Spouse who doesn't take responsibility for own actions

[holyrood]

Hi–

I’m just looking for prayers, support, and maybe advice, on dealing with a spouse who does not take resposibility for his own actions.

We’ve been married 18 years, and through those years, he has blamed me for one thing after another, large and small, that he has done. When he couldn’t find a way to blame me, he blamed others. For instance, he’s had some questionable friendships with other women, and at one point denied responsibility, saying this girl just started sending him e-mails, and what could he do? (He was also replying to them without fail, and answering her ‘surveys’ and ‘questionnaires’ she sent, so it was not just a matter of her sending things he ignored.)

Another example would be that if I bring up an issue that is very important to me, he won’t answer until I bring it up again, at which point I can guarantee I’ll get one of two answers: either, I waited too long to bring it up again, so he thought (my fault, of course) that it wasn’t important anymore, or I didn’t wait long enough, and didn’t give him a chance. I finally came to realize that I will never hit it ‘just right.’ Ditto for how often I mention things. If I tell him something important 2 or 3 times, he tells me he didn’t hear and it’s my fault for not saying it again. If I tell him 3 or 4 times, then I’m a controlling nag (and he paints an ugly picture of me to all his friends and co-workers and then comes back to tell me how awful they think I am.)

I discovered months ago that he’d run up a $10,000 credit card bill. He strongly hinted that was my fault because I didn’t give him money to help with the bills-- never mind that he didn’t tell me he needed any, and in fact, kept buying and buying and buying ($200 for junk food and lattes, one month) and when I asked questions, told me we were fine.

We have been to Retrouvaille. We are in counseling. But right now, I’m having a hard time coping with this. I am losing or have lost, all respect for him. It’s like living with a little boy who still blames everyone else.

 

[chevalier]

I’m not sure what I could tell you, since you’ve been married for almost as long as I’ve lived (I’m 24 now), but I surely would like to be able to tell you something. I’ll be praying for you anyway.

As for the big boy and lack of responsibility issues, it’s possible that he paints a bad picture of you not as a matter of badmouthing you but rather venting. However, if he then comes and talks about how bad his friends see you, using his friends’ opinion to back his own stance, that’s quite childish, yes. Another thing that comes to my mind is that he might be sheltering himself from guilt as a result of some experiences from his childhood or early youth. I can tell you from experience (not sure how reliable, though), that people who’ve been manipulated using their sense of guilt, are quite prone to cutting it off because they don’t want to be used or manipulated anymore. People who are being nagged a lot also want some rest from it, so they will not be satisfied with any frequency high or low. Similarly people who are being faced with a lot of requests from many directions will run into what my aunt calls “mañana”, that is they will develop some pattern of pushing it aside and sheltering themselves. Maybe your husband feels overwhelmed by the total number of issues and requests? Sometimes something just breaks in people and they don’t want to be bothered anymore. In my experience, it’s more frequent in male-female relations than in other things, so maybe it comes down to some differences in the style of communication? Perhaps you could ask him how he wants you to address problems or frame requests, and then hold him to it? The issue of $10000 on the credit card and not asking you to help, and then saying you don’t help him, that’s screaming communication problems to me. Maybe you need some kind of therapy, maybe some mediation to help you come to some agreements and arrangements?

 

[1ke]

He has serious mental problems, and you cannot change or fix that. With therapy on his own, he may be able to deal with his issues if he chooses to recognize there is a problem.

He has flawed character, and I am afraid I can offer no advice to you. You cannot fix it.

Personally, I’d leave and seek professional help and protection via the courts before he spent me out of house and home. He sounds like a menace to you and your children (if you have any).

 

[KCT]

Another spouse of a “blamer” here .

Dh was diagnosed ADD a few years back, but after a while I suspected it was more than just ADD.

I finally went to a counselor to help me become more assertive. It’s great for me, but bad for dh! He got more annoyed that I wouldn’t just put up with stuff anymore.

He finally agreed to see someone. The psyc thinks it’s mood disorders more than just ADD.

Personally, we’ve benefitted from individual counseling. We’ll probably go to marriage counseling at some point, but he needs to get a handle on his mood disorders (or ADD or whatever) before counseling together will be effective.

God bless you! —KCT

 

[nana3]

Hi–

I’m just looking for prayers, support, and maybe advice, on dealing with a spouse who does not take resposibility for his own actions.

