Somebody please help me!

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palmersno30

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About two months ago my girlfriend of four and a half years ago broke up with me!!! We have a two and a half year old son together! Who I love so much!! Over the course of our relationship she had always told me that I was her soul mate. She cheated on me twice over the course of our four years together and after the second time finally admitted that she was an acoholic. She promised repeatedly that this behaviour would change and she would love me with her whole heart. she would ask me to marry her over and over and I always told her I would someday but, i just didn’t feel that she truly loved me but i was hopeful that God someday would change her. She started to got to AA meetings and I thought this would truly be the start of our new life together, I was wrong it seemed that she got so consumed with her new sobriety that there was very little time left over for me our should i say our relationship!!! So basically seven months into her sobriety she broke up with me and literally was sleeping with another man who she met of course in AA! I am devastated. I love her with my whole heart still and now that we are apart I have recommitted to God he has shown me so many things that I was doing wrong in the relationship and I have confronted her and apologized for many of my actions. I want us to be a family with my whole heart and my heart yearns for her more each and every day she says she still wants to be my friend and that someday we may be a couple again but seems so distant when we talk What do i do??
 
Your girlfriend is ill.Alcoholism is a terrible disease that completely controls a person.(I myself have 15 yrs sobriety,and have two ex-husbands both alkies,current husband one also.)Most of the time a person will make several attempts at sobriety before they succeed.and face it every alcoholic eventually quits drinking…one way or the other…I’m not going to try to psycho-analyze your situation as you have described because the both of you need some face time with professional counselors or at least AA and Al-Anon.I’m sure this are not new terms for you.

Where is your child? Is he safe?
 
Doesn’t seem to me she is ready or wanting the same thing you do. My suggestion would be to have as best a relationship with your son as you can.

Kathy
 
Palmers, I don’t know what advice I can offer you that would be of any use. But I will pray for you.

I can’t even imagine how heartbreaking such a thing could be. However this thing turns out to go, I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her.
 
I am most dreadfully sad regarding your situation and your distress.
I remember you June post, and nothing has improved. It concerns me that you continue to live at this high level of stress and distress. A person can’t continue to live at such a raw emotional level without losing perspective, and without damaging their mental and physical well-being.

Your son and his safety and well-being is a priority. Your girlfriend has proved unfaithful several times and is not willing to commit. She is responsible for herself and you need to take responsibility for your life, by being realistic about this relationship.

I can’t say I understand the kind of love that is so destructive. I question if it’s love or some kind of selfishness on the one hand and obsessiveness on the other.

Whatever is true you do need to find a way to a safer and more peaceful approach. You have no control over anyone else’s will or choices; and you certainly have none with this person. It is good that she wishes to remain friends…so long as you don’t allow yourself to be tied in knots…but you do need to be friends and to be realistic and calm to provide the best in a bad situation for your son. As a parent you do need to see him as the important focus here.

I do hope that you get your happy ending, but you can’t live on the possiblity endlessly without driving yourself nuts. And you do deserve a healthy and happy life with someone who genuinely and exclusively loves you. You need a relationship where trust is possible. If a miracle could change this girl…but it would need a miracle from the history you have given. She herself also has a right to happiness and a good life but she has to make the choices for that.

I ask God to really help you, your son, and this girl.
 
  1. I don’t know how anyone can be consumed with sobriety. It sounds like you resent her sobriety.
  2. It sounds like she may have a problem with sexual deviancy. Sex before a full commitment in marriage is deviant sexuality. It may be that a couple set up a household, and, say to that relatives that they have college bills to pay, before they marry, or some such excuse related to finances … and, so can put off child-bearing … a pre-marriage living together. They then do marry have the Catholic Wedding. These people who are successfully wed, with licit children therefore, are not the same as those who are having multiple sexual partners, however wonderful it was that a baby was not aborted. (Adoption isn’t the first option as in the past!) Alcoholism: people should not marry based on the feelings or lack of feelings that they feel when they are alcoholics. And, I am not sure if a person who falls into alcoholism, after the marriage and children, can rationally divorce because of it. Giving the girl the benefit of the doubt, she is likely with the one man who she will remain with for many years, barring a fall of the wagon, and even then it is not predictable. You can pine after her all you want, but the suggestion of the previous poster of moving on, with praying for the mother of your child, is the best one. Prayer the rosary, or your other prayers before bedtime, will aid healing. Having others pray for you is good too.
 
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this trauma. I’m sure you do love your child very much. Unfortunately it sounds like your girlfriend has trouble with committments, whether abstaining from sex, alcohol, or other things.

Have you been caring for your son? Could you have custody given her erratic behaviors? It sounds like your ex has a lot of trouble with responsibility, and your child needs someone who can take responsibility for his care.

Right now, although you are hurting, you are the light of this child’s life, and he needs protection.
 
ohioszo said:
  1. I don’t know how anyone can be consumed with sobriety. It sounds like you resent her sobriety.
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I doubt it. I understand what he is saying. My husband is recovered alcoholic and this does happen. You become very involved in AA, they suddenly are the only ones that really understand what having a drinking problem means. My husband spent most of his free time at the Alano Club. (The have recreational activities -pool, darts, video games etc (like a bar with out alcohol).And similarly to the OP a woman at my husband’s AA meetings went after my husband.

Our marriage was already stretched to the limit dealing with his addiction and now this woman was feeding him lines of “how could you wife possibly understand what’s it like blah blah blah”. We came a hair from divorce, thankfully it never progressed to a physical relationship with this other woman. He stopped attending the meetings where she attended to get away from her, we attended retrouvaille and it was long road back. But he has been ten years sober now, thanks be to God.

