Spouse Opposed to NFP

[trippnbillies]

Hello all. I’m new here, so please be nice lol.

I have a question regarding Contraception. I was raised in a Baptist home, and my father is a Baptist Minister. I was never even made aware of NFP until I began to learn about the Catholic Faith.

I married a Catholic, and we received a dispensation from the Bishop to allow our marriage to be sacramental. However, it took me several years before I really became interested in joining the Church. I just recently was confirmed this past Easter, and have done a tremendous amount of reading on Church History, and the teachings of the Church.

I just recently discovered that the Church considers contraception a mortal sin. This creates a great conflict within me because we have utilized contraception since the beginning of our marriage. I brought this up to my wife, and told her that we should look into switching over to NFP.

She was not excited about that at all, and does not believe that it is right for the Church to tell her what to do as it pertains to her/our fertility. Of course, she let me know that basically everyone she knows uses contraception, and so why shouldn’t we? She does not agree that it is a mortal sin, and is not prepared at this time to change this practice.

I don’t want to get into a discussion about whether or not the Church has the authority to enforce this teaching, or whether or not it is a mortal sin, so please don’t go there. I am not disputing any of this.

My question is this. Where does that leave me? If I am unable to convince my wife to utilize NFP with me, then how do I avoid committing a mortal sin? It seems that I have recently been blessed with the fullness of God’s truth for us, and just as I have my eyes opened, I am about to get shut out by my spouse who was raised Catholic, but doesn’t subscribe to one of the Church’s teachings.

 

[felra]

Here is a thread for a very similiar situation as yours: Help a husband

 

[StratusRose]

First of all, welcome home!

Here is a phrase that helps me get through the day sometimes, “What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.”

Perhaps you can invite your wife to a class where NFP is being taught or show her some statistics about it. I find it hard to swallow that people want God in their lives but when it comes to the bedroom, they shut the door in his face. It’s like hanging God in a coat closet and only using him when you need him. It doesn’t matter whether or not she thinks it’s a mortal sin. It is what it is. She is buying into relativist thinking that our Holy Father has warned us about.

Until then, I think the only way you can stay out of a state of mortal sin is to refrain from sexual relations. She may see it as a punishment or a threat, so I would probably explain it to her before you take your stand.

Your wife sounds like me before I learned the church’s position on contraception. With love and compassion she may open her heart and mind to the concept.

Good Luck to you.

PS I see youre a DMB fan!

 

[gardenswithkids]

trippnbillies:

She was not excited about that at all, and does not believe that it is right for the Church to tell her what to do as it pertains to her/our fertility. Of course, she let me know that basically everyone she knows uses contraception, and so why shouldn’t we? She does not agree that it is a mortal sin, and is not prepared at this time to change this practice.
.

Unlike you, who has just learned of this teaching, your wife has probably known of it for years and ignored it. That hardens the conscience. Compounding the problem is the bad example (and possibly bad teaching) from other Catholics she knows.

This is a tough dilema, and as pointed out there are other threads that discuss similar situations to yours. You certainly aren’t alone in that problem. There is also a church document called “Vademecum for Confessors” that offers advice to help priests council. The Church doesn’t neccesarily require abstinance in such situations. You can find it at: www.catholic-family.org/documents/Vademecum-orig.htm

Besides reading the Vademecum, I also recommend that you pray (and possibly fast) for your wife. If you are prone to fight about this, arguing about this may just harden her further, so speak to her about it lovingly and then take your concerns and hurt to God. He wants your marriage to reflect Christ’s love for the Church, and sometimes that means a husband must love his wife in spite of what she does.

 

[Pug]

Tripp,

I’m so sorry you are in this bind. I hope it works out that your conviction and prayer will slowly trickle over to your wife. First, you may not use a condom or in any way yourself participate in the contraception with her.

It is not a foregone conclusion, as I understand it, that you have to refuse to have relations with her if she insists on using the pill or such. However, if you do chose to have relations with her while she is on the pill, you run a serious risk of engaging in “formal” cooperation with the sin. If you personally feel it would be formal cooperation, you cannot do it, and you must abstain.