We’ve been married 18 years, and through those years, he has blamed me for one thing after another, large and small, that he has done. When he couldn’t find a way to blame me, he blamed others. For instance, he’s had some questionable friendships with other women, and at one point denied responsibility, saying this girl just started sending him e-mails, and what could he do? (He was also replying to them without fail, and answering her ‘surveys’ and ‘questionnaires’ she sent, so it was not just a matter of her sending things he ignored.)

Another example would be that if I bring up an issue that is very important to me, he won’t answer until I bring it up again, at which point I can guarantee I’ll get one of two answers: either, I waited too long to bring it up again, so he thought (my fault, of course) that it wasn’t important anymore, or I didn’t wait long enough, and didn’t give him a chance. I finally came to realize that I will never hit it ‘just right.’ Ditto for how often I mention things. If I tell him something important 2 or 3 times, he tells me he didn’t hear and it’s my fault for not saying it again. If I tell him 3 or 4 times, then I’m a controlling nag (and he paints an ugly picture of me to all his friends and co-workers and then comes back to tell me how awful they think I am.)

I discovered months ago that he’d run up a $10,000 credit card bill. He strongly hinted that was my fault because I didn’t give him money to help with the bills-- never mind that he didn’t tell me he needed any, and in fact, kept buying and buying and buying ($200 for junk food and lattes, one month) and when I asked questions, told me we were fine.

We have been to Retrouvaille. We are in counseling. But right now, I’m having a hard time coping with this. I am losing or have lost, all respect for him. It’s like living with a little boy who still blames everyone else.

Welcome to our forum, holyrood. I am sorry that you are married to a man who doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. I will say that my husband was the same way. He use to blame me for everything. I remember when we were first married how he would misplace something, but blame me for “hiding it.” That happened a lot. He would lose his temper very easily and yell at me for no reason. Does your husband do this? Does he have a temper or anger problem? As someone else already said, it sounds like he has some mental health issues. Look up “borderline personality disorder or narsacissitic personality disorder” and see if he fixes any of these. If he does have some mental issues than he needs therapy alone before you can work on your marital problems. We went to many marriage counselors and they all said the same thing, that they needed to see hubby first alone to work on some issues before they could work on us as a couple. My husband did go see a psychiatrist and psychologist and he is so different today. He is on medication and I noticed a BIG difference in him from before the medicine. I use to think as you do that I was married to a little boy. He would throw a tantrum if he did not get to buy what he wanted or have me do as he wanted. He had and still has many addictions for this is how he faces life. The biggest of his addiction now is to food. He is also physically disabled, but if he could work as he did in the past, he would not relate well to people and was very argumentative. I have only been married 8 years, but only recently have we been much better than we have all our married life. I won’t say for sure your husband has a mental illness or that you should leave him for you alone can decide that, but hopefully he will see that he needs help. I know that I use to think that dh’s behavior was not normal. Do you feel that way? Do you feel that you might lose your mind?

 

[holyrood]

I’ll be praying for you anyway.

People who are being nagged a lot also want some rest from it, so they will not be satisfied with any frequency high or low. Similarly people who are being faced with a lot of requests from many directions will run into what my aunt calls “mañana”, that is they will develop some pattern of pushing it aside and sheltering themselves. Maybe your husband feels overwhelmed by the total number of issues and requests?

Chevalier, thank you for your prayers. You have made some good points. He was raised in an alcoholic home, and does bear many of the ‘characteristic’ traits of adult children of alcoholics. I am positive I have not been a nag. I vowed before ever marrying I would not be that. If anything, I’ve gone too far in the opposite direction. When he drove too close to other people, I said something two or three times, then kept it to myself. It took him hitting other drivers three times (thankfully, at extremely low impacts, approaching stop lights) before he changed that behavior. I could give other examples, but I think that gives the idea.

He and his sister jointly decided I was (am?) ‘controlling.’ It took me almost 14 years to get an answer as to what I actually did that was controlling, and the answer was that I paid off a credit card bill 16 years ago to avoid finance charges. So you may be right. He may feel overwhelmed with demands, but I truly believe it’s something inside of him that is going to feel that way no matter what. I just don’t believe anymore that it’s really about anything I’m actually doing. I guess that’s why I’m to the point of just begging for prayers.