Actually when an alcoholic attains sobriety believe it or not thats when many relationships break up. The alcoholic goes through a kind of honey moon period- being thrilled, ready to put it all behind him while the significant other is still dealing with the pain of the alcoholic’s past behavior much of which the recovering alcoholic doesn’t even remember. I didn’t resent my husband’s sobriety I was over joyed, but the pain of living with a person with addiction doesn’t vanish over night.

I was thrilled when my husband became sober, I was unprepared for the fact that his recovery would be such a test to our marriage.
 
I think you should document all her behavior and seek out a lawyer regarding your rights as a father.

Your child could be in danger.
 
rayne89 said:
You become very involved in AA, they suddenly are the only ones that really understand what having a drinking problem means…
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You just said it all!! Going thru AA can be a life saver BUT folks are warned not to get involved in new relationships right way and and certainly NOT with another AA club member.She wasn’t honestly “working the program” I suspect that she hasn’t hit the absolute rock bottom yet and until that time comes then don’t expect her to behave in a rational way.And that’s very important to remember.She ain’t in control of that runaway train…the booze is at the throttle… Do as much for your son.If he is still living with mom then that’s a whole other problem.
 
Palmer, you’ve been on my mind. Have you thought that all the times she asked you to marry her, and you refused, that she may have felt the same as you, that you didn’t love her enough, and been terribly hurt? I’ve no doubt it made her feel helpless and not very loved. Is this why she turned to other men for ‘love’?

Would she have been unfaithful anyway? Maybe you need to understand that, in order to know if it’s only going to be destructive if ever you got together. Do you think you and she have enough self-knowledge to be able to talk that through? Often people are damaged and have agendas, emotional issues to protect, so it’s hard to get to the truth and reality.

You both are hurt and maybe both damaged, but I hope and pray there is a way you can help each other heal. If not together, may God grant you both healing, and your little boy, and enable you three to live wholesome lives.
 
Palmer, alcoholism is a family disease. She is not the only one who is sick. You should get counseling, or at least go to Al-anon. That’s the program for friends and family of alkies. They can help you live your own life, instead of living in reaction to hers.

Believe me, she has to put her sobriety ahead of everything, because without it, she will lose everything. My sobriety is just as important to me as my God, because without it, I lose Him, too.

Be supportive of this. If you don’t have custody, offer to babysit while she goes to meetings. Ask to meet her sponsor, and ask the sponsor what you can do to foster your friend’s sobriety. Going to Al-anon might help her see that you intend to be fully supportive of her sobriety.

Without diminishing her mistakes, I do agree with Trishie that you contributed to the problem. You need to accept your part in this, and try to make up to your son for refusing to marry his mother!

One word of small comfort - I’ve seen many relationships start in AA in early sobriety, and very very few last. So don’t give up hope just yet.

Ruthie
 
I am sorry for your pain, palmer. Break ups are always hard.
I don’t agree with the posters who said you contributed to her sleeping with other men…frankly, if she was committed to you – she wouldn’t have cheated. A ring and a wedding doesn’t suddenly make a cheater, not cheat. I think that your son needs your focus and attention–and pour your love and energy into him. Your ex gf is into sleeping with other men–she has shown that through her behavior. I think that you didn’t marry her for a reason…maybe you sensed that she’d be unfaithful. You were right to go with your gut instinct. While I always think that getting married is the best policy, before having children–you were dating, had a child, and things didn’t work out that way. Imagine being married to her, and now you’d be struggling over if you should divorce her?

Take each day at a time, and focus on your dear son. Keep praying, and saying the rosary…Mary’s intercession will ease your pain–I promise.

But, don’t look at not marrying her as the reason for her cheating. Marriage doesn’t ‘cure’ cheating, nor does it prevent it. I also will pray for your ex gf…because she is lost, and is struggling with alcoholism. I know things probably are not easy on her, but don’t let yourself feel personally responsible for her choices. That’s all I am trying to say.

God bless, and be good to yourself …

~Sharon
 
Ruthie said:
Believe me, she has to put her sobriety ahead of everything, because without it, she will lose everything.
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May I jump in here and make a teeny-weeny clarification.Ruthie your words are right on but not everyone in AA (especially newbies) can or will grasp their true meaning.Some view this AA mantra as a license to do anything and everything they want to do.I’ve known parents who pretty much let their kids run wild because “mommy” or “daddy” needs their “sobriety time”.Others just spend every waking moment in some AA related event and go out of their way to avoid responsibilities like work,house cleaning,cooking.

If an alcoholic is honestly working the program as laid out in the 12 steps then the concept of **sobriety above all else **means going to work and/or rehab classes, eating properly,getting enough sleep,pay bills on time,keep in close contact with your sponsor,staying away from bad influences and places that may tempt like bars.
 
  1. I’m so sorry to hear of your story. You sound in sincere pain.
  2. Go to al-anon (for your own help)
  3. It takes TWO to have a relationship. I know you pray for God to change her or the situation, but maybe consider that you are NOT meant to be together.
  4. Your child is the priority - make sure you focus on that, not her illness
  5. Some alcoholics make it, but some never get that far, unfortunately. My father is in his 60’s and is STILL a serious alcoholic. You honestly should NOT sit around HOPING she will change. You can’t make her, you can’t help her. She would have to do it on her own.
On a side note, maybe get custody. It’s a terrible thing to grow up with an alcoholic parent.
 
MamaLlama, you’re right. Putting sobriety first doesn’t mean putting your responsibilities last!

Ruthie
 
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