Spouse won't take care of themselves

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kamz

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Ok, this is been on going in my home for many years.

When my met my husband he was a heavy smoker and very thin man, he weighed less than I did :eek:

Anyways, when I became pregnant with our first child I made it very clear that he would not be allowed to smoke in the home, car or around the child, so he decided to give it up and he did 👍

But, he gained weight, at least 60 pounds to his very short frame, maybe more, he won’t let me know what his weight is anymore.

Anyways, stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes run in his family and my husband just turned 40 in June and he finally went in for a physical after me prodding for over five years :eek:
He has high blood pressure and the doc put him on pills to lower it.
I know my husband needs to lose weight but he just doesn’t care, he eats when he wants, whatever he wants, anytime he wants without thinking about it 😦
Now, I love my husband regardless of his size, if he could remain over weight and be healthy I would not even care but I know all too well from his family history that this will not be o.k.
I’m so worried that he will have a heart attack or stroke, I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get him to lose some weight and take better care of himself but he gets so defensive, no matter how gently and lovingly I talk to him about it he gets just weird and says I don’t love him for who he is, and that really is not the truth, I’m very worried about him, his dad had 15 strokes in five years and it killed him and his mom has diabetes and several of his siblings have already had heart issues.
What can I do? Anything? Just shut my mouth and say nothing? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
I love my husband and I just want him to be healthy.
Please help .
 
Do you know anyone to whom he would listen? Some men won’t listen to their wives no matter what because they don’t want them to be their consciences, but appear perfect in their eyes. Aren’t men sensitive things, though?
 
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kamz:
What can I do? Anything? Just shut my mouth and say nothing? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
I love my husband and I just want him to be healthy.
Please help .
Click to expand...
I wish I had something helpful to offer, but the most I can say is that I’ve been there. My husband has started going back to the gym and eating a bit healthier over the past 6 months or so, and has lost a good bit of weight. He’s no longer on HBP medicine and seems pretty healthy. But for a long time, he was overweight, and I worried about his health. I wish I could say that something I did or said helped move him along, but it never did. He just had to feel the motivation himself. It took a while, but it happened. I do like to think it had something to do with my prayers, so all I can say is pray for him. That, and I guess don’t buy cookies and chips 😉
 
pop him one right in the nose and say…oh,wait…that won’t work…

this is such a difficult subject. I struggle with weight and I will tell you that I know how dangerous it is, I know what I need to do, I am not stupid. it is just that sometimes it feels overwhelming, and that every where I look there is one MORE thing I cannot eat and one MORE person telling me I can’t do something…

If you can do your best, as a loving spouse, to create a healthy environment for him…good meals, things to do that require him to get up and move, all that stuff…it is all you can do. My mom - she is 83 and lives with me since I lost my husband - does that for me. With her help I have lost about 100 of the 150 I need to lose. But it has been a struggle…I have done it very slowly over a three year period. sometimes, I go up 10 and have to put the breaks on…she never criticizes…you know, that woman is a saint…quite frankly I’m jealous of her :love:
 
If you do the cooking (or most of the cooking) at home – and if you do the grocery shopping, you can control the food. You could even pack his lunch for work…

I highly suggest the Eating for Life book – it is a cook book with meal plans and everything we have ever eaten from that book was WONDERFUL.

We also like Light N Tasty magazine http://www.lightntasty.com The recipes come from other real people, not some gourmet test kitchen.

Then, how about just getting him to take a walk together every evening? Turn that walk into a bike ride or a membership at the Y – baby step into a healthier life.
 
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kamz:
Ok, this is been on going in my home for many years.
When my met my husband he was a heavy smoker and very thin man, he weighed less than I did :eek:
Anyways, when I became pregnant with our first child I made it very clear that he would not be allowed to smoke in the home, car or around the child, so he decided to give it up and he did 👍
But, he gained weight, at least 60 pounds to his very short frame, maybe more, he won’t let me know what his weight is anymore.
Anyways, stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes run in his family and my husband just turned 40 in June and he finally went in for a physical after me prodding for over five years :eek:
He has high blood pressure and the doc put him on pills to lower it.
I know my husband needs to lose weight but he just doesn’t care, he eats when he wants, whatever he wants, anytime he wants without thinking about it 😦
Now, I love my husband regardless of his size, if he could remain over weight and be healthy I would not even care but I know all too well from his family history that this will not be o.k.
I’m so worried that he will have a heart attack or stroke, I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get him to lose some weight and take better care of himself but he gets so defensive, no matter how gently and lovingly I talk to him about it he gets just weird and says I don’t love him for who he is, and that really is not the truth, I’m very worried about him, his dad had 15 strokes in five years and it killed him and his mom has diabetes and several of his siblings have already had heart issues.
What can I do? Anything? Just shut my mouth and say nothing? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
I love my husband and I just want him to be healthy.
Please help .
Click to expand...
Of course you do Kamz–you want him to be healthy. Gosh this is a hard one. You do not want him to die of stroke or heart attack, but at the same time you want HIM to realize HE must get ahold of HIS life and HIS health. Yes, I hear ya. Unfortunately, there is really nothing we or another person can do to get another person motivated, to lose weight, to give up drinking, to get them to have some “ummmphhhh”. It HAS to come from them, periiod.
I have learned with with my H. For as talented as he is, if HE is bit the one believing it, well, Ce La Vie. Such is life, I am afraid. YES, if our loved ones believe enough to trust, great–if they do not–or will not–this is not our dilemma.
 
