Stepping away from church for awhile....

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just to reiterate, we take ethical conduct training and that does not apply only to children in our programs, but specifically to volunteers and employees as well, that we sign a pledge not to treat people in a harrassing, demeaning way. If when you have had time to reflect you feel that you, your husband, and/or your children have been treated badly by a parish staff member, this should be reported. You have already made your concerns known to the pastor. the next step is to inform in writing, put all you have said here in a concise, one page letter–stick to the facts, not just feelings–to the person at the diocese, usually the vicar general, who is designated to handle abuse claims. Hurting people to this extent can very well mean there is real abuse going on, not just missed communication etc.

You may find the move to another parish best all around, and may after some time off come to find new and better ways to contribute to parish life. Granted we don’t do this to be appreciated, but to serve, but it is no help to be told off in this way. Under these circumstances it is doubtful you can effect anything positive by staying. The advice not to discuss the situation with uninvolved 3rd parties is very sound.

It is a very teachable moment for your children to see how you handle this episode, and can effect their faith very deeply. I learned so much respect for my parents when they went through a similar scenario with our parochial school, that was over 40 years ago but the lessons they taught me still bear fruit.
 
Please don’t abandon peter because of judas!

i am sorry that this had happened to you, but you must not generalize your anger toward the entire church. for that doesnt do justice to the millions of other good souls in the church’s service. are they all hate mongers and evil men and women because you met difficult people? there are people with personalities that envolve twisting around other peoples words so they always appear right, thats not a very good trait, but that doesnt make the entire human race intrinsically evil.

again, so sorry you had to go thru this, but ALWAYS look to god. 4 he his usually behind these difficulties to help you in some way in the future.
 
So my sons asked to meet with the youth director. She agreed, and they very politely asked her why they had not been called. They were BRILLIANT. They told her how they felt ostracized and shunned, how they were being made to feel as outsiders in their own community, how a deacon had always preached about inviting everyone in and making everyone feel welcomed, and how they felt quite the opposite. They did not yell, they retained their composure, and they stated facts. Finally, they told her how her very actions toward not only them, but also towards their dad, had really caused them to question their own faith and every other thing this church has told them their whole lives. This woman was in tears when she realized the consequences of her stupidity. Maybe she will now think twice before she hurts others. (and then, to just pour salt in the wound, because they are short catechists, my son was placed in a group she will be teaching. Definitely NO!) There is NO QUESTION he will not be attending. I cannot trust her, and I certainly will not trust my youngest son with her; for I do not know what she will say to him, or how she would treat him. Would she be extra hard on him, or would she let him get away with murder? Neither would be fair nor correct. I no longer trust her judgment to do what is right.

So I am looking into homeschool materials for confirmation. Any ideas?
 
I am in the middle of wathing a Padre Pio movie this week…what is amazing to me is how poorly he was treated by some people in the Church. He was called a liar, looked down upon, etc. YET he knew that the Church was bigger than any one person and was so faithful to the Church…he was loyal to the Church because he knew there is only one, imperfect people and all. Now, he is among the most loved and celebrated saints of all time!
 
Catholic90 said:
So my sons asked to meet with the youth director. She agreed, and they very politely asked her why they had not been called. They were BRILLIANT. They told her how they felt ostracized and shunned, how they were being made to feel as outsiders in their own community, how a deacon had always preached about inviting everyone in and making everyone feel welcomed, and how they felt quite the opposite. They did not yell, they retained their composure, and they stated facts. Finally, they told her how her very actions toward not only them, but also towards their dad, had really caused them to question their own faith and every other thing this church has told them their whole lives. This woman was in tears when she realized the consequences of her stupidity. Maybe she will now think twice before she hurts others. (and then, to just pour salt in the wound, because they are short catechists, my son was placed in a group she will be teaching. Definitely NO!) There is NO QUESTION he will not be attending. I cannot trust her, and I certainly will not trust my youngest son with her; for I do not know what she will say to him, or how she would treat him. Would she be extra hard on him, or would she let him get away with murder? Neither would be fair nor correct. I no longer trust her judgment to do what is right.

So I am looking into homeschool materials for confirmation. Any ideas?
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“This woman was in tears when she realized the consequences of her stupidity. Maybe she will now think twice before she hurts others.” It still sound like your looking for revenge instead of forgiveness. As yourself how you can teach about the gives of the Holy Spirit when you are failing the most important lesson from Jesus, Mercy and Forgiveness.
I think because she realized the pain she caused your family, that she would would work that much harder to make amends through your son.
Jesus tells us we are to forgive, not seven time, but seventy times seven. You seem unable to just forgive once, is that the lesson you will be teaching your son? How often have you lost the trust of someone? Have you had to ask forgiveness? By not being will to give to another what you would seek for yourself, are you not committing just as great of a wrong?

