Spiritual difficulty with birth experience

[ziemkie]

Hi,

Long time lurker here and hoping to get some insight on a topic that I haven’t seen discussed anywhere I’ve looked.
If you haven’t had children or are a soon-to-be parent this is not the post for you, as my experience is likely not typical and I fear, is rooted in my own lack of faith.

I had a baby over a year ago, she is the joy of my life and I sometimes can’t even comprehend how deeply I love her. I remain eternally grateful to God that she was born healthy and has thrived.
However, I am finding it incredibly difficult to come to terms with my birth experience and recovery. Now that I am expecting another baby all these feelings have intensified and I am extremely anxious, I would say bordering on terrified, of giving birth again.
My first pregnancy was quite uneventful and I tried my best to not obsessively read everything pregnancy related, google constantly or over-think things generally. I did a natural birth course which I found ok, but largely my approach was to see how everything went and try not to think about it too much.
During the birth I suffered a severe tear which took months physically to heal. I was completely exhausted (normal I know), in a lot of pain and just felt like I would never, ever feel better again. Mentally I still haven’t gotten over it, I think about the birth everyday and agonize over what I could have done differently, I obsessively search internet forums of long-lasting complications and in general just cannot move past it.
I have found myself so so angry with God over the past year, even though I know that I was incredibly lucky in lots of ways (I still have some discomfort but physically I have improved a lot but most importantly I have a healthy child).
To be honest I found the experience extremely shocking, I just didn’t realise that childbirth could be that damaging and part of my mental anxiety is dealing with what i would feel was naivety on my part. I was completely blindsided by the physicality of it and had expected to find the whole exhaustion/lack of freedom/new responsibility the most difficult part but I have actually found that somewhat manageable and have found huge spiritual fulfillment in being a mother…tbc

 

[ziemkie]

…Anyway, I suppose I am struggling at a spiritual level with this, in that I can see theoretically the wonderful gift that life is, the life-changing experience of being a parent and I have a great desire for more children (clearly!) but I struggle to understand why something seemingly so perfectly created can do so much damage to a woman’s body. I have huge admiration for women who have large families but when I encounter them I just struggle to understand how that is possible without their bodies completely falling apart? Is that the price that has to be paid? I know many women have perfect births and recoveries but I suppose my exposure to post-birth forums online has sort of opened my eyes to how many don’t and of those who struggle for years with debilitating symptoms. It just seems an incredibly unfair deal and one I find difficult from a biological perspective to square. I know that women suffered much worse in the past, and still do in developing nations but I suppose it seems an incredible burden to put on women’s shoulders and spiritually makes no sense to me.
I am looking for a way to move forward spiritually so that I can be enthusiastic about this new baby’s arrival and to let go of the negative feelings surrounding my daughter’s birth, as more than anything I don’t ever want to convey to her that her birth was anything other than a huge blessing. I also don’t want to associate negative feelings with birth in general, whether it be my own or those of family and friends.
Any help appreciated. Thanks.

 

[27lw]

Hello,

You have all my sympathy for undergoing that. I have three kids, and when I am really challenged by something, I think “if you went through natural childbirth, you can do this too!”. It is a huge physical task, like running a marathon, I think. When my babies were born, I remember just the feeling of relief that labor and delivery were over, even more than the feeling of love, happiness, and joy. I can’t imagine the suffering you must have gone through with an injury like that.

Of course I don’t know the circumstances of your labor and delivery, but the more I see of the typical American childbirth experience, I think there’s a lot of room for improvement. I was very apprehensive that I would end up having a c-section, and luckily I didn’t.
I think that most American labors / deliveries could be a lot more on Mother Nature’s schedule, and a lot less on the attending doctor’s schedule. I think certain things get pushed too fast, when I think Mother Nature wants things to go one step forward, one step back. Which can take a long time - - especially with a first baby.
I’m wondering if you have seen a different OB/GYN, or would consider going to a different one for your next pregnancy? Maybe that would help you heal from this experience even more?

 

[aroosi]

I went to a birth class in which basically the message was that you feel pain only if you are stressed out about birth (!!). It seemed that our biggest problem would have been what music to pick during labor… I ended up with my baby stuck in the birth canal. We both made through without life lasting consequences thank you to a very experienced gynecologist but it was very scary and it took a long time to recover physically and psychologically. Luckily not all women have the same experience but I agree with you that the physicality of childbirth is a big taboo. They say with the second child it gets better in the delivery room and hopefully this will be also the case for you. Maybe you could see if there is a therapist in your area to help you process your feelings and help you feel more comfortable with the upcoming delivery.