ETA: about the communiation, I totally agree with you. But again, I have done everything in my power, and I simply cannot force the man to communicate. And it gets back into the blaming me for something no matter what I do. When I ask too many questions, I am accused of something negative (perhaps being controlling, or not trusting him, or being suspicious) so if I’d asked about the charges (and how do you ask about a credit card you’re not even aware your husband has?) I would have been guilty, and because I didn’t know about them and the need for money, I’m guilty.

We are in counseling, and hopefully that and prayers will work a miracle. I believe he wants to save this marriage. Hopefully enough.

 

[holyrood]

He would lose his temper very easily and yell at me for no reason. Does your husband do this? Does he have a temper or anger problem? As someone else already said, it sounds like he has some mental health issues. Look up “borderline personality disorder or narsacissitic personality disorder” and see if he fixes any of these.

…I know that I use to think that dh’s behavior was not normal. Do you feel that way? Do you feel that you might lose your mind?

Funny thing is, everyone thinks he’s so laid back, but at home, yes, he does have a temper. I don’t know if I was so swayed by the public persona and belief, or what, but it’s only in the last two years that I’ve realized part of why I’ve allowed things to go on so long is that I knew if I pushed the issue, he’d get in a bad mood, and take it out on the kids, with yelling and snapping at them and criticizing them unjustly. I look back and realize that I spent years never leaving the house except to work, and then racing home as fast as I could afterward (and it turns out while I was scared to take more than 59 minutes to make the hour commute home, the swine-- pardon me, is my anger showing? please pray for me to forgive-- was having coffee with another woman every week after HE finished work, and lying to me about it.)

Both borderline and narcissistic p.d. have been suggested. I have no idea if the counselor sees or thinks this. The last one asked me if I couldn’t just reframe his lies, in my own mind, as, “Hmmm… that’s inexplicable,” rather than, “He just lied to me again,” and if I couldn’t just pretend everything is okay.

YES, I HAVE FELT DH’S BEHAVIOR WAS NORMAL AND I WAS LOSING MY MIND!!! :crying: If you’ve been there, you know what a relief it is to hear someone else acknowledge this!

Again, I think all I can really ask for is prayers. We’re in counseling. I believe he loves me and wants to save this marriage, but does not really acknowledge that anything he’s done is wrong or hurtful. Every once in awhile he’ll scream something at me like, “Why can you forgive everyone in your life, and give everyone in your life second chances, except me?” and then he goes right back to telling me he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, but that I’m just ‘being ridiculous,’ overreacting, etc. ’

 

[kage_ar]

I discovered months ago that he’d run up a $10,000 credit card bill. He strongly hinted that was my fault because I didn’t give him money to help with the bills-- never mind that he didn’t tell me he needed any, and in fact, kept buying and buying and buying ($200 for junk food and lattes, one month) and when I asked questions, told me we were fine.

As far as a married couple and money goes - there are two ways to go, separate or combined.

Separate, you each have your paycheck and your bills, you split all the responsibilities and pay only for your part.

Joint, where the paycheck(s) go into one bank account. You pay bills out of your combined funds. If you are working this way, you need access to the bank accounts - go online and check the balance and transactions. Only one person looking at them and telling the other “we’re fine” apparently does not work. Get some light into your finances.

 

[holyrood]

We have separate accounts (so that I know I can save something and it won’t all be spent, being the theory). He has his own credit cards in his name, which he doesn’t make a point of telling me about. The charge was run up on one of those cards, and I can now either leave him to pay it off himself, which will take years, or help out with the money I saved. Had I asked questions, I would have been criticized for that. Which is why I believe nothing but prayers will open his eyes to what he’s doing to me and our family. He has been very good at always finding a way to blame me, no matter what happens.

