Spouse adamant about contraception

[yellow8yellowM]

My wife is adamant about using contraception. She always has, and gets angry when I bring up the topic. What are my best options? Here is a little background.

I was raised in a basically non-religious environment and was never baptized. My wife is a cradle Catholic. We met after college and were married in the Catholic Church despite the fact that we were living together and in sin and despite me not being Catholic, let alone baptized. I promised her and her family that I would become Catholic eventually and that I would raise the children Catholic. After five years of marriage and after the birth of our first child, I finally started RCIA.

Although I knew the Church was against contraception, I did not realize to what extent. I have come to find out that coitus interruptus (withdrawal) is forbidden, as is the “selfish” decision to not leave the possibility of life open, even if using natural family planning.

My problem is that I don’t want to commit a mortal sin every time we have sex, and my wife says she might just switch to the pill just so that she will be the only one in mortal sin. I don’t think this is a good choice either. What do I do?

 

[familyof4]

My suggestion is to read one of the books on Theology of the Body as a couple, and discuss it. If your diocese has a class on the subject, take it together. She may find that the information on NFP, and the ways to correctly practice it will reassure her.

If she absolutely refuses to discuss it, and wants to use birth control, you can’t stop her, unfortunately.

A talk with your priest may help you find other options as well (classes, counseling).

God bless, this is a hard subject for a lot of people. My prayers are with you.

 

[Trishie]

I’m sorry to throw in another spanner, but the pill isn’t the solution to the dilemma:

prolife.com/BIRTHCNT.html

“Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions?”
Here’s what 11 physicians and medical professionals are saying about the book Randy Alcorn published in 1998:

1. “From medical textbooks and pharmacy references, to statements from the Pill-manufacturers themselves, this book proves, beyond any doubt, the abortion-causing action of birth control pills. This book should be read by everyone interested in knowing the truth.”
   ~ Paul L. Hayes, M.D., Board Certified Fellow of the American College of Obstetricians/Gynecologists
   …other medical testimonies follow

Natural birth control methods NFP are possible
catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/p/Nat_Fam_Plan.htm
catholicmom.com/nfp.htm

 

[BlueEyedLady]

In the eyes of the church it is a mortal sin, and definitely a bad idea.

However, it is her sin, not yours. And as long as you make your disapproval known and continue to encourage her to stop using the pill, you can continue to have sex with her without committing sin.

 

[Khalid]

In the eyes of the church it is a mortal sin, and definitely a bad idea.

However, it is her sin, not yours. And as long as you make your disapproval known and continue to encourage her to stop using the pill, you can continue to have sex with her without committing sin.

I believe this is correct. You should attempt to educate her in the four causes and the natural moral law thence derived, but, in the end, you can control yourself only, not any other.

I would ask a priest or canonist to be sure.

 

[DasErlibnis]

If spouse married in a catholic church, then spouse likely made a vow to be open to children. If spouse wants to receive communion, then spouse cannot use contraception. If spouse wants peace in marriage then spouse needs to err on the side of charity.

 

[surritter]

My wife is adamant about using contraception. She always has, and gets angry when I bring up the topic. What are my best options? Here is a little background.

I was raised in a basically non-religious environment and was never baptized. My wife is a cradle Catholic. We met after college and were married in the Catholic Church despite the fact that we were living together and in sin and despite me not being Catholic, let alone baptized. I promised her and her family that I would become Catholic eventually and that I would raise the children Catholic. After five years of marriage and after the birth of our first child, I finally started RCIA.

Although I knew the Church was against contraception, I did not realize to what extent. I have come to find out that coitus interruptus (withdrawal) is forbidden, as is the “selfish” decision to not leave the possibility of life open, even if using natural family planning.

My problem is that I don’t want to commit a mortal sin every time we have sex, and my wife says she might just switch to the pill just so that she will be the only one in mortal sin. I don’t think this is a good choice either. What do I do?