 

[Peonies]

I am sorry that you had to experience that @ziemkie. No wonder you are scared about labor for this time around. I have no advice for you as I am still struggling to heal from my emotional wounds leftover from my own pregnancy and labor experience two years ago.

Since I have no advice, I will offer my prayers, both for you and your precious unborn baby.

 

[Pattylt]

I’m going to expand on this a bit. The first birth is usually the hardest…your body hasn’t done it before. Second and onward tend to go smoother, shorter and a bit less painful. Not always but typically.

Remind your doctor that you tore during delivery. Have him/her write it in big letters at the top of the chart! Personally, I would request an episiotomy. A surgical cut heals much better and less painfully than a tear. Usually, doctors can tell when someone starts to tear and they’ll perform one to prevent exactly what you went through. You probably tore quite quickly.

I’m not sure if episiotomies are typical these days but in your case, I’d definitely talk to your doctor about it. Please relax! No, childbirth is not fun. It’s extremely painful, especially the first…but, you know what happened and it should be better this time. I healed from two episiotomies in just a few weeks and actually, after the first week, I could sit comfortably and walk painlessly.

Avoid reading and overthinking all this! Stay away from horror stories. Tell yourself it will not be as bad this time…because it won’t!

 

[hope]

God Bless You. Each women will have a different story to tell. I know this is worrisome to you and you have good cause. Pray a rosary each day for a happy delivery. I have had six births none of them were the same. I honestly do not remember much of them. Years from now hopefully you won’t either. The most wonderful thing in life is to hold that new born in your arms.

 

[Dorothy]

That is exactly what I thought when I read the OP’s message.

ziemkie:

Sit down with your doctor and discuss with him your fears!

 

[Pattylt]

You are right…any surgical cut carries some risk. The problem with tearing is it is often not even a single tear nor does it stop at the top of the peritineum. I’ve seen cases where it continues into the rectum. These will need a lot of stitches!

Since she has already torn, it’s important that the delivery doctor…which isn’t always your OB, knows about the previous problem and is prepared for it.

I so sorry you had issues with yours…not at all pleasant, I know! Mostly, I wanted her to be aware of notifying her doctor so that everyone does whatever is best for her situation!

 

[ziemkie]

Many thanks for the replies, it is much appreciated. I especially want to thank those who have gone through very difficult births/recovery. Cecilia_Dympna I am so sorry you are still dealing with pain so long after childbirth, my experience has given me a real insight into those who deal with chronic pain, it is very debilitating mentally, perhaps even more so than physically. I pray you will someday feel well again. Likewise toe Peonies, two years is a long time to suffer and I pray you will work through the experiences with God’s help.
In relation to speaking to my doctor, I did at the final checkup for my last birth and will once I get closer to delivery. The option is an elective episiotomy away from the original tear. This depends on a scan to assess the previous muscle damage, if it hasn’t healed well then a c-section is a possibility. I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place in that because I took so long to heal from a ‘natural’ birth, how likely am I to heal well from a c-section which is major surgery? I also feel that maybe a second natural birth, if it goes well, is likely to be healing for me psychologically.
One of my biggest regrets was not being able to hold my daughter for the first few hours after birth because I was in surgery but I know that can’t be helped.

Aroosi: I did smile at your ‘picking music’ comment, I felt exactly the same, like being told if I just relaxed enough and ‘got in the zone’ it would all be wonderful…
I do agree with 27lw a lot about letting things take their natural course and any intervention is likely to increase problems (unless of course medically necessary). My own feeling about my labour was that I was doing fine, should have been given more time to progress (I was given an oxytocin drip to speed things up and I could feel myself losing control and panicking from that point, I think I pushed too hard at the end, not giving the baby a chance to turn naturally) I don’t want to blame anybody and these things are really unpredictable. My doctor said afterwards that I tore because the baby’s shoulder had ‘got me’ on the way out and that she was about to do an episiotomy just before I tore. I think she felt very badly about this.