The only way would be if somehow you could keep it down to “material” cooperation. Moralists disagree on if that is possible. Assuming it is possible, then you might be able to choose to have relations, but you would be obliged to seek to alter her opinion on the matter, and not merely give in. Of course, be sensible about that. Don’t nag or drive her away. Just what seems gentle and appropriate.

I strongly suggest talking with a confessor (priest) about what you can and cannot do. He could help you sort it out. If you have serious reason to continue having relations with her while she is on the pill, say to prevent divorce, then assuming it is determined that it would only be material cooperation, then it may be okay to have relations. Without a serious reason, I’d skip the relations.

Also, if you do have relations with her while she is on the pill, you know her best, is it possible that this action of yours will convince her that you are a hypocrite and that Catholics are hypocrites about this issue, and then her beliefs with regards to birth control will be even more harmed? If you see it could harm her this way, I would consider skipping the relations. That would be a large harm to her. Consider which course of action would best indicate the truth to your wife.

BTW, you are not obliged to render the marital debt if you are being forced into contraceptive sex. You can choose to abstain if you desire. I have been assuming, however, that you would prefer not to do so.

There are soooo many factors, and it is a super delicate situation. I wish you luck, and try a priest! He’ll know more than us on the board, and can better sort out the factors in your personal situation.

 

[rastell]

Pug:

Tripp,
I’m so sorry you are in this bind. I hope it works out that your conviction and prayer will slowly trickle over to your wife. First, you may not use a condom or in any way yourself participate in the contraception with her.

It is not a foregone conclusion, as I understand it, that you have to refuse to have relations with her if she insists on using the pill or such. However, if you do chose to have relations with her while she is on the pill, you run a serious risk of engaging in “formal” cooperation with the sin. If you personally feel it would be formal cooperation, you cannot do it, and you must abstain.
.

I would think the pill would be worse than the condom since with the pill there is a chance there could be an abortion.

 

[trippnbillies]

Thanks for the replies and thoughts. I have decided to consult with a priest on the issue.

BTW, Stratus, we are HUGE DMB fans. Really enjoy their music, especially live!

Thanks to all of you.

 

[1ke]

trippnbillies:

My question is this. Where does that leave me? If I am unable to convince my wife to utilize NFP with me, then how do I avoid committing a mortal sin? It seems that I have recently been blessed with the fullness of God’s truth for us, and just as I have my eyes opened, I am about to get shut out by my spouse who was raised Catholic, but doesn’t subscribe to one of the Church’s teachings.

You do not commit a mortal sin if she contracepts. You are not required to abstain from relations. Talk to your pastor, there are documents produced by the church on this very topic to guide pastors in advising their flock on the subject. As long as you are not contracepting (condoms, vasectomy, etc) then you are not sinning if you merely tolerate her contraception while continuing to attempt to get her to stop. Not constant nagging, but lovingly over time-- educate.

Visit www.omsoul.com and load up on their stuff. Also, get the books Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West and Life Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn as starting points.

Good luck!

 

[StratusRose]

1ke:

You do not commit a mortal sin if she contracepts. You are not required to abstain from relations. Talk to your pastor, there are documents produced by the church on this very topic to guide pastors in advising their flock on the subject. As long as you are not contracepting (condoms, vasectomy, etc) then you are not sinning if you merely tolerate her contraception while continuing to attempt to get her to stop. Not constant nagging, but lovingly over time-- educate.

Visit www.omsoul.com and load up on their stuff. Also, get the books Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West and Life Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn as starting points.

Good luck!

This doesn’t make any sense. So it’s the “evil” woman’s fault and not his? The intent is still there which is to prevent life from beginning. As a husband, it is his duty to help his wife be the person God wants her to be, would he be helping her achieve that goal by saying, “Hey, its you that’s using contraception, not me!” What would Jesus say about this? Would he say, “Good job buddy, YOU did not use condoms and didn’t get a vasectomy, you’re in the clear in my book!”

A married couple is considered one in the eyes of the church. His wife should not be held accountable for carrying the whole burden of this offense when he is now realizing that it is wrong!

In the words of Scott Hahn, “Delayed obedience is disobedience.”