I cook healthy meals and offer healthy snacks and low fat goodies so he doesn’t feel like he gets no yummies sometimes but then he goes out and buys his own stach of candy bars or he eats at McDonalds etc. after he has had my meal, he says, he feels too weak from my meals, like he didn’t get enough protein or meat, and I know that is totally bogus, I prepare very healthy yet filling meals so you won’t feel the need to snack right away.
I had hoped that him going to the doctor would help, I had so hoped the doctor would tell him to lose weight or eat better, excersice more etc. but that seemed to do very little, he is right back to his candy bars and quick fast food runs.
The man is a wonderful man, he is a good husband and father and he works very hard and long hours and I feel like such a slime to complain but I don’t want to be without him over something that can be controlled, some things are totally out of our control but this isn’t, he won’t even try and he gets just weird when I try to bring it up.
It is so hard to know what to say without causing him hurt feelings, I don’t want to hurt him, do I just put it in God’s hands even if that means he has a heart attack or stroke? I just don’t know, what God wants me to do as this mans wife?
Oh, but, I do appreciate your wonderful touching replys, it gives me real faith that their are still such good folks in this world.
Hugs to you all. 🙂
 
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kamz:
I cook healthy meals and offer healthy snacks and low fat goodies so he doesn’t feel like he gets no yummies sometimes but then he goes out and buys his own stach of candy bars or he eats at McDonalds etc. after he has had my meal, he says, he feels too weak from my meals, like he didn’t get enough protein or meat, and I know that is totally bogus, I prepare very healthy yet filling meals so you won’t feel the need to snack right away.
I had hoped that him going to the doctor would help, I had so hoped the doctor would tell him to lose weight or eat better, excersice more etc. but that seemed to do very little, he is right back to his candy bars and quick fast food runs.
The man is a wonderful man, he is a good husband and father and he works very hard and long hours and I feel like such a slime to complain but I don’t want to be without him over something that can be controlled, some things are totally out of our control but this isn’t, he won’t even try and he gets just weird when I try to bring it up.
It is so hard to know what to say without causing him hurt feelings, I don’t want to hurt him, do I just put it in God’s hands even if that means he has a heart attack or stroke? I just don’t know, what God wants me to do as this mans wife?
Oh, but, I do appreciate your wonderful touching replys, it gives me real faith that their are still such good folks in this world.
Hugs to you all. 🙂
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Do you think maybe he’s self-medicating with food? Food does sometimes serve purposes other then nutrition or pleasure, such as comfort and calming. It sounds like you’re right on target when describing that he shouldn’t feel hungry after a filling, home-cooked meal. But someone who is under a lot of stress (eating to calm down) or eating to comfort himself may not realize he’s not hungry–he may truly FEEL like he’s hungry, even if he’s not.

I know you’ve mentioned time and again how hardworking your hubby is, what an amazing provider he is. That also translates maybe into being gone alot and not enough time to relax, exercise or be with family? (I’m asking, not assuming! :)) Sometimes relationships to food are the most difficult to sort out. We all have to eat at least three times a day, so unlike someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs–who never have to choose to touch the substance again–a food addict must confront his temptation multiple times a day!

Sometimes offering a concept of “why” someone does a certain behavior or another can help develop an awareness. For instance, if your hubby is hungry 20 minutes after he finishes eating, remind him that if he’s truly hungry he’ll still be hungry in 20 MORE minutes–but that it’s a short enough time period he won’t die of starvation. 😉 The trick then becomes finding coping mechanisms that don’t involve eating when one is not truly hungry.

Also, has he had his sugars tested? He might be experiencing major highs and lows that trigger unstable eating and cause him to crave, crash and then crave again.
 
If I were in your shoes, I’d strap on my walking shoes and take walks with him. Walking with your spouse is great exercise for the body and the soul. If the kids are old enough to leave by themselves, then leave them and get in some good time talking and walking, just the two of you. If the kids are too little to leave, then stick them in strollers or packs and take them along and make it a family exercise. Even if you do it once or twice a week, it is “a step” in the right direction.
 
I got tired of wasting my breath on the same message, for the same reasons (except he never smoked, but went from being a skinny athlete when I married him to a porky computer programmer, and all the risk factors rampant in his family). He finally listened to some guy on the radio telling him what I had been saying all those years–replace the fat and junk food with vegetables and fruit–when he had his diseased gall-bladder taken out during emergency surgery. He has been following the Mcdougall diet for about 20 years and has maintained healthy weight, bp, cholesterol etc. he never goes to the doctor, but company he contracts for does these tests for him every summer in their corporate health program.

