Sister that has torn the family apart by selfish lying and manipulation!

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Galilea

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Is this just in my family or has any of you had to deal with such a situation, where a sibling just starts selfishly lying and manipulating situations to the point where the whole family gets torn apart?
I can’t remember when this started or how it started, but one day I realized that my oldest sister was manipulating my mother against my brother and against other family members. I tried convincing my mom of how wrong this was and for her to stop my sister. Well my hand got bitten! My sister found out and started manipulating my mom against me, and the scariest thing, is that she is really good at it. There is no actress in hollywood right now, that can play roles like my sister can.
We used to be a close family, that went to church together and served the Lord. But after my dad died, I guess she wanted to make sure that all the inheritance went to her, so she started on against my brother, because he was living peacefully with my mom. She even accussed her husband of horrible things, just so that she could get a divorce and go live with my mom. She made my brothers life a living hell until he could not take it anymore and left a year ago. To this day he does not call my mother, he is so hurt that mom just does not acknowledge the damage she has caused. Now my mom is sick and in bed, she has asked me to move close to her, to help her in her illness. I have not lived close to my family in many, many years, because I detest behaviors like such. I live a peaceful marriage, a tranquil-prayerful life, I adore my mother and with all my heart want to care for her, but I’m fearful of what this woman is capable of doing. My own aunts have told me not to move there, they tell me how angry she is about me moving there and that she will make sure that I will not stay there long enough.
How do I protect my marriage from all this inferno? How do I care for my mother and deal with a sick human being at the same time? I have started taking medication for anxiety and panic attacks, because I do not know what to decide. Do I stay in the peace that I live and protect my spirituality and marriage and neglect caring for my mother? Or do I risk it all for my obligation to my mother and jump in the middle of this inferno gambling it all?
I had no idea, the Lord would give me such a hard cross. I know there are people that have it worse, but when dealing with possesed people, is very dangerous. My brother is now an alcoholic because of all the pain he suffered in this same situation.
Can someone please give me some advise? It is the first time in my life, that I do not know what the right decition is. I wish the Lord would meke it clear for me, I always want to do what pleases Him. This is making me physically sick.
 
Pray for your mother. Call her often and visit her when you can, but don’t move there. You have an obligation to your husband over the obligation to your mother. If you feel your sister will cause your marriage to have problems and your mother refuses to address the problem of your sister, then you should protect your marriage even if it means caring for your mother less.

Your sister may be unkind and manipulative, but she lives with your mom and is fully capable of caring for her. It is not right for your mother to ask you to care for her when she will not make an environment less harmful for all the members of her family who really care about her.
 
Thankyou so much for your words. I am just afraid of feeling guilty later. When dad died, we were in the military life and I suffered his death greatly. The truth is, that I am confused about what the bible says about caring for our parents. I am torn apart about not knowing what is my biggest responsability, my marriage or my parent. If my sister were not like this, it would be so much easier. But you are right, my mother has nurtured my sisters’ ill behavior and it is why my brother is so hurt. I actually believe that this horrible way of living is what ended up making my mom sick. For years she supported my sisters bad behavior, they gossiped about people, had bad feelings for good people of the family etc. It was all sooo negative for so long, that someone was bound to fall ill. To this day no doctor can tell us what has caused my moms illness. She lost function of her legs, hands, her intestine hardly works etc. Symptom after symptom, and no doctor can understand what is wrong with her…and my sister “God Bless Her” because I love her, but she gives me the creeps, something in her is twisted all the way to her soul. Because she feels no remorse for the things she does. It scares me how she does not fear the Lord.
 
You could bring your mother to stay with you, to care for her in your own home.
 
Galilea said:
I am torn apart about not knowing what is my biggest responsability, my marriage or my parent.
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Your greatest responsibility is your spouse. You are married to your husband. There is no sacrament binding you to your mother until death.
 
If your sister is living with your mom, then your mom is being cared for. I understand your feeling that you should “honor your mother” but honoring her does not mean neglecting your own family to care for her when that part is already being covered. It might be different if she had no one else.

Call, write, send her cards. Pray for her. If the physical care is really getting to be significant, maybe help your sister get some help at home, like a home health aide to assist with showers and such. Those logistics and arrangements can be done from a distance.

My brother is caring for our mom in his home. Granted, there are no strained dynamics between us, so in some ways its a lot different. But twice a year I fly out to stay with mom for a few days so my brother can take a respite vacation. Yes, he is the one who volunteered for “taking care of mom” duty, but the everyday caretaking does take its toll on the caregiver too.
So maybe something like that would be possible? That way you can be involved with her care, feel like you are doing something positive to help her, but still not get sucked into the craziness.

