Step-Daughter wanting to have boyfriend spend the night

[remjsmom76]

NO WAY DAD!!! STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! First of all he dropped out of school…I hate to judge, but sounds like hes starting life on the wrong foot. Whos to say that even if he does sleep outside he wont sneek in during the night EVEN if you do have an alarm system. I mean what is he going to do pee and poo in your yard??? No way, you say yes, they are going to try to push so more and get him to sleep on the couch in the living room.

 

[remjsmom76]

Be very careful there…dont know where you live and your laws in your state, but yesterday in my art class one of my classmates was very upset. Her cousin who JUST turned 18 got married without telling anyone just to spite her parents. They didnt like her boyfriend, she said “IM 18 I CAN DO WHAT I WANT” They said something like “unles you marry him” didnt get the entire thing but in the end this 18 yr old girl got married.

We have decided NO together. Her daughter was a bit upset but has gotten over it a little bit. The next step is to try to convince my step-daughter that this relationship is a dead-end one in its current form.

Thanks everyone for the help and moral support.

 

[kinja]

My step-daughter is 16. She is in the 11th grade but a little more mature than kids her age. She has a boyfriend who is 18. The boyfriend was living near us but had quit school and was living at his dad’s house. For a few different reasons, the boyfriend’s dad and his step-mom had asked him to move away and now lives 4 hours away.

My step-daughter is wanting to see him. Her boyfriend wants to come down for a few days but would have no place to stay while here. My step-daughter is asking even if the boyfriend can sleep outside in a tent. My feeling is no on any of this. Personally I feel the boyfriend should stay maybe at his parent’s house for a few days but he won’t because he is still upset at being asked to leave by them.

My wife I do feel should get the final say on this. This is her daughter after all but has asked me for (name removed by moderator)ut which I really am grateful for. I really would be disappointed if my wife was to say it was OK but so far she is sticking with No.

I am wondering if I am being too old-fashioned here. It has been put to me by some adults I know that this is a pretty common thing: teenage kids spending the night in the same house with parents for a few days. Am I being too harsh? What would any of you do if you were in this situation?

I think we need to look at one thing that most of the posters are overlooking . . . the sin of scandal. What kind of example are parents setting for their kids by making boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers acceptable on any level? Apart from the family having their values abrogated think about the neighbours and other people looking on and how they may be led astray or judge our faith because of this action/inaction. Don’t have him sleep over period.

 

[spirit4life]

. . … It has been put to me by some adults I know that this is a pretty common thing: teenage kids spending the night in the same house with parents for a few days. . . .

He’s not a teenager; he’s an adult; I can’t wait to read your name (as co-conspirator) on a statutory-rape complaint filed by your local district-attorney if this ‘visitor’ decides to misbehave while you let him in your home . . . . . that should look good on your resume . . . .

 

[lutherlic]

I agree with all those opposed. There is so much wrong here.

Adding to the discussion… is your step-daughter discerning marriage? What is the purpose of dating? Is the boy Catholic?

 

[OSUbride0708]

This really makes me think about what I will decide for my daughter. My parents allowed me to date at 16 and my now husband was 18 (one grade ahead of me in high school, I was a junior and he was a senior). He went away to college 2 months later and the relationship didn’t die off (obviously) and we got married 6 years later when I graduated college. So, I try to think that I am the exception, and one of the lucky ones, but if my parents had said no, I wonder if DH and I would have ever ended up together (most likely not since he went away to college).
However, DH is an awesome guy and didn’t do anything that would make my parents question him, and we live in a small town and our families knew eachother for years.
Good luck, and I hope everything works out.

 

[sharmin]

I can’t wait to read your name (as co-conspirator) on a statutory-rape complaint filed by your local district-attorney if this ‘visitor’ decides to misbehave while you let him in your home . . . . . that should look good on your resume . . . .

If you think this will happen, why would you look forward to such a thing?

 

[SS301]

