Sister's marriage is troubled - any insight?

[LongingForLight]

Pardon the length, this is complicated.

My sister’s marriage is troubled, and I was wondering if anyone here can help me understand what is happening. The problems she and her husband are experiencing are in very different areas than where DH and I have struggled. I know there are people who have been through similar issues on this forum, who might be able to help me understand what she is going through.

The basic problem is that her husband has a pornography addiction. Apparently it is so severe that he will sort of “black out” and not realize what he is doing when he sits at their computer. My sister knew that he had struggled with pornography for years, but thought he had licked the habit a few years back. Now she is finding out that he has been looking at pictures on the computer for hours when she is not home. She works days and he works nights so they can homeschool their daughter - their other two children are too young for school. Their daughter is excelling academically, but they are still planning on putting her into private school next year because of this issue.

He definitely understands why pornography is wrong and feels horrible about what he has done (and maybe is still doing - I didn’t feel like it was my place to track his progress so much as to talk my sister about her own side of things). He is a bit lazy and unmotivated, but otherwise is a great guy who really loves his wife and wants to make things right, as near as I can tell. Obviously I’m not married to him, so I’m just giving you what I know from my own knowledge of him and what his wife said. Unfortunately, the damage has been done. His wife is suffering deeply, feeling unloved and unworthy. Past hurts from relationships with other men have been reopened, and she is having a very hard time coping with the pain. Trust has been shattered. From what she said, her husband hates himself for what he’s done to her but is truly enslaved by an addiction. She believes he really wants to do the right thing. Knowing this doesn’t really help the hurt. She still feels like she wasn’t good enough to keep him from wanting other women instead of her.

The effects on her are what most trouble me right now: She has confessed to me that she is not eating well, and she knows it is related to their marriage problems. It is severe enough that it may have been a partial or total cause of her recently born daughter’s failure to grow that required induction at 37 weeks (the baby seems to be completely healthy now - I haven’t heard of any problems nursing from my sister’s eating habits). Furthermore, she let the guys at work know that she is having marriage difficulties (after her husband sent her flowers to apologize, which had the side effect of making the problem visible unfortunately). Her workplace is mostly guys, including her boss. Now there are two people showing interest in her, she says, and one is . . . her boss. She is feeling very flattered by their attention and by the way they clearly appreciate her looks. She does realize that the attention she really wants is from her husband, but it sounds like she has been leading them on and is having trouble deciding to change her behavior. When I asked her if she wanted to behave differently and was making the decision to handle things differently, she did say “yes”. However, she didn’t react much to my suggestion that she get a seperate room instead of sleeping on the floor of a one-bed hotel room during an out-of-state conference with her boss. I know she doesn’t plan on making a big mistake, but she’s risk-taking in a way she never would if she had a healthy marriage - and she wouldn’t be the first vulnerable woman to err in a moment of weakness that she didn’t plan.

She and her husband are in marriage counseling, and it seems to be helping. The counselor seems to have caught what is going on with her and the guys at work, and has let her know very subtly that she is setting herself up for problems there - but is focusing on the husband’s problem mainly. I don’t think he knows that she is not eating well. I have suggested that she mention it to him, but again got a “non-reaction” suggesting that she wasn’t planning on taking my advice.

I mentioned to her that there are support groups for wives of men with pornography addictions, and she reacted in a very strong, negative way. I’m not so sure why she is so strongly against a “wives support group”, but didn’t press the issue.

Can anyone give insight into this situation? Either into pornography addiction, or into the experiences and feelings of a wife who has been hurt by her husband in this way?

Also, can you please offer up prayers for them and their family?

Thank you.

 

[LaLucia]

My advice is to be kind to your sister and stay out of her lousy marriage problems because she does have a therapists in helping her and her husband resolve their issues.

All you can do is pray for her and pray for her husband to let go of his addiction.

Don’t bother being worried about them because there is nothing you can do to fix their problems because you are not a therapist.

 

[kage_ar]

They need a CATHOLIC therapist and good solid Spiritual Direction.

First and foremost, this is a sin problem. Sin can become addictive, that is the nature of sin. Unless they both grasp this, he will keep wallowing and making up excuses (blacking out and not know he is doing it, that is really a good one!) and she will keep looking a blind eye.

I’d suggest she get the computer and Cable TV and any devices with internet access out of her house today. Cut off the source this garbage has into her home. Would she keep an open sewer pipe in the living room?

Next, protect her kids. They should never be exposed to this. If he is home masturbating, the kids need to be with her or with a trusted babysitter.

 

[proudnifi]

Would she be open to some individual counseling? Something that is 100% supporting her needs might be helpful (marital counseling is different, of course). If you bring it up, I would try to avoid suggesting it’s because she has something wrong with her since she probably feels that way already (you wrote she feels she was lacking something her husband got elsewhere). I’m sure you are already trying to support her; I’d keep that up as much as possible since her self-esteem sounds damaged. You are right to worry about this leading a person to look for validation in all kinds of places.