I will pray for you.
 
kage_ar said:
You could bring your mother to stay with you, to care for her in your own home.
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My mother refuses to leave her home, another sister tried convincing her to move in with her, but there was no way around it.
Thanks anyway for taking the time to share some advice.

I’ve been thinking this morning about what Jesus said. “I did not come to unite, but to divide.” I think this is what has happened to my family. In order to follow Christ, one can not just be catholic, go to mass once in a while and at the same time gossip about people, do and say mean spirited things. There has to be a whole life style change!!! There were times, when I detested calling home, because all I would get was an un-ending conversation of negative gossip, mean spirited assumptions about people, etc. By the time I would hang up, I felt horrible, sad, and if I would “dare” to let them know it was wrong of them to do this…“FORGET ABOUT IT”. I would immediately become their new victim. It amazes me, that we did not grow up like this, this all happened when we became young adults. They seem to me, like possesed-like, like I do not know these new people, they are not the ones I grew up with. All I can do is pray, pray and be careful not to become full of “myself” either, thinking that I’m any better than them. I think for the first time in my life, I’m handing this one over to the Lord. Admit I have failed in the helping of converting them, ask the Lord for forgiveness, and pray, pray for reparation. It is all I can do.
 
I would offer my DM to care for her, but only in my home away from sister. I would first talk to my DH about it. My DM lives in the same situation that you are in. She, too, has a sister that just seems to always want to be manipulating everyone. Sad thing is that she was not like this before…maybe just a little bit.
The only difference is that my grandma realized that she was wrong and decided to stop being manipulated by my aunt.

She, too, was becoming ill and as soon as she (my grandma) decided to put a stop to my aunts manipulative character towards her, she all of a sudden became much much much better.

I will pray for you.
 
I really appreciate the prayers…Lord knows I need them. No wonder the bible says…“If your right eye makes you sin, take it out. If your right arm makes you sin, cut it off.” What bothers me most about the situation, is that in dealing with them, It drives me to sin. The frustration becomes so overwhelming, that I feel like Jesus did. I just want to bring out the whip and break away all that nastiness they create. But I have to somehow keep a distance, so that I do not get tangled into this web. I do not want to see myself, as the good one, or right one, because it is my ego getting big.
 
Has your mom been to a neurologist? Also would she consider therapy (emotional and spiritual)? These are two areas I’d have her explore. I personally have an inherited form of neuropathy that doesn’t get better or worse, but when I’m stressed, it plays its toll on me where my feet react or my hands aren’t able to grab. It’s very weird but from my understanding (based on what the neurologist told me) very normal. Sometimes they can’t grip, sometimes they tingle, sometimes the swell beyond normal, sometimes they are almost like frostbite even in warm temperatures (same goes for my feet), and sometimes they are just plain, old, numb. Stress definitely plays a huge factor in the symptoms.
 
I must watch too many crime shows. My immediate thought upon reading this thread is that the sister is poisoning the Mother. I really hope not. It unfortunately fits- one member of the family works to disconnect relationships has been concerned about inheritance.That person gets a mysterious illness . See if you can call the doctor and have your Mom tested for various toxicity.
 
Seatuck said:
I must watch too many crime shows. My immediate thought upon reading this thread is that the sister is poisoning the Mother. I really hope not. It unfortunately fits- one member of the family works to disconnect relationships has been concerned about inheritance.That person gets a mysterious illness . See if you can call the doctor and have your Mom tested for various toxicity.
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You have an excellent point here. I would not take any chances. The sister is already distant and mad at you, so might as well do what you got to do to have your DM checked. I mean, how much more mad can your sister get? If its to the point of murdering, then you got a serious case here. You must act ASAP.
 
Greetings my sister! Your family sounds very much like mine. Oldest sister manipulating mom’s affection and relationship with everybody else…

For your own mental health and for your marriage I would not move, but offer to let mom move. If sister is living with mom, I don’t see the need for mom to ask you to move… she already has a caregiver.

Pray for your sister…and your mom… better yet… get a bunch of nuns to pray for them… they don’t quit till they get what they want!!! 😃
 
That is a really good idea, Blest. There are convents full of nuns still, all over the world, who still pray-some for a small donation will pray on a consistent basis. Here’s a helpful batch in Boston:
yhst-23562211788064.stores.yahoo.net/
I understand how you feel, more than you know. I am the eldest of seven. I have two sisters who won’t speak to me. One has been married and divorced 4 times, but it’s somehow my fault this happened.
 
