Small "promises"

[Kathrin]

Two things that have really been bothering me.

Somebody said “drop by when you’re in the area” and I quickly said yes. Does that now mean I promised to knock on his door every time I am in the area even if I don’t feel like it?
I wrote him an e-mail explaining that is not what I meant. Is that enough? He didn’t really respond to that part of the mail.

The second thing:
Before I left for a trip I had a conversation with my Dad because I tend to live really low budget. We talked about how in poorer countries it is maybe better to actually spend some money. He knows my situation is a bit different though. i just remember saying something like yes, I treat myself to a cup of coffee sometimes… Or something. I don’t remember did I say I did that on my last trip, or I intend to do it. Now I do have to watch my money and I prefer to make my own instant coffee with tap water. I have also given money to poor people I know, I’d rather do that than live in luxury. I explained that to my Dad too but he didn’t really say anything to that either. Do I break a promise if I make my own coffee?

Kathrin

 

[baltobetsy]

The first is just one of those little pleasantries that happen in conversation. It’s a way of being polite and friendly and does not imply that one is promising to visit every time. If the one who said to drop by any time really had that happen, he’d be very surprised and probably unprepared and inconvenienced. It’s akin to “How are you?” You’re not going to say, “Well, I didn’t sleep very well last night, so I woke up with a bad headache, and my acid reflux is acting up and I’m pretty angry with my spouse.” You’re going to say, “Very well, thanks, how about you?” That is what is done; it is not dishonesty.

You made no promises about how to spend your money. All you did was agree with your dad that it’s good to help the locals. If you give money to a poor person instead of buying coffee, the poor person will still spend it and help the local economy. Be at peace about your coffee.

Betsy

 

[Kathrin]

You’re not going to say, “Well, I didn’t sleep very well last night, so I woke up with a bad headache, and my acid reflux is acting up and I’m pretty angry with my spouse.”

Ha ha you know scrupulous as I am I really am maybe a little bit too detailed when somebody asks me how I am .

I am glad you say that about not having made promises. Yes, exactly, I agreed with my Dad during that conversation. That doesn’t mean my situation cannot change.

It is possible even to agree with something in a conversation and then rethink things, right?
In such circumstances I often think I have to ask the other person now if what I do is ok. Even if I know the other person doesn’t really care. I remember one time I was staying in San Francisco and paid for a room and said I wanted to stay one or two weeks or something until I found another place, and then I ended up liking it and staying there for a few years! First I wasn’t sure if I had lied, I asked a priest and he said no I just changed my mind.

I hope you are wonderful Betsy!
(with no headache and acid reflux etc…)

 

[baltobetsy]

No headache, no reflux, and I’m not mad at my husband. Just thinking up little annoying examples!

I recall that you often worry that changing your mind is equivalent to lying. And of course, it’s NOT!!

Not every word you say must conform exactly, precisely to reality for all eternity. You are expected to change your mind as time goes on. It’s really just fine!

Have a lovely day, Kathrin!

Betsy