J
jake777
Guest
I’m new here. I didn’t post in the Meet and Greet because i actually came here in great turmoil and need. I am posting here to put my feelings down in words so that someone reading this may see myself in them and also benefit from knowing they are not alone in lifes struggles.
I came from a devout Catholic family. Church every Sunday and all the Sacraments. As a child, i went to mass because i was expected to but as i became a teenager it began to bore me. At around the age of 18 i left home and stopped completely. Like so many angst- ridden kids in early adulthood, i questioned everything including my spirituality. I was young and had all the time in the world so i thought. I didn’t need God. I could figure things out on my own. I was tough. I could handle anything life came at me with. I lived a loose and fast lifestyle throughout my twenties. I played in a band that was moderately successful that kept me touring up and down the west coast for many years. My twenties were a blur of partying and living fast and everything that entails.
As i reached my thirties, i started longing for more. I quit my bohemian lifestyle and started working a real job. I longed to marry and start a family like most of my friends but realized i didn’t have the social skills or know-how on how to nurture a normal relationship. My thirties were a blur of broken relationships and heavy drinking. I gravitated again to rough crowds…bikers,users, and pushers. A few times, i would go back to church but always felt horribly uncomfortable. I would sit in the back and look around and see nothing but older people and young families that i had nothing in common with. I tried a few “new age” churches but never felt comfortable with the hand waving and singing.
Through it all i never lost my faith in God. I still prayed to Jesus to forgive me and send someone into my life who could help me. Just someone who could understand me and not judge me and put me on a spiritual pathway. A few weeks ago, i went back to a catholic church. It once again was an odd experience. I actually took confession and told the priest it had been 25 years since my last confession. I was too embarrassed to even begin telling him everything because it would have kept him there all day and there was a small line outside. Within a few minutes, he simply told me to say a few Hail Marys and welcomed me back to the faith. I felt completely confused. There was no way that could be all it took for Jesus to wipe my slate clean.
I am still in a spiritual wasteland. I still beg and cry to Jesus everyday for guidance. It seems to fall on deaf ears. I know he works at his pace and its a slow one but i really feel this is an urgent request. This is spirtual warfare to me. I ask him to send people into my life that can guide me. I feel like with the right guidance and the lifestyle i’ve lived, then i could be of great help to others. I still can’t seem to return to church full time. I still feel completely out of place,lost, and full of anxiety during a service. The only time i feel comfortable is when i go in by myself in an empty church and just sit in silence. I doubt this appeases God without participating in the Sacraments.
I’m basically writing this asking for prayers and understanding. Maybe someone else out there will read this and feel like they have walked in my same shoes. I also ask Jesus for mercy and understanding. I ask him for love,guidance, and especially forgiveness.
I came from a devout Catholic family. Church every Sunday and all the Sacraments. As a child, i went to mass because i was expected to but as i became a teenager it began to bore me. At around the age of 18 i left home and stopped completely. Like so many angst- ridden kids in early adulthood, i questioned everything including my spirituality. I was young and had all the time in the world so i thought. I didn’t need God. I could figure things out on my own. I was tough. I could handle anything life came at me with. I lived a loose and fast lifestyle throughout my twenties. I played in a band that was moderately successful that kept me touring up and down the west coast for many years. My twenties were a blur of partying and living fast and everything that entails.
As i reached my thirties, i started longing for more. I quit my bohemian lifestyle and started working a real job. I longed to marry and start a family like most of my friends but realized i didn’t have the social skills or know-how on how to nurture a normal relationship. My thirties were a blur of broken relationships and heavy drinking. I gravitated again to rough crowds…bikers,users, and pushers. A few times, i would go back to church but always felt horribly uncomfortable. I would sit in the back and look around and see nothing but older people and young families that i had nothing in common with. I tried a few “new age” churches but never felt comfortable with the hand waving and singing.
Through it all i never lost my faith in God. I still prayed to Jesus to forgive me and send someone into my life who could help me. Just someone who could understand me and not judge me and put me on a spiritual pathway. A few weeks ago, i went back to a catholic church. It once again was an odd experience. I actually took confession and told the priest it had been 25 years since my last confession. I was too embarrassed to even begin telling him everything because it would have kept him there all day and there was a small line outside. Within a few minutes, he simply told me to say a few Hail Marys and welcomed me back to the faith. I felt completely confused. There was no way that could be all it took for Jesus to wipe my slate clean.
I am still in a spiritual wasteland. I still beg and cry to Jesus everyday for guidance. It seems to fall on deaf ears. I know he works at his pace and its a slow one but i really feel this is an urgent request. This is spirtual warfare to me. I ask him to send people into my life that can guide me. I feel like with the right guidance and the lifestyle i’ve lived, then i could be of great help to others. I still can’t seem to return to church full time. I still feel completely out of place,lost, and full of anxiety during a service. The only time i feel comfortable is when i go in by myself in an empty church and just sit in silence. I doubt this appeases God without participating in the Sacraments.
I’m basically writing this asking for prayers and understanding. Maybe someone else out there will read this and feel like they have walked in my same shoes. I also ask Jesus for mercy and understanding. I ask him for love,guidance, and especially forgiveness.
) to offend our beloved Lord. In spite of this, He loves us.
And Merry Christmas!