 

[chevalier]

Hmm… I think pressure might be pushing him into failure, I don’t know. I’m sort of only guessing because his personality seems to be what I’ve been accused of at times, including my last girlfriend who has quit. Can it be that people keeping expecting things from him and not giving him enough appreciation, respect, regard and attention (if it be only in his mind) are driving him into failure? Stupid acts, inexplicable failures? Maybe he was really good at something in the past but criticism stunted his growth in that area and gave him some kind of stress disorder? I can tell you that too many failures can definitely lead to even more failure with a person susceptible to that kind of influence, especially if there is nagging. I think if I had three people talking about my driving, I could lose my nerve and hit something and I would definitely flunk any task if I had people over my head - and there’s always someone having problem with my methods of doing things. Maybe your husband has something like that? Too many deadlines to make him live? Enough paperwork to make him feel dwarfed and dominated by nonsense bureaucracy? Perceived failing everyone’s expectations? I think he’s dealing with some very heavy frustrations and it’s not something like being a big child or not having responsibility, more like something disheartening and thwarting him. Does he also multiply problems up to infinity whenever you ask something that requires quite a bit of effort? Have you noticed how praise affects his productivity? Or how his behaviour changes if he has a willing ear to listen to whatever he has to say? Or how he works and lives when he’s had enough rest, enough diversion?

What’s somewhat childish is how he deals with money, as a normal person with heavy troubles would normally shake it off when in danger of running an actual, threatening debt. Perhaps it’s depression of sorts that doesn’t make him fight for his homestead (and what else is paying off debts) as the kind of personality he seems to have would suggest fighting to death for his “four walls”. The way he spends money on lattes seems irresonsible but maybe he had a great psychological need of some sort.

It looks to me like he can’t find his place and can’t cope with reality for some reason. Maybe he needs someone to listen to his problems, show him enough care and concern and support - in his scale, not the other person’s, appreciate what he does, what he can do, what man he is, what he has achieved. Perhaps he need to get out of a pattern of seeing himself as a victim of mistreating and generally hurt by everyone at every step. I guess he feels misunderstood (and he does have a communication problem - I’ve seen some of it in myself to a lesser extent and basically, memories of some past reaction to his talking about problems may be preventing him from sharing them again, which leaves problems unsolved and him alienating himself and falling into apathy), rushed, overwhelmed, underappreciated and maybe controlled, but the last one is tricky. It also looks like he lives in the past - come on, 16 years ago… a single bill. Whoever is helping him with his conclusions is doing him a misservice. The last thing coming to my mind is that he might be thinking about something a lot and it might be giving him a lot of stress too - that could explain being unfocused enough to hit other drivers.

Maybe you could talk about him with a professional psychologist?

 

[ldv]

Hello,

I am sorry your going through such hard times. I will pray for you and your family.

Thanks,

Luiz

 

[mariam1976]

my dear…i know exactly what you are going through… my stbx husband was the same way too… everything was my fault… the issues he had at work, his promotions, his money problems everything…
although they started much before i knew him or even married him…
also, his friends just like yours, validated his feelings all the time as they had no sense of right or wrong… also, it was fun for them as they could inject poison into our relationship… i think part of the thing is that they feel like they are so much better off by doing this…
when you describe him, i feel like i was married to the same person… mine put me through the same kind of torture… i lost all respect for him… mine thought that no matter what he said or did, i had to respect him as he was the HUSBAND!!!
i hope you get through this and he grows up FAST!!!
i had to give up after a while as nothing seemed to get through to him and to top it off, he was an extreme case of passive aggressive…

 

[nana3]

Both borderline and narcissistic p.d. have been suggested. I have no idea if the counselor sees or thinks this. The last one asked me if I couldn’t just reframe his lies, in my own mind, as, “Hmmm… that’s inexplicable,” rather than, “He just lied to me again,” and if I couldn’t just pretend everything is okay.

YES, I HAVE FELT DH’S BEHAVIOR WAS NORMAL AND I WAS LOSING MY MIND!!! :crying: If you’ve been there, you know what a relief it is to hear someone else acknowledge this!

Again, I think all I can really ask for is prayers. We’re in counseling. I believe he loves me and wants to save this marriage, but does not really acknowledge that anything he’s done is wrong or hurtful. Every once in awhile he’ll scream something at me like, “Why can you forgive everyone in your life, and give everyone in your life second chances, except me?” and then he goes right back to telling me he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, but that I’m just ‘being ridiculous,’ overreacting, etc. ’

