Starting to think the time might be almost right, but how to re-establish contact?

[DL82]

My ex fiancee and I broke up over a year ago, mostly my own fault, I had a lot of issues, was struggling with pornography, both of us struggling with staying pure, both of us immature and inexperienced and not sure what we wanted out of life, both of us new to the Catholic faith.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to deal with and work through all of these issues, trying to become a better man. The truth is, I might have missed my chance to be a husband, and that might never come back again, I couldn’t marry anyone else, so if things never work out then I guess all I have to work with is a life of penance.

I have started thinking I ought to explore becoming a lay brother with an enclosed order, not just because of my relationship failure, but for other reasons too, but I really can’t commit to that vocation until I’m certain the other route is definitely closed forever.

Anyway, I’m thinking I ought to wait another few months, until the new year, and until we’ve been totally out of contact for at least 10 months (I tried to contact her a few times in the months after we broke up, and each time just made matters worse).

The problem is, this was a long-distance relationship, and I was a manipulative and immature idiot throughout. I was good at deceiving her then, and I don’t know how she will ever believe that that I’m not just manipulating her again now. We don’t really have any friends in common, so I don’t know how I could prove to her that I’ve changed. I’m in the middle of a graduate degree, and so have no money and very little time - I couldn’t easily spend a long time visiting her to prove that I’ve changed. All the same, I’m sure we’ve both done a lot of growing up in the past year, and I just really want the opportunity to say hi.

I’ve already tried apologising for all my mistakes, that just made her angrier.

What’s left? How do I re-establish contact? I still can’t quite convince myself that this is a dead-end, and if it’s not yet a dead-end I will never be at peace in the Charterhouse. Any success stories of people who made it work second-time around? How?

 

[kevinsgirl]

I think you should focus on school for now. You tried a few months ago to talk to her and she obviously did not want to have contact with you. You need to respect that. She has your contact info–right? If you move or something, I have no problem with you emailing her new contact information with a note saying that you aren’t trying to force her to contact you, but if she ever wants to talk, you can be reached at wherever.

And I wouldn’t jump into a vocation either. You need to just keep on trying to be a better man and focus on graduate school.

If she’s the girl to marry, you’ll get together in time. If she isn’t, a new plan will come–but you don’t need to rush into it.

I know that this may be hard to hear, but a couple of years from now, you’ll see that things happened for a reason…it has already made you a better man. Just keep on that path and you’ll have no regrets!

KG

 

[BamaRider]

I would leave her a email, telling her you’d like to talk. Leave her the method of contact, and let her take it from there.

Tell her you’d take a no repsonse as she doesn’t want to talk, and you’ll move on.

To contact her cold turkey out of the blue might not set well with her. Alot can happen in 10 months and it is possible she is seeing someone else.

If she doesn’t respond I’d take her at her word, and move on. If that is the case you need examine what went wrong (i think you already have) with the relationship, learn from it, and open yourself to the possiblility of another.

It has been my experience, the best way to get over one, is to get back in the game, and find someone who DOES wanna be with you.

And there ya have it.

 

[PeteVZ]

I would write a letter. Explain how you feel, and how you’ve grown. Give specifics. Take the time to write it and then wait a week. Read it again after that week and make any revisions before sending it. This should be a hand written letter, not typed or e-mailed. Let her know that you think she is the right one for you and you will wait for her to trust you again, no matter how long it takes. Let her know you don’t expect a relationship right away, but would at least like to clear the lines of communication. Ask her to respond as little or as much as she is comfortable, and let her know you won’t try to contact her again without her permission, unless it is simply to send your updated contact information.

You should say everything you need to say in the letter, but don’t try to woo her with mushy gushy stuff. Stick to concise details.

If you have something small that means something to the two of you, send it with the letter. Ask her to hold on to it for you, until she is ready to give it back. Then, wait and pray.

If she does respond positively, take things slow. Offer to just write letters until she feels comfortable enough to talk to you on the phone again. Try to be her friend again first. She may start dating other people. Don’t get mad or jealous, be supportive of her and be there for her. If she is the right one for you, things will work out. If not, God will lead you in another direction. Just remember, God’s time is not our time and we need to be patient.

 

[Nepenthe]

Yeah, actually, prefacing the whole shebang with 'I was an immature idiot!" will likely at least get you heard out. Both of you have hopefully grown, and approached mature understanding and forgiveness, both of yourselves and everyone else too - so, take that chance. It’s a gamble, but in my experience, completely worth it, especially once you have a sweet hand to work with! We get one chance to ride the merry-go-round, and now maybe you have a chance now at riding the really cool tigers and unicorns and stuff, or better yet, those seats built for two snuggly ones.

 

[DL82]

Thanks all. I think I need to wait a bit longer before I do anything. I do feel like I ought to try to move on, at least that’s what everybody, including faithful Catholics who I respect, is telling me. All the same, whatever I ‘move on’ to, whether another relationship or discerning a vocation, will always seem like second best, and nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who thinks of them that way. I guess I’ll just wait and see.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thanks all. I think I need to wait a bit longer before I do anything.

Good choice…but don’t just wait passively. PRAY. And really listen for an answer, especially if it is not the one you are hoping for.

I do feel like I ought to try to move on, at least that’s what everybody, including faithful Catholics who I respect, is telling me.

