spoiled or not

[blac10]

I have an 11 year old cousin, she has 3 failing grades and the rest are C’s and D’s . She is going to a good procial school her parents pay 3,000 a year for .She has NO respect for her mother or stepfather,she yells at her mom doesnt listen but yet her mother is getting her a cell phone for christmas and what ever else is on her list . Is she spoiled and what could her mom do to get her to treat her with respect.

 

[crohnie4life]

I have 3 nieces and 5 nephews. All of them have been taught to respect adults and their fellow peers. They have boundaries set by their parents & don’t get away with anything. When they do something that is disrespectful, they get a priviledge taken away from them (ex. - no tv for day/week, no phone, are given extra chores, not allowed to go out) depending on the severity of the act. Then they have to earn them back by proving themselves. If the mother wants her daughter to respect her, she should be setting rules that must be followed. If they are not, then there shouldn’t be a “reward” for bad behavior but a consequence to that action.

Yes, at times they will complain, but in the long run it’s for their own good and their parents are teaching them to become better people.

 

[Viki59]

I have a friend who I watched raise her daughter with great timidity, always afraid her daughter wouldn’t love her. She let her daughter get away with everything, and always bought her whatever she demanded.
Well, the daughter is 20 now and treats her mother like garbage, as she has all along. Her mother was one day out of the hospital after a heart attack when this child slapped her during a disagreement.
It’s important for parents to stand up for their rights and demand respect. They are the ones providing everything for the child. Your sister might want to think about the message she is sending, by buying her a cell phone when she’s been disrespectful. In her place, I might get her a nice book for Christmas and tell her that’s how it would be until her attitude improved.
No 11 year old needs a cell phone, anyway.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

She has NO

respect for her mother or stepfather

Her mother was one day out of the hospital after a heart attack when this child slapped her during a disagreement.

Where’s dad? Not that these ladies couldn’t do better in the mom department, but teaching respect for mom is a major dad thing.

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Frankly, I can assure you my children are well aware if they should ever raise a hand against me, it had better be the last thing they ever want to do with that hand because dh is going to come completely unhinged. Honestly, I don’t think such a horror would even cross their minds. Dh has never done anything to them. I don’t think he’s ever even said anything about this to them. It’s just an understood. Shut the door when using the bathroom. Wear a coat when it’s snowing. We need food to survive. Disrespect your mother and feel the wrath of dad. HIT your mother and see your life flash before your eyes.

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**Shocking. Absolutely shocking that children even give thought to such things. **

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Btw, the mother with the heart attack should file assault and never open her door to that demon child again. Elder abuse is just as disgusting as child abuse in my opinion.

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Also, grades are not a factor in whether a kid is good or not and deserving a nice christmas. Personally, give me a flunking kid with a good heart over a straight A brat any day.

 

[1ke]

She is eleven. The behaviors she is exhibiting did not appear overnight. For eleven years your aunt has* failed *to discipline properly, set boundaries, and set the example.

It’s never too late to start, but it will be quite the battle at this point. Children need boundaries, clear direction, and follow through by the parents on discipline and consequences.

You ask what your aunt can do to get respect? She can start demanding it. Only your aunt, your uncle, and the step father can do this. Only they can cut back on giving her gifts, only they can give her consequences for bad grades and disrespect. Only they can set the example in their household of how people speak to one another and respect one another. And, they have to want to do this. It will be a ton of work.

I suggest the Supernanny books by Jo Frost-- They are a good “how to” on child discipline although written for younger children, these parents must start at square one doing what they should have done eleven years ago. Starting at eleven it won’t be easy.

 

[KCT]

Is she spoiled and what could her mom do to get her to treat her with respect.

1. Yes
2. Grow a backbone

I have a sil in the same position. My niece is out of control. She’s 14 and hanging out w/ 18 yr olds who are in trouble with the law. Her mom lets her go out with these guys because she can’t say no.

My brother has tried for years to discipline but his wife undermines him when he’s not around.

The mom needs to stand up now or things will get worse.

—KCT

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Did her mother ask you to ask us? It really doesn’t matter what we think if the parents don’t see a problem.

You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig. Likewise, parents who have not asked for parenting advice very rarely welcome it, and this is even true if they are in the habit of complaining about their children. Don’t get yourself trampled by an angry pig defending its piglets…and I would say the same goes for your parents.

As your cousin, though, you can ask her how it is that she treats her mother like that, and let her know that you would never want to do that…not because it would get you into trouble, but because a person who doesn’t respect his or her parents really can’t have much respect for themselves. Your parents could also tell her that they wonder how she can treat someone they respect in such a manner.

That might get her to thinking, if not now, then later down the line. I wouldn’t expect her to welcome “the intervention”, though. Even if the situation amends itself, you can expect to become persona non grata for committing the “sin” of telling her that her behavior was shameful. Whether taking that chance is going to be worth that risk is your call.

 

[Trident59]

I’ll pray for all concerned.

Its been my experience that if a parent doesn’t have control of the child by the age of 5 and has taught it right from wrong, then you got a real problem. (We raised 7 plus 4 neighbor kids)

perhaps if they survive to adulthood, you can reason with them but until then its nothing but heartache.