Oh, I have been there and yes I do understand. I have felt many times that I was losing my mind. I went from a quiet shy woman to a very depressed one, to a fight- back aggressive one to just being assertive now. I will pray for you for if he does have one of these PD, and it sounds like one of these two, your life at times is a living hell. At least, mine was. God bless your for hanging in so long and giving your marriage a chance. I really think that he does need counseling alone before the couple can be treated, but if you stop, would he also? I really thank God that my husband did realize that something was wrong with him and in his thinking. He was very immature when it came to money and spent more than what we had at times and we have fought many times about that. Thank God those days are over. He has matured so much and improved so much. He never had positive affirmations from his mom or dad, but was criticized so much in childhood all the way up to his young adulthood. It is no wonder he still has problem for it was a lifetime of bad learned behavior. I remember thinking that he had so many bad habits when we were first married. I remember him throwing tantrums when plans had to be changed for reasons beyond our control. There were a lot of things wrong, but the biggest was the blaming me for everything he did wrong and the anger.
The part that you mention about him saying that you can forgive everyone else but him reminds me of a similiar experience. I am normally a very forgiving person and try to be merciful to everyone. I had forgiven my husband over and over again, but after a while I got sick of the “I’m sorry!” and didn’t want to hear it anymore. It took a priest to help my husband see that if he kept apologing for the same things over and over again and not change his behavior that in reality he was not sorry and that is why I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I over heard the conversation and that is how I knew what the priest said to him. We discussed it in the car on the way home and he asked if that is how I felt. I said yes.
You sound like you pray a lot and know that this is something that the Lord needs to heal. Keep praying and don’t give up hope. I am so sorry that he was out with other women though, that has to hurt. My husband never did that, but did turn to pornography and lied so much about that. I am only just recently beginning to trust him again. He has realized that he broke that trust. Marriage is a cross and not always easy. Marriage takes a lot of prayers and dedication and you know that and so does your husband. YOu said he wants to work on your marriage and that is a huge blessing already. My husband also wanted to work on the marriage and he did. He started out slow, but now is really trying. I am glad to see that you have not given up hope for your marriage. Stand firm in your faith and really on Our Blessed Mother for help and prayers. I also turn to St. Rita and St. Monica for intercessory prayers. I had a holy priest tell me to ask St. Joseph to pray for my husband. It works even though many times I felt it wasn’t. Pray and stand firm in our wonderful Catholic Faith and all its Sacraments.

 

[holyrood]

I went from a quiet shy woman to a very depressed one, to a fight- back aggressive one to just being assertive now.

Yes, that sounds like the stages I’m going through. I’m fighting my way out of depression, trying not to become a complete aggressive &!@ And hopefully will soon achieve mere assertiveness.

I will pray for you for if he does have one of these PD, and it sounds like one of these two, your life at times is a living hell. … I really think that he does need counseling alone before the couple can be treated, but if you stop, would he also?

I’ve mentioned the growing up in an alcoholic home. The counselor has not dealt with that. He just says we have to forget everything in the past, start fresh, and build a relationship. So I don’t know if he thinks DH has real ‘problems.’ He’s also big on marriage counseling being done AS A COUPLE, but within 4 or 5 sessions, suggested we each come for a session alone. I don’t think I’ll stop, although I’m considering going alone.

He never had positive affirmations from his mom or dad, but was criticized so much… It is no wonder he still has problem for it was a lifetime of bad learned behavior.

Yes, here, too. Lying is typical of growing up in an alcoholic home, for example. But so far, the counselor’s suggestion is that I have to just make a choice to trust him again, or I’m ‘discouraging’ him. I have trusted him many times, and found myself the fool again. I think he needs to deal with his attitude that lying makes you ‘smarter’ as he once told me. (Because everyone goes away happy and you keep the peace.)

The part that you mention about him saying that you can forgive everyone else but him reminds me of a similiar experience. …after a while I got sick of the “I’m sorry!” and didn’t want to hear it anymore.

Yes, I think the fact that he can see I’ve forgiven everyone else should tell him something. I’ve given him many chances, and he took it as a message I’m a doormat, not as a second chance.

He has changed some of the behavior. But he has never really apologized. He yells at me that he’s always apologizing, or yells, “I’m sorry BUT…” and then launches into reasons why it’s my fault anyway, or why he didn’t really do anything wrong.

I am so sorry that he was out with other women though, that has to hurt.

The counselor wants me to view this as just having coffee with a co-worker after work. To me, it’s different when it’s weekly, goes on for years, he lies about where he was, and years later he’s using her name as his password. That was only woman #1. Whether he slept with any of them, I don’t know. What really hurts right now is that he was trading warm-fuzzy ‘forward’ e-mails with a woman at work, almost daily. I have told him how much it would mean to me to get e-mails, and he simply can’t be bothered. .

