this I often figure out what to do myself.

Oh, and you don’t have to be joyful for her. Let her be sad, just listen and then let it go. Say you will pray for God’s will in her life and let it go, don’t you hang onto her problems.

Brenda V.

 

[LynnieLew]

Brenda V.:

Something else to think about is perhaps she just needs someone to listen. Have you ever wanted to just talk about something going wrong in your life (or for that matter, something going right?) and all you wanted was a good ear?
Brenda V.

I totally agree with you! Listening is key! I must admit that I am a really good listener. I will stay on the phone for a long time with her just to let her vent or keep her company.

I’m pretty certain this isn’t a PMS thing, I should have clarified-I meant pattern as in year after year. I am a counselor (yes, we need advice too) and I am 99% positive she has some Depression (and she was told by professionals as well). She doesn’t want to see anyone though.

It isn’t so much that she is just negative, it almost seems like that is her personality. Does that make sense?

You make an excellent point about knowing when to listen and when not to give advice, etc.

Thank you so much for your point of view. And thank for the reminder not to take it all on myself. My other sister and I have the tendency to do that.

 

[BlestOne]

One thing to remember…if you do give her advice, it is still her choice to make and you shouldn’t get offended if she shoots your ideas down. If your advice is almost always contrary to what she does, it is very possible that she isn’t telling you everything that is going into her decision making process. I really get the impression that whether she is depressed or not she just wants to vent to you not have you solve her problems for her. Just be her friend not her counsellor, when she is ready to get help she will listen to your advice about it. Most of all, pray for her, that is the best love gift you can give to anyone.

 

[dhgray]

LynnieLew:

I know we can’t make people change but how much do I listen? I (and my other sister) are going bonkers!

Hi Lynn,
Youre love for your sister though this stage of her life will speak volumes to her when she wakes up. Be strong and faithful. As for you question, we CAN’T make them listen anymore than we can change them. They will hear what they want to hear and call the rest a lie. One way to reach your sister is to get involved (and get her involved) with a strong Catholic Christian Singles Ministry. I recommend CFC-Singles for Christ. The have a very strong group in NYC.
Check them out at: SFCNYC.org <-click here

 

[Giannawannabe]

LynnieLew:

I love my sister so much. She is over thirty, single and starting her career over in a very big city where she doesn’t know anyone. That takes guts and I don’t know that I could do that.

We have always been inseparable. My problem is that whenever I talk to her she has something negative to say-about everything. It is always someone else’s fault, she’s the victim, people stink, she got the short end of the stick, etc. She has been like this for years (on the more negative side) but it is getting worse and it is affecting our relationship. She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her choices. For instance, she got a less than stellar review at her internship and she was mad and said it was becasue they weren’t giving her good enough directions. This could be true but I have seen the same pattern for years.

What do you do when someone says they are miserable and doesn’t do anything about it?

Whenever I make suggestions in light of a complaint she makes she shoots it down immediately. And hey, it isn’t easy for me to be Suzy Sunshine.

I want to be supportive because I love her so much. I am really proud of her because she gets straight A’s in school and has a lot of talent. At the same time I see so many choices she makes which are hurting her.

Any thoughts? I know we can’t make people change but how much do I listen? I (and my other sister) are going bonkers!

Trying oh so hard to be joyful!

Is your sister single? Perhaps she is becoming more negative because she is not happy with her station in life. Maybe she would like to get married and have a family, but it just isn’t happening for her?
My family happens to be very negative. Very critical of others. I have to fight this tendency daily. If this is her personality, she has to WANT to change it. I have found, recently, with much work, that I have become more charitable towards others and have really lessened my critical/negative ways. I am much, much happier
She may not realize how negative she sounds to others—it might be your job to point it out. Why don’t you pray about it? Then, when the time seems right, bring it up. It might be all that is needed for her to change this about herself.

 

[LynnieLew]

Giannawannabe:

Is your sister single? Perhaps she is becoming more negative because she is not happy with her station in life. Maybe she would like to get married and have a family, but it just isn’t happening for her?
My family happens to be very negative. Very critical of others. I have to fight this tendency daily. If this is her personality, she has to WANT to change it. I have found, recently, with much work, that I have become more charitable towards others and have really lessened my critical/negative ways. I am much, much happier
She may not realize how negative she sounds to others—it might be your job to point it out. Why don’t you pray about it? Then, when the time seems right, bring it up. It might be all that is needed for her to change this about herself.

You are very perceptive. Yes, she is single and has wanting nothing more than to get married and raise a family. She doesn’t date, I mean at all. She says she can’t meet anyone but rarely goes out of her apartment other than work and school. She wanted to join a catholic dating service and we gave her money to do that at one point. But according to her no one was good enough, good looking enough, etc.

During a calm discussion I asked her if she felt called to the religious life. She said “absolutely not!”.

I am concentrating on praying. I try not to give unsolicited advice and be supportive.

It really sounds like you understand the negative/critical nature. It isn’t just a set of behaviors but rather a personality. I too have had to fight that.

You make some great points! Thank you!

 

[LynnieLew]

BlestOne:

One thing to remember…if you do give her advice, it is still her choice to make and you shouldn’t get offended if she shoots your ideas down. If your advice is almost always contrary to what she does, it is very possible that she isn’t telling you everything that is going into her decision making process. I really get the impression that whether she is depressed or not she just wants to vent to you not have you solve her problems for her. Just be her friend not her counsellor, when she is ready to get help she will listen to your advice about it. Most of all, pray for her, that is the best love gift you can give to anyone.

Thanks!
I actively try not to use “conselor mode” on her. I mostly listen but occasionally will point out incongruities of her statements.

I am pretty much at the point where I know she will tune me out if I give her ideas. I just want her to be happy. I will definately still let her vent. If nothing else, maybe the burden she is carrying will be lessened.

Thank you!

 

[dhgray]

LynnieLew:

She wanted to join a catholic dating service and we gave her money to do that at one point. But according to her no one was good enough, good looking enough, etc.

You sister make a very valid point. SHE SHOULD NOT SETTLE. When she meets the right guy, the Lord will put it on her heart that that is the one. Until then, she should focus a relationship with the Lord. CFC-Singles is not a dating service, but rather a ministry geared towards the spiritual growth of single men and women. It by chance they meet their soul-mate in the ministry, PRAISE GOD! but that should never be a reason for joining any group.

God Bless,
Davis
SFC - Illinois Area Leader

 

[LynnieLew]

dhgray:

You sister make a very valid point. SHE SHOULD NOT SETTLE. When she meets the right guy, the Lord will put it on her heart that that is the one. Until then, she should focus a relationship with the Lord. CFC-Singles is not a dating service, but rather a ministry geared towards the spiritual growth of single men and women. It by chance they meet their soul-mate in the ministry, PRAISE GOD! but that should never be a reason for joining any group.

God Bless,
Davis
SFC - Illinois Area Leader

I completely agree with you on not settling.
I think there comes a point where you have to put yourself out there so that you can meet people. At that point I do believe God will lead you toward the path which He desires.

We should be open to the people Christ puts in our life. Just because someone doesn’t have a career that is “white collar” does not mean they wouldn’t be a loving spouse and father. My husband was working in a warehouse when I met him. He is now a computer programmer, which allows me to stay at home with the kiddos.

I have sent that website link to her. It sounds like a great organization, one similar to where I met my husband. Thank you!