I agree. And you also need to respect the fact that she has the right to move on as well. If there was a chance for this relationship you would know it. She would make sure you know it. Speaking as a woman, i personally think you shouldn’t spend another second on this. But again, listen to God, He knows best.

All the same, whatever I ‘move on’ to, whether another relationship or discerning a vocation, will always seem like second best, and nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who thinks of them that way.

**Whatever makes you think that moving on means TO something? Moving on first means dealing with all of the emotional baggage of this past relationship, repairing anything in yourself that you are able, and growing as a man of God.

Entering into another relationship right now would not be a good idea. No woman deserves that…she would, at best, be your second choice. And you would be cheating yourself as well.

If you are called to marriage, you owe it to yourself and the woman to enter into a relationship already being quality husband material. Your future wife deserves that. And still being in love with another woman does not work. And using another woman to get over the last is a terribly selfish thing to do. You really need to focus on you right now…you and God.**

And as for a religious vocation…same thing. It is a serious calling, not something to do as a second choice or as a means of escaping. God deserves to have you at your best as well. Heal first, then decide where God is calling you.

I guess I’ll just wait and see.
**
I think that is best. I know right now that seems like the “weak” way…like you aren’t doing anything. But sometimes it takes the most courage to not act. It takes a real man to wait patiently to hear God. Actively seek out His counsel…He will not let you down. Be open to Him, completely. That is the right path.**

 

[Magickman]

It is a sign of maturity, intelligence, and experience, to know when the time is right to walk away from the ashes of a failed relationship, and move on, to greener pastures.

Those relationships which did not endure, ended because the bond between the couple was insufficient to surmount the challenges, given us by daily life.

As one who lacked this insight, at an earlier age, I paid the price then, to achieve some measure of wisdom now.

 

[chevalier]

Pete’s advice is what I’m partial to. But you do need to heal. Remember penance is done for sins not for relationship failures.

 

[Linda_Marie]

Thanks all. I think I need to wait a bit longer before I do anything. I do feel like I ought to try to move on, at least that’s what everybody, including faithful Catholics who I respect, is telling me. All the same, whatever I ‘move on’ to, whether another relationship or discerning a vocation, will always seem like second best, and nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone who thinks of them that way. I guess I’ll just wait and see.

While you’re waiting, I think you should go ahead and write the letter whether you ever send it or not. It will help you to get your thoughts in order to write it all down. Perhaps, in addition to a letter, you should start keeping a daily diary of your thoughts. For me, putting it down on paper has always helped me to clarify my thinking and assist me in making a decision.

Spend time in Adoration. Visit the Blessed Sacrament every day if you can and pray for guidance. Be patient about receiving an answer. Humbly wait for Him to make it clear to you.

Make an appointment and talk to your priest about it, especially since you are considering becoming a lay brother.

And pray for the Holy Spirit to enlighten your mind and heart.

ourcatholicfaith.org/prayer/p-holyspirit.html
Novena to the Holy Spirit
<…>
Primary Intention: Like the Apostles, we pray that the Holy Spirit will come into our lives and set the Church and faithful on fire with true Apostolic zeal.
<…>
Form your secondary intention

Form for the novena: State the intentions given above, and then open your heart to God the Holy Spirit in this prayer:

O Holy Spirit, O my God, I adore Thee, and acknowledge, here in Thy divine presence, that I am nothing and can do nothing without Thee. Come, great Paraclete, Thou father of the poor, Thou comforter the best, fulfill the promise of our blessed Savior, Who would not leave us orphans, and come into the mind and the heart of Thy poor, unworthy creature, as Thou didst descend on the sacred day of Pentecost on the holy Mother of Jesus and on His first disciples. Grant that I may participate in those gifts which Thou didst communicate to them so wonderfully, and with so much mercy and generosity. Take from my heart whatever is not pleasing to Thee, and make of it a worthy dwelling-place for Thyself. Illumine my mind, that I may see and understand the things that are for my eternal good. Inflame my heart with pure love of Thee, that I may be cleansed from the dross of all inordinate attachments, and that my whole life may be hidden with Jesus in God. Strengthen my will, that I may be made comformable to Thy divine will, and be guided by Thy holy inspirations. Aid me by Thy grace to practice the divine lessons of humility, poverty, obedience, and contempt of the world, which Jesus taught us in His mortal life.

Oh, rend the heavens, and come down, consoling Spirit! that inspired and encouraged by Thee, I may faithfully comply with the duties of my state, carry my daily cross most patiently, and endeavor to accomplish the divine will with the utmost perfection. Spirit of love! Spirit of purity! Spirit of peace! Sanctify my soul more and more, and give me that heavenly peace which the world cannot give. Bless our Holy Father the Pope, bless the Church, bless our bishops, our priests, all Religious Orders, and all the faithful, that they may be filled with the spirit of Christ and labor earnestly for the spread of His kingdom.

O Holy Spirit, Thou Giver of every good and perfect gift, grant me, I beseech Thee, the intentions of this novena. May Thy will be done in me and through me. Mayest Thou be praised and glorified forevermore! Amen.

 

[DL82]

As one who lacked this insight, at an earlier age, I paid the price then, to achieve some measure of wisdom now.

Thanks Magickman, can I ask whether you ever managed to repair the damage? Did you manage to have a meaningful relationship after learning from your mistakes?