I thought I was reading a page from my son’s diary when I started reading this post. My granddaughter (who is 16) has been “dating” an 18 year old MAN. They started “dating” when she was 14, almost 15 at the time. She’s almost 17 now.
I was extremely upset but was told not to worry…kids just call it dating when they “like” someone now days. My son was concerned initially but was pretty much overridden by his wife who thought he was just being a “too concerned father” and old fashioned. After all, it wasn’t the horse and buggy days; “it was 2008 for goodness sakes!”
It started out that she was allowed to go to the school dance with 2 other couples AND her father would be taking her and the young man. When it came time for the dance, the daughter had a change of plans…her girlfriend’s boyfriend would be picking them up…she just could not be embarrassed by her parents taking them. After much arguing, and her saying she wasn’t going (after a $100 dress, $40 shoes, hair, nails and makeup at the salon) I honestly thought GREAT! She shouldn’t be going anyhow. Well, she DID go and it was on her terms. After the fit she threw and the fact that I thought she was too young to being with, I was told that I worry too much, etc. And actually, as I was told, she wasn’t MY child, and I was politely asked to “back off”.
This boy lives about 1/2 hour away in another state. They met when my granddaughter was a cheerleader for the high school and he just happened to be there with a friend and she caught his eye.
Moving up to date…She NOW is in major love with this guy. She WAS an honor roll student but since she spends most of her time crying over something he has done, she’s spent most of the year struggling just to keep her passing grades. Since she was given a car on her 16th birthday, she decided she could hook school when she felt like it to go see him to “work things out”, so now she’s on a contract agreement with the school with the understanding if she’s so much as tardy one more time, she’ll be held back.
The “boy” has been arrested 2 times that I know of, but of course, according to my granddaughter, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. (I guess when he was given a random drug test this past January and flunked it, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, too. He was locked up again and once again, my granddaughter was devastated.
Her mother agreed to have her start birth control pills at age 15, “just in case”. Now she’s intimate with this guy and is positive they’re in love and want to get married…eventually.
I’m not hearing the college talk any more. He’s in alternative school trying to finish high school and works about 8 hours on the weekends. And she’s still crying too much…she’s still depressed at least 75% of her young life. But “it’s not all his fault…he’s being misjudged” After that, she was not allowed to see him. I thanked God that they finally put their feet down! Next thing I knew he was staying over night so they could keep an eye on them. Duh, big house, big outside. I still don’t know what they were thinking.!!! Now it’s expected. (they’d find a way to be together any way, but I would NOT have helped them with it!! I’m so sad about all of this.
I’m not sure why I shared all this with all of you, except that all the comments are right on target. My granddaughter is not even 17 yet; she’s been seeing this guy for over 2 years; her goals have all but disappeared; she’s struggling with school and this so-called relationship; she has too much freedom with the car (that was supposed to take her to school and back ONLY) and sadly, she’s too young to realize what is happening.
My advice is that if your step daughter still has some innocence left, help her keep it by not letting her date this 18 year old boy/young man. I agree that especially in today’s world, keeping them totally away from school functions, dances, etc. is only asking for problems in so many cases, but YOU have some control right now and until she IS old enough to reason properly, I would rather have her mad at me now than to aid her in making a mistake. I was there once, and I thought I had all the answers but, sadly, I didn’t. Our brains don’t even stop growing until around age 22/23. Maybe that’s why some of look back around that age and realize our parents weren’t quite as stupid as we once thought!
Thanks for listening. God bless you.

 

[philippaul]

Adding more information…

I and my wife were both baptized and confirmed Catholic. I am working on getting my first marriage annulled. My wife has agreed to have her former one annulled as well. But she is not interested in going back to the Catholic Church. I am though. My wife is in no way hostile to me going back and has encouraged it rather. She is even willing to have our marriage convalidated but I know she doesn’t intend to go back to the Church.

I have a son who is 11. She has 2 daughters 12 and 16. The oldest daughter (the one in question) was baptized Catholic but shows no interest at this point in furthering. She does go to one of these semi-charasmatic Protestant churches though. Her boyfriend went to the same church before moving.

Some new info…

My wife put a stop to the relationship of her daughter and boyfriend. They are not allowed to see each in person exclusively. Obviously, if they somehow show up at the same church, event or location, there is little you can do about that. There are consequences in place if they were to rendezvous though – involving a restraining order.

SS301: thanks for pouring your thoughts out on this. My prayers go out for your granddaughter.

Kinja: I really appreciate you putting up the “scandal” perspective. This was something I had a hard time explaining. Whatever happened to good-old-fashioned “shame”? I am certainly feeling a bit of it myself. People these days want to say “why should we care what other people think?” This is noble in some ways but not in all ways to be sure. There are things that are always wrong to do. There are things that may be ok for us to do but may cause others to stumble and should be avoided when reasonable to do so. Lastly, there are things that we can do and no one has a good reason to question them. I think that last group is pretty small. This situation I believe is completely wrong.

I have been mildly accused of being old-fashioned but have stuck to my guns on this definitely with the help of the Holy Spirit. Most kids I am learning, will go to any length to manipulate situations that are conducive to what they want. I have been guilty of that sin myself in the past.

My son has been good thus far but I am worried about what kind of things will come up in the next few years as he takes on puberty and adolescence. I was weird in that I didn’t do many of these things (drink, have sex or excessively scheme) until I was 20. Late-bloomer I was! So, this is an eye-opener in some ways. Thanks everyone for telling me like you believe it to be and not pulling any punches. God bless you all!

 

[I_Fortuna]

Hi, this is a difficult situation. This boy was sent away by his parents. It is time he grows up and learns to take responsibility. Right now he is looking for an easy out. To become a responsible adult he needs to learn to stand on his own.

He is finding out it is not so easy to be out of the house but does not want to be emancipated completely. He wants it all on his terms and he is dragging you, your family and most importantly your daughter into this drama.

Tough love, your daughter should not be dating and should have a curfew and restrictions. If you allow her to date, you are asking for trouble. Soon, men of a criminal nature will prey upon her without your express guidance and restricted movement of her.

She should be escorted at all times while away from home or school. There are many people who danergous in every venue where young girls hang out. When I was in high school my mom let me date my boyfriend, big mistake. He had a car, you figure out the rest.

Even when I did not have a boyfriend I was allowed away from the house under the pretext that I was going to a friend’s house or to the mall. First a college boy had me in his grasp, I was willing because I did not know better. I was gullible. Then a 26 year old, then another older man and an older celebrity. These guys know how to get the confidence and sympathy of young girls; they are good at it especially if there is no Dad around or a Dad who is weak willed. You of all people, being a man, should know the dangers facing your daughter. Take a firm stand. Get with the program already!