I am only just recently beginning to trust him again. He has realized that he broke that trust.

How long did it take to start trusting? What made him realize he’d broken trust? My husband does not admit or appear to grasp, that lying breaks trust.

YOu said he wants to work on your marriage and that is a huge blessing already. My husband also wanted to work on the marriage and he did. He started out slow, but now is really trying.

Same here. I see a lot of effort, but a lot of problems still (the blaming me, for one.)

I am glad to see that you have not given up hope for your marriage. … I also turn to St. Rita and St. Monica … I had a holy priest tell me to ask St. Joseph to pray for my husband. It works even though many times I felt it wasn’t.

We have a statue of St. Rita that a friend gave us. She had no idea who she was, but ‘heard’ a voice telling her to get it for me. I pray to St. Rita and St. Monica, have prayed to St. Joseph, have said literally thousands of rosaries over the past 14 years, and you’re right, it doesn’t feel like anyone’s listening or caring. I try to see the many positive changes. But it is still so hurtful to see how much he loved trading those e-mails with a girl known for sleeping with married men and how equally obviously he has no interest in sending me any sort of e-mails. It is infuriating and hurtful to be ignored.

I’m sorry to say, but ‘not given up hope’ is a bit too optimistic. More like, I just keep telling myself, I won’t crush my kids and tear apart their world this week. Actually, I’ve moved from ‘not today’ to ‘not this month.’ I guess that’s progress.

Thank you for your encouragement. It has given me a ‘second wind’ to go talk with Rita, Monica, and Joseph again!

Thank you, everyone else, too. Chevalier, thank you for your thoughts. It does help me to see him in a more compassionate light, which allows me to feel a little less hurt by the undeniably hurtful things he has done.

 

[jules11]

He sounds a lot like my husband.
Go to bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
You may find some answers.
God bless you.
I’ll remember you in my prayers.

 

[nana3]

How long did it take to start trusting? What made him realize he’d broken trust? My husband does not admit or appear to grasp, that lying breaks trust.

My husband use to lie about having porno in the house or in his car. He did this not once, but many times. I would say that it took about a year before I could trust him. He realize that the lying was worse than the pornography, but it was so difficult for him to admit that he did lie.

About your counselor, I disagree with him or her that your husband’s past is in the past. The past affects the future and his present. How can he be a good husband if he never knew how to be one from his dad? I don’t know who was the alcoholic. How can he unlearn all the bad behavior if no one helps him to do this. When we went to marriage counseling, the counselors that to susgest another counselor just for my husband and to help him deal with his feelings of his parents. He was so very angry at his mother and therefore had a terrible image of women in general. I say that past does affect the person in the present. I would look for another counselor. Yes, you need counseling for you alone also. I had to be put on antidepressants at one time when I was so depressed that I did not care if my dd ate or if she misbehaved and etc. It was bad and a very nice nurse practitioner looked at me in the face eye to eye and told me that I looked very depressed and for my sake and my dd that I needed help. I got the help and glad I did. It made me a better mommy to my dd.

You say that you do not have hope that it is optimistic of me to say so. Can I ask you a very personal question? Do you love your husband? The reason I ask is because with me I loved my husband as a fellow human being and the man I married, but I did not like him and who he was or how he treated me. This affected romantic love. Has this happened to you? I am so sorry that he will not change his ways with this other woman and emailing her. Can you be the one to say enough is enough and that he must stop this behavior?

I totally understand how you want to keep the family together for the sake of the kids. I feel the same way, but I don’t know how you lasted so long. I have only been married for 8 yrs. and the first five were living hell and I wanted a divorce almost every month, depending on his anger and yelling at me. I think that if he had not changed, I would not still be married today. I even did not want anymore children because of our unhappy marriage and the anger outburst and rages. As it is that was one reason of two that we stopped at one child. The major reason is my health. As I said, I do understand for divorce really hurts the family and not only that, if you have children under 12, they have to go visit dad whether they want to or not and you are not there to defend them from their dad. My sister is divorce and her two small children are suffering so much at the hands of their dad who has a terrible temper. I have seen him lose it with the kids and I hate it. The law will not do anything and the only way, at least here in Florida, that a man does not see his children is sexual abuse. My sister has report excessive physical abuse and verbal abuse and nothing is done about it. According to two lawyers so far, the United States feels that both parents involved in the children’s life is best for the child and I agree, but not when one parent is verbally and physically abusive to the child. I can so understand you on this one and protecting your children.

