Spouses and Temperament Differences/ Similarities

  • Thread starter Thread starter JeraldW
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JeraldW

Guest
Hello everyone

I am a single 21 year old man, I for myself seem to be attracted to other phlegmatic melancholic very similar to myself for theoretical marriage compatibility. Sanguines or cholerics will attract me as being “fun” for the short term, but sometimes I doubt I could be with one in a long term marital bond. I seem to prefer the mutual orderliness and quiet romanticism another phlegmatic has with me. My ex girlfriend was very much my preferred type, and we only broke up because of other unfortunate issues. I just met a beautiful and smart young lady recently at a retreat, she too being a quietly attractive but wonderfully sarcastic phlegmatic. She is unfortunately is a very studious gal, and I am looking to get a better job that could get a base to support a future family, and we decided ( via email, us crazy introverts:p) to postpone dating until we would both be ready, or if the Lord providentially brought us together again.

I am just curious with faith-filled married couples how they relate when it comes to your spouse temperaments. Are the very similar, or very different from you? How do they complement your own, but where do you butt heads? Do opposites really attract, or do they repel after while?
 
I’m not married myself but the answer to your question is: it depends. In some cases opposites attract, in other cases similarities do. Also, at least some people have a split preference between dating material and spouse material: not the same things tick them in the short-term as they would like to see in the long term.

I used to think a lot about the above but finally decided to play it by ear. You just can’t really analyse it and arrive at stable, solid conclusions that would be set in stone. Besides, messing with your own proverbial picker (trying to convince yourself to be attracted to this and unattracted to that) could lead to disastrous results if you were to end up successfully deceiving yourself. But it helps to know what you know, what you can or cannot live with, what is important to you, what you expect, what your goals are etc., as well as knowing your own reactions.

If you are specifically concerned about problem solving, it wouldn’t hurt to read up a bit on the subject (not necessarily anything strictly academic). It is a very interesting field, actually. If you were to acquire some practical skills there, they could benefit you in all areas of life, at least as far as other people are involved (negotiation, providing and receiving feedback, discharging potentially explosive situations, focusing on problems rather than on blame distribution and so on), and certainly in your job.
 
My husband and I (married 32 years) are opposites. He is a melancholic, and I am a choleric. These two temperaments blend really well.

He agonizes over things and is so perfectionist that he has a hard time getting anything started, let alone finished.

But I am not into details or perfectionism; I just want to get things done, and the sooner, the better.

So many times, I have simply stood up and gotten the ball rolling.

And once the ball is rolling, he’s on board and will make sure all the details are done well.

We really make a good team!

I personally think that spouses who have the same temperaments will have a hard time because both will get bogged down in their negative traits, and there is no one to act as a “balance.”

I think it’s better to seek out a spouse with a complimentary temperament rather than the same temperament. JMO.
 
As for foundational values and beliefs, its much better to seek a partner amongst people who share yours.

As for personality types, my assessment is like cat’s … balance is a powerful thing! My husband is melancholic. I’m sanguine/ choleric. We get a LOT of mileage out of this balance. My social contacts and go-gett’em drive gets this train moving out of the station. His thoughtfulness keeps us from going off the rails.

24 years later. It’s still working good.
 
Question: why do people still use the temperaments over something seemingly more rigorous, say, myers-briggs?
 
VLM, myers-brig is more rigorous but its also expensive! the op asked about the temperments, which, I think, are still useful enough general classifications.
 
monicatholic said:
VLM, myers-brig is more rigorous but its also expensive! the op asked about the temperments, which, I think, are still useful enough general classifications.
Click to expand...
Ok, thanks. Didn’t mean to bring the thread off topic.
 
JeraldW said:
Hello everyone

I am a single 21 year old man, I for myself seem to be attracted to other phlegmatic melancholic very similar to myself for theoretical marriage compatibility. Sanguines or cholerics will attract me as being “fun” for the short term, but sometimes I doubt I could be with one in a long term marital bond. I seem to prefer the mutual orderliness and quiet romanticism another phlegmatic has with me. My ex girlfriend was very much my preferred type, and we only broke up because of other unfortunate issues. I just met a beautiful and smart young lady recently at a retreat, she too being a quietly attractive but wonderfully sarcastic phlegmatic. She is unfortunately is a very studious gal, and I am looking to get a better job that could get a base to support a future family, and we decided ( via email, us crazy introverts:p) to postpone dating until we would both be ready, or if the Lord providentially brought us together again.

I am just curious with faith-filled married couples how they relate when it comes to your spouse temperaments. Are the very similar, or very different from you? How do they complement your own, but where do you butt heads? Do opposites really attract, or do they repel after while?
Click to expand...
Hi there! My husband and I have been married for just over a year. He’s phlegmatic and I’m choleric/melancholic. I definitely have the “stronger” personality by far, and have to be extremely careful not to dominate him because he will often stay silent on issues that bother him, whereas I 100% vocalize. It’s important to both of us that we each give 110% to our marriage, and see each other as complementary partners, so it’s vital that each of us has a fair chance to be heard and understood by the other. For opposite personality types like us, this takes practice. I had to learn not to nag/dominate the conversation and he had to learn how to vocalize his thoughts and feelings. There have been times where I wished he would talk more and I’m SURE there have been times where he wished I would stay silent!