 

[ziemkie]

I suppose my issue is not with the medical side, as I know what the risks/options are but in dealing emotionally with birth in general. I know I need to stop reading horror stories and come to a place of acceptance of what happened. I also am very aware that people have much worse outcomes for both themselves and their baby. The whole experience has made me very self-absorbed (in a ‘why me?’ sort of way) which is something that I am trying to combat.
I think the suggestion to pray the rosary is a very good one, I just need to take the focus off myself and put more faith in God.
As I mentioned I am in awe of women who have many births but I just wonder if and how they deal with physical issues. As an example I read a post on social media of a woman who is expecting and make a jokey comment about being at the stage of pregnancy where she can either breathe effectively or pee her pants, another lady commented ‘that’s everyday after having six kids!’ she made the remark lightly but I found it kind of awful. Like incontinence seems a pretty bad design flaw… Incontinence is my big worry and a risk of a bad tear, but I suppose I can only deal with that when or if it arrives.
Thanks again everyone, God Bless.

 

[fide]

Of course, being a man, my natural perspective in necessarily different from that of a woman’s natural perspective. But you asked for spiritual - that is to say, supernatural - insights. For that, I would point you to the Cross. Meditation upon the Cross - more specifically, the Crucifix with Jesus presented in His agonized dying - has made many saints. In His death, is our life.

Jesus on the Cross was in “childbirth”, in a sense. His outpoured blood, and Spirit, His death, resurrection and ascension - enabled God’s Holy Spirit to be outpoured upon men and thereby - THEREBY - bringing about new births, supernatural life, persons born of “water and the Spirit”, born/begotten “from above”, fitted to eternal life and eternal communion with God the Holy Trinity and with one another!

This was the most painful of “childbirths”! The Cross was the most beautiful and indeed glorious of self-offerings of labor for the life of another, indeed of many others, the children of God.

Meditation upon the sufferings of the Cross are a crucial component of the journey of prayer, which is an ascent of the mountain having its summit in holiness, which is our common human calling. We are all called to holiness, in imitation of Christ, carrying our own cross, receiving our own permitted sufferings, all adding to our part in His sufferings for our redemption and the redemption of humanity. We are all called to share, in some way, in His Cross - in His Self-Giving for the life of others, the holy children of God.

Col 1:24 Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church,
Col 1:25 of which I became a minister according to the divine office which was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known,
Col 1:26 the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now made manifest to his saints.

Women especially I think, in childbirth, receive a share in His sufferings ordered as His was, to new life. Realizing this, accepting the suffering as a divine gift, can bring powerful and beautiful joy to the woman, illuminating the very real personal experience - painful though it is - to be a precious part of the vocation and gift given to women.

Men also are called to their share of sufferings in Him! Theirs (ours) are different, obviously, yet the sufferings allotted to us all are fit to us all, and for us, by God our Creator. He will give us the grace to endure all, and the more we can grow to trust Him, to hold fast to the hope set before us, the more we can rest in Him - even in the sufferings - until that Day when all is completed, and we are called into the glory awaiting the children, the people of God.

I pray that this can help you, in your looking back, and in your looking ahead - seeing above all God’s love for you, and Presence with you, in all His has called you into, in Him.

 

[heidi_storage]

You have all my sympathy for undergoing that. I have three kids, and when I am really challenged by something, I think “if you went through natural childbirth, you can do this too!”. It is a huge physical task, like running a marathon, I think. When my babies were born, I remember just the feeling of relief that labor and delivery were over, even more than the feeling of love, happiness, and joy. I can’t imagine the suffering you must have gone through with an injury like that.

. . . . I’m so glad your births went well, but the truth is that many, MANY women have been damaged by . . . natural . . . birth. . . . Ask the women in poor countries who didn’t have any obstetric care available who then dealt with unrepaired tears, fistulas, incontinence, hemorrhaging, or other adverse outcomes.

Absolutely, some women can have multiple children with little damage to their bodies. I know a woman with 11 kids who had relatively easy pregnancies and deliveries. My previous three deliveries were easy to recover from, mainly because my kids tend to be born with tiny heads. However, every woman’s body is different, and every birth is different! (I’m hoping #4 goes well.) . . .

LW, take your fears to your providers. If they don’t take you seriously, find another provider. You can certainly consider talking to a therapist about how to manage your fears this time around, but you are absolutely entitled to care that takes into account your history. . . . . Some women find that a planned cesarean before labor starts is best for them; I would never recommend any medical course of action, of course, but my point is that a decent doctor or midwife is going to help you through this so that this second birth is not traumatizing or damaging to your body. You have the right to be mindful of your longterm health. Do what you need to do.