 

[1ke]

StratusRose:

This doesn’t make any sense. So it’s the “evil” woman’s fault and not his? The intent is still there which is to prevent life from beginning. As a husband, it is his duty to help his wife be the person God wants her to be, would he be helping her achieve that goal by saying, “Hey, its you that’s using contraception, not me!” What would Jesus say about this? Would he say, “Good job buddy, YOU did not use condoms and didn’t get a vasectomy, you’re in the clear in my book!”

A married couple is considered one in the eyes of the church. His wife should not be held accountable for carrying the whole burden of this offense when he is now realizing that it is wrong!

In the words of Scott Hahn, “Delayed obedience is disobedience.”

I am not culpable for another person’s sin. I cannot STOP them from sinning-- they have free will.

A husband is not culpable for a wife’s sin if he clearly states his objection and attempts to convince her not to sin. He cannot STOP her from contracepting. She has free will.

The husband is not committing a sin.

 

[Rascal]

Stratus Rose, interesting comment. So do you examine your spouse’s conscience and confess your spouse’s sins when you go to confession? I’m not sure that I agree that your spouse’s sins are your sins as well.

I think in this situation, as long as the spouse educates and prays for the truth of contraception to be revealed, the non-contracepting spouse can’t be considered sinning. This is an area I haven’t read through very much.

Although personally, I would admit it would be very hard, if my wife was using contraceptives that may cause an abortion. I’m not sure I could live with that.

 

[StratusRose]

So would you buy goods from someone who you know stole them from someone else? Is that morally licit? I mean, YOU’RE not the one who is doing the stealing, but just merely buying from them.

Rascal, you can just stop the sarcasm right there. Of course I would not confess my spouse’s sins. However, I am not going to just let someone continue the sin by going along with it. Refer to the example above.

 

[The_Hidden_Life]

Hi Trippnbillies,
You should continue to pray for your wife’s conversion on the matter (and others? I would guess she does not accept other teachings of the Church if she ignores this one) as well as gently encouraging her to quit the pill or using other contraceptive devices. And of course you must refuse to use condoms or get a vasectomy or even to put it bluntly use the “withdrawal” method.

If I were you I would research the nitty-gritty details of NFP methods as much as possible, so that you can answer her arguments when they inevitably arise. Many people have mistaken ideas of what NFP entails so it’s better to have a ready defense rather than saying I don’t know.

Other things you can do: get to know another couple that uses NFP in real life, discuss fears or concerns about having a baby (or another one if you already have children), make sure that you are financially secure (this may be one reason she worries about another baby), etc.

If her sole reason is that she doesn’t see the Church as having teaching authority over “her body” then maybe you can discuss with her all the other things that the Church teaches that she does believe in and ask why is the body any different. Also read Humanae Vitae for yourself and see if she’ll listen to you read any of it outloud. You might ask her to listen to you read it to help you understand what is being said. Even if she doesn’t agree right away she might at least hear some authentic teaching instead of a bunch of misconceptions.

And the “everybody else is doing it” argument is lame and you should tell her so. Didn’t we all learn that bit about “if your friends were jumping off a bridge would you do it too?” from our mothers? Maybe she’s not comfortable with being counter-cultural. But a lot of Catholic teaching IS radically counter to the culture, even within cradle Catholic families! So be patient and take baby steps with her. Realize that you are probably ahead of her in the faith and that yes, she may be a baby in the faith (still in the cradle!) compared to you.

God bless you both.

 

[Catholic2003]

Here is a better link for the Vademecum. The relevant portion is:

1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist (46). This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:

• 1. when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself (47);
• 1. when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
• 1. when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).

1. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect (48).

Footnotes:

(46) “Holy Church knows full well that not infrequently, one of the parties is sinned against rather than sinning, when for a grave cause he or she reluctantly allows the perversion of the right order. In such a case, there is no sin, provided that, mindful of the law of charity, he or she does not neglect to seek to dissuade and to deter the partner from sin” (Pius XI, Enc. Casti Connubii, AAS 22, 1930)

(47) 3 Cf. Denzinger-Schönmetzer, Enchiridion Symbolorum, 2795, 3634.

