Situation with Our Mother

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sdcath69

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I am seeking advice on a situation that I know is just around the corner. About six months ago my mother had no place to go so we took her in. She is currently using my daughter’s room. Our daughter, who is about to turn five, is currently sleeping with us (my wife and I) in our bed since my mother moved in with us which has been about six months now. Our daughter is starting to hint that she wants her room back which we will have to give back to her. The problem is that we live in a small three-bedroom house so there will not be any room (we have a 12 year-old son). I have two other siblings, a brother and a sister, and they are unwilling/unable to take her in. My sister lives in a six-bedroom house on the east coast and my brother in a two-bedroom apartment and is about to get married. Space wise, I am the least capable of having my mother continue living with us. My sister is in the best position since she lives in a large house. However, she lives on the east coast close to our relatives on my father’s side who do not like my mother (my mother and father are divorced) so that will be a bad situation. My brother has an extra bedroom but because he is getting married he will not take her in. One interesting thing he told me is the he talked to a priest about this situation and the priest absolutely refused to marry him and his fiance if my brother allowed our mother to live with them. Not sure on the reasoning on that one.

Also, I think I need to add alittle more background to this situation. A couple of years ago my mother sold her apartment and out of the money she got she gave my brother 30K, my sister 15K, and myself 15K. With the rest she bought a mobile home but eventually sold that. She then moved in with a roommate and eventually moved in with my sister who at the time was living here on the west coast. When my sister decided to move to the east coast is when my mother moved in with us and started using my daughter’s room which forced her to sleep with us. She apparently lost the rest of the money she had (I have no idea how) which has put her in the situation she is in now. Knowing that she helped us with money when she had it I am alittle upset that between the three of us (my brother, sister, and myself) we are unable to help her. At the time she helped me I was recently laid-off and had no job. My brother was in school and the money she gave him helped him finish school. My sister I believe was pretty well off at the time and actually used the money to buy a car and other things.

So to summerize here is the status of my brother, sister, and myself:

sister - lives on the east coast in a six-bedroom house near my father and his relatives which do not like my mother, so living with her would probably not be a good idea

brother - lives on the south coast in a two-bedroom apartment and is about to get married. Tells me the priest he spoke to will refuse to marry him if he plans on taking our mother in after the marriage

myself - I live in a small three-bedroom house on the west coast and have two children and really don’t have any room

Does anyone have an suggestions and what we could or should do?

If she has no place to go I would never refuse to let her stay with us even if she had to sleep on the couch but I know that would not be a good situation.

Thanks in advance.
 
Is your mother able to live alone?
Does she have some/any income? Social Security?
I ask these first two questions because you might be able to help find her a retirement apartment near you. Some towns have apartments for the elderly that are low cost where the rent is a sliding scale based on income. Some church/religious organizations offer apartments at low cost to the elderly or disabled.

It’s commendable that you want to help your mom but your space is obviously limited. Do you have a den/family room that your daughter could temporarily use as a bedroom for now? Or could your mom use it temporarily as a bedroom so your daughter can return to her own room?

It sounds as though if you push the issue with your sister and coax her to take your mom, your mom may suffer from the negative environment and feel unwelcome there. How about telling your sister that you are trying to help mom but could use some money to help with her (suggesting to sister that instead of physically housing mom, she could offer a financial contribution instead).

I agree that your brother just getting married needs some privacy to start a new marriage. It would be pretty stressful starting out married life with a parent living in a two bedroom apartment with the bride and groom.

If you live in the country…sometimes people put a small trailer on the property to house a relative. (Not as tacky as it sounds. You know what I mean. 😃 )
Or if finances allow, a room can be added onto the house as a separate apartment for a relative (large room plus bathroom, & possibly kitchenette area – I have relatives that did this for an elderly Aunt.)

My first thought is to find mom a separate place to live. Ask Catholic Social Services or the St. Vincent DePaul Society if they know of any low cost housing.
In the meantime, look at your house and the rooms available to see if there is any way to rearrange the situation. Even the end of one room (den or living room) where a daybed could be located. Do you have a porch that you could easily enclose to become a new room? How about your daughter and mom sharing a bedroom? (Each with a single bed? Like roommates…:o )

Good luck with your mom. My husband and I took care of my mom who has Alzheimer’s for 1 1/2 years. She had also lived in an Assisted Living Facility (that I had to find and arrange the details for) and is now in a nursing home. If she didn’t have Alzheimer’s (which only gets worse), we would have been able to keep her longer and would probably still have her with us. So I can feel for your situation. I did learn through the process that there are a lot of retirement apartments out there for older people who are able to live independently.
👋
 
I guess I don’t understand why she kept downgrading her living condition? Was it specifically to help you kids out? Or was she “trying” (perhaps subconciously) to become dependant on any/all of you. I have a mom who was divorced after my dad left after 24yrs. for another woman. She sometimes does wierd things like that (not quite so big- but she is getting awfully close), and I wonder if it is a hidden attempt to be “needy”.

On the surface, I would talk to your sis, since she if the best off, there are really worse things than living close to an ex! (My mom and most of my family , including my dad and his EXTENSIVE family are within a few miles of her) There are times, for many reasons, that they can’t attend the same functions (b-day parties, etc.) but with creativity, firmness, and boundries, it is possible to work around that.

I would love to help more- please fill me in, and tell me if I am off track. 🙂
 
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