Spouse cheating on family member

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familylove

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Hi there… I am new to this site and was wondering if anyone was kind enough to give some good thoughts or advice. You see my brother, whom I love very much has been re-married and has 3 children with this woman. He had just found out about 3 years ago that his 2nd child unfortunately is not his. He lives in another country and does not have any family near him for comfort. We talk almost daily and I have been trying to give him good advice and have been directing him towards God to help him with his problem. He has forgiven her and has been desparately trying to keep their family together… but she refuses to go to councelling and keeps cheating on him with different men. My brother is a good, hardworking, Christian family man and husband but this is tearing him up inside because he knows in his heart that she keeps secrets and keeps lying to him. I recently had it out with her and told her how she has disrespected our family and hurt us… but she went on the defensive and had no remorse! I begged her not to continue to hurt my brother and told her that she needs to be close with him and communicate, but her pride and mentality is that of a school child who instead of taking responsibility and acknowledging the problem just blames everyone else and continues on what makes her boat float! I recently have been e-mailing my brother bible verses and anything Christian related for inspiration and even called his local parish for someone for him to talk to… but I know she is not going to change and he has tried so hard to love her despite her destructive and unfaithful actions. My advice has been unchanged in that he has to leave her but that ultimately he had to make his own decisions and pray to God for guidance and keep his faith. I told him that no matter what he decided I would always support him and be there for him, even if it meant that he wanted to stay with her… but I can’t stand seeing him suffer anymore. I pray for him constantly and for her as well… Does anyone have any good advice or thought please? I am desparate to help him!
 
familylove said:
I told him that no matter what he decided I would always support him and be there for him, even if it meant that he wanted to stay with her… but I can’t stand seeing him suffer anymore. I pray for him constantly and for her as well…
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Your’re already doing the best you can do in this unfortunate situation: support your brother and pray for the both of them.

Two bits of advice:

Stop confronting your sister-in-law. It’s tempting, I know. But, the unintended consequence may be that your brother defends her against you, which will not improve the family dynamics. In general, it’s always best for third parties to stay well out of the marital problems of others.

Don’t let the middle child’s illegitimacy cloud your feelings for the child. Your brother has accepted the child, and so should you. Period.

Luna
 
Unlike that other thread, repeated infidelities are more than sufficient reason for legal separation if he chooses to go that path. I most certainly would.
 
Why does your brother live in a country other than the one where his family lives?
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
Your’re already doing the best you can do in this unfortunate situation: support your brother and pray for the both of them.

Two bits of advice:

Stop confronting your sister-in-law. It’s tempting, I know. But, the unintended consequence may be that your brother defends her against you, which will not improve the family dynamics. In general, it’s always best for third parties to stay well out of the marital problems of others.

Don’t let the middle child’s illegitimacy cloud your feelings for the child. Your brother has accepted the child, and so should you. Period.

Luna
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:yup:

I agree. Support your brother by not doing his work for him. Calling the local church in a foreign country and confronting his wife are not helping him, they’re treating him like a child who can’t handle his own family. I know you mean well, but you saying her actions hurt you and disrespect your family is really out of focus. This is wrong because it disrespects and hurts her and her family. If he chooses to stay with her for the sake of his children, that’s his choice. Continue to support and guide him when he calls and call to check on him, offering him sound advice when he asks for it. That’s where you can be effective.
 
Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond to my post! I really appreciate all of your thoughts and views… I guess I should also mention that it was not my intention to have it out with her, she basically picked a fight with me and I was honest with her about how I felt since we have not spoken to eachother in three years. I also ended the conversation and swallowed my pride by telling her that I would not mind working on our relationship and that I would leave it up to her when she was ready. I don’t like fighting with anyone or holding grudges and I certainly did not want to add fuel to the fire. I don’t call their house and I don’t send messages to my brother on facebook because I know she is jealous of our close relationship. But I had told her that it should be her that has to be close with him and be eachothers best friends… believe me I am trying to stay out of it as best as I can… I am there for him if he needs someone to talk to.
I also just wanted to give you an idea of her mentality… we all have loved and accepted the middle child from day one… but as my brother tried to talk about his feelings with his wife, she got angry because she wants him to forget about everything and she decides one day out of spite on her own while my brother was at work, to tell the middle child who is 2 years old that he is not her daddy… how sad is that… this should have been something that they both did together and delicately when she would be old enough to understand… I think its really unfortunate to use children as playing pieces… I am only giving you this as an example so that you can see what we are dealing with here… all I do when my brother calls is just reassure him that he is a wonderful man and he is smart and just keep praying and turn to God for help in his choices. Ultimately he has to make his own decisions as it is his life… also to answer one of the questions posted, my brother lives in another country because he wanted to start a fresh life as he was previously married and she cheated on him too…he is the type of man that is hard working and gives every piece of his heart and treats his women like gold… so eventually he had divorced her and moved away to start again… no children in his first marriage… he would have loved them but she did not and i quote she did not want to ruin her figure… which is fine, to each their own I guess… anyway he moved away… this is where he met this one… I know, I know he keeps making poor choices in women… but here’s the kicker… sometimes people are not like that in the beginning and you only find out a persons true colours after a few years… all he ever wanted was just a simple life and to have a family and to love and be loved… I guess nowadays that’s getting hard to aquire as more and more people stray away from God’s commandments.
 