 

[LongingForLight]

I don’t feel comfortable just “staying out” of this situation, for a couple of reasons. First, my sister doesn’t have anyone else to talk to but me - and the guys at work. Personally, I’d rather she talk to me. Second, I think it really helps when going through a rough time to have someone pointing out the obvious: Look for the positive, pray on it, try to work through this, divorce is hard on kids, take care of yourself, get some sleep, etc. I’m not trying to be a therapist - just a friend. Shutting her out now seems like a really bad move, since we’ve always been very close (well, since growing up; we fought like cats-and-dogs as young kids). And if I’m going to be listening to her, I want to be prepared.

I need insight mainly because it’s so hard for me to clamp down on my judgementalism towards both of them. I know they are both good people, and this doesn’t prove that they are bad - just that sin is tempting even for good people. I also know my sister is “testing” our relationship a bit by trying to make herself sound bad, and probably worse than she is - she did this as a teen during some rough spots where her self-esteem was hit badly. It’s the same things kids do with moms, and I may very well be the closest thing she has to a mom in many ways.

kage_ar:

They need a CATHOLIC therapist and good solid Spiritual Direction.

Thank heavens they have a great counselor. I haven’t really pushed on bringing a priest or spiritual director into this (I did mention it briefly a few times), partly because of their religious struggles right now, and partly because I wouldn’t be shocked if even a priest says “it’s no big deal” - we have a big issue around here with the leftovers of the sexual revolution in the priesthood. If I knew a specific good priest in their area, I would definitely encourage her to get in touch. Maybe I’ll encourage my sister to talk to a friend she has in religious orders to see if she can recommend a good spritual director. At least their counselor is Catholic, and takes pornography very, very seriously. Both my sister and my BIL recognize that this is a sin, and the religious aspect is a large part of my conversations with my sister.

kage_ar:

I’d suggest she get the computer and Cable TV and any devices with internet access out of her house today.

I suspect getting rid of the Internet isn’t an option, as their daughter needs the computer and Internet for her homeschooling and the parents need it to search for work (in this area, most jobs have online applications). I doubt they have cable TV.

My DH suggested putting a filter on their computer (he doesn’t know the full situation, just enough so he understands why I am stressed about this and can support me). This might be the best middle-ground, since my BIL isn’t tech-savvy enough to get around the filter.

kage_ar:

the kids need to be with her or with a trusted babysitter.

Unfortunately, they can’t afford this. Part of the reason my sister is so stressed is because she wants to stay home now and can’t. To the best of her knowledge the kids don’t know about this yet, but she and I both know that parents can’t tell how much their kids pick up.

proudnifi:

Would she be open to some individual counseling? Something that is 100% supporting her needs might be helpful (marital counseling is different, of course).

I’ve suggested this in the past, before she opened up with the whole story. Maybe she’d be more receptive now that I understand more, but I’m dubious.

She’s very concerned about money right now. She both wants to be able to maybe stay home with the kids someday, and also wants to be able to leave her DH if he doesn’t overcome this problem before it impacts her daughter (or son - the daughter is older, so she’s more concerned about her). The idea of spending money on individual therapy, especially since she’s had some really bad experiences with therapists in the past, is really not one she can embrace right now. However, she might be willing to discuss the idea of individual counseling with their current counselor and see what he has to say . . . that might be a better tack. Just encouraging her to bring it up to him.

 

[LongingForLight]

I wanted to add - my main goal with this thread is not to come up with advice for her (although there are some great ideas here, and I will be passing some of them on if the right opportunity presents itself).

My goal is to hear from people who have been through this, on either side, so that I can listen more open-mindedly from a position of understanding compassion. Like I said, my marriage hasn’t had problems in this area. I definitely have some hardness of heart towards both of their struggles right now that I’m fighting.

I’d also especially appreciate any stories of couples who went through these kinds of problems and got things to work out in the end. I feel like both of them are suffering from a loss of hope, and would love some encouraging, true, but anonymous experiences to pass on.

 

[John21652]

They need a CATHOLIC therapist and good solid Spiritual Direction.

First and foremost, this is a sin problem. Sin can become addictive, that is the nature of sin. Unless they both grasp this, he will keep wallowing and making up excuses (blacking out and not know he is doing it, that is really a good one!) and she will keep looking a blind eye.

I’d suggest she get the computer and Cable TV and any devices with internet access out of her house today. ** Cut off the source this garbage has into her home.** Would she keep an open sewer pipe in the living room?

Next, protect her kids. They should never be exposed to this. If he is home masturbating, the kids need to be with her or with a trusted babysitter.

She can always password protect the computer, denying him total access. She can then open it when the kids need to use it. As kage_ar wrote, would she keepm an open sewar pipe into the living room? This particular one, the computer, is easily blocked.

