W
williegarvin
Guest
Hello everybody,
I’ve been around catholic.com for a while and this will be my first post on the forum. I really need your advice on this dilemma I have and I would be so grateful of your help.
I’m born and raised as a pentecostal protestant, but left the church during my later teens due to intellectual inconsistencies in the teachings and because of my struggle with staying chaste. I lived some years outside the state of grace, mildly speaking. But God showed me his great grace and called me back to faith (a long story), and not just any faith, but Catholic faith. I’m still on my catechesis studies but am regularily seeing my parish priest and he says that he doesn’t doubt my rightful place with you in the Church.
As happy as I am for that, I’m in a period of spiritual growing and God is showing me amongst other things the true meaning of chastity. My girlfriend since two years is born catholic, but her father is not catholic and so sadly she wasn’t raised catholic. She is struggling very hard with the little faith she has, I can see that God is working in her life and she is really searching for Him. However, I don’t think she is ready yet to be given the gift of faith. She also has a hard time seeing some of the teachings of the Church as right. As I’ve walked with the Lord longer than she has, I’ve been the one setting up the boundaries in our relationship. When we started dating, I was only just coming back to faith and to me chastity at that time was to not have sex before marriage. Therefore, already from the start our relationship has been physically intimate and it has been an important part in our relationship to show each other love. However, I’ve been struggling with obsessive thoughts related to my sexuality since I came back to faith and lately, I’ve come to realize that their source is probably my subconscious’ distorted way of trying to handle the temptations and sins I’ve been committing. Without God, I’ll add.
With that background, I’m ready to move on to the topic. For some time, I’ve been lifting the thought of us two stopping being sexually active because I think it’s hurting me and our relationship (it’s hard to not objectify her outside of the marital act and this in turn makes me distanced from her). I’ve been trying to point out that I’m not just saying this because it’s the church’s teaching but because I also think it’s the best for our relationship in the long run. I love her more than anything and we’ve been through so much together. I’m 100% positive that I will marry her as soon as she becomes ready. She’s a part of me. The real problem is that she doesn’t see the wrong in being sexually active before marriage. She’s accepted that we will wait with sex before marriage but now she feels that I’m setting up too many boundaries, too fast. My final decision to stop being intimate with her came kind of abrupt and she has been crying ever since because she connects so much of our love to this. She says she will do it for me, but only for me and that she doesn’t really want it herself. I understand that this is right, but I also want this as pain free as possible for her. I hope that she will one day understand that this was the right choice, but for now it’s really hard for her and this is really taking it’s toll on her search for God too. She’s in no way ready for spiritual food, she can only drink spiritual milk and I don’t want to make it even harder for her.
She’s saying that gradually stopping being intimate would help her a lot, to get used to the idea. It’s making sense to me, since she doesn’t understand/agree with the “hard core” chastity definition. However, I’m not sure if she’s saying this just because she wants to be close to me so badly or if it’s actually going to help her. I’m also torn in this question since I on one hand feel selfishly tempted by the situation and on the other hand just want to sacrifice this for her to make the transition period easier.
Does anyone of you have first hand experience of this? One part finding out on his/her own about the true meaning of chastity but the other part finding a hard time coping with it? If so, how did you make it through it and how did it end up for you? I really think she needs someone to speak to that has been or is in her position. Her best friend is atheist and she is about the only other person she can talk about this with. Her friend is never hostile to me, which I’m really grateful of, but I don’t think she’s supportive either in the way to help her see the morally right in my decision. I’m kind of sure too that she won’t accept anyone to talk to that I find for her, she needs to want it herself. Any tips on this? Maybe a self-biography or something?
Thank you so much for reading this and I also ask for all of your prayers for me and my girlfriend in this.
I’ve been around catholic.com for a while and this will be my first post on the forum. I really need your advice on this dilemma I have and I would be so grateful of your help.
I’m born and raised as a pentecostal protestant, but left the church during my later teens due to intellectual inconsistencies in the teachings and because of my struggle with staying chaste. I lived some years outside the state of grace, mildly speaking. But God showed me his great grace and called me back to faith (a long story), and not just any faith, but Catholic faith. I’m still on my catechesis studies but am regularily seeing my parish priest and he says that he doesn’t doubt my rightful place with you in the Church.
As happy as I am for that, I’m in a period of spiritual growing and God is showing me amongst other things the true meaning of chastity. My girlfriend since two years is born catholic, but her father is not catholic and so sadly she wasn’t raised catholic. She is struggling very hard with the little faith she has, I can see that God is working in her life and she is really searching for Him. However, I don’t think she is ready yet to be given the gift of faith. She also has a hard time seeing some of the teachings of the Church as right. As I’ve walked with the Lord longer than she has, I’ve been the one setting up the boundaries in our relationship. When we started dating, I was only just coming back to faith and to me chastity at that time was to not have sex before marriage. Therefore, already from the start our relationship has been physically intimate and it has been an important part in our relationship to show each other love. However, I’ve been struggling with obsessive thoughts related to my sexuality since I came back to faith and lately, I’ve come to realize that their source is probably my subconscious’ distorted way of trying to handle the temptations and sins I’ve been committing. Without God, I’ll add.
With that background, I’m ready to move on to the topic. For some time, I’ve been lifting the thought of us two stopping being sexually active because I think it’s hurting me and our relationship (it’s hard to not objectify her outside of the marital act and this in turn makes me distanced from her). I’ve been trying to point out that I’m not just saying this because it’s the church’s teaching but because I also think it’s the best for our relationship in the long run. I love her more than anything and we’ve been through so much together. I’m 100% positive that I will marry her as soon as she becomes ready. She’s a part of me. The real problem is that she doesn’t see the wrong in being sexually active before marriage. She’s accepted that we will wait with sex before marriage but now she feels that I’m setting up too many boundaries, too fast. My final decision to stop being intimate with her came kind of abrupt and she has been crying ever since because she connects so much of our love to this. She says she will do it for me, but only for me and that she doesn’t really want it herself. I understand that this is right, but I also want this as pain free as possible for her. I hope that she will one day understand that this was the right choice, but for now it’s really hard for her and this is really taking it’s toll on her search for God too. She’s in no way ready for spiritual food, she can only drink spiritual milk and I don’t want to make it even harder for her.
She’s saying that gradually stopping being intimate would help her a lot, to get used to the idea. It’s making sense to me, since she doesn’t understand/agree with the “hard core” chastity definition. However, I’m not sure if she’s saying this just because she wants to be close to me so badly or if it’s actually going to help her. I’m also torn in this question since I on one hand feel selfishly tempted by the situation and on the other hand just want to sacrifice this for her to make the transition period easier.
Does anyone of you have first hand experience of this? One part finding out on his/her own about the true meaning of chastity but the other part finding a hard time coping with it? If so, how did you make it through it and how did it end up for you? I really think she needs someone to speak to that has been or is in her position. Her best friend is atheist and she is about the only other person she can talk about this with. Her friend is never hostile to me, which I’m really grateful of, but I don’t think she’s supportive either in the way to help her see the morally right in my decision. I’m kind of sure too that she won’t accept anyone to talk to that I find for her, she needs to want it herself. Any tips on this? Maybe a self-biography or something?
Thank you so much for reading this and I also ask for all of your prayers for me and my girlfriend in this.