Best of luck. Second births are often easier than first births, so you do have that going for you!

 

[jlc2k2]

Incontinence is my big worry and a risk of a bad tear,

There are specialists in pelvic health who can help fix and prevent issues with incontinence. And not everyone faces that issue. I haven’t had a bad tear myself. I did have 2 episiotomies and one minor tear. Each birth has resulted in a smaller cut or tear and with my most recent baby I didn’t tear at all. That was absolutely my easiest recovery. Of course, that won’t be everyone’s experience but I did want share that childbirth can get easier with more babies. I’ve also heard from many women who had relatively easy recoveries from planned c-sections if that’s the route you end up going.

But I also get how, given your experience, that none of that may be very comforting. As someone above said, PTSD and other psychological trauma from birth are real. So are anxiety and depression prior to birth (as well as PPD and PPA). If this continues to occupy your thoughts and impacts your day to day, I’d encourage you to mention that to your doctor. They can help connect you to resources to handle the psychological impacts of pregnancy and childbirth.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m so sorry, Peonies. I have heard stories like yours. And the worst of it is that women who experience this can sometimes feel shame, like they “failed” somehow or that they’re somehow to blame for not “getting over it.” Which is ridiculous. I am so angry that these issues aren’t more widely talked about, which only exacerbates the issue. I pray God brings you healing, through whatever means He deems good.

 

[Peonies]

You are very kind, @heidi_storage.

 

[MariaChristi]

Anyway, I suppose I am struggling at a spiritual level with this, in that I can see theoretically the wonderful gift that life is, the life-changing experience of being a parent and I have a great desire for more children (clearly!) but I struggle to understand why something seemingly so perfectly created can do so much damage to a woman’s body.

My dear sister in Jesus and Mary, ziemkie,

Thank you for posting this and welcome to Catholic Answers Forum, on your first visit. It seems to me we are living in an age when many do not think of the “Spiritual” reality of our lives on this earth. Your post espressing your sincere effort to understand what happened to you in the birth of your first child, is a blessing to read, for it speaks directly to God’s Purpose. He created us to know Him… and so we need to seek Him in spirit and in truth.

All of us “struggle” in some way in our lives but too few look to understand on a spiritual level, what God may be permitting or has permitted in our lives, past and/or present. I cannot speak to the painful physical issues you and other mothers have experienced and discussed on this thread, but I hope I can encourage you in your desire as you expressed it at the end of your original post:

… I am looking for a way to move forward spiritually so that I can be enthusiastic about this new baby’s arrival and to let go of the negative feelings surrounding my daughter’s birth, as more than anything I don’t ever want to convey to her that her birth was anything other than a huge
blessing.

Today, the Catholic Church celebrates the Memorial of Our Lady of Sorrows.
Mary standing at the foot of the Cross with the Beloved disciple John heard her dying Son Jesus speak words to each of them:

To Mary, He said: “Woman, behold, your son”
To John, He said: “Son, behold your Mother”

Jesus said those words not to John alone but to all of us. And John who wrote this account wrote that he took Mary into his own (home). Actually home is not in the original Greek but translators added it. Pope St. John Paul II interpreted the Greek to mean John took Mary into his own life and learned from her. Jesus told us in John’s Gospel that He is our Way, and of course He is, but in telling us to “Behold our Mother”, He is telling us to “see” by the Supernatural Faith of our Baptism, the Mother He is giving to us as not only a spiritual Mother but also a Model for His entire Church. Mary continues to suffer for us as she suffered beneath the Cross sharing in the pain of Jesus.

(continued in Part 2)

 

[MariaChristi]

(Continued from Part 1)

I hope you will hear Jesus’ words to Mary and John with the ears of your heart, as one seeking a “way” to love Jesus through Mary; to learn from Her to follow Him even to Calvary. By God’s Grace may we all ask and seek and knock on the door of His heart every day to take up whatever Cross He permits – believing, trusting, loving Him and remaining in the Truth of His Word:

…We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)

May your daughter and as many other children as God may give you and your husband, be blessed by the Supernatural gifts of Faith, Hope and Charity, given at Baptism as you continue to look to Jesus as your Way, your Truth and your Life, and learn from Mary as the servants of Cana learned from her words: “Do whatever He tells you”. You and your husband have received one precious child into your family; may you find joy now in the advent of another coming. Hope this helps a bit.

Please let us pray for one another, for the Church and for all those in most need of God’s Mercy.