Overall, though, our personality types complement the other. We’ve had maybe ONE argument since we’ve been married, and it had to do with being stressed out about moving cross-country and my husband starting medical school, so I’ll cut us both some slack. 😉

By the way, personality type is one thing. Values are another. My husband and I are completely on the same page when it comes to work ethic, cleanliness, finances, family life, faith life, ethics, et al, and discuss our views frequently and with fervor. It’s great to have personalities that “connect” but it’s ESSENTIAL to agree in matters of faith and family.
 
My husband and I are like two circles that have section of overlap. The overlap varies from time to time in size, but we always have separate parts where our temperaments are different. That has allowed us to make up for the deficits in each other at times, and therefore balance each other out. 😉
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Question: why do people still use the temperaments over something seemingly more rigorous, say, myers-briggs?
Click to expand...
Myers-Briggs has the potential to miss a couple of things that temperaments do cover. Unless maybe when you get a reliable numerical breakdown of the four components and have enough familiarity with the system to read personality from that. I also suspect that people with the same Myers-Briggs types could still come out with different temperaments.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Question: why do people still use the temperaments over something seemingly more rigorous, say, myers-briggs?
Click to expand...
What people, including us, need to be careful of is using the temperaments like some kind of fortune-telling tool, e.g., the astrological signs. We can’t be too rigid in our assessments.

The temperaments are only guidelines to personalities, and can do a reasonable job of predicting how people will act and react, and assessing compatibility.

But people do not always follow their temperaments! These things aren’t written in stone.

I remember reading that some people have a combination of three of the different temperaments. It seems to me that if you are one of these combo people, then it is hard to use the temperaments as a way to predict personality traits.
 
Cat said:
What people, including us, need to be careful of is using the temperaments like some kind of fortune-telling tool, e.g., the astrological signs. We can’t be too rigid in our assessments.

The temperaments are only guidelines to personalities, and can do a reasonable job of predicting how people will act and react, and assessing compatibility.

But people do not always follow their temperaments! These things aren’t written in stone.

I remember reading that some people have a combination of three of the different temperaments. It seems to me that if you are one of these combo people, then it is hard to use the temperaments as a way to predict personality traits.
Click to expand...
I completely agree. I used to put a lot of stock in these theories and did a lot of reading about them. While it is fun to try to categorize people based on their temperaments, it’s really not a black and white thing at all, and you should be careful.

In addition, as Christians we spend our whole lives trying to moderate and overcome our weaknesses and “pet” sins and this struggle leads to change over the years that makes us different from our “original” temperament. One thing that is different for me, for example, is that I’m supposedly much more reflective and introverted than I technically should be as a very Sanguine person. Well that’s simply because I’ve always put a heavy emphasis on my prayer life and trying to stay focused on God and not the world.

My husband and I are both Sanguine, according to the theory, and it is supposedly very rare for two Sanguines to get married. But it works for us.
 
Quit worring about “types.” Don’t analize it so much. It is a loving dynamic mystery.Some of the posts sound like astrology , a piecies shouldn’t marry a bull or whatever. God created everyone unique. Some will have similarities some differences but to weed someone out because they have particular traits you fear may clog the wheel is stiffeling the SPIRIT.
I have been married 21 years. We were married after 4 mos of dating at 19yrs.Successful loving marrage is hard work at times.Period.The biggest success is centering on God: for if we both look up, we are naturally drawn together. The second is love\respect. When our verbal language ones and body language is respectful any disagreement or meeting a need can be resolved. The thirid~if they are moved by the Holy Spirit “this is the one” And realizing you don’t want to live without them. With this trinitarian formula I believe any couple can be maritially successful.~
 
My H and I have been married 22 years.

He is a sanguine and I am a melancholic with choleric tendencies. H thinks he has melancholic tendencies … but he masks that pretty well with various things.

We are not well matched. He is very much “Catholic-Lite” and is more interested in socializing and being friends with everyone to care very much about spiritual matters. He takes his Faith for granted … was raised in a very liberal church environment, and doesn’t see any conflicts with many worldly interests and the Faith.

When we first married, I was only baptised Christian and didn’t have any real belief. So we got along great. Partying, immodest dressing, any kind of movies, any kind of music…as well as other things I won’t bother mentioning.

Then I converted and became Catholic 12 years ago. My journey of faith began with marriage then children then the death of my mother … Ultimately as I learned more and more, I began to realize all the sins I’d committed and I repented of those sins and changed my life.

My H’s life changed as well … because the household “rules” had changed in relation to the children. But he hasn’t really changed in his heart. He’s essentially doing the same things he’s always done, just at a reduced level because of work, my disapproval and age.

We had conflicts early on … and people would say to us, “Why are you two together?”

So, word to the wise: don’t discount extreme differences in temperament.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top