gmarie21 said:
Has your mom been to a neurologist? Also would she consider therapy (emotional and spiritual)? These are two areas I’d have her explore. I personally have an inherited form of neuropathy that doesn’t get better or worse, but when I’m stressed, it plays its toll on me where my feet react or my hands aren’t able to grab. It’s very weird but from my understanding (based on what the neurologist told me) very normal. Sometimes they can’t grip, sometimes they tingle, sometimes the swell beyond normal, sometimes they are almost like frostbite even in warm temperatures (same goes for my feet), and sometimes they are just plain, old, numb. Stress definitely plays a huge factor in the symptoms.
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It has been an up hill battle with the doctor visits, because my sister pretty much decides which doc. mom will see and which one “not-necessary” in her opinion. But this happens because mom is blinded over my sister, she trusts her, because she is the oldest and it is kind of Puerto Rican tradition, that the oldest child becomes the boss 🤷 . Anyway my moms’ youngest sister, has seen clearly the manipulation that my sister has been pulling and was able to convince my mom to go to her own doctor. There they did toxicity tests and the doctor has determined that it has been the “emotional poisoning” that has hurt her. So now they are sending her to a pshychiatrist for follow up. My aunt, God bless her, has been a great help, she has no children of her own, so she has the time to sneak around when sis is not there and do things for the good of my mother. My sister has tried to separate mom from her sisters, but my aunts have put up a big resistance to my sisters’ manipulation. I pray the phychiatrist can read through the whole thing, but my mom knows my sisters’ manipulative ways and covers up for her. So who can break a vicious cycle like that? Only our Good Lord.

Thanks for the comments. This is the first time in my life, where a situation confuses me and I do not really know the correct answer or decision. What I do feel is a sense of peace, when I tell myself “Don’t go there, stay here away from that madness”. Peace automatically sets in my soul when I think like this, but the guilt of not caring for my mother, is the one that gets to me. The thing of not knowing if I am supposed to carry that cross all the way, pan and all.
 
Seatuck said:
I must watch too many crime shows. My immediate thought upon reading this thread is that the sister is poisoning the Mother. I really hope not. It unfortunately fits- one member of the family works to disconnect relationships has been concerned about inheritance.That person gets a mysterious illness . See if you can call the doctor and have your Mom tested for various toxicity.
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:confused: Sadly one of my aunts and I talked about this, we did not dare mention the poisoing thing, but her lack of interest in taking mom to the correct specialists or other follow up visists. So my aunt took advantage that sis was not feeling good herself and was able to take mom to her own doc., and they did a toxicity test. Doc. sent mom now to a phychiatrist, he told my aunt that the vicious cycle her and my sister have built, has probably made her physically sick.
I pray to God that the phychiatrist breaks through all the layers of pain, these women have created for themselves. I grew up with a holy woman. My mother was sooo loving and caring to us, Never in a million years I would of thought, she would get trapped in a web lie this. My fathers’ passing is what made her emotionally dependent on my sister. My brother was really close to mom, but he did not see my sisters’ bite comming, and she somehow got in there after the divorce, tore the family apart and somehow manipulated mom into thinking"You are only safe with me":eek:
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
That is a really good idea, Blest. There are convents full of nuns still, all over the world, who still pray-some for a small donation will pray on a consistent basis. Here’s a helpful batch in Boston:
yhst-23562211788064.stores.yahoo.net/
I understand how you feel, more than you know. I am the eldest of seven. I have two sisters who won’t speak to me. One has been married and divorced 4 times, but it’s somehow my fault this happened.
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Thankyou both for this great info. Prayer is what this family really needs. When I get frustrated by the whole situation, I go days without praying, because I feel like a hypocrite or unworthy. I talk to the Lord about the way I feel, I keep Him in mind all day. But I feel embarrased to pray rosaries or novenas, because of the pain and frustration I feel inside.
I will look into this. God bless you
 
Galilea said:
Thankyou both for this great info. Prayer is what this family really needs. When I get frustrated by the whole situation, I go days without praying, because I feel like a hypocrite or unworthy. I talk to the Lord about the way I feel, I keep Him in mind all day. Then you ARE praying!!! But I feel embarrased to pray rosaries or novenas, because of the pain and frustration I feel inside. But those are the times you need to pray them most.

My husband was recently in the hospital for a month, almost died, pretty young (54) and we have two young school-age kids. I could not pray novenas. I could not get through a full decade of the rosary first. I got down to where I did the starting Our Father on a decade, and literally took the prayers of the Hail Marys with me through the day. I never made it to the Globry Be, just strings of Hail Marys. I did get other people to pray for me. The woman who runs my husband’s favorite political web site had convents and monasteries all over the world praying for him. I had people praying for me at CAF. I had other family members who were talking to me pray.
I will look into this. God bless you
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Write letters to your mother; she will see that you care, and at the same time you won’t appear at all secretive or threatening to the sister. Even if you can’t repair the whole situation, I’m sure you’d like to make sure that your mother knows you are thinking about her. Perhaps you could even say in one of them that you are glad she has your sister to take care of her; might diffuse the tension a little and show that you are open to reconciliation.
 
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