 

[Rascalking]

If it’s that bad, get a therapist.

The kids don’t need to be removed from the house or anything-that’ll only mess them up more, unless he begins to blatantly exposing them to it. Removing them from the household would be a wildly rash action.

Tell her to be careful about liking the attention from other men. Nothing at all wrong with as long as it ends there, but- You don’t want to realize your on a slippery slope when your at the end of it and she’s about to have an affair.

Tell them to get a therapist-and using the “money” excuse may not be valid. If something is critical, and needs immediate attention-it’ll get done regardless of money.

 

[LongingForLight]

I doubt my sister knows how to password protect a computer - but DH or I can do it for her next time we are down there. In the meantime, she is taking the keyboard with her to work.

They are getting counseling together . … I don’t know his credentials exactly, but so far he seems to be giving good advice. But I do wish my sister would seek some individual help as well, for herself. She did go talk to the counselor alone once, which I was glad to hear.

However, she is now talking about seperating at the beginning of next month. She wants me to watch the older children for her. I’m having trouble guessing if it will help or harm if they seperate. I think it comes down to her attitude. If she is seperating with the intent of that seperation being the vehicle for healing (e.g., if she thinks it will help her DH understand how serious the problem is), then I think I support it. But I think I’m afraid that she sees it as a “trial divorce”. She is already making a few plans with me for “after the divorce”.

 

[Onedayatatime]

The counseling makes perfect sense. There are also good online counseling services such as www.settingcaptivesfree.com. It might be a little late for that based on the posts that I see here.

Praying for you all …

 

[John21652]

I doubt my sister knows how to password protect a computer - but DH or I can do it for her next time we are down there. In the meantime, she is taking the keyboard with her to work.

They are getting counseling together . … I don’t know his credentials exactly, but so far he seems to be giving good advice. But I do wish my sister would seek some individual help as well, for herself. She did go talk to the counselor alone once, which I was glad to hear.

However, she is now talking about seperating at the beginning of next month. She wants me to watch the older children for her. I’m having trouble guessing if it will help or harm if they seperate. I think it comes down to her attitude. If she is seperating with the intent of that seperation being the vehicle for healing (e.g., if she thinks it will help her DH understand how serious the problem is), then I think I support it. But I think I’m afraid that she sees it as a “trial divorce”. She is already making a few plans with me for “after the divorce”.

If your sister is taking the keyboard to work with her, then there must have been some imoact on the husband. Are you aware of any? Has he argued with her over it? Has he gone and bought himself another keyboard? Or, is he just accepting of what she is doing? i’d say the sooner you can get there and password protect the computer, the better.

I have another thought. You state the husband has a porno addiction. Then your sister announced to her work colleagues what the situation is and her own behaviour has become risky. Could it be that his porno ‘addiction’ and her turning to her workmates are both symptoms of an unhealthy relationship to begin with? if that is the case, then a therapist focusing on the pornon addiction would only be treating a symptom and not the cause. The porno might be his ‘out’ for not dealing with whatever ails the relationship. If your sister then decides to seperate, the problems may be exacerbated. In other words, he will become more and more locked into his ‘addiction’ and her behaviour might become more and more risky. The extra hurt involved with seperation may only serve to reinforce the already obvious negative behaviours.

 

[LongingForLight]

So, my sister had the conversation w/ her DH and her counselor, and . . . it went well! It might just be a temporary respite, but apparently the idea that his wife has a seperation date really was the jolt he needed to take this seriously. He’s started reading through Christopher West’s books, and is in a recovery program.

He is also apparently going forward with his plans to do RCIA this next year.

The kids are going into a Catholic private school for at least one year next year.

My sister just sounded so much more full of hope again. And I’m relieved to hear that this was all it took to get her to quit thinking about a future that involved divorce, and start thinking about a future with him again. I guess she was just feeling hopeless about her husband taking everything seriously.

I doubt the drama is over permanently, but I am glad everyone seems to be moving back towards a future as a united family again for at least the time being.

 

[John21652]

So, my sister had the conversation w/ her DH and her counselor, and . . . it went well! It might just be a temporary respite, but apparently the idea that his wife has a seperation date really was the jolt he needed to take this seriously. He’s started reading through Christopher West’s books, and is in a recovery program.

He is also apparently going forward with his plans to do RCIA this next year.

The kids are going into a Catholic private school for at least one year next year.

My sister just sounded so much more full of hope again. And I’m relieved to hear that this was all it took to get her to quit thinking about a future that involved divorce, and start thinking about a future with him again. I guess she was just feeling hopeless about her husband taking everything seriously.

I doubt the drama is over permanently, but I am glad everyone seems to be moving back towards a future as a united family again for at least the time being.

That’s fabulous. Let’s hope and pray it does last.