Spouse and Depression

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whitetulips

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Hello,
My husband has not been himself for almost a year now probably. Long story short, he has taken meds for anxiety and tried counseling. He admitted to me recently that he thinks he has SAD (seasonal affective disorder), after saying for a while that he didn’t think he was depressed. The anxiety meds made him feel depressed so he stopped taking them (and his doctor knew he stopped). He’s tried light therapy as well which helped a bit he said but he feels like they’re so artificial and he doesn’t like that. He brought up that he feels terrible because if it weren’t for living close to my family he’d want us to be out of here to somewhere sunnier (we live in the Midwest), and he’s wondering about the idea of us moving because he doesn’t want to feel this way the rest of his life.
Has anyone’s spouse here had depression? If so, how did you handle it? It’s been really hard emotionally on me as well as we’re newly married. In addition, we’ve had sex once in the last six months and that was almost four months ago. Our first couple months of marriage our sex life was healthy. But the lack of sex obviously hinders us from starting a family, and from the bond and intimacy that comes with as well.
Side note: I’m in counseling too and talk to friends about it so I am seeking help myself. I also try to get enough sleep, exercise, pray each day, etc.
 
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My wife had severe ppd after our 6th. Due to health complications and blood issues she could not take anything for it. It was a dark world we went to and the biggest strain on our marriage. 3 years later, the ppd has lessened but the damage is real on both ends. God has been the single biggest help.
 
I can relate to the SAD, it’s a real thing.

I grew up in Texas where I never experienced this. I’ve been in the midwest for nearly 15 years now. Moved here when I married my husband-- a lifelong midwesterner. I started having all these feelings, and it took me a while to identify that they were seasonal, and definitely related to the short days and dreary conditions.

If I had my way we’d be back in TX tomorrow. Winters are so incredibly hard for me.

Coping strategies for me include business trips to the south (legitimate, but honestly I’m very happy when they happen in Jan-Mar), regular exercise (husband come with me to the gym every morning), and as much time outside as possible when the sun is shining. Husband also doesn’t put pressure on me to be happy or productive in the winter (i.e. the house is a mess more than usual!)

Your husband should see his medical doctor for help with SAD.
 
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Yes, do take of yourself. Continue with the physical activity, nutrition, and (very important) sleep. I don’t have experience with counseling for the spouse of the person affected, but you know how helpful it is. Sharing with friends can be a two edge sword, I’d be cautious what,who, and how much I’d share.

Encourage your spouse to retry, or continue counseling. It isn’t a process resolution, rather a process that can take quite some time depending upon the severity of the depression. Do what you can to the extent you can, to encourage his physical health and sleep hygiene.

Be there for him, support and celebrate victories and successes. Suggest, but don’t overdo suggestions (yes, it’s a tightrope). Always let him know you are unconditionally there for him.
 
This has been an ongoing challenge for you, hasn’t it?

Stick with counseling.
 
Like 1ke, I lived in TX before I moved here to New England 8 years ago after my husband died. The last few years the seasonal change and also the fact that it gets dark here by 4:30 has started to effect me. I just turned 60/ don’t know if that’s a factor too, but wanted to say my blood tests (lab work) revealed a deficincey in vitamin D. The doc prescribed me Vitamin D; 50,000 units and I think it has helped me a lot. I have been requesting re-fills ever since without any additional blood work and so every winter I take this vitamin D prescription and really think it’s helped with the seasonal “blues”. Might check into that! Also check low B-12 and the rest of the the B levels as they help with energy. I don’t get the sense that doc’s check vitamin levels unless you request. It’s always better to check these things I think before resorting to prescriptions.
God Bless,
Debbie
 
Thank you for the replies. And yes, this has been an ongoing struggle.
 
And while this has been an ongoing struggle, he’s now admitting he actually thinks he’s depressed.
 
That is good, and a step toward effective treatment, therapy, and improvement.
 
I have both bi-polar and SAD. It’s been a long road towards finding the right balance of meds and lifestyle, but it’s been worth it. Depression robs us of life, and in many cases is treatable. I have not found any treatment to be 100% effective, but any level of increased functionality is a win.

I hope he can get past his issues with using light therapy. There is nothing artificial about humans response to light, and it has no side effects compared to meds, plus it’s way cheaper.

As others have said, Vitamin D and B can help, talk to a doctor first, and living in a place that gets Sun in winter is a huge help as well, of course we have to make the time to get out into the Sun, but even the increased light in the house or workplace helps.

I will NEVER move north again. My ex husband at one point wanted to take a job in Maine, but having grown up in the MidWest I know how dreary winters and long nights affect me. I knew it would be like nailing myself into a coffin for 6 months of the year and that could not be good for our marriage or children to have me out of touch so much of the time.

Living in the South West was awesome! I have since had to move back to the South East to help with family, and the Sunshine isn’t quite as bright or frequent but it’s a HUGE step up from Chicago and Michigan as far as Sunlight goes.

The way it affects sexual drive can be hard on a marriage. Hugs. I know you understand it’s the result of his depression, but it’s hard to take just the same. I was once in a similar situation and it feels like rejection even when we know it’s a health issue.
 
I’ve spent winters in Minnesota, in Wyoming, in Michigan. They DO get sun in the winter, it takes more effort to enjoy it.

Perhaps you buy long johns and nice parkas and good sunglasses for both of you and begin taking long walks in the cold. The winter world is beautiful (I very much miss winter living in the South). Take advantage of the winter sun, God’s medicine!
 
TheLittleLady said:
I’ve spent winters in Minnesota, in Wyoming, in Michigan. They DO get sun in the winter, it takes more effort to enjoy it.

Perhaps you buy long johns and nice parkas and good sunglasses for both of you and begin taking long walks in the cold. The winter world is beautiful (I very much miss winter living in the South). Take advantage of the winter sun, God’s medicine!
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I’m up for that! I think that’d be great! He doesn’t want to go out and do that in the cold though.
 
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Calliope said:
I have both bi-polar and SAD. It’s been a long road towards finding the right balance of meds and lifestyle, but it’s been worth it. Depression robs us of life, and in many cases is treatable. I have not found any treatment to be 100% effective, but any level of increased functionality is a win.

I hope he can get past his issues with using light therapy. There is nothing artificial about humans response to light, and it has no side effects compared to meds, plus it’s way cheaper.

As others have said, Vitamin D and B can help, talk to a doctor first, and living in a place that gets Sun in winter is a huge help as well, of course we have to make the time to get out into the Sun, but even the increased light in the house or workplace helps.

I will NEVER move north again. My ex husband at one point wanted to take a job in Maine, but having grown up in the MidWest I know how dreary winters and long nights affect me. I knew it would be like nailing myself into a coffin for 6 months of the year and that could not be good for our marriage or children to have me out of touch so much of the time.

Living in the South West was awesome! I have since had to move back to the South East to help with family, and the Sunshine isn’t quite as bright or frequent but it’s a HUGE step up from Chicago and Michigan as far as Sunlight goes.

The way it affects sexual drive can be hard on a marriage. Hugs. I know you understand it’s the result of his depression, but it’s hard to take just the same. I was once in a similar situation and it feels like rejection even when we know it’s a health issue.
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Thank you! This is helpful 😊
 
Mrchatsworth said:
My wife had severe ppd after our 6th. Due to health complications and blood issues she could not take anything for it. It was a dark world we went to and the biggest strain on our marriage. 3 years later, the ppd has lessened but the damage is real on both ends. God has been the single biggest help.
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That sounds really tough. Thank you for sharing and so glad to hear the impact God has had on you through it.
 
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