 

[Island_Oak]

I have an 11 year old cousin, she has 3 failing grades and the rest are C’s and D’s . She is going to a good procial school her parents pay 3,000 a year for .She has NO respect for her mother or stepfather,she yells at her mom doesnt listen but yet her mother is getting her a cell phone for christmas and what ever else is on her list . Is she spoiled and what could her mom do to get her to treat her with respect.

If you are also still a child, teenager or even a young adult, the BEST thing you can do is model appropriate behaviour to your younger cousin. It is a rare kid who doesn’t look up to an older sibling, relative etc. You could have a big influence by simply being polite, respectful, cheerful and helpful to adults when in her presence–and maybe even getting her to help you do something positive to help out your aunt.

Most kids have an innate sense of good and bad–and most know when they’re being bratty and don’t feel good about themselves. Help her reclaim a rightful sense of pride and accomplishment by doing the right thing, earning a privlilege or humbly helping someone else instead of being so self-centered. It will be much more productive and welcomed than criticism.

p.s. WELCOME to the CA Forums!

 

[mikew262]

Pretty obvious, this girl needs discipline. My first thought was she needs the seat of her pants warmed for her. However, I realize in the politically correct, feel good world we now live in, that probably shouldn’t be the first thing to try. Whether it be grounding, privilege taking, spanking, etc. you need to be consistant with it. Of course, always ensure she knows she’s loved, and anything you try is for her own good.

 

[KCT]

My first thought was she needs the seat of her pants warmed for her. However, I realize in the politically correct, feel good world we now live in, that probably shouldn’t be the first thing to try.

My 14 yr old niece went to her guidance counselor saying her dad hits her. He slapped her mouth when she used some really foul language directed at him. CPS and the law are now involved. It’s a mess and a sad state of affairs when parents can’t discipline their kids w/o fear of arrest. (the police said an open hand slap is permissable, but it’s still a mess). Needless to say, my brother keeps his hands in his pockets now, but his daughter is free to walk out of the house, ignore her father, and he can’t touch her. He can call the police to bring her back, though.

All good reasons to discipline early and consistently.
—KCT

 

[Ma.Eugenia]

I know of a rich woman who adopted a child.She loved the child so much to the point of spoiling him. Every tantrum, she gave in and gave what the child desired.

Eventually, the child grew up spoiled and never bothered to excel in anything as everything was given to him on a “silver platter”. So, eventually, by the time the child became an adult—he went from one relationship to another with different women and siring children with them, expecting his mother to always help him out as he was constantly in financial bind.

Children need to learn to take responsibilty for their actions early on or else they will never learn to stand up on their own two feet.

If the mother keeps on giving in to avoid a tantrum, the child would learn that if she acts bad, she will get rewarded? Not a good thing to learn.

Better that the child learns that there are consequences to bad actions–like withdrawing something (EX: a favorite toy) the child likes when she hasn’t been nice, and the only way she can get it back is to behave properly.

Rewarding should always be done positively and not as a bribe to make the child behave better–because usually, it produces the opposite effect.

Example is to reward the child a cellphone when she gets good grades. The reward is given **after **the good deed and not before.

I think, discipline, done out of love, and with respect from parents for their children, will help them become responsible adults in the future.

Also, I think problematic children are like that because they have problems. I suggest, mother and daughter find quality time to bond together—some times, that is all what a child needs to feel loved. Maybe by doing this, the child will open up to her mom enough to tell her what is bothering her.

I remember when I was a child, my mom and my dad, would spend time with me by treating me out to nice restaurants(when it was within their budget) or we’d go out to the park so I can play where they can watch over me.

I don’t remember much the gifts that I got as a child —but I remember the wonderful times I spent with my parents. Those are the memories that really stick in the mind—and I know they love me because they made time for me despite their busy schedule, and even during times of family difficulties, they were there for me when I needed help.

Of course, I was disciplined every now and then for bad behavior when I was young, but they always did it in a way that I knew that it was for my own good.

I hope that the OP’s cousin will realize that love is not measured in material things. Hopefully, she and her mom will be able to find ways to show love and respect to each other, not neccessarily by things that money can buy.

 

[mikew262]

My 14 yr old niece went to her guidance counselor saying her dad hits her. He slapped her mouth when she used some really foul language directed at him. CPS and the law are now involved. It’s a mess and a sad state of affairs when parents can’t discipline their kids w/o fear of arrest. (the police said an open hand slap is permissable, but it’s still a mess). Needless to say, my brother keeps his hands in his pockets now, but his daughter is free to walk out of the house, ignore her father, and he can’t touch her. He can call the police to bring her back, though.

All good reasons to discipline early and consistently.
—KCT

Don’t get me started! While I understand the need for CPS, and I know they are overworked, I’m convinced that sometimes they do more harm than good. I think far too many times CPS can cause a total upheaval of a family just because somebody might have physicially punished their child and some “buttensky” decided to report it. To me there is nothing more tragic than physically taking a screaming, crying child away from otherwise good parents just because they practice spanking and /or lightly slapped their child.

On the otherhand, if a child is truly being abused, then of course, CPS has to act. It’s just a common std needs to be established in what is proper discipline and what is abuse. I think too many times it’s left up to the personal opinion of the caseworker.