Hire somebody to give the message on whatever radio or TV program he follows–maybe on those advertizing signs behind home plate during the World Series. It was on local radio tonite that a lady published a personals ad saying “my hubby needs to see a doctor and refuses to go–please call and tell him” and put his cell phone number in the ad. He got 200 calls in one day, and finally went to the doctor.
 
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puzzleannie:
I got tired of wasting my breath on the same message, for the same reasons (except he never smoked, but went from being a skinny athlete when I married him to a porky computer programmer, and all the risk factors rampant in his family). He finally listened to some guy on the radio telling him what I had been saying all those years–replace the fat and junk food with vegetables and fruit–when he had his diseased gall-bladder taken out during emergency surgery. He has been following the Mcdougall diet for about 20 years and has maintained healthy weight, bp, cholesterol etc. he never goes to the doctor, but company he contracts for does these tests for him every summer in their corporate health program.

Hire somebody to give the message on whatever radio or TV program he follows–maybe on those advertizing signs behind home plate during the World Series. It was on local radio tonite that a lady published a personals ad saying “my hubby needs to see a doctor and refuses to go–please call and tell him” and put his cell phone number in the ad. He got 200 calls in one day, and finally went to the doctor.
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I think that’s cute and funny, I hope her husband thought so too.
I think the best thing to do is pray for them and offer alternative things to do instead. (just my :twocents: ) My husband doesn’t listen to me either, but when I pray and have other’s pray for him, the Holy Spirit, he listens to. 👍
 
The main thing that caught my attention is that he said that he feels like he didn’t get enough protein or meat. And I believe this is true.

One of my hobbies is body building. My dietician told me I should eat about 110 grams of protein a day.

The best sources of protein from meat are boneless, skinless chicken breasts, and high quality ground round.

Another good source of protein is protein powder. You get a lot of protein with very few calories. I buy a generic brand of chocolate whey protein powder from Vitamin World.

Also, there are protein candy bars. You need to check the label to make sure they do not contain a lot of fat and carbohydrates.

The good thing about protein is that it keeps people from getting hungry longer than any other food type. If you feed him more protein he will be less hungry.
 
thank you everyone, these are amazing ideas, I appreciate it sooo much 👍
 
I’m also a believer in a lot of protein and also of good quality fat (though not much of it). I try to eat a gram of protein per day per pound, so like 148 grams of protein. That is a lot of protein, but if it’s lean meat, there’s still plenty of room for veggies, fruit, and good quality fats, like olive oil, etc. If you are full from a meal of mainly protein and something like a salad, you won’t be hungry for hours.
 
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kamz:
Ok, this is been on going in my home for many years.

When my met my husband he was a heavy smoker and very thin man, he weighed less than I did :eek:

Anyways, when I became pregnant with our first child I made it very clear that he would not be allowed to smoke in the home, car or around the child, so he decided to give it up and he did 👍

But, he gained weight, at least 60 pounds to his very short frame, maybe more, he won’t let me know what his weight is anymore.

Anyways, stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes run in his family and my husband just turned 40 in June and he finally went in for a physical after me prodding for over five years :eek:
He has high blood pressure and the doc put him on pills to lower it.
I know my husband needs to lose weight but he just doesn’t care, he eats when he wants, whatever he wants, anytime he wants without thinking about it 😦
Now, I love my husband regardless of his size, if he could remain over weight and be healthy I would not even care but I know all too well from his family history that this will not be o.k.
I’m so worried that he will have a heart attack or stroke, I’ve tried EVERYTHING to get him to lose some weight and take better care of himself but he gets so defensive, no matter how gently and lovingly I talk to him about it he gets just weird and says I don’t love him for who he is, and that really is not the truth, I’m very worried about him, his dad had 15 strokes in five years and it killed him and his mom has diabetes and several of his siblings have already had heart issues.
What can I do? Anything? Just shut my mouth and say nothing? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
I love my husband and I just want him to be healthy.
Please help .
Click to expand...
Listen to me. I have learned that if someone we love, namely our husbands, do not have a good self image for whatever reason, their childhood upbringing most likely, (as is the case with my H), that we really cannot change it, only GOD CAN. We can help, but not do the real changing. Pray dear friend, and continue being a positive influence that you are. That’s all you can do, unless and until HE is ready to change for himself. I go through it too, hoping my H will convert to being a Catholic. He has no faith, so why not? I keep asking? But perhaps God has a plan? Trust HIM, the God who created us and our loved ones, OK?

God Bless You~~
 
Pray for him. Thank God for him. Embrace him and tell him that you are glad you married him. (Be prepared to tell him why … and also what you respect about him.)

Now, you need to ask yourself why he doesn’t care. What motivates him? I’m sure it is not criticism or reminding him of what he should do or what he shouldn’t do.

What has he asked from you in the past? What are his dreams that seem unatainable? Work toward helping him achieve those dreams and he will gain a whole new motivation to live for you and take care of himself for you.

Compliment his efforts. Praise his progress however small. Ignore his failures and fallbacks. Be patient. The support, respect and trust of a wife will usually motivate a man to achieve the seemingly impossible!
 
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