The pill is not a good choice either. And not just for the medical reasons given in a post above. It is the same moral choice as your current method (except that the pill would be shifting the action to your wife, but why allow her to jeopardize her soul?).

I can sympathize with your situation, but if you are certain that you both wish to avoid pregnancy for now (which is fine), the truly moral options for both of you are NFP or complete abstinence. I know that just coming out and saying this to her will throw up all sorts of resistance, so don’t do it bluntly. First research the reasons behind Church teaching – it’s the very simple idea that love-making and life-making go together, and to directly thwart one while taking advantage of the other is the problem. (A similar analogy is bulimia. Eating has two aspects: the pleasure of food but also nutrition. Everyone understands that bulimia is wrong because it separates those two aspects.)

Anyway, after studying the logical reasons for the Church’s stance, gently present those thoughts to her. Mention that it’s not just to comply with some arbitrary Church rule, but rather that it’s grounded in biology and logic, as well as your desire to respect her body as it truly is. It’s gonna be a long uphill road, so don’t push too hard. After the seeds are planted, back off a little but throughout it all you have to pray extra hard. Two strong tools will be occasional fasting, and heavy prayers united to St. Joseph.

 

[dailey]

In the eyes of the church it is a mortal sin, and definitely a bad idea.

However, it is her sin, not yours. And as long as you make your disapproval known and continue to encourage her to stop using the pill, you can continue to have sex with her without committing sin.

I am in the same boat as the poster. My husband is not Catholic and hates the fact that we are not to used ABC. I will not budge on this. I think the above solution gives a “loophole” to too many Catholics because they can pass off the blame on their spouse. I am pretty sure that it is acceptable, as someone else had mentioned, but that is only as a last resort. Personally, I wouldn’t even be in the mood for anything if I had a spouse who would have so little respect for me and my faith.

 

[Unsettled]

We are in the same boat. I used to be an adamant supporter of church tracing and still believe much of it makes a lot of sense for some phases of life. But as I’ve aged I know longer agree with the birth control issue in totality. The trouble is my spouse does. So we have no relationship. Nothing. Nada. For five years. We are too old to be new parents (otherwise this wouldn’t be a big issue), but since I haven’t stopped cycling I’m told by doctors of all religious persuasions that pregnancy is possible. To clarify, not only due to age but also my health and the interest of existing children make the existence of a possible additional child NOT a blessing but a problem. I’m open to some of the easier nfp methods ( can’t do the one we learned because of erratic schedules and sleeping issues), but will only be comfortable With a back up method, most definitely one that doesn’t cause abortions or use chemicals). Maybe in another lifetime there will be a more rational answer by those who hold the threat of heaven and hell over us. In the meantime I’m missing out on a great relationship

 

[BettyBoop416]

In the eyes of the church it is a mortal sin, and definitely a bad idea.

First let me say that I enjoy your posts. Although I sometimes disagree with you, your posts are always intelligent and well thought out.

But I’m curious. You identify yourself as an atheist, so I assume that the church’s prohibition against artificial contraception isn’t something you concern yourself with. Given my assumption, what, in your opinion, makes contraception “definitely a bad idea?”

 

[Onegin]

In the eyes of the church it is a mortal sin, and definitely a bad idea.

However, it is her sin, not yours. And as long as you make your disapproval known and continue to encourage her to stop using the pill, you can continue to have sex with her without committing sin.

If this were the case, I would say that, from a moral standpoint, abstinence is probably the best suggestion where hormone birth control is being used, especially if it is the kind known to potentially cause abortions. It is one thing to use this argument for barrier method birth control and another entirely (I think) to use it for the Pill where engaging in relations at all could lead to an abortion.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My problem is that I don’t want to commit a mortal sin every time we have sex, and my wife says she might just switch to the pill just so that she will be the only one in mortal sin. I don’t think this is a good choice either. What do I do?

Make an appointment with a priest. Today. You and your wife need pastoral care.