Staying committed to my marriage is difficult

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lilimo67
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

Lilimo67

Guest
Dealing with hubby’ s lies and lack of commitment to get better from Compulsive Gambling plus taking care of my elderly aunt who has her own issues and just moved in a week ago “ I posted about my dilemma of taking her in or not on here” … so now hubby sees how much more busy I am and started buying lotto tickets again last night.
He doesn’t know I know ,I am not happy with myself for looking in his jean pockets this morning… he was gone longer then he should have last night so I knew.
Soooo frustrated …I feel I want to address this with home but I can’t deal with a fight since my aunt requires 75% of my energy .
 
Last edited:
I speak from experience when I say discussing personal marital tribulation on internet web forum’s is a huge mistake.
 
I understand where you’re coming from. There are (frequent) moments when I too find the responsibility of marriage extremely difficult to take up.

Let’s pray for each other, and for our spouses, and for all married couples in difficulty, and remain hopeful that things may improve for all of us. 🙏
 
Last edited:
It’s been therapeutic for me…sorry it hasn’t been for you…
 
I rely on my faith so much to give me strength …sometimes I wonder if I’m beating a dead horse …I wonder if someone’s says they want to overcome their CG but yet they don’t do anything …
Thank you for your support
 
Lilimo67 said:
sometimes I wonder if I’m beating a dead horse …I wonder if someone’s says they want to overcome their CG but yet they don’t do anything …
Click to expand...
I wasn’t married but my gf had serious addiction and I kept asking same question. She said she wanted to overcome her addiction but she didn’t need to. Why? Cause I was taking responsibility for her. I was paying bills. I was driving her around etc etc. It wasn’t until I read “Codependent No More” which encourages each person to stop taking responsibility for others (w/ addictions) and take responsibility for themselves that the addict then is forced to pick up slack and get help.
 
Last edited:
Lilimo, get the book that Aquinas suggested.

OH, I remember that thread now about your aunt. But I thought you told her no?

Lilimo, please, get the book Boundaries. I think you need to learn how to set boundaries with your family members.
 
Last edited:
I’m sorry you’re still struggling.

Your husband is not willing to deal with his addiction, or even willing to acknowledge it exists. He’s taking advantage of the situation with your aunt and how overwhelmed you feel.

Can you get in other family members to help with your aunt? So you can try and thrash this out with your husband?
 
I had to get my aunt…She needs me and I need to do the right thing regardless of her issues…it’s been a week and so far so good…but it’s the honeymoon stage I guess…
I will look up the book…thank you irishmom …
 
I’m overwhelmed but trying to balance it all. My 13 year old daughter is helping a lot…
I hate the lying,my husband knows I have one foot out and I want stand lies anymore…then again do I tell him to leave over lies and gambling …that’s where I second guess myself.
Thank you for your concern …and yes I have a sister that lives 2 hrs away that will take my aunt on holidays and a couple weeks in summer.
 
Lilimo67 said:
I hate the lying,my husband knows I have one foot out and I want stand lies anymore…then again do I tell him to leave over lies and gambling …that’s where I second guess myself.
Click to expand...
He’ll look more at your actions than your words. Addicts wont take us seriously when we just tell them we’ll do X unless we actually do X. Doesn’t mean we have to leave them. In my case, it just meant I stopped driving her around. She had to start taking bus everywhere. Or I stopped paying some of her bills. So she had to start paying her own bills. Stuff like that. We can do a LOT short of breaking up, where they start to feel the slack. Its actually incredible when I realized how much of other people’s responsibility I was taking on. In the book she has you write down what you do each day. Then she has you put a check next to those things that are other peoples responsibility. Its staggering when 80% of what I’m doing each day is NOT my responsibility. YOu live and learn.
 
Started reading boundaries …”Sherrie suffers difficulties in taking ownership of her own life “
That’s me…but if I wasn’t a devout catholic ; that wouldn’t be me.
I need to read this book completely not just because of hubby but my aunt as well …
 
Being a devout Catholic does not mean you become a doormat for others, especially those who have addiction or other conditions that make them manipulative.

I would really urge you to find a therapist or support group focused specifically on co-dependency to discuss this situation with, in addition to reading books on your own.
 
Enabling means you are helping someone to be bad (irresponsible, lazy, selfish, etc); helping means you are helping someone to be good.

Enabling means doing something for someone else so they don’t have to do it when they are able to do it, or helping them evade the consequences of their actions.

Helping is when someone can’t do it, and you do it for them.

Calling in “sick” for your husband when he is too drunk to go in is enabling; calling in sick for him when he has laryngitis is helping.

Being Catholic does not mean enabling others.

It does not mean putting up with abusive behavior, even if that behavior is not physically abusive.

God loves you and you are His child, and worthy of living a life where people do not do bad things to you. That doesn’t mean that we avoid every instance of people being bad to us, but that we can set boundaries and even leave if they are too bad to us.

You have had the time and energy to put up with your husband’s baloney. Now you have your aunt with you and you do not.

At some point soon, you will need to explain this to your husband, but you should discuss this with someone (therapist, priest if there is one with time near you) beforehand.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top