(48) “From the moral standpoint, it is never licit to cooperate formally in evil. Such cooperation occurs when an action, either by its very nature or by the form it takes in a concrete situation, can be defined as a direct participation in an act against innocent human life or a sharing in the immoral intention of the person committing it” (John Paul II, Enc. Evangelium Vitae, March 25, 1995, n. 74).

 

[Pug]

I would think the pill would be worse than the condom since with the pill there is a chance there could be an abortion.

Rastell,

I was thinking about actions which require the man to participate verses actions which don’t. To use a condom as the method of choice would require the man to fully cooperate and require him to actively “do” contraception. With the pill, the man can separate himself from it. He does not have to cooperate for it to take place.

I was trying to indicate that the original poster (a man) can’t cooperate with his wife to the point of using a condom, because that would involve being fully in the sin. The pill can possibly be done entirely by the woman without the male being directly involved in procuring it or “using” it.

I was not trying to indicate which methods are worse in and of themselves. Hope that clears it up.

 

[gardenswithkids]

StratusRose:

This doesn’t make any sense. So it’s the “evil” woman’s fault and not his? The intent is still there which is to prevent life from beginning. As a husband, it is his duty to help his wife be the person God wants her to be, would he be helping her achieve that goal by saying, “Hey, its you that’s using contraception, not me!”

StratusRose, as Catholic2003’s quote from the Vademecum points out, in some cases “some of the parties are sinned against.” If the husband is asking and praying that his wife stop using contraception, he is being sinned against while he tries to help her become the person God wants. He is being deprived of the gift of any more children by his wife and of chastity in his marriage. But if he’s just sitting back, washing his hands and saying “it’s not me who’s contacepting” while getting the exact results he desires, that’s a different story.

I think the original poster is wise to seek the counsil of a priest. A priest may help to sort out the motives, which can sometimes be mixed. However, I know some priests give bad advice, which could make the situation even worse. Anyone facing this type of marital problems, I suggest you pray that God direct you to the right priest, and then pray for that priest too. And know the Church teachings before you meet so you can discuss their applications to your specific situation.

 

[StratusRose]

gardenswithkids:

StratusRose, as Catholic2003’s quote from the Vademecum points out, in some cases “some of the parties are sinned against.” If the husband is asking and praying that his wife stop using contraception, he is being sinned against while he tries to help her become the person God wants. He is being deprived of the gift of any more children by his wife and of chastity in his marriage. But if he’s just sitting back, washing his hands and saying “it’s not me who’s contacepting” while getting the exact results he desires, that’s a different story.

I think the original poster is wise to seek the counsil of a priest. A priest may help to sort out the motives, which can sometimes be mixed. However, I know some priests give bad advice, which could make the situation even worse. Anyone facing this type of marital problems, I suggest you pray that God direct you to the right priest, and then pray for that priest too. And know the Church teachings before you meet so you can discuss their applications to your specific situation.

Ok, I guess you’re right. I’m glad this got cleared up.

 

[javelin]

trippnbillies,

I am in a very similar situation, although my wife has to this point swallowed her pride and trusted in me and God as much as she is able, and we are practicing very strict NFP.

When in the throes of discerning how to approach this, I spoke with a very orthodox msgr. about it, who has taught morals and ethics courses in seminary. His response was essentially what was posted previously from the Vademecum. It is in taking direct action to avoid the possibility of life while also participating in the marital act whereby we sin. So, if she is the one contracepting (“taking action against life”), then you are not sinning in the marital act.

However, it is possible that you are sinning against her if you are complicit in her sin (the contracepting, not the marital act), as in aiding her in purchasing or using the contraceptives, or if you were coercing or tempting her into relations so often that she felt compelled to contracept due to other serious reasons that she might feel she should not be pregnant. Therefore you should make sure as much as possible that she understands that contracepting is sinful, and you wish your marital union to be free of that sin.

I think it is always important to point out, and this may clarify how one is complicit in this sin or not, that the marital act between spouses in not made sinful by contracepting; rather, it is the act of contracepting that is sinful, while the marital act itself is still moral (provided there are no other reasons for it being immoral).

I will pray for you, as I understand how difficult this situation is.

Peace,
javelin