Peace,
FAB
 
Catholic90 said:
So my sons asked to meet with the youth director. She agreed, and they very politely asked her why they had not been called. They were BRILLIANT. They told her how they felt ostracized and shunned, how they were being made to feel as outsiders in their own community, how a deacon had always preached about inviting everyone in and making everyone feel welcomed, and how they felt quite the opposite. They did not yell, they retained their composure, and they stated facts. Finally, they told her how her very actions toward not only them, but also towards their dad, had really caused them to question their own faith and every other thing this church has told them their whole lives. This woman was in tears when she realized the consequences of her stupidity. Maybe she will now think twice before she hurts others. (and then, to just pour salt in the wound, because they are short catechists, my son was placed in a group she will be teaching. Definitely NO!) There is NO QUESTION he will not be attending. I cannot trust her, and I certainly will not trust my youngest son with her; for I do not know what she will say to him, or how she would treat him. Would she be extra hard on him, or would she let him get away with murder? Neither would be fair nor correct. I no longer trust her judgment to do what is right.

So I am looking into homeschool materials for confirmation. Any ideas?
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It sounds to me like the woman was truly sorry for what she did, and wants to make it up. And it sounds like you’re simply straight-up angry and non-forgiving.

Perhaps see her tears not as stupidity, but as true sorrow for what she did, and give her another chance? If the problems continue, by all means, pull them out. Show forgiveness. It’d be a lovely lesson to teach your boys.

It seems unfair that you would cause her to realize what she did, make her cry, then take them out anyway.
 
I can understand the hurt feelings. On top of that, it sounds like the administration has shot themselves in the foot. As the old TV saying goes, there will be many in your parish who will hold that they have some serious ‘splainin’ to do.

There is another way to look at this, though. Has everything you have given to your parish over all these years been without strings attached? Do you feel entitled to serve in whatever way you desire, or do you think that you serve where you are called, and there only? You have always given without expecting repayment, right? Is there a way to grow in holiness by how you make your way through this? As Steven Covey always says, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. The main thing is to serve God and grow in holiness, in all the virtues, so as to cooperate with His desire to have as many souls in Heaven with Him for all eternity as possible.

I don’t mean to accuse you of anything. I’m am saying, though, that there isn’t any mistreatment, not even mistreatment from those who have authority over you within the Church, that cannot be turned around into a way to serve God. You have given to your parish with both hands, with extreme generosity of every kind, and now have no standing in the parish to show for it. Your thanks from men is being taken from you. Your reward, then, assuming you stand fast in giving with your whole heart and taking nothing back, is going to come entirely from God. That is a point gained, if you look at it that way! There is a reason to rejoice when you’re persecuted, after all. That is a ticket to sainthood, if you play your cards right. You can rob the evil one of any shred of victory over you on this, no matter who else he sucks in for a time. Through you and your faithfulness, God may even snatch that victory over others from Old Scratch. You never know. That is the main concern here, though.

You belong in the Church. Let’s not even question that…as if shoddy treatment could call that into question. Would we not be willing die for the Gospel, after all? Where do you think God wants you to serve in the Church? How do you think God wants you to serve? How do you think God wants you to handle it when you are prevented from serving in the way you feel best suited? Is there a way in this to teach not in words in a classroom, but by the patience, kindness, humility, and other virtues that you hold on to in every way that you handle this indignity?

It may be, yes, that your emotions and those in the parish are running so high that you need to flee to Egypt…meaning, another parish. Remember that when Our Lord sent the disciples out to preach, he told them to shake the dust from the towns that wouldn’t hear, and not to look back as they went on to the next town. It may be that there is not a realistic way to live in peace where you are. Maybe that other parish needs you more, who knows. But in all things, go with God, go with grace, go with what will make you and your sons grow in virtue. There are lots of ways to handle this, but the situation is so upsetting that I would suggest that the way you need to follow will only be reached by a constant stream of prayer. You can hold back from giving them what they deserve, knowing that in doing so you will win a reprieve from what you may deserve when the Final Tally takes place. It takes a huge amount of grace to respond to such ungracious treatment in a way that is “full of grace”, rather than with “what they deserve.” Well, you know who can help you with that, too…

I don’t mean this as a Pollyannaish “look at the bright side”. I do not mean that we shouldn’t let others know when they hurt our feelings, particularly those who are family or part of our church family. They should know, and there are gracious ways to let them know. Humility doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. I do mean this as a reminder to keep your eye on the prize. Don’t be distracted from it, not by anything, not by anyone. And pray, pray, pray. You’ll be led through this valley, too, just like the other ones.
 
