Sisters problem? Is this normal

[anon98328916]

Sisters problem, this normal?
I have two older sisters who are married with children and I cannot understand there behaviour. Myself and a few friends are going on holiday in September and when I told my sisters I was going on holiday they weren’t excited for me and I felt they were begrudging me. I feel so hurt as I am so good to my nieces and nephews and I have taken there kids to concerts for them when they couldn’t take them and they didn’t even give me any money for it. I feel like they take advantage and don’t really care about what I do but when they need me for something I have to do it. I am afraid to say anything because it would lead to an argument and they are both close with each other, I don’t want to fall out with them but I just feel so used. Should I distance myself from them? If I do that I won’t see my nieces and nephews as much or should I say nothing? Also one of them have no respect for our mother who has always been so good and caring and is always there for us. I have began to pray that their hearts will soften and I really just want them to respect their own family especially our parents.

 

[Lorelei12]

I’m not really understanding what the problem is here. You want to distance yourself from your sisters because they didn’t act excited enough for you?

If you feel that you are doing too much for them, you can just stop doing it. You do not have to babysit, unless you want to.

 

[EasterJoy]

While I don’t quibble with whether your sense of hurt is “legitimate,” it is a better spiritual habit to pass over perceived slights as a penance in reparation for our own sins of blindness and our own self-centeredness of heart. When someone hurts your feelings by failing to rejoice with you in your good news or failing to be a consolation in affliction, use that as a reminder to open your eyes and look around at those you have slighted in a similar fashion. Don’t worry, they’re out there.

Be good to your mother yourself, and do not concern yourself with judging your sisters about how they treat her. I mean to actively avoid that, if you want to be a comfort to her. The best thing you can do for a mother is to accept her children because you love her, noticing their virtues yourself, assigning them with the best possible motives towards her, and allowing her to be the one to correct them. That is a comfort to a mother.

As for your sister’s failure to congratulate you on good fortune that they can’t share because of their state of life, take their cue and stay low on the radar about these things. You are, after all, talking about fun events that they aren’t invited to join. That is usually not done unless a third party asks to hear about it. For instance, if you were in sports and your friends who weren’t in sports were able to go on some trip that you can’t go on because you’re in sports, they’d be more thoughtful if they avoided talking about it around you any more than necessary.

In the case of your sisters, if they ask you to babysit and you either don’t want to or can’t because you have something fun going, the answer is, “I’m sorry, but I have plans.” Don’t tell them what the plans are. They don’t need to know that, and you shouldn’t invite them to see your plans as an “excuse” they can quibble with by telling them what your “excuse” is.

What if your sisters call up and say, “Are you doing anything on such-and-such a date?” People do this because they want to have a claim on your time for what they have in mind. They essentially trying to get you to commit to “yes, I’ll come” or “no, I cannot come” before you know what the invitation will be, because of course it is harder to back out when you say you have nothing going. Make it your habit to answer this question with, “Why do you ask?” without letting on what plans you do or don’t have. It is on the person proposing something to just get out and propose it; they don’t have the right to paint the person they are inviting into a corner before letting them know what the invitation is. Does that make sense? If you always ask, “why do you ask?” whether you have anything going or not, then you aren’t giving away your situation by asking. If you only use that when you know you have nothing going, they’ll catch on to that. You may as well just tell them what is on your schedule, hand them the pencil and say, “Here. You fill in my social calendar. What I do with my time is up to you.” (Which is fine, if you want to do that–but know what you are choosing and don’t resent that they take you that way!)

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not really understanding what the problem is here. You want to distance yourself from your sisters because they didn’t act excited enough for you?

If you feel that you are doing too much for them, you can just stop doing it. You do not have to babysit, unless you want to.

Yes. Don’t do extra stuff for people that makes you feel resentful. (See Martha and Mary.)

 

[raggie]

you need to think it out very carefully before distancing yourself from your sisters , you have no reason to feel bad about them not being excited for you , it might be just how they are , maybe unable to show there true emotions , distancing yourself would in my mind be a step to far , god bless you , i hope it works out favourably for you ,

 

[LongingSoul]

You ask in your thread title “is this normal”? Well maybe not normal but common to families where this dynamic of older marrieds and younger singles occur. I know that I am guilty of taking my younger sister for granted when we were younger. She had admiration and respect for me as her older sister and liked to help me out based on that and at the time I didn’t appreciate that aspect.

Hopefully things will come full circle for you though as they have for us. Now that my sisters children have come to the city where I live to go to Uni. I am able to do things for them and keep an eye out so that she has peace of mind.

 

[Sunbreak]

If you feel like you are doing too much for your sisters, you can limit the time you are available to do things. Just tell them you have other plans, and it’s not a lie even if all you plan to do is stay home and read.
Cutting them out of your life because they weren’t enthusiastic about a trip you are taking? Why would you do that if you have had a good relationship with them .It seems like such a minor thing. They may envy you that you are free to take such a trip and they can’t. I had an older friend that once told me she had been feeling envious when I came up to see her and her husband. He had dementia and she could not leave him alone in the house. So, even though I was visiting them and was with them most of the time, she felt envious that I could come and go as I pleased to visit some other people too, because she couldn’t do that anymore.

 

[Cricket2]

I would not distance myself. I would also continue keeping a good relationship with the kids. If their moms want to “back off” or become distant that is their problem to bear.

Don’t feel guilty about having a holiday and stop depending on their approval or worrying about their disapproval concerning this. It is your business, not theirs. I am always baffled with sibling jealousies like this. My mother simply did not permit it when we were kids, and so as adults it has never been a significant problem. We have never been “put out” by each others abilities to do something or have something that we might not have or be able to do. If anything, we tried to make sure if someone was less fortunate we would include them if we could, sacrifice something so we could all share in an experience…etc.

People need to get over the idea that as siblings everyone should have the same opportunities, life experience or even luck. Life does not work that way. Jealously and envy are ugly sins. Do your best to be humble about what you can do, but don’t feel guilty because someone else is jealous about it.