familylove said:
…she decides one day out of spite on her own while my brother was at work, to tell the middle child who is 2 years old that he is not her daddy…
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Infidelities aside, it sounds like your sister-in-law has mental health issues in addition to some pretty poor parenting acumen. I hope receives help.

Prayers for all.

Luna
 
familylove said:
Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond to my post! I really appreciate all of your thoughts and views… I guess I should also mention that it was not my intention to have it out with her, she basically picked a fight with me and I was honest with her about how I felt since we have not spoken to eachother in three years. I also ended the conversation and swallowed my pride by telling her that I would not mind working on our relationship and that I would leave it up to her when she was ready. I don’t like fighting with anyone or holding grudges and I certainly did not want to add fuel to the fire. I don’t call their house and I don’t send messages to my brother on facebook because I know she is jealous of our close relationship. But I had told her that it should be her that has to be close with him and be eachothers best friends… believe me I am trying to stay out of it as best as I can… I am there for him if he needs someone to talk to.
I also just wanted to give you an idea of her mentality… we all have loved and accepted the middle child from day one… but as my brother tried to talk about his feelings with his wife, she got angry because she wants him to forget about everything and she decides one day out of spite on her own while my brother was at work, to tell the middle child who is 2 years old that he is not her daddy… how sad is that… this should have been something that they both did together and delicately when she would be old enough to understand… I think its really unfortunate to use children as playing pieces… I am only giving you this as an example so that you can see what we are dealing with here… all I do when my brother calls is just reassure him that he is a wonderful man and he is smart and just keep praying and turn to God for help in his choices. Ultimately he has to make his own decisions as it is his life… also to answer one of the questions posted, my brother lives in another country because he wanted to start a fresh life as he was previously married and she cheated on him too…he is the type of man that is hard working and gives every piece of his heart and treats his women like gold… so eventually he had divorced her and moved away to start again… no children in his first marriage… he would have loved them but she did not and i quote she did not want to ruin her figure… which is fine, to each their own I guess… anyway he moved away… this is where he met this one… I know, I know he keeps making poor choices in women… but here’s the kicker… sometimes people are not like that in the beginning and you only find out a persons true colours after a few years… all he ever wanted was just a simple life and to have a family and to love and be loved… I guess nowadays that’s getting hard to aquire as more and more people stray away from God’s commandments.
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So your brother is back in the US, and his children are in another country? I am still confused.

:confused:
 
No… he orginally lived in Canada where he divorced his first wife for infedelity …

he then moved to another country to start over; this is where he met his second wife … and eventually had 3 children with her… but he has recently come to learn that his second wife is cheating on him with different men and passed the second child off as his… but he has been a great father to the second child as his own and loves her regardless of what happened. he is raising all 3 children with the second wife (he has not left her and has forgiven what she did) and is trying to keep his family together and set aside his own hurt… but his wife keeps lying and cheating on him…
 
familylove said:
No… he orginally lived in Canada where he divorced his first wife for infedelity …

he then moved to another country to start over; this is where he met his second wife … and eventually had 3 children with her… but he has recently come to learn that his second wife is cheating on him with different men and passed the second child off as his… but he has been a great father to the second child as his own and loves her regardless of what happened. he is raising all 3 children with the second wife (he has not left her and has forgiven what she did) and is trying to keep his family together and set aside his own hurt… but his wife keeps lying and cheating on him…
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Ohhhhh…I get it now, it was just the way you wrote about him, saying, “HE lives in another country.”

:doh2:

You mean the WHOLE FAMILY lives in another country.

Well, I feel for your husband - his wife is very cruel to try and tell her daughter that her daddy is not really her daddy. In fact, I would term that evil. What good could possibly come of that, except that she is using her own daughter to hurt her husband? Very bad, very very bad. That shows that she probably doesn’t have what it takes to even be a parent, let alone a good parent.

Has he talked to his priest and a lawyer? Maybe he could try for sole custody of the children based on her adultery?
 
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