Catholic90 said:
So my sons asked to meet with the youth director. She agreed, and they very politely asked her why they had not been called. They were BRILLIANT. They told her how they felt ostracized and shunned, how they were being made to feel as outsiders in their own community, how a deacon had always preached about inviting everyone in and making everyone feel welcomed, and how they felt quite the opposite. They did not yell, they retained their composure, and they stated facts. Finally, they told her how her very actions toward not only them, but also towards their dad, had really caused them to question their own faith and every other thing this church has told them their whole lives. This woman was in tears when she realized the consequences of her stupidity. Maybe she will now think twice before she hurts others. (and then, to just pour salt in the wound, because they are short catechists, my son was placed in a group she will be teaching. Definitely NO!) There is NO QUESTION he will not be attending. I cannot trust her, and I certainly will not trust my youngest son with her; for I do not know what she will say to him, or how she would treat him. Would she be extra hard on him, or would she let him get away with murder? Neither would be fair nor correct. I no longer trust her judgment to do what is right.

So I am looking into homeschool materials for confirmation. Any ideas?
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Either change parishes or go through what everyone else in the parish is doing. Otherwise, it won’t be her, but you, who are going to be either extra hard or extra easy on him, or at least that will be the impression. The appearance of vindictiveness will not be lost on bystanders, either. It screams for people to take sides. It is your decision, you are on the ground, but I would advise that you don’t go there. Do not give anyone any more drama over this. Set yourself above that. At the very least, let your son choose his own road.

Your son, who is ready to go through confirmation, doesn’t need your protection from her or anyone else. He can handle himself, and brilliantly. You have said as much, haven’t you? There is no harm she can do that he is not competent to handle. If she is hard on him, he will choose to take it or tell her himself, and if she opened the way from him to do less than his part, he will not take it. You have a great young man there, and if you let him go through with her or anyone else, you know he will do nothing but make you proud.

Tell him that, and let him choose what he wants to do. I would be very surprised if he chose homeschooling, but if he does, let him research it himself, as part of his process. After all, that is what confirmation is all about: He is a man, now. Let him act the part.
 
Hey there Catholic90…I would find a new parish. We attended a few parishes in Florida for that past year and a half, before finding our home. And your service to your parish ‘is not in the toilet.’ Nothing you do for the Lord, goes unnoticed by HIm. Sometimes, politics play a role in parishes, on how parishioners are treated…it’s terribly unfortunate. But, don’t step away from the Church (not sure if you meant the faith as a whole, or this one parish) just find a new parish. They are not behaving in ways that are indicative of our faith, sadly…and there is nothing you can do. I would forgive, and move on. I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers–It still stinks to be going through this, I’m sorry. 😦
 
You will need your Pastor’s permission to home-school for Confirmation. Make an appointment with him.
 
Catholic90 said:
I am so disgusted with how my family has been treated by certain members of our church administration INCLUDING the priest, that we are stepping away for awhile. Just the THOUGHT of attending mass at that “church” makes my blood pressure rise and causes thoughts that are not very nice about certain people in charge.

I am so completely disgusted with how the administration and the priest have handled this situation, that we cannot in good conscience attend at this church any longer. Two decades of faithful service…down the toilet.

And then they wonder why their church attendance keeps dropping. We have found out this weekend that we were not the first family they have done this to. Apparently, they want “new blood” in the system. So they are dismissing all the “old” families and volunteers. This summer they had an “increase mass attendance” campaign because the numbers of people attending keep falling. Now I know why!! They are chasing the old families away.

My youngest son will NOT be confirmed with this church. Evil has certainly entered its doors, and it even appears to have consumed the priest to allow this atrocity.
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So…you’re basically walking out on Christ (Who is really, truly and substantially present in the Sacrament of the Eucharist confected by the priest)…due to some perceived rejection by the other people in attendance at Mass? Who are you really going to Mass for, then? And why in the world would anything this so-called “catechist” did or did not do make your sons question their faith?? As if the supernatural virtue of faith depends on this woman…:eek:

– Nicole
 
Catholic90 said:
I am so disgusted with how my family has been treated by certain members of our church administration INCLUDING the priest, that we are stepping away for awhile. Just the THOUGHT of attending mass at that “church” makes my blood pressure rise and causes thoughts that are not very nice about certain people in charge.