 

[holyrood]

Do I love my husband? Ironically, I’d say I ‘like’ him (he’s very personable and pleasant to be with) but don’t love him. I am so disgusted by years of lies, deceit, blaming, and totally discounting what matters to me.

He has stopped e-mailing the other women. He cut one off after 2 or 3 discussions (in which I simply said to move her to our joint account if it was all innocent) and 2 screaming matches. He claimed, later, not to have heard me the first several times I asked him to stop having private e-mails with her. With the lengthy friendship, I did give him an ultimatum and he did end it, telling her I’d given him an ultimatum, he had to choose his family, and he hopes she and her husband never have to go through what he’s going through. That kind of sums up the denial of responsibility, doesn’t it? Had he not set up secret e-mail accounts, kept a friendship with a woman a big secret, and then lied to me every step of the way about her, HE wouldn’t be going through it, either.

Jules, thank you for the link. You are not the first person to suggest it, and I think when descriptions of his behavior give several unconnected people the same thought, it’s time to follow through. I joined their forums and have ordered the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells.”

 

[chevalier]

People sometimes lie because they don’t think they are doing anything wrong but at the same time they don’t want to stop what they are doing, or hurts the person who doesn’t like it. Maybe he thought his friendships were pure and you were making problems, then he wanted to keep the friendships but didn’t want to fight with you? Or have to choose between? Not everyone will stand up and fight (thus probably enabling a better perspective and maybe even actually a solution), some will hide and even lie. I wouldn’t lie, but I’d normally rather have my correspondence private, as my hypothetical wife’s or girlfriend’s. I could ask her to open the letter for me and read it out if I were cooking or something, sure, or she might know my password so she could check mail for me, but I wouldn’t read her letters lying open on the table or her e-mails other than expressly told to.

 

[nana3]

I am sorry to hear that you don’t love him, but I don’t blame you at all for it is true that his treatment of you has not helped. How many children do you have? What are their ages?

 

[junk]

If I tell him something important 2 or 3 times, he tells me he didn’t hear and it’s my fault for not saying it again. If I tell him 3 or 4 times, then I’m a controlling nag

It’s possible that “something important” makes him feel extremely stressed, low and/or not in control. It’s entirely possible that his mind blocks it out and he forgets soon after you mention it. If that’s true, it’s something that makes him feel pretty awful in some way, and he will feel depressed or stressed thinking about it and frustrated discussing it, especially if it’s a problem with some circumstances he can’t change. It might seem to him that you’re insisting he do something which he thinks he cannot or should not.

When I ask too many questions, I am accused of something negative (perhaps being controlling, or not trusting him, or being suspicious) so if I’d asked about the charges (and how do you ask about a credit card you’re not even aware your husband has?)

He might feel that it’s his problem and that you have nothing you need to worry about. Or, if you ask too many questions, he might feel that you are demanding something of him that he can’t provide. He might feel cornered, trapped and compelled to lie because talking about it might cause him a lot stress or result in more questions which would mean more talking… If he feels you’re suspicious then he might take it as an insult and become frustrated if he doesn’t know how to dismiss your suspicions.

He’s not necessarily lying out of any sort of malice - he might be trying to sweep things under the rug to avoid an argument. Telling him you’ve lost respect for him would probably be incredibly hurtful, even if he didn’t show it or got angry instead. Don’t - it would probably make things worse. He’d likely lose all motivation to make any changes.

I pray and hope counselling helps you and your husband. If he makes any progress in any way, really make a point of showing him that you’re happy at the smallest thing. If you don’t, he will just feel trapped and will perceive his efforts as being wasted or that there is no way that he could make you happy and so will lose all motivation (I know it’s hard to see that, since it’s you who is in many ways unappreciated, but this probably isn’t easy on him either, even if he is the one at fault). Deep down, he wants to make you happy, so doing so will show him how and that there is something he can do, and that might give him just the motivation he needs to take the steps necessary to improve.

I’m not trying to justify him - those were just my thoughts trying to understand why he acts the way he does. God bless.