Step-Parents in Baptism

[Maureen]

Hi all… I have a question about the sacrament of Baptism in regards to step parents. My husband and I are practicing Catholics, married in the Catholic Church. He has a daughter from a previous relationship, my now step-daughter. The other set of parents (her biological mother and step-father) are both atheist. I do not believe her bio mother to be the right person to stand next to my husband and make these sacred promises, as her mother thinks the sacrament and faith are all nonsense. I can’t find anything on whether she is allowed to participate while having this viewpoint. So, I’m looking for feedback/advice on this situation as well as whether I can (or should) stand as the “mother” role in the ceremony and politely request that she only attend as a witness. We do not have a great relationship, so I do anticipate she would rather feign interest in the sacrament than see me in a motherly role in front of family and friends.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

No. Her mother and father are her natural parents. Regardless of her mother’s unbelief, it is her right as a parent to make promises for her child.

If her mother is still in her life and you have not legally adopted her then it’s appropriate for her mother to act in that role if she wishes.

Even if your step-daughter is still small, it might also be psychologically important for her to see her mother in this role, because she will very soon have to be a believer that has split her time between her believing father and her nonbelieving mother. This is bound to cause confusion in her little heart, so it’s better for her if at least on the surface her mother approves of this.

If her mother refuses, then ask HER if she’d like you to step in. She may love you, but not want you in that role, and it would be a mistake to step in a place you are not welcome.

 

[Maureen]

Appreciate the response, though I do want to clarify: my step-daughter is 5, so this is not an infant baptism. Her mother very openly opposes religion and makes fun of anyone who is “dumb enough” to choose religion over what she believes to be scientific evidence of the non-existence of God. The child is fully aware that the mother sees this ceremony as “nonsense” and that “God is not real.” My concern is more so about the sanctity of the ceremony and the message it sends to have someone openly mocking our faith and falsely making these promises.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Appreciate the response, though I do want to clarify: my step-daughter is 5, so this is not an infant baptism. Her mother very openly opposes religion and makes fun of anyone who is “dumb enough” to choose religion over what she believes to be scientific evidence of the non-existence of God. The child is fully aware that the mother sees this ceremony as “nonsense” and that “God is not real.” My concern is more so about the sanctity of the ceremony and the message it sends to have someone openly mocking our faith and falsely making these promises.

The mother should be there in a parental role even more so, unless the priest advises otherwise. Remember, part of the promises of Baptism are not simply to stay our own beliefs but a promise (To God and the community) to raise the child Catholic. It would be advisable for the mother to make this promise out loud and in front of witnesses given her intolerance for the Faith.

 

[Verdanty]

In all truth I am suprised she is willing to let the baptism go ahead. There are Atheists like myself who probably wouldn’t kick off over it (I can pour water over a kids head myself in the name of Zeus if I really felt like it, I don’t think it’s going to do anything and I don’t expect anyone else doing it will have any lasting impact). But if she is an Anti-Theist as your post suggests (she believes religion is a toxic blight and should be destroyed) I’m actually very surprised she’s happy to let your husband do this.

If I may, do you know what kind of split there will be in time spent between your husband and the mother? 50:50, 40:60? On a more even or majority split you do hold the advantage in having what sounds like a more stable support base (“This is our happy family, we’re happy because we follow Jesus; look how lonely and angry mommy is, that’s because she doesn’t follow Jesus”). I’m not suggesting you say that to the poor kid, but that thought could well cross her mind with enough indoctrination and time spent on religious matters.

If it is the inverse however she might be more likely to come see you as the rather eccentric if mostly harmless relatives.

I think the biological mother is being remarkably compliant and supportive in view of her beliefs and I would be trying to include her in a positive light rather than trying to exclude her. Ultimately if she wanted she can put the brakes on this, keep it in mind. There are precedents for this in the legal system in several countries in the western world where courts have ruled Baptism must be withheld until the age of emancipation/majority.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think this is really an issue for the priest and biological parents to determine, since it seems like the biomom is still in the picture and has not vanished or given up all her custody rights. The most you as a step parent can do here is to inform the priest if you think he somehow doesn’t already know biomom’s views, and then focus on setting a good Catholic example for the child, including correcting any religious misinformation she gets from biomom and being tactful in addressing the child’'s questions or issues that might come up over differences of belief.

 

[pianistclare]

Godparents and parents ahve to make the promises IF THEY MEAN them.
If they clearly have no intention of assisting in the Catholic education of the child, they should not be involved, They can be present, but they cannot “make proises”. I’m surprised the priest has not clarified this, or does he not know of the dis[position of the mom??? He needs to know.

 

[TheLittleLady]

The atheist parent feelings should have been addressed by the instructor in the Baptismal prep session.