Let me explain…
For nearly 20 years, DH and I have been faithful members of our parish. We have volunteered for darn near every ministry at one time or another. My DH has volunteered as a catechist for the confirmation group for 18 years. The parents and kids love his approach, and every year, parents contact the DRE to request that their kids get placed in his group. Many of those kids go on to be very visible leaders as well. Our kids have grown up watching us volunteer, and when they were old enough, they also started volunteering. The 2 who are confirmed are EMHCs, ushers, go on mission trips, have been asked to LEAD youth group talks, have been youth leaders for junior high retreats, etc. We have been a VERY involved family.

Over the past several months, DH has been very sick. (you may remember my post about him being jaundiced). Also, this past summer the woman who was the DRE was basically “demoted” to overseeing just the confirmation program, and another woman was hired to be the DRE. So, DH was told this week by the newly hired DRE that his services as a catechist were no longer required. She said she felt the kids he was teaching were being shown “favortism” and that others wanted to step in. Yet, in the bulletin, there are pleading requests for catechists for the confirmation program and even after mass last week, they were begging for catechists…In the meantime, several highschoolers had signed up for a project, including 2 of my kids. Everyone who signed up was called to participate EXCEPT my 2 sons. This decision came from the YOUTH MINISTER. When we called the priest about this, he basically said because DH was so sick, everyone thought it best we “take a break”. Um, hello…my kids are not sick. They were looking forward to doing this project with their friends; instead, they are being told by the administration and by the PRIEST “thanks, but no thanks. Your services are not required.” My kids are 16 and 18. Don’t expect them to suddenly come running to the church now when they need something, because they have had the church’s door closed on them.

I am so completely disgusted with how the administration and the priest have handled this situation, that we cannot in good conscience attend at this church any longer. Two decades of faithful service…down the toilet.

And then they wonder why their church attendance keeps dropping. We have found out this weekend that we were not the first family they have done this to. Apparently, they want “new blood” in the system. So they are dismissing all the “old” families and volunteers. This summer they had an “increase mass attendance” campaign because the numbers of people attending keep falling. Now I know why!! They are chasing the old families away.

My youngest son will NOT be confirmed with this church. Evil has certainly entered its doors, and it even appears to have consumed the priest to allow this atrocity.
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I would go to a different parish. I have recently got into a similar situation. I just completed my RCIA class and I have felt that the RCIA class at my parish fell apart simply because some of the people who has been going to the classes 2+ years because they felt they “haven’t learned enough” has been chasing away the people who really want to get confirmed. When it 1st began we used to fill the room where we met in (which was a small room to begin with). Now it was basically me (I attended classes alone) and 2 older couples. One couple who were going to get married (bride was being converted from Methodist) only attended 1 class and a college student who was raised catholic but wasn’t confirmed just stopped attending classes all together. As a result it was only a person who was being converted to Catholicism to get married and I the only 2 being confirmed. Now I don’t even see the other person who got confirmed at all.

My personal situation is that over the recent couple of months I begun having thoughts about how the parish I have been attending handles situations/issues. I do know that some of the discussions from the RCIA classes had a negative reaction to the ones who wanted to be confirmed and to me personally I had to deal with this one lady who simply would not leave me alone and cannot take no as an answer. For instance last night we had our last class (which was a meal) and she insisted that I just had to sit next to her. She even had the nerve to try pulling my hand just to make her happy. I also felt that it was a requirement to attend ALL classes regardless of what I was doing outside the church while the others can miss out because of things such as work, school or whatever.

Thankfully there is a parish MUCH closer to where I live that I will start visiting. I’ve been there once and even though it felt strange because I love how mass is carried out and the priest is AWESOME at the parish I have been attending for the past several months I feel it might be in my good interests to venture out and discover what else is available for me at different parishes.
 
Catholic90 said:
I am so disgusted with how my family has been treated … Evil has certainly entered its doors, and it even appears to have consumed the priest to allow this atrocity.
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I wish your husband well.

Everything that happens is because God Wills it. Try to see through this and resist the call of the other party to desert your faith.

God bless. 🙂
 
(Just in case people dont know, this is an old thread dating back to '09. We are asked not to bring